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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

..to be uncomfortable with how often my boyfriend sees his ex?

102 replies

markmeoutoften · 04/11/2015 20:11

I've been with my boyfriend for the last five months. Everything's going well, he's lovely, kind, trustworthy etc

The only issue is the amount he sees his ex (and is in touch with her generally). They were together for 4 years and broke up around 2 years ago. She is in a relationship and he has had relationships since and obviously is now with me.

They meet fortnightly for dinner. She took him out for a birthday meal. His exes have told him he has attachment issues (in fact he text a more recent ex, a relationship that ended abruptly and not on brilliant terms, 'happy birthday' a few weeks ago to what end?). He discusses our relationship with this ex in quite a lot of detail. She's his only female friend. I don't think he holds any kind of romantic feeling for her, but I do feel that the more serious we get, the more she's requesting to meet him at other times, Saturday nights when I can't see him, calling him about her relationship at midnight...

It's never suggested that I might meet her at some point of come to their meals out - yet I'm introduced to all of his other friends and socialise with them. He's outright mentioned that a lot of other people tell them it's weird. They don't have mutual friends so they always meet just the two of them.

Maybe I am being unreasonable? I trust him so maybe I should just accept this relationship. I've brought it up with him, he just says 'yes people say it's weird she's important to me'. Maybe I don't have any right to ask him to change things? For full disclosure the only ex I speak to is my DD's father and that's through necessity. We certainly don't have fortnightly dinners out just the two of us.

Do I need to suck it up?

OP posts:

ChiefInspectorBarnaby · 04/11/2015 20:13

YANBU

Original poster

markmeoutoften · 04/11/2015 20:15

Just to add a final point, he has told me his father wishes they had stayed together and says he will regret splitting with her. And he's only just told his dad about me (but hasn't mentioned I have a dd in case of his reaction), which just adds insult to injury really. He was worried about his father's reaction to a single mother...

OP posts:

BrideOfWankenstein · 04/11/2015 20:18

YANBU

I wouldn't be with someone who hides my child from his father.

flustercuck · 04/11/2015 20:19

Run for the hills.

Jelly101 · 04/11/2015 20:19

YANBU. I would feel exactly the same. You're important to him too. He should consider how you may feel about this situation and how he would feel if it was the other way around.

Original poster

markmeoutoften · 04/11/2015 20:20

He said he wanted to tell his dad slowly for fear of his reaction. His dad isn't British and he said it would be a cultural thing. Boyfriend himself has met dd twice and is absolutely lovely, knows that being part of my life entails being part of her life and is fully on board with that, before I paint him in too harsh a light.

OP posts:

ChiefInspectorBarnaby · 04/11/2015 20:20

Why are you with someone who has 0 respect for you? You're worth more. Ditch.

Original poster

markmeoutoften · 04/11/2015 20:21

Oh dear, I think I wanted you all to tell me I was overreacting. Glad to know I'm not losing my mind at least, but worried that my instincts were similar to those who have answered so far.

OP posts:

SaucyJack · 04/11/2015 20:21

She sounds like an Unflushable.

No, you don't have to suck it up if it's important to you to be in a relationship with a man who isn't still emotionally tied to his ex. You have the right to set your own standards about what you will and won't put up with.

Be warned though..... If you speak to him about it he may well not choose you. (And in that case, run like the clappers)

StealthPolarBear · 04/11/2015 20:21

Is he worried about whether you'll approve of his dad?

Epilepsyhelp · 04/11/2015 20:22

Well why the hell did he tell you what his dad said?! Tactless idiot. Maybe he's trying to make you jealous.

Sounds pretty immature to be seeing an ex so much and talking about you, I would not be happy with that. He should either move on or don't.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/11/2015 20:22

This is a relationship that will cause you no end of grief.

5 months?, I'd end it now because he's got issues with his Dad that don't work for you and your dd.

Original poster

markmeoutoften · 04/11/2015 20:23

A tell tale sign that it's not really normal is that his ex actually said she wouldn't invite him to her theoretical wedding as her partner wouldn't like it and it would be strange. So it clearly isn't a clear cut platonic relationship is it as least on her part.

OP posts:

Abidewithme3 · 04/11/2015 20:23

He sounds kind but weak!

Such people are treacherous and easily led.

Personally I would run for the hills op.

NewNameNotTheSame · 04/11/2015 20:24

Oh God, life is far too short for dealing with this type of shit. It's been five months, cut you losses and find someone who respects you and is proud to have you and your DD in his arm.

Abidewithme3 · 04/11/2015 20:25

she sounds like an unflushable

AlwaysHope1 · 04/11/2015 20:26

You should run based purely on the ex factor! They broke up over 2 years ago and he thinks it's ok to be having private dinners with her? I don't think anyone would be happy no matter how trusting you are.

Also keeping your dd a secret is definitely not on.

waterrat · 04/11/2015 20:26

If she was really just his friend you would have met her. You know that.

AnyFucker · 04/11/2015 20:28

you know those people who said this situation is weird ?

they were right

can't you do better than this ?

catfordbetty · 04/11/2015 20:29

Time to cash in your chips. That way you will only have lost five months.

ivykaty44 · 04/11/2015 20:34

They have left little hooks in each other and your dp has left hooks in other exes - why does he need to hang on with these hooks is what you need to know.....

But the hiding your dc from his family is a big alarm bell

Whooosh...

Damselindestress · 04/11/2015 20:41

YANBU to be uncomfortable. It's a red flag that he won't introduce you, why not if she's just like any other friend? I also think there is a lack of boundaries with her calling at midnight. And it's interesting that he hasn't introduced you to his dad after 5 months and in fact has only just mentioned you. I can't help wondering if it's because his dad knows something about his relationship with his 'ex' and might drop him in it. This reminds me of an ex boyfriend of mine. When we were dating he wouldn't introduce me to his parents for cultural reasons. They were strict muslims and apparently wouldn't accept him dating someone who wasn't. He and his ex were apparently just friends then I found out he'd been cheating on me with her and they got back together. Interestingly she wasn't muslim either.

I think your boyfriend is hiding something. You deserve someone who is proud of you and your DD and introduces you to the important people in his life.

Original poster

markmeoutoften · 04/11/2015 20:47

I do feel that I've painted him in a bad light in some ways, as he is totally proud of us, I have met his mum, she asks after my dd, she contacts me about my bf and tells me how happy he is with me.

I did tell him I was upset about him not telling his dad about my DD. I know they have a tricky relationship but he suggested that I meet his dad before he tells him about my dd so he can get rid of his preconceptions. He just sounds bigoted and I'm not minded to give a shiny shite what his dad thinks of the fact I'm a single mother in all honesty.

But the ex thing isn't on is it. He is genuinely and honestly a really good person. The people closest to me (mum and sisters) all think that too, and they're usually good bullshit detectors.

They don't agree with the ex thing though. And clearly I do need to give him an ultimatum about it and if he chooses to continue seeing her with such frequency and doesn't create clear boundaries with her then I guess I have my answer.

OP posts:

Branleuse · 04/11/2015 20:48

hes actually going on dates with his ex? Discussing your relationship with her?

You know the answer to this.

AnyFucker · 04/11/2015 20:51

I think you will end up chewing down on the gristle that is his ongoing relationship with his ex because he is such a trustworthy, lovely, genuinely lovely person

It is written all over your posts

Good luck with that

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