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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to my cousin and cousin's wedding

570 replies

Refuse · 05/11/2015 14:07

NC as I've posted quite a bit about this relationship over the years.

Two of my first cousins have organised a Christmas wedding and I refuse to attend it out of principle. There are millions, if not billions, of suitable partners for these two so why choose each other. We are all first cousins!

My parents, aunts and uncles and my siblings all intend to attend but I won't be moved. I know it probably won't make a little bit of difference to them (my cousins) but I can't go knowing full well how much I disapprove of their relationship.

My immediate family feel similar to me but will go regardless. They want me to attend and in truth there is nothing stopping me from going other than my dislike for their relationship. I know it's not unreasonable to not attend a wedding but I just had to get this out now that invites have come along.

OP posts:
kungpopanda · 08/11/2015 02:54

YANBU not to go to the wedding if you disapprove. YABU o imagine you might still have a basis of frienship with your cousin. If a friend soberly advisedly and deliberately does something that you cannot for whatever reason condone, then surely the relationship is changed beyond recognition, or most likely over.

It's over already, and you know it. Move on. And the 'it' does sound a little unhealthily intense, on your side. Particularly since she's a cousin Grin

Original poster
Refuse · 08/11/2015 10:27

wickedlazy Grin Agreed. It is not comparable in the slightest.

kungpopanda I do see where you're coming from. I think that was in part my reason for starting the thread because I do miss 'us' as we used to be.

Gabilan you've summed it up.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost I appreciate your measured response and I agree with "We certainly do live in a strange and baffling old world."

OP posts:
SuperFlyHigh · 08/11/2015 11:11

Suppose by some strange twist the cousins did breakup either just because or because there was a tragic accident to one of them.

Would you then OP be supportive to the female cousin who's either been bereaved and/or is so upset due to a breakup? And then things could be back to normal with your relationship?

I don't think you've answered my question as to whether you're in a relationship or not. Which I think does make a difference to your view here.

I also think you see yourself as very self important (I've been similar sometimes, not with family issues though) - you know that your presence will be noted and for what reasons you're not attending so you're quite happy to have a little drama in the background due to that. You're also quite happy for the drama to carry on after the wedding.

I am not in a relationship right now (but have had on and off ones for the past 7 years and for years before that) - I recall sometimes I was a bit selfish towards eg my brother as he met and married his second wife fairly easily or so I thought. I thought he 'had it easy' but he doesn't it's up and down but much smoother now and now I have nothing but support and unconditonal love for both of them.

MN doesn't seem overly fond of this but I think therapy due to your control issues would do you good.

DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel · 08/11/2015 11:50

I think cousin has had a lucky escape TBH. What a horrible person you sound OP.

I agree with Pictish. You're the one who has ended this friendship with your cousin. You're the one who is creating difficulties.

People make decisions all the time. All other people can do is advise and give their opinion and be there for the person if and when needed. You are being difficult because you dont like the decision your cousin and previously good friend has made. You are creating strains in the family.

Original poster
Refuse · 08/11/2015 12:17

SuperFlyHigh Thanks, I do largely agree. I didn't see your earlier question regarding my relationship status. I am in a relationship - not married though. I don't wish harm on either of them and I don't wish harm on them as a couple. In the circumstance that you describe I would be supportive to her. I don't hate her, if anything, on the contrary, I really love her and would support her. I haven't got a close bond with him as I do (did) with her.

DrHarleenFrancesQuinzel I didn't end the friendship. As I said upthread it was more that the friendship waned over time. There was no big drama over it. I agree that this does therefore create a rift in our family but these are just my feelings. I can't stop it nor do I intend to do so. This thread has been quite cathartic in that sense. That I got to release my feelings as they are.

OP posts:
Narp · 08/11/2015 12:21

OP I think I said that on page 2 - now everyone knows how you feel. And if that's all you wanted, that's good.

Narp · 08/11/2015 12:22

... Page 4.

Chippednailvarnish · 08/11/2015 12:27

I can't stop it nor do I intend to do so

So why on earth are you posting in AIBU? Pointless

Lweji · 08/11/2015 12:30

If you stopped responding to her and contacting her, and didn't refrain from manifesting your disagreement with her choice in mates, then you did end the friendship.

I really love her and would support her
This would normally be followed by, "if she needed me"
Except that, in this case, it's followed by "just as long as she doesn't marry her cousin".

That is the proof of the pudding. She is not doing anything that harms other people, so why can't you support her now that she needs you to? Or at least to be in her life? Regardless of your views?

mikado1 · 08/11/2015 12:32

Can you detail why you think she is ruining her life and what you predict will happen? A friend of mine was in a really negative relationship and I felt very frustrated when she asked for advice and then did the opposite but I realised I just had to be there for her even when I disagreed completely with what she was doing to herself.

ShortcutButton · 08/11/2015 12:33

You don't love her at all. That's not love. You are poisonous

Garlick · 08/11/2015 12:55

I felt pissed off when my closest brother and my closest friend got together. My emotional reaction was something like "Oi! Hands off! That's mine!" Hmm I'm not so dense I couldn't see where that was coming from, though, so I managed it. I ended up being very close to both of them - as before, only now they were married.

I think you're feeling something very similar, Refuse, and using the "ick, cousins" as rationalisation for it. It's actually normal to feel a loss when your very close friend forms a permanent relationship. Ending the friendship because of it, though, is cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Your nose, your face. It's up to you but isn't what I'd advise.

SplatterMustard · 08/11/2015 13:22

They'd still have two sets of grandparents, the only way that they'd only have one set would be if their parents were siblings rather than cousins.

SuperFlyHigh · 08/11/2015 13:31

Refuse thanks for this...

I think you do have control issues as well as the ick ones to do with cousins marrying, how can you love your cousin and support her but not in this? You are way too over invested in her choice of partner!

I never did say you hate her, I don't think you do at all, it's just she's doing something you find abhorrent, yet it's not wrong. I can totally see it's not 100% something I'd be overjoyed about if it were family but it'd be not my business, I'd try to bite my tongue if I had any thoughts and I'd wish them well and attend the wedding.

Don't think this will blow over and your family will think Refuse is ok because I'm certain a lot of them will judge you for judging your cousins! I really think you should go along to the wedding maybe play a downplayed part in the wedding but wish them luck. Could you meet with the female cousin beforehand for tea/drinks/girly time and just speak to her? No judgment just be her friend like you said you were?

RollingRollingRolling · 08/11/2015 18:42

I think your family are doing the right thing, being supportive of this wedding, even if they don't agree with it.
I found it strange when you referred to your cousin as marrying "our cousin". I think you are struggling that she is marrying someone who is also your first cousin and that make you uncomfortable, whereas if it had been her 1st cousin from her other side of the family it wouldn't have bothered you.

Friendships, best friends come and go. People move etc. Any best friend you have now or in the future, would always choose a decent loving life partner who they live with 24/7 over a friendship if there was a choice.

Also the way you talk about the wedding going ahead now you assume as the invites have gone out. A wedding is pretty solidly all booked when you send the invites out. The fact that you thought you disagreeing with the relationship should be enough to cancel the wedding and them to split up is a lot of power you think you have.

Yes sometimes our friends might be right if a man is not right for us, but if you love that person and can't see it, you'll learn down the line. Your cousins sound right for each other and I'm sure they've gone through alot more personal angst in deciding whether they should get married than most couples do, and they've decided that their love is worth it, despite what people think. That makes them a strong couple.

Is th cousin you fancy the one that is getting married? And should you look at yourself fancying one of your cousins whilst you are in a relationship?

MamaLazarou · 08/11/2015 18:49

Your cousin has found someone who makes her happy and who wants to stand up in front of everyone they both know and make a solemn declaration to love, support and protect her for the rest of her life. This is a good thing.

It's very possible that you will eventually get used to the idea and won't feel so strongly about the whole icky-cousin business after a while. It may be too late to recover your friendship with your cousin by then, so you might as well just set your prejudices aside and do it now.

kali110 · 09/11/2015 00:49

You have ended the relationship.
If you don't reply to her emails or make it clear you hate her husband, think her relationship is sick then yes you have ended the relationship.
You can't get away from that.
If you lose both of them it's because of you.
I think you're lucky they're still trying.

kali110 · 09/11/2015 00:51

Your size can be a medical condition?
Dwarfism? The condition where people are like giants?
This then affects their health and can affect any children they have.

wickedlazy · 09/11/2015 01:03

^^ Confused Was that to me?

Of course it never occured to my three short grandparents, either of my short parents, myself and other short extended family, or dozens (if not more) of gp's, midwives, obstetricians, phyisio's etc we have seen between us all over the 80 odd years since oldest short grandparent was born, to wonder that.

Aren't we a bunch of silly dwarves Hmm

sofato5miles · 09/11/2015 03:05

Do you like the cousin that she is marrying?

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/11/2015 09:48

You've got a few weeks to sort your mind out and get over the 'ick' bit

Your cousin is in your life and can be if you want her /them to be but its your stubbornness which is stopping you from being close

Life is too short (my dh died 4.5yrs) ago and proves sadly tomorrow doesn't always come. One day she will not be here (hopefully not for many years) but you risk throwing away a friendship /sister you never had - coz you are being silly

Her relationship is peefectly legal - get over it!!

Your cousin has found love - you are in love - will you oh be going? Does he disapprove the way you do?

kali110 · 09/11/2015 17:40

No wicked if you're referring to my comment, it was not to you not sure why you would think that Confused
It was to the poster who said size can't be a medical condition.

wickedlazy · 09/11/2015 17:44

Because size as a medical condition has very little to do with first cousins having children so I assumed you were addressing me. As pp's have said deafness would be the most common issue.

kali110 · 09/11/2015 17:49

I wasn't saying anything about size and first cousins having kids.
I was simply addressing a poster who said that size has no baring on health.

Original poster
Refuse · 09/11/2015 18:40

RollingRollingRolling

Is th cousin you fancy the one that is getting married? And should you look at yourself fancying one of your cousins whilst you are in a relationship?

I don't understand what you mean with the above statement. I don't fancy either of my cousins.

sofato5miles It's neither here nor there in that respect. I don't dislike him but I'm not his biggest fan. We've always just exchanged pleasantries. Nothing more nothing less. He does seem a good person though.

Blondeshavemorefun Thanks for your message. I'm sorry to read about your dh. My DP has told me in no uncertain terms over the yeas that he's staying firmly out of it. I've ranted and raved to him about it but he's never taken a position so I can't say how he feels. He'll go if I go.

OP posts: