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Original poster

..to be uncomfortable with how often my boyfriend sees his ex?

102 replies

markmeoutoften · 04/11/2015 20:11

I've been with my boyfriend for the last five months. Everything's going well, he's lovely, kind, trustworthy etc

The only issue is the amount he sees his ex (and is in touch with her generally). They were together for 4 years and broke up around 2 years ago. She is in a relationship and he has had relationships since and obviously is now with me.

They meet fortnightly for dinner. She took him out for a birthday meal. His exes have told him he has attachment issues (in fact he text a more recent ex, a relationship that ended abruptly and not on brilliant terms, 'happy birthday' a few weeks ago to what end?). He discusses our relationship with this ex in quite a lot of detail. She's his only female friend. I don't think he holds any kind of romantic feeling for her, but I do feel that the more serious we get, the more she's requesting to meet him at other times, Saturday nights when I can't see him, calling him about her relationship at midnight...

It's never suggested that I might meet her at some point of come to their meals out - yet I'm introduced to all of his other friends and socialise with them. He's outright mentioned that a lot of other people tell them it's weird. They don't have mutual friends so they always meet just the two of them.

Maybe I am being unreasonable? I trust him so maybe I should just accept this relationship. I've brought it up with him, he just says 'yes people say it's weird she's important to me'. Maybe I don't have any right to ask him to change things? For full disclosure the only ex I speak to is my DD's father and that's through necessity. We certainly don't have fortnightly dinners out just the two of us.

Do I need to suck it up?

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 05/11/2015 09:31

ILiveAtTheBeach- I would feel that way too!

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 05/11/2015 09:32

"He said 'Oh I was out with [ex] last night and she said she wondered if I embarrass you in restaurants by ordering off menu like I do with her'. It's like she's trying to make a 'them'. Very odd."

Have a think about why he would tell you this snippet. Has it ever occurred to you that he is also telling you they are a 'them'?

MissBattleaxe · 05/11/2015 09:46

OnIlkeyMorr- I thought that. It's very cliquey. It's also as if the ex is sending her a message "We have in-jokes, we talk about you. You weren't invited. He's still mine."

BurkiniBody · 05/11/2015 09:50

The ex scenario is ridiculous and I can't for the life of me fathom why on earth you are still with him because of that.

But I do also think the issue with his dad is huge. I think it's less about the 'cultural issues' of you being a single parent and much much more about the fact that his dad liked his ex why did he even tell you this

You partner should have the backbone to say to his dad 'I'm an adult, I make my own choices, I've chosen to be with a wonderful woman who has a wonderful DD'. Then if his dad doesn't like it he should have the backbone to tell his dad to fucking lump it.

Original poster
markmeoutoften · 05/11/2015 09:55

Thanks all for your replies. MissBattleaxe and OnIlkeyMorr yes I definitely feel like it's cliquey. They obviously have years of shared history etc and instead of moving forward and making new memories with new partners they both seem stuck on the past.

As many people have said, I see why the ultimatum won't work. he has had ample opportunity to stop the contact and chooses not to. I have told him that I don't think it's normal and I don't find it comfortable and again, he chooses to continue so I suppose that tells me all I need to know.

maybebabybee that sounds like a normal situation though. Every few months is normal, every two weeks just isn't (with mostly daily contact in between)

I only see him about as often as her (fortnightly) due to distance.

I realise now how ridiculous this situation is now. I do deserve someone who will put my feelings (whether they're about the ex or his dad) first.

OP posts:
TracyBarlow · 05/11/2015 09:57

I agree with ILiveAtTheBeach. Life is just too short for this utter, utter crap. If you are with someone, and they are the right person for you, they will not be dating their ex knowing it's completely disrespectful to you. Someone who loves you will treasure you and want to do everything they can to make you happy. Not chuck hand grenades into your relationship to make them feel like they're so fucking cool for being 'mates' with their ex.

Just move on and find a nice man. There are plenty out there.

SlaggyIsland · 05/11/2015 09:59

tigermoll if I was starting a relationship with a guy who had a relationship like yours with your ex, I'd expect him to back away sharpish or I'd leave.
I'm still friends with my ex - I or DH and I occasionally have a coffee or drink with him and his DP. I don't think either of our partners would exactly love it if we went for cosy dinners, so we don't.

PiperChapstick · 05/11/2015 10:01

Do you know what OP I'd have said if you really like and trust him maybe overlook the ex thing, a lot of people stay friends with their ex etc etc. But not telling his dad you have a DD - how bloody dare he! Children are a blessing and a wonder, not a burden and something to be hidden away like a dirty secret. I'm actually angry for you. bollocks to him and bollocks to his dad.Run a mile Flowers

Bimblywibble · 05/11/2015 10:18

SaucyJack "She sounds an Unflushable."

Oh Jeffrey!

OP I hope the hive mind is over-reacting. It's been known! But I have an ex who to talk a lot about his ex he was "still close to", and I'm afraid they are now married with a couple of children. It's just one anecdote mind.

JoffreyBaratheon · 05/11/2015 11:30

More anecdata... in 1999, I met then was with for several years, a certain person. Now I'm fairly free spirited so wasn't too troubled that he had ex's numbers on his phone and occasionally I knew they spoke to him, or he did to them. I told myself I'm a grown up; he's a free agent, etc etc.

Like someone said upthread, there are 'emotional hoarders' - and I grew to suspect more than one ex - all people he'd dumped not the other way round - were still more on his mind than they should have been. Still I told myself it was upto him and they were only friends and in fact, I think they probably were. But there was something about him whereby he couldn't quite cut them free. He was an actor and I now think it was all ego. He clearly didn't even want any exes but still couldn't fully disengage. He talked about my immediate predecessor far too much.

As time went on I realised I wanted rid of him, and I started to feel sorry for them all, especially the one before me who seemed to have been madly in love with him at the time he'd ended it. I distanced myself as he was a bit stalker-y then dumped him, in 2002.

For years after I left him and there was a prohibited steps court order in place to keep him away from my house...he was sending me emails. Maybe one every three months. Not one for months then there'd be two in a week... it built up slowly, over years. Slowly these crept up til - a decade since I'd even seen him - I was getting several lengthy emails a day.

Fast forward 13 years. I had 300 plus emails in a year - some of them 90 pages long. Yes, this man had issues. (Like you, at the time I was with him I'd have said he was 'lovely' - but that warmth and loyalt was actually masking something far more sinister. I had to take him to court for harassment after he ignored a police warning not to contact me and the upshot was - there is now a restraining order type thing in place. If he sends me one email - he's behind bars.

Please run fast. You have a child to think of.

squoosh · 05/11/2015 11:33

Ditch this guy.

That is all.

PennyPants · 05/11/2015 11:44

I also had an ex that did this. After we split he hounded me for over two years, all the time he was seeing his new woman, I was getting weekly bouquets, present sent, constantly ringing me "just for a chat". I made it clear I wasn't interested in the slightest and told him that the way he was behaving wasn't fair on his Girlfriend. He continued, even though they moved out of the area. It stopped eventually and I met DH,moved house and had Dc. One day on the way to taking DD to nursery, must have been over 10 years later he pulled up in his car and asked if it was me and where was I living now (yeah like I was going to tell him). Never seen him since, but Gee some people just cannot move on.

Bimblywibble · 05/11/2015 11:50

TBF they both seem keen to continue their dinners, neither is making it clear they are no longer interested so I don't think this is a stalking scenario. It's just that he sounds underinvested in you and overinvested elsewhere, OP.

coconutpie · 05/11/2015 11:57

YANBU. This isn't going to end well, sorry OP. It's completely inappropriate that he's basically going on dates with her and discussing your relationship with this woman.

JoffreyBaratheon · 05/11/2015 11:59

It could turn stalker-y though. All the positive things OP said upthread were word for word what I'd have said about my ex when I was with him (or why else be with him?) Sometimes, what looks like 'loyalty' or a slight 'unwillingness to let go' could be something else entirely. The fact ex is eeting him - well, when I ended it with this bloke because I had started to sense all was not well in the head, I tried to 'let him down gently' and we were still 'friends' for a while, and I still allowed him to visit, etc - thinking I'd slowly starve the 'friendship' of oxygen gradually become less available and more distant... Maybe she feels the same. Maybe she doesn't sense that it's odd, yet. Maybe she can handle him. Maybe she genuinely likes him and wants to keep his friendship. It's not worth risking. Chances are, it is nothing sinister. But I just wanted to point out that can be a possibility with a person who can't just draw a line under things and move on.

The dad stuff also rang bells. My ex was very controlling (in retrospect) re. family and the terms of which I met them, etc. I didn't realise at the time, but looking back, he dictated all the relationships I had, especially those with his family.

JoffreyBaratheon · 05/11/2015 12:00

*meeting! Damn my 'm'!

JoffreyBaratheon · 05/11/2015 12:02

Forgot to say: Can you imagine meeting your partner's father for the first time under the stricture you aren't allowed to mention you have a child?

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 05/11/2015 12:17

Joffrey yeah definitely - I actually think this is the thing the OP should be getting angsty about, not the ex. That is actually outrageous!

2rebecca · 05/11/2015 12:19

I'd only accept that level of contact with an ex if there were kids involved and they were meeting up for the sake of the kids or he saw his ex in a group of people. Cosy dinner dates don't fall in to those categories and if you're only seeing him every 2 weeks the relationship isn't really moving forward.
Find someone who wants a proper relationship if that's what you want.

ChipInTheSugar · 05/11/2015 12:27

I had an ex like this - can't believe I wasted 8 months on him.

He wouldn't tell his parents about us because he didn't want them to think he was over his last break up (when he felt they were unsupportive); didn't tell them we went on holiday; took the card down that I sent him (can't remember whether birthday or Valentine's). I put it in the recycling box when I found it.

Like you I could only see him once a fortnight because of childcare etc. Towards the end of the relationship he contacted ex-girlfriends who he felt he had been harsh towards, and took them out (drink or cinema) to do a post-mortem on their break-up. And expected me to be alright with it, because in his head he wasn't doing anything wrong. Twat.

MissBattleaxe · 06/11/2015 10:01

If I was the OP I would cut my losses. The man clearly has a deputy girlfriend in his ex. Personally I wouldn't put up with it. I'm not against friendship with exes, and if you have children together then of course it's a good thing.

However this is cosy dates that exclude the current relationship. It would be a No from me.

OTheHugeManatee · 06/11/2015 10:12

He sounds nice but spineless. Can't be doing with spinelessness in a partner.

GoblinLittleOwl · 06/11/2015 10:57

Two warning lights:
his relationship with his ex;
his relationship with his father;
and the fact that he tells you all this in great detail.

Absolutely right to be uncomfortable.
He is far too influenced by other people.

CuntryLiving · 06/11/2015 11:41

Bloody hell, so he dates and contacts her as often as you, or more! Nice. I agree with the two girlfriends but only shagging one. He is attached to her, so an ultimatum is pointless. Run for the hills. He might be a nice person, but he's a fucking awful boyfriend, no sane person would put up with this (or they wouldn't be sane for very long anyway).

ScrambledEggAndToast · 07/11/2015 07:22

Dump him straight away. One of three things will happen:

  1. They will get back together
  2. They are already shagging but not together (yet/ever)
  3. You will get gradually more and more pissed off that you are not being introduced to this woman and end up dumping him.
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