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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to my cousin and cousin's wedding

570 replies

Refuse · 05/11/2015 14:07

NC as I've posted quite a bit about this relationship over the years.

Two of my first cousins have organised a Christmas wedding and I refuse to attend it out of principle. There are millions, if not billions, of suitable partners for these two so why choose each other. We are all first cousins!

My parents, aunts and uncles and my siblings all intend to attend but I won't be moved. I know it probably won't make a little bit of difference to them (my cousins) but I can't go knowing full well how much I disapprove of their relationship.

My immediate family feel similar to me but will go regardless. They want me to attend and in truth there is nothing stopping me from going other than my dislike for their relationship. I know it's not unreasonable to not attend a wedding but I just had to get this out now that invites have come along.

OP posts:
RhodaBull · 05/11/2015 14:26

Indeed it is legal. But it should be illegal. There was a reason why in times past there were "inbreds" in villages. On my grandfather's farm one of the farmworkers married his cousin and both of their dcs were deaf. And now there is a problem within particularly the Pakistani community who like to inter-marry to preserve wealth.

That being said, if you don't want to go to their wedding, politely decline and leave them to it.

gabsdot · 05/11/2015 14:27

DH has an aunt and uncle who are 1st cousins and their daughter is in a relationship with her 1st cousin too.

It is a bit unusual but no need to get so hot under the collar, just don't go. I'm sure they wont care.

wowis · 05/11/2015 14:27

I wonder if this was more about garnering support for your feelings about the relationship?
You say in you post its not unreasonable to miss a wedding so there's your answer.
Life is too short, live and let live!

We don't have to like each others decisions but neither do we have to think about or act on them either.
Clearly from the replies so far most of us aren't really that shocked or arsed about it so maybe just choose to let it go now.

Original poster
Refuse · 05/11/2015 14:28

It has nothing to do with me. Of that I am certain and I'm sure they won't give a single shit about my opinion or my whereabouts. They are both very aware of my feelings about their relationship but it just seems so wrong.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Facebook paying circa £4300 in UK tax is legal, however, I don't think it's acceptable.

OP posts:
SurlyCue · 05/11/2015 14:28

Marrying one of my cousins would be akin to marrying my brother. It just feels weird and indeed wrong.

No-one is asking you to marry your cousin. Are you worried about having to snog your uncle or something as part of the ceremony? Confused the people involved dont find it weird so it doesnt really matter that you do. But it is good that you wont go. You attend weddings to celebrate the union of a couple, not to grumble and seethe about their relationship.

fleurdelacourt · 05/11/2015 14:28

Surely they'd have 3 sets of grandparents? The one shared set of grandparents where their parents are siblings and then one set from each parent who is not a sibling?

OP - this isn't about you marrying your cousin though? This is about someone else who has fallen in love and made an adult decision. Unless you were all brought up as siblings in the same family home then I really can't see how you can argue it is morally unacceptable?

EssentialHummus · 05/11/2015 14:29

Don't go if you don't want to. There's no need to share your feelings about your cousins' choices with your parents/family - say you're unavailable, make something up, say you're busy if it helps to keep the peace.

I am fairly close to my cousins so the idea of marrying one turns my stomach. There was also a Telegraph article a while back linking it to genetic abnormalities in children, though please note source and take with a pinch of salt!

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/health/children/11723308/First-cousin-marriages-in-Pakistani-communities-leading-to-appalling-disabilities-among-children.html

randomcatname · 05/11/2015 14:31

The wedding is happening whether you like it or not. Is your staying away going to make one iota of difference to that fact? No.

Is staying away from the wedding going to hurt feelings and cause upset and offence? Probably.

Is it really worth causing a rift that might last for generations? Up to you.

GreenPotato · 05/11/2015 14:31

*Just because something is legal doesn't make it acceptable.

Actually yes, yes it does. It is the very definition of acceptability!*

No it doesn't. Adultery isn't very acceptable and it's legal, for example.

I think it's fine not to go to the wedding OP if you're not comfortable. As it is legal, it's their choice and I wouldn't badmouth people or obsess over it – just let it go(oooooo). But I do get the ickiness. I have a family member who married a cousin, and it did make me squirm a bit, though they were past childbearing age.

There are a lot of people in the world suffering unpleasant genetic conditions as a result of it being culturally acceptable to marry cousins for generation after generation in some places. I think the feeling "no that's not right" is partly instinctive – it's really not a good idea. We know actual incest is not right and it is uncomfortably close to that.

FuzzyWizard · 05/11/2015 14:33

As a one-off cousin-marriage is unlikely to have any negative effects on their children. There is, however, a real problem with repeated cousin-marriages in one bloodline that can lead to much higher risks for a lot of health problems. I don't think the cousins marrying are doing anything wrong as such but we are genetically programmed to seek mates outside our immediate gene-pool. For many people the idea of marrying one of their cousins is quite repulsive... It goes against their natural instincts. That said I don't think it's reasonable to be unpleasant to two people entering into a perfectly legal marriage. Whether it should continue to be legal is a different question.

RhodaBull · 05/11/2015 14:34

whoops, cross posted there, EssentialHummus!

JeanneDeMontbaston · 05/11/2015 14:34

How very odd of you.

I wasn't brought up with my cousins - I think I saw them rather less than once every three years as a child. Perhaps once every five. I've never been remotely interested in them in that way. So I was an adult before I realised some people have issues with cousins marrying and it came as a bit of a shock. It's really none of your business, is it?

Cousins marrying - repeatedly, over generations, in small communities where there is a reduced gene pool - is not ideal. But neither are small communities where there is a reduced gene pool, and in a modern world where most of us travel and marry outside the villages we grew up in, I doubt it is likely to be a problem.

Janeymoo50 · 05/11/2015 14:35

Hmmm, bit mean of you (although I sort of understand a little bit) - BUT you can't help who you fall in love with and it's not illegal. However I do know a couple who married (first cousins) and have two very disabled children and GOSH (where they are part of a case study until they are 18) have told them this is due to them being related - very, very sad.

runlulurun · 05/11/2015 14:35

I think the risk of abnormalities is more of an issue if there are repeated intra-family marriages than as a one off.

It's not easy finding someone you love enough to spend the rest of your life with so good luck to them and I wish them well.

OP as others have said, I am sure they are delighted that you won't be coming. It sounds like you mouth off about this on a regular basis and it makes you sound like a deeply unpleasant person.

Original poster
Refuse · 05/11/2015 14:36

randomcatname you've summed it up quite well there. Those are the discussions I've had with my sisters and my cousin. I'll most likely be the only one not there. She's hurt that I don't approve but then again why be hurt now, 2 years after the fact I told her how I felt Confused

It's just not acceptable in my view. I am prepared to be told I am BU and I full well know that my opinion carries not one jot of importance as they're obsessed with going ahead nonetheless. But I can't help how I feel. These are just my feelings about it.

OP posts:
Ratarse · 05/11/2015 14:37

If that's how you feel then definitely steer clear of this couple. Forever!

I'm amazed at your attitude, I'm still trying to work out who you think you are.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 05/11/2015 14:40

Just because something is legal doesn't make it acceptable.

In your opinion.

Don't go, I'm assuming they invited you out of family obligation, not because they want you there. You sound judgmental, nasty and a whole host of other words I won't put here.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 05/11/2015 14:41

Mmm. 'I can't help how I feel' is a bit of a cop-out, surely?

People have been saying that for generations about things they didn't like. I know people my granny's generation who just felt that, somehow, they felt uncomfortable about black people marrying white people. And they'd come up with all sorts of vaguely defensible stuff about how the children might be less healthy (people really used to believe that), or they would be struggling for life against the burden of having parents from different races, or whatever.

I'm not at all suggesting this is remotely akin to racism, but the justification you're using is really saying: 'I don't want to try to change how I feel, I want to feel vindicated'.

MrsDeVere · 05/11/2015 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shakey15000 · 05/11/2015 14:41

Of course YANBU. You can do what you want, you don't need justification from anyone.

This does seem more like you want some shock horror from here though and it would appear you are WAY too heavily invested in this, which is insular and concerning.

Just promise that you won't be the one that goes "BECAUSE I THINK IT'S WRONG!!!" when the person marrying them asks if there's any impediments Smile

Original poster
Refuse · 05/11/2015 14:41

I think my feelings come from mainly that for the past 2 years I really did think they'd break up and move on to other relationships and when talk of a wedding was on the cards I thought it would blow over despite my dislike for it but now that I received my invite today, I'm almost certain it's going ahead.

OP posts:
LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 05/11/2015 14:43

YY to the PP who said just because something is legal, doesn't make it acceptable.

OP, it's fucking weird. Having nothing to do with it.

Wishfulmakeupping · 05/11/2015 14:43

Don't go. My inlaw didn't agree with our wedding plans (for different reasons) and her awkwardness and obvious dislike of the situation spoilt our special day in a way so out if respect for your cousins if you can't agree and behave dont go.

JeanneDeMontbaston · 05/11/2015 14:43

Don't you think it's rather hurtful to them that you've been hoping they'd break up?

Clearly they've been persevering with you despite your issues - and bloody heck, if you've received a wedding invitation then I think you can be pretty sure it's 'going ahead'!