Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to my cousin and cousin's wedding

570 replies

Refuse · 05/11/2015 14:07

NC as I've posted quite a bit about this relationship over the years.

Two of my first cousins have organised a Christmas wedding and I refuse to attend it out of principle. There are millions, if not billions, of suitable partners for these two so why choose each other. We are all first cousins!

My parents, aunts and uncles and my siblings all intend to attend but I won't be moved. I know it probably won't make a little bit of difference to them (my cousins) but I can't go knowing full well how much I disapprove of their relationship.

My immediate family feel similar to me but will go regardless. They want me to attend and in truth there is nothing stopping me from going other than my dislike for their relationship. I know it's not unreasonable to not attend a wedding but I just had to get this out now that invites have come along.

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 05/11/2015 14:43

I actually don't get why you have such a big issue with this.

You have told your cousin and all your family how you feel, you also know yanbu in not attending.

So what it is that you want 'to get out'?

Why have you been posting about their relationship.

It's quite simple you don't approve, they are upset by it....but aren't changing their minds.

Or is the fact that thy won't listen to you pissing you off? If so then yanbu

Shutthatdoor · 05/11/2015 14:43

On my grandfather's farm one of the farmworkers married his cousin and both of their dcs were deaf

Do you actually know it the DCs being deaf has anything to do with the parents being cousins or are you just throwing assumptions around?

my money is on the former rather than the latter

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 05/11/2015 14:44

And I'm pretty sure if there was incest* in my family, I'd post on MN for a bit of guidance!

*yes it is.

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 05/11/2015 14:44

Shut - don't be willfully blind! BOTH DCs are deaf that means it's GENETIC!

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest · 05/11/2015 14:44

Do people really think this is normal/acceptable or are people just saying that it's not OP's place to interfere?

I honestly would find it VERY strange and, whilst obviously being polite, would not be vocally supportive so I feel quite out of step with the rest of the replies on this thread.

However I grew up very close to my cousins, more like siblings in our relationships, so that may be clouding my view.

SurlyCue · 05/11/2015 14:45

Why do you feel it is unacceptable OP? What are the reasons?

Enjolrass · 05/11/2015 14:46

one

Read the posts. most have said, me included, that it's a bit odd. But it's the not the OPs place to interfere.

Dollymixtureyumyum · 05/11/2015 14:47

It's legal
It's happening
Time for you to acccept it or butt out

JeanneDeMontbaston · 05/11/2015 14:48

Yep, normal and acceptable IMO.

left - huh? The OP hasn't said anything about deafness has she? Or have I missed a post?

But in any case, two DC being deaf certainly doesn't prove the reason was cousins marrying. It might be. But it could also result from totally unrelated parents who just happened to be a certain genetic match, or from one parent's DNA.

If you know you are at risk of passing on a condition, I think you might reasonably be a bit more nervy about how you marry and their genetics - but MrsDVere explained why it's more complex than just 'argh, don't marry your cousin!"

LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 05/11/2015 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

IsadoraQuagmire · 05/11/2015 14:51

I used to date my cousin AND we grew up together Grin Can't see what the problem is personally.

runlulurun · 05/11/2015 14:53

my opinion carries not one jot of importance as they're obsessed with going ahead nonetheless.

Well no, why would your opinion matter to them?! I can't imagine any couple meeting a falling in love, and then deciding to call it day because someone told them they didn't approve! OP you are being Very unreasonable to be annoyed with them for not doing what you have told them. Are they really obsessed with going ahead regardless? Or are they just going ahead.

Original poster
Refuse · 05/11/2015 14:53

Enjolrass I have posted in the past because at the beginning of their relationship she (cousin) asked me what I thought and if I thought any of our relatives would take issue with it. We were close, that ended when she decided to pursue a relationship with him regardless. I posted at the time because I wanted to be supportive but at the same time was repulsed by it and now we no longer have a close relationship because of it. The subsequent post on their relationship was about losing our close relationship. It's not like I've been posting a million AIBUs about cousins getting married.

OP posts:
LeftMyRidingCropInTheMortuary · 05/11/2015 14:53

Jeanne - RTFT - I was replying to Shut.

Re: the "it's only one generation so genetic problems probably won't happen"

Imagine having to tell your kids - look, mummy and daddy done a bit of incest so you kids can't ok or our grandchildren will have twelve fingers. So here's some money to go abroad and widen this very shallow gene pool.

Crankycunt · 05/11/2015 14:53

Yanbu, the thought of marrying a cousin is repulsive which is why I'm not going to do do it, and in my heart of hearts I don't think I could support my cousins if they chose to do it.

You'd be a hypocrite if you went to the wedding, you've made your feelings known, and know is the time to let them get on with it. I'm sure they'll have a wonderful day.

Thumbcat · 05/11/2015 14:53

Having seen a number of children through work who have all kinds of health problems due to their parents being first cousins I think I would feel similar to you OP.

moonbells · 05/11/2015 14:54

My father is the child of two first cousins. He remains convinced that some of his health issues are due to this (rather than the fact my grandad wasn't a particularly nice person and beat up on him and his mother). But from a medical point of view, one first cousin marriage has relatively low risk (but not zero). Repeated ones over several generations are much higher.

If you ever wonder why it's a problem in humans but not in groups of animals, read up on gene pool sizes. Despite there being 7 billion of us, our genetic variations are actually very small compared with, say, horses. Which gives us a bigger risk of cosanguinuity problems.

RhodaBull · 05/11/2015 14:54

Often religious/moral objections are grounded in common sense. Common sense in the case of relatives marrying dictates that it may result in abnormalities.

Some people on here are getting a bit twittery and pulling the "racist" card. It's not racist to point out a fact. The fact is that the Pakistani community comprises 3% of the UK. And 55% of disabled children. Something of a correlation, then. And it's the disabled children who suffer.

The practice may currently be legal, but it has had it's day and should be stopped.

Dandelionandburdock1 · 05/11/2015 14:54

Well my grandparents were first cousins and it wasn't a big deal in those days.

It hasn't affected my or my family's life in any way whatsoever and we're all healthy!

What exactly is your objection?

Original poster
Refuse · 05/11/2015 14:55

JeanneDeMontbaston

Don't you think it's rather hurtful to them that you've been hoping they'd break up?

Yes it is. But this isn't like hoping two random people I care about will break up. These are two first cousins! I don't wish either of them harm but the relationship is wrong. I didn't grow up with certain cousins of mine but I would certainly never entertain the idea of a relationship with them.

OP posts:
needmorespace · 05/11/2015 14:56

shakey it wouldn't matter if she did shout as loud as she could that it is 'wrong' as being cousins is not an impediment to marriage. The registrar (I am one) would simply be utterly bemused by it but the marriage would take place.

RhodaBull · 05/11/2015 14:56

It is a problem with animals, moonbells. Look at dogs that are inbred to preserve the breed characteristics. Many health problems.

Nottodaythankyouorever · 05/11/2015 14:58

left It isn't incest!

Enjolrass · 05/11/2015 14:59

Enjolrass I have posted in the past because at the beginning of their relationship she (cousin) asked me what I thought and if I thought any of our relatives would take issue with it. We were close, that ended when she decided to pursue a relationship with him regardless.

ok so why name change?

Also it really does sound like your issue is because she didn't decide you were right and went ahead even though you expressed you unhappiness, rather than the cousin thing.

Don't go to the wedding. But I would have a proper think about what your real issue here is. Is it the cousin thing? The fact that she didn't listen? Or the fact that you blame this relationship for the damage to you and your cousins friendship?

I haven't seen the other threads. But it must have been fairly obvious that if you objected to the relationship it would effect the relationship you had with your cousin.

EssentialHummus · 05/11/2015 14:59

On the genetics point: surely they / anyone can get tested for illnesses/mutations linked to that community?

Ashkenazi (European) Jews are prone to Tay-Sachs disease, for example. As a result most Jewish couples who marry get screened for it (particularly where it's an arranged marriage and there's no relationship to disrupt if the marriage would lead to children with this disease).

I stand by my earlier point however that this feels too close to incest.

Swipe left for the next trending thread