Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to be uncomfortable with how often my boyfriend sees his ex?

102 replies

markmeoutoften · 04/11/2015 20:11

I've been with my boyfriend for the last five months. Everything's going well, he's lovely, kind, trustworthy etc

The only issue is the amount he sees his ex (and is in touch with her generally). They were together for 4 years and broke up around 2 years ago. She is in a relationship and he has had relationships since and obviously is now with me.

They meet fortnightly for dinner. She took him out for a birthday meal. His exes have told him he has attachment issues (in fact he text a more recent ex, a relationship that ended abruptly and not on brilliant terms, 'happy birthday' a few weeks ago to what end?). He discusses our relationship with this ex in quite a lot of detail. She's his only female friend. I don't think he holds any kind of romantic feeling for her, but I do feel that the more serious we get, the more she's requesting to meet him at other times, Saturday nights when I can't see him, calling him about her relationship at midnight...

It's never suggested that I might meet her at some point of come to their meals out - yet I'm introduced to all of his other friends and socialise with them. He's outright mentioned that a lot of other people tell them it's weird. They don't have mutual friends so they always meet just the two of them.

Maybe I am being unreasonable? I trust him so maybe I should just accept this relationship. I've brought it up with him, he just says 'yes people say it's weird she's important to me'. Maybe I don't have any right to ask him to change things? For full disclosure the only ex I speak to is my DD's father and that's through necessity. We certainly don't have fortnightly dinners out just the two of us.

Do I need to suck it up?

OP posts:
tigermoll · 04/11/2015 22:26

Oh. I have a very close relationship with my ex (together six years, split up for one). We meet up just the two of us, hang out with friends and discuss (among other things) our current partners. Just like a friend. If anyone I was seeing tried to lean on me to see less of him, I'd tell the person I was seeing to git to fuck. He's a wonderful man and I value him, but have no desire whatsoever to get back with him romantically. In fact, we get on so much better now we aren't boyfriend /girlfriend.
You are in this relationship , not me, and you are best placed to say if your spidey senses are tingling. But I would say that, in and of itself, maintaining a friendship with an ex is a positive not a negative.

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/11/2015 22:30

Please don't issue him with an ultimatum.

Pick your dignity up, and just leave.

The minute you need to start issuing ultimatums to your life partner is the minute you need to cop onto the fact that you're not in a satisfactory relationship.

If he agrees to the ultimatum, you're setting yourself up to be the target of his resentment. Loselose.

Either he wants to do whatever is required of him or he doesn't. Forcing it via ultimatum is a recipe for disaster.

You deserve better than this. Better is out there.

MissBattleaxe · 04/11/2015 22:39

he may be dating you but he's still having an emotional affair with her in plain sight. leave him now.

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 04/11/2015 22:42

During their relationship she did put some keylogger or screen captioning software on his computer to watch he was doing online. Seems fairly controlling. While I think that he could very much not see her, I do feel that she's the one stepping up the comms, pushing for more contact. He's not even slightly secretive with his phone, there's no passcode on it and he happily leaves it lying around so I don't think there's anything in terms of messages that would be bothersome. He's certainly not trying to hide any of the meetings.

Realise that I sound like someone trying to convince themselves that all is right.

No, you sound like someone trying to convince herself that the big mean lady is cunningly ensnaring your sweet innocent helpless man TBH.

He knows what he's doing and he's making his own choices.

I'm not sure that 'she seems controlling' is the headline message I'd take from the keylogger story, either.

MissBattleaxe · 04/11/2015 22:44

tigermoll that's very unfair on any new partner. It's basically what this thread is about.

AyeAmarok · 04/11/2015 22:45

I don't know if he necessarily is still hankering after her, but he is definitely letting her pull the strings and control him.

Ihad a friend who did this to her ex, she insisted on going out for dinner with him, alone, every fortnight when he got into a new relationship. When he had plans with his new girlfriend and suggested a lunch instead she threw a tantrum about it. She forced him to always choose her, so that the new GF knew her place. Nice girl Hmm

She also ended up shagging him once she thought the relationship was getting serious. He was a very weak man too. TBH they were made for each other.

AlwaysHope1 · 04/11/2015 22:49

Tigermoll that actually does not sound ok.

TheDowagerCuntess · 04/11/2015 22:50

tigermoll's post proves why am ultimatum is pointless (presumably you don't deliberately exclude your partner from your close friendship with your ex?).

It's fine to maintain a friendship with an ex, and it's also fine to be the new partner and not be happy with it. In which case, leave the two of them happily to it.

tigermoll · 04/11/2015 22:57

Tigermoll that actually does not sound ok

Oh right. What's not OK about it? Genuine question -- I know that many people have reason to feel angry/hurt/betrayed by an ex, but in this instance, I don't. He was good enough to go out with for 6 years, why are all those good qualities suddenly negated.

tigermoll's post proves why am ultimatum is pointless (presumably you don't deliberately exclude your partner from your close friendship with your ex?)

If my partner tried to stop me seeing my friends (however they came to be such) I would consider that a red flag. I did point out in my post that the OP may have other reasons to feel uncomfortable (the keylogger is massively weird and unacceptable) but as I said " in and of itself, maintaining a friendship with an ex is a positive not a negative".

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 04/11/2015 22:58

He is an emotional hoarder. It will never get better trust me, I am married to one.

Its not about keeping women on the back boiler in case he needs a back up but comes, imo, from a fear of missing out. What if they split up and suddenly she turns into the woman of his dreams and he misses his chance? Or she suddenly falls right back in love with him and cant find him?

In reality he wouldnt want to get back with any of them, but there is something that stops him from just cutting them off. He refers to them all as "friends" and implies my unreasonableness because I dont like it. He wont stop seeing her, he will just lie to you about it. He definitely didnt cheat with one of them just sexted and had phone sex....so thats alright then.

Dont walk away, run. Please. Dont be me, too bound up financially, maritally and with children to leave.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 04/11/2015 23:03

Oh and he has never been secretive about me, the "friends" know about me, our child, our marriage etc, but I know very little about them. They greet me when they see us together, they ask about me and DD and then I have to ask "Who was that?" and he says that it was X in a tone of voice that suggests I should have known.

He is a hoarder in other ways too, he will never throw anything away in case it might come in useful in future. The sexter came in useful when he went off me sexually during pregnancy, he didnt want sex with her or to leave me so he used her as sort of "living" porn.

AnyFucker · 04/11/2015 23:05

ugh Sad

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 04/11/2015 23:07

Is that to me AF?

If it is, you know the story well. We talked a lot way back then

AnyFucker · 04/11/2015 23:17

Yes, Gladys, if we have talked before I am probably all out of nicer ways to describe your situation (I don't recognise you, btw)

ugh seemed to sum it up Sad

Why are you still there ?

MissBattleaxe · 04/11/2015 23:24

I think some exes do the thing where they don't want you but they are still possessive when you meet someone new.

MissBattleaxe · 04/11/2015 23:27

but as I said " in and of itself, maintaining a friendship with an ex is a positive not a negative"

depends on which side of the fence you are sitting tigermoll.
For the new partner- not so much fun. For the exes sharing a lovely "just us" friendship despite having partners- great fun!

Personally I could not tolerate a relationship that involved my partner seeing his ex regularly alone and discussing our relationship with her. It's basically having two girlfriends and only sleeping with one of them.

Gladysandtheflathamsandwich · 04/11/2015 23:41

It's basically having two girlfriends and only sleeping with one of them.

This.

And the one that he is sleeping with never being entirely sure if she is the one and only....

Muckogy · 04/11/2015 23:51

yep - i'd be kicking his arse into the bin.
ditch this loser. immediately.

CerseiHeartsJaime4ever · 04/11/2015 23:53

I still speak to one particular ex. Its about once every couple of years, I might see something that reminds me of him and call. I ask after his mum/sister or he'll call me and ask after the kids. Its awkward after about 3 minutes of pleasantries. There is no way we could sustain continued weekly evenings out and we still have a lot of care (totally platonic) for each other because we shared our lives for so long. DP knows him vaguely as well, its fine.

I think this is ok if its out in the open ie, you or other people were invited or she was in his social group. But its not like that, its exclusive to them Hmm

Abidewithme3 · 05/11/2015 00:00

Good luck with that then tigermoll

Op you should be the Saturday night date not his ex.

Mmmm ex should be what it says on the Tin! Ex, gone.

Op have some self respect love. This bloke is a twat.

MatrixReloaded · 05/11/2015 01:10

They went out together on his birthday ? He takes her for dinner twice a month ?

How often does he take you out ?

Senpai · 05/11/2015 02:16

tigermoll If you aren't willing to back off your ex when you meet a new guy, then frankly you're not ready to move on to a new relationship.

I'm still friends with my ex, but I would never meet up with him for a faux date. I hang out with him time to time with mutual friends and have introduced DH to him. I don't insist on seeing him one on one and I certainly wouldn't think it fair to my new partner to insist they be ok with me being around my lover of 5 years. Trust needs to be built, you can't expect your new boyfriend to just trust you on your say so when you're seeing your old flame.

That said, OP ditch him. Right now he's choosing not to choose. Giving him an ultimate relieves him of that choice making any "consequences" on you not him and his respect for you.

bronnie98 · 05/11/2015 08:06

I'm great friends with my ex BUT I'm also good friends with his gf. If you're not meeting her and being friends too - that's ringing warning bells. He can't have it both ways. She's either in the ex category and he doesn't have contact or she's in the friend category and you're introduced as that's what happens with friends.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 05/11/2015 08:40

Why do people put up with this shit? My DH would be thrown out in a heartbeat if he met an Ex for dinner. Fuck that! How could you not be incandescent with rage? And the thing is, my DH knows this. And he would never cross my boundaries. If you don't like my line, don't cross it, or you're gone. And that's it. Please put your foot down or chuck him out.

maybebabybee · 05/11/2015 08:51

Just want to stick my hand up quietly and say I still see my ex one on one...I'm happy in my relationship with DP, and also pregnant with our first. But then the ex and me were friends from very young, before we got together, so we just sort of went back to being friends afterwards IYSWIM.

I certainly don't see him every 2 weeks though, maybe just once every couple of months for a coffee.

Swipe left for the next trending thread