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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to my cousin and cousin's wedding

570 replies

Refuse · 05/11/2015 14:07

NC as I've posted quite a bit about this relationship over the years.

Two of my first cousins have organised a Christmas wedding and I refuse to attend it out of principle. There are millions, if not billions, of suitable partners for these two so why choose each other. We are all first cousins!

My parents, aunts and uncles and my siblings all intend to attend but I won't be moved. I know it probably won't make a little bit of difference to them (my cousins) but I can't go knowing full well how much I disapprove of their relationship.

My immediate family feel similar to me but will go regardless. They want me to attend and in truth there is nothing stopping me from going other than my dislike for their relationship. I know it's not unreasonable to not attend a wedding but I just had to get this out now that invites have come along.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpositive · 05/11/2015 15:22

Are you Catholic, OP?

I was raised Catholic at school and seem to remember being told in RE at school that cousins marrying in the RC church required papal dispensation. Don't know if that is still the case, or indeed ever was (teacher could have been wrong).

Same teacher was very much of the opinion that the RC church regarded marriage between first cousins as incestuous, unless persuaded otherwise by way of dispensation.

I am very much a lapsed Catholic so am happy to stand corrected on the above points if a more knowledgeable authority comes along. Smile

I do have some sympathy for your view point though. It seems very 'ick' to me, and if you believe the relationship amounts to incest, I can see why you don't feel able to attend. I doubt if would be fun for the bride and groom having you there in any case, knowing your views.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 05/11/2015 15:23

Infact considering my family and my sisters feel the same way I do I am quite confused by my family's attitude.

Maybe they've decided to get over themselves, reevaluate their own self-importance, and publicly support their family members who are in love?

JeanneDeMontbaston · 05/11/2015 15:24

Papal dispensation applies (or used to) to all sorts of 'degrees of affinity' (levels of relatedness). You used to be able to get a dispensation to marry your brother's widow, or, indeed, your own half-sister.

Enjolrass · 05/11/2015 15:27

pumpkin as far as I know you are correct. I went to a catholic school and my friends parents were cousins. They needed permission from the pope, apparently.

I was actually wondering if it's true or just one of those things that we were told.

We were never given the 'don't marry your cousin' lesson though Grin

GruntledOne · 05/11/2015 15:27

On my grandfather's farm one of the farmworkers married his cousin and both of their dcs were deaf

And there are thousands of deaf children around whose parents aren't related in any way. On that logic, we should ban people from having children at all.

buymeabook · 05/11/2015 15:28

You are free to think what you like about cousins marrying. But the way you are acting it is like something unforgivable. Even if you disagree why does that mean you need to cut ties with someone you once were so close to? To be honest I think she's lucky because at least she doesn't have someone so judgmental around her.

Original poster
Refuse · 05/11/2015 15:29

Pumpkinpositive Thanks. The word is indeed "ick". I wish I didn't receive the invite. Then there'd be no thread but I've spent most of today fielding calls from my mother and sisters about my attendance. They all say they think it's not the best of circumstances but I'm sure they'll be shopping for outfits over the coming weekends. Traitors.

We're not religious at all. Agnostic/atheist

OP posts:
Onthepigsback · 05/11/2015 15:29

It's really none of your business. I'm personally delighted for them if they are happy. Maybe someone should come and shit on your parade and revoke some of your rights so you can see how it feels.

Please don't go, you are not someone they should have to deal with on one of the happiest days of their lives.

And please try to keep your judgemental and inappropriate thoughts on the issue to yourself.

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 05/11/2015 15:33

I just LOVE Papal Dispensations! Talk about a get out jail free card! Hey, anything goes, eh? Don't worry about ethics or morals as long as you get what you WANT as long as you get your end away! As long as you are HAAAAAAPPPPEEEE, bugger anyone else, so to speak!

OP, these days, society is obliged to not just allow, but to actively promote any weirdo sex thing that isn't actually paedophilia.

If it feels ick, it's ick. Biology gave us these instincts for a reason - to avoid inbreeding. The fact that some people don't see that it's icky is even more reason why they shouldn't be breeding!

Original poster
Refuse · 05/11/2015 15:33

SurlyCue

I think the saddest thing about it is that you've severed your relationship with your cousin, who was clearly a close friend if she asked your advice at the start. That is sad.

You are right. I miss her a lot and I did think she'd eventually see sense. We grew up together but not with our other cousin (her STBDH). We no longer talk as we used to but I've heard she misses me too. If only she'd realise what a mistake this is. I know that makes me sound awful but it's how I feel.

OP posts:
OliviaBenson · 05/11/2015 15:34

Why are your parents and siblings traitors? It's one thing you not going because you personally think it's wrong, but it's not fair that you are judging others who want to celebrate the occasion of their marriage- entirely their call.

It sounds like you want to ostracise them from the family.

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 05/11/2015 15:35

Erm, most things on AIBU aren't really any of our business in a direct way! In a decent society, however, people get pulled up when they are misbehaving because it DOES affect us all. Turning into Sodom and Gomorrah in this country!

And OP, it's fine to have an opinion, believe it or not!

GruntledOne · 05/11/2015 15:35

The fact is that the Pakistani community comprises 3% of the UK. And 55% of disabled children

Rhoda, have you got a source for that? I don't see it ties in with the statistic that 80% of disabled people have acquired their disability during their life, i.e. were not born with it.

OliviaBenson · 05/11/2015 15:35

equally, she's probably also thinking 'if only refuse can come to terms with this'

Can't you see any way past this?

SurlyCue · 05/11/2015 15:36

They all say they think it's not the best of circumstances but I'm sure they'll be shopping for outfits over the coming weekends. Traitors.

Shock

traitors? Because they arent doing what you think they should? Who have they betrayed? Confused

You really are having an extreme reaction to this.

Original poster
Refuse · 05/11/2015 15:36

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary 100% agree with you!

OP posts:
buymeabook · 05/11/2015 15:37

"I know that makes me sound awful but it's how I feel."

It doesn't make you sound awful. It makes you awful.

SurlyCue · 05/11/2015 15:37

I miss her a lot and I did think she'd eventually see sense.

Perhaps she was expecting you to see sense.

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 05/11/2015 15:38

Gruntled One - I think you need to revise GCSE Biology! Mutations are far more likely in interbreeding situations. Deaf children with parents who aren't closely related (we are all related to some degree I suppose) are just unlucky.

Only on MN could people tell you you are being UR for going "boke" at something like this!

Original poster
Refuse · 05/11/2015 15:39

OliviaBenson That's exactly what she's thinking. I don't mean to drip feed but prior to this whole thing she was my best friend - cousin issue aside, I was closer to her than my own sisters. That's why she came to me to ask 2 years ago.

OP posts:
KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 05/11/2015 15:39

You seem a bit jealous. Do you fancy one of them or something?

Why do you care if they're together? How does it affect you?#

Why aren't you happy for them??

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 05/11/2015 15:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DancingDinosaur · 05/11/2015 15:41

I think its a really bad idea cousins marrying cousins, but then again I have experience of it, or at least my husband does as his parents were cousins and managed to pass down two horrific genetic conditions to him, the second of which killed him. So now my small children don't have a father and I don't have a husband. Would I go to the wedding? Yes probably, if I was close to them. But I would hope that they really understood the risks they were taking should they decide to have children.

PhoenixReisling · 05/11/2015 15:42

Your last post is quite telling...you grew up with your cousin (the bride) but neither of you grew up with your other cousin (the groom).

If they were not close growing up, what is the problem? Like others have said you can't help who you fall in love with!

So you don't agree with it.....but instead of just voicing your opinion once, you continue to voice it....then make it a big drama about not going to the wedding.

This wedding is about them and not about you.

SurlyCue · 05/11/2015 15:43

OP i really am struggling to understand why you have had such an extreme reaction to this. It is fair enough to find it weird and to say "its not something i could do" but to actually cut off your best friend and to consider your family traitors for attending the wedding? Confused it really is not that big a deal you know. What is it that worries you about them being together?