To not go to my cousin and cousin's wedding

[Refuse]

NC as I've posted quite a bit about this relationship over the years.

Two of my first cousins have organised a Christmas wedding and I refuse to attend it out of principle. There are millions, if not billions, of suitable partners for these two so why choose each other. We are all first cousins!

My parents, aunts and uncles and my siblings all intend to attend but I won't be moved. I know it probably won't make a little bit of difference to them (my cousins) but I can't go knowing full well how much I disapprove of their relationship.

My immediate family feel similar to me but will go regardless. They want me to attend and in truth there is nothing stopping me from going other than my dislike for their relationship. I know it's not unreasonable to not attend a wedding but I just had to get this out now that invites have come along.

"Shut - don't be willfully blind! BOTH DCs are deaf that means it's GENETIC!"

Well not necessarily. Deafness has many causes. It might make it more likely, although again you need to handle those stats carefully. Also even if it is genetic, that can happen outside of 1st-cousin marriages.

I'd be a bit freaked out if my MIL was also my aunt but really one 1st cousin marriage isn't much of an issue. It happened more when we lived in smaller communities and travelled less. It also happened when inheritances might be disputed - stops two lines of a family arguing about inheritance if they just marry each other.

OP don't go if you don't want to. But as for there being billions of other people they could have chosen - evidently they don't think so, and good luck to them.

It's unusual but I wouldn't boycott the day.

The genetic risks aren't as bad as people think. It is the first time that the generation that is their children will have some of the same dna from both sides. The risk of a child with a difficulty of some sort is only very slightly increased. I remember being surprised by that. The real risks come from repeated intermarriage within families. There is nothing to worry about really.

A half-brother and a half-sister unknowingly had a baby together in Ireland a while ago and luckily the media was unscuccessful in tracking them down. The child was known to be healthy with no problems

Surely problems are more likely caused by generations of marriage between cousins than a one off. Ie it depends on how narrow the gene pool is to start with.

But either way the only person losing out from not attending is you so do as you please. It doesn't sound like they'll be surprised.

I don't wish either of them harm but the relationship is wrong

That's your opinion.

The two people in this situation whose opinion matters most....obviously don't think it's wrong.

left, you're being very aggressive.

I've read the thread, but you neglected to specify, so I asked you to clarify.

Did you read the rest of my post - or Mrs De Vere's where she explained it in more detail?

"There are millions, if not billions, of suitable partners for these two so why choose each other. We are all first cousins!"

You can't help who you fall in love with. I think they've been quite decent in inviting you even though they know you want them to break up. Just shows they're trying to extend an olive branch.

its absolutely gross to marry your first cousin. Even second cousin.

I dont think id want to go either, but then again, I always try and get out of going to weddings

refuse, can you pin down why you think it is so wrong?

I do get that ideas about incest are culturally specific. I know there have been past cultures where marrying a niece/uncle wasn't considered incest and I can sort of see where you're coming from, because that idea makes me feel that sense of revulsion too.

It's just, where do you draw the line? Is it very fair to expect people not to do something that's perfectly legal, and socially acceptable to most people?

Enjolrass Because those threads would certainly out all of us.

I do miss the friendship but I'm not angry because she didn't do what I said. I'm angry because this is wrong. For me it is akin to incest. I think I'll let go, it's just that I have an invite now, inviting me to a wedding which to all intents and purposes looks lovely, except it's not.

left- do I detect a bit of judgy judgy there with the 'added x-factor' of it being a gay wedding?

Why are people so convinced that the way they feel is the right way? we can have differing opinions of a film say and don't have to beat the others down that don't agree..its the same with life. Its a dialectic. Both opinions can exist at the same time and it is what it is. If you don't like it stay away but it doesnt make it wrong.

Enjolrass Because those threads would certainly out all of us.

And this thread wouldn't?

Your opinion doesn't matter on this, and there's no reason why it should, regardless of whether your cousin asked you or not. She asked you for your viewpoint, not to decide for her whether she should call it off or not.

If you don't approve, and can't swallow that disapproval enough to have a nice day at their wedding with no snidey comments or side-eye, then don't go. I certainly wouldn't have wanted someone at my wedding knowing they were thinking sour thoughts the whole time.

If you want to make your disapproval crystal clear (which it seems from your posts that you do), then also don't go. That'll show 'em, damn pervy kids. Although if they've got any common sense they'll just shrug and move on.

Good job it's none of your business OP.

JeanneDeMontbaston I draw the line at any familial connection.

munkisocks I stand by that phrase. I think I "could help" not falling in love with my cousin. Of all people! I'm not so sure it's an olive branch more than I would be the only family member not attending / not invited. Infact considering my family and my sisters feel the same way I do I am quite confused by my family's attitude.

"gross to marry a second cousin" come on!!! that's like, a total stranger fgs

I'm sorry, but it's just wrong and it makes me so sad.

I had a very brief fling with a cousin. It didn't have time to develop into a full sexual,relatiinship. It did feel a bit odd-but our mothers were delighted, they'd have loved a permanent relationship.

I'm not sure I'd want to see two of my grandchildren marry each other if I'm honest. Although as someone said, you can't help who you fall in love with.

Op, go or don't go, the wedding will go ahead with or without you.

I don't wish either of them harm but the relationship is wrong

You only get to decide that it is wrong for you to marry a cousin. You dont get to declare it wrong for anyone else to do it.

OP, I'm imagining if two my cousins got married to each other. I'd find it odd, I grant you. But I think I'd just keep quiet on the matter. What's the point wading in?

Are you going to ignore them for the rest if your life?
What about if they have kids? Will you congratulate them and turn up with a gift or ignore them?

Their intention is to build a life together. It's not illegal and it's not completely unusual either.
Haven't the upper classes and royalty always been at it?

I think the saddest thing about it is that you've severed your relationship with your cousin, who was clearly a close friend if she asked your advice at the start. That is sad.

Shut - don't be willfully blind! BOTH DCs are deaf that means it's GENETIC!

Not necessarily but likely - however if it is genetic it doesn't mean that the defective genes have been inherited from both parents. For many conditions, it only takes one parent to be a carrier. I find the attitude that the only possible cause of two childrens' condition is that their parents are first cousins a bit scary tbh. With such vehemence too that the point was being proven.

OP it's obvious that you aren't going to change your mind about your belief that the marriage is wrong, therefore YANBU to not go. I do disagree with you however and it think it's very sad that you've allowed your feelings to end what sounded like a close relationship. I full well know that my opinion carries not one jot of importance as they're obsessed with going ahead nonetheless you sound as though you expected the relationship to end because of your feelings about it. At the end of the day, it's really not your decision who your cousins decide to marry. Stay away if you don't approve but I really think YABU to expect them to change their mind about the wedding.

Does incest have a legal definition? Which does not include first cousins?

It isn't "akin to incest". It's legal and in some communities not only common but encouraged. Yes, repeated first cousin marriages can lead to problems with disabilities, but that doesn't seem to be the situation here.

And on the point of incest, barriers to even that are breaking down in some countries - Sweden or one of the other Scandinavian countries I think has debated decriminalising it.

I'd apologise to them, relax, go to the wedding and have fun.
Cos five years from now they're gonna have a row of gorgeous healthy children meeting all their milestones and you'll feel an eejit. So patch things up before it is too late.

Clearing up the grandparents issue, any child born to first cousins will have:

2 parents (normal number, obviously!)
4 grandparents (normal number but two are siblings)
6 great-grandparents (rather than the usual 8)