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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

..to be uncomfortable with how often my boyfriend sees his ex?

102 replies

markmeoutoften · 04/11/2015 20:11

I've been with my boyfriend for the last five months. Everything's going well, he's lovely, kind, trustworthy etc

The only issue is the amount he sees his ex (and is in touch with her generally). They were together for 4 years and broke up around 2 years ago. She is in a relationship and he has had relationships since and obviously is now with me.

They meet fortnightly for dinner. She took him out for a birthday meal. His exes have told him he has attachment issues (in fact he text a more recent ex, a relationship that ended abruptly and not on brilliant terms, 'happy birthday' a few weeks ago to what end?). He discusses our relationship with this ex in quite a lot of detail. She's his only female friend. I don't think he holds any kind of romantic feeling for her, but I do feel that the more serious we get, the more she's requesting to meet him at other times, Saturday nights when I can't see him, calling him about her relationship at midnight...

It's never suggested that I might meet her at some point of come to their meals out - yet I'm introduced to all of his other friends and socialise with them. He's outright mentioned that a lot of other people tell them it's weird. They don't have mutual friends so they always meet just the two of them.

Maybe I am being unreasonable? I trust him so maybe I should just accept this relationship. I've brought it up with him, he just says 'yes people say it's weird she's important to me'. Maybe I don't have any right to ask him to change things? For full disclosure the only ex I speak to is my DD's father and that's through necessity. We certainly don't have fortnightly dinners out just the two of us.

Do I need to suck it up?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 04/11/2015 20:51

YANBU. There are not many people who would put up with that sort of frequent contact with an ex. Out for meals and ringing up on a Saturday night. I'd call it a day. I don't think not telling his Dad about you is such a big deal. But this ex business is pretty strange. I'd be tempted to dredge up an ex from somewhere and start having liaisons with them and see how he likes it. He wouldn't.

Original poster
markmeoutoften · 04/11/2015 20:53

Branleuse I think you've hit the nail on the head. It does feel like dates! If they were out with mutual friends socialising it wouldn't feel so uncomfortable, it's the intimate nature of their dates that gets to me.

He said 'Oh I was out with [ex] last night and she said she wondered if I embarrass you in restaurants by ordering off menu like I do with her'. It's like she's trying to make a 'them'. Very odd.

During their relationship she did put some keylogger or screen captioning software on his computer to watch he was doing online. Seems fairly controlling. While I think that he could very much not see her, I do feel that she's the one stepping up the comms, pushing for more contact. He's not even slightly secretive with his phone, there's no passcode on it and he happily leaves it lying around so I don't think there's anything in terms of messages that would be bothersome. He's certainly not trying to hide any of the meetings.

Realise that I sound like someone trying to convince themselves that all is right.

OP posts:
Original poster
markmeoutoften · 04/11/2015 20:58

AnyFucker yes I see I'm defending him. It's hard to accept and I admitted myself above that I can hear myself trying to convince myself it's not what it looks like. but better I see it now than later down the line I suppose!

I guess the only question is whether I bother giving him an ultimatum or not and give him the chance to stop meeting with her or just cut losses?

OP posts:
reni2 · 04/11/2015 20:58

Bloody hell, run! Are all these exes one happy family? Why haven't you met dining ex, if it's innocent surely you can? How does he propose to tell his dad slowly, my gf has some past, well, a cat, no it's actually a DSD, oh well, she's a mum to a dd? Ditch.

pinotblush · 04/11/2015 21:04

OP, none of that matters, its all a smoke screen.

He's hankering after his ex.

No ultimatum needed.

If you have to wonder about a new man then the deal is off.

Dump him.

SaucyJack · 04/11/2015 21:06

They split up two years ago and they have no children together. If he wanted to stop contact, then he would have by now. Even if she is the one pulling the strings, he's the one going along with it and that's because he gets something on some level out of being her gopher.

I wouldn't necessarily dump him or start dishing out ultimatums straight off tho. He won't be the first person who has a weirdo unfinished business thing going on with their ex, and he won't be the last.

Just talk to him grown-up to grown-up about that it's not behaviour that you feel you can live with in a LTR. See what he does about it. He may well jump at the chance to put an end to it if she was less than pleasant to him. Or he may not.......

Marynary · 04/11/2015 21:06

Run to the hills. If you were important to him he wouldn't meet up with his ex for private dinners and he would introduce her to you. He certainly wouldn't rub his "friendship" with her in your face and tell you that his father wishes they had stayed together. He is trying to make you jealous of her and visa versa. Very immature.

ChocolateFuzz · 04/11/2015 21:07

I think everyone is being too harsh. If they weren't exs then you'd (hopefully) have no problem with it. Also i understand how he feels about telling his dad you can't just spring that on somebody especialy not when there are cultural differences but if you do decide to leave him just do it don't give him an ultimatum that's a terrible thing to do to a person

AnyFucker · 04/11/2015 21:08

If I knew you in RL I would feel very sorry for you, and that you were rather a mug

Is that how you want to be perceived?. Because believe me, as "lovely" as your boyfriend is, he is making that happen

and all in plain sight

having his phone available means only he thinks you will feel less able to call him out on it

well, fuck that

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/11/2015 21:13

They split up two years ago, but have fortnightly dinner dates, when they discuss you? Um, I think his primary relationship is still with her. Sorry.

It really doesn't matter that "he's lovely, kind, trustworthy etc" because he's also socially clueless (doesn't see his behaviour as strange and hurtful), weak (can't face telling his father the truth), indiscreet (how dare he discuss your relationship with his EX), and as multiple exes have told him 'has attachment issues'.

And even if you dump him, he'll still text you 'happy birthday'. Confused

I would step away from this relationship.

Milanisabadman · 04/11/2015 21:16

YANBU and this is neither normal nor acceptable behaviour. If it were me, I'd be hot-footing it the hell out of there. Good luck.

Abidewithme3 · 04/11/2015 21:23

You know it's odd that's why you
Posted.

Run.

ZenNudist · 04/11/2015 21:24

SaucyJack makes a good suggestion if you're insisting in narking time with this guy, but the writings on the wall.

Surely we've all known people who have a shitty relationship with problems from the outset that just limp on and on until eventually they cite the length of their relationship as a reason for staying together! Don't do that. He's not a nice guy. He sounds catastrophically insensitive at best and hung up on / waiting for his ex and manipulative at worst.

Crabbitface · 04/11/2015 21:31

Yeah I have to agree with most pps. You say that he's a good guy but broken down into black and white -

He goes on dates with another woman.

He tells you about it and about the fact that he discusses your relationship with her.

These are not kind things to do. At best they are thoughtless and arrogant and at worst they are manipulative- designed to make you feel insecure.

You could give an ultimatum but even if he 'chooses' you it will only be because you MADE him and he may come to present you for it.

I know how hard it is to give up on something you have invested in but I think you should think hard about your future with him. Good luck.

Crabbitface · 04/11/2015 21:33

Resent ... not present. Obvs.

JimineyJelickers · 04/11/2015 21:35

Are you dating my ex?! He also had a weirdly close relationship with his previous gf. He claimed they were just friends (but he'd never told her about me because "that would be weird"), she rang and text him at midnight both the day before his birthday and the day of, to be the first and last to speak to him. He was on holiday with me at the time and left me sitting there like a spoon while he chatted to her. I wish I'd dumped him then. He did cut contact with her in the end but I'd mostly lost all respect for him by then.

Run now OP! Even if he does ditch her it'll be because you forced him to, not because he's a well rounded person who knows that level of contact is weird .

Fabellini · 04/11/2015 21:38

I wouldn't be happy with this situation, and something that I'm curious about.....if they were in a long term relationship is it not a little odd that they have no mutual friends? Nobody that they could socialise with in a group...at all?

MrsBalustradeLanyard · 04/11/2015 21:41

I stayed close friends with my ex through various other relationships.

He is now my husband.

He's not over her.

MissMoo22 · 04/11/2015 21:41

OP a friend of mine was in this situation a while back. The man she was seeing for 18 months was too close to his ex. Texts, calls, meet ups at all hours of the day and he even babysat the exes kids while he was on dates with my friend (invite her over for a 'netflix and chill' kind of evening then halfway through get a text and say oh exes DD is coming round for a few hours!). She gave him a choice, her or the ex. He chose the ex.

Justaboy · 04/11/2015 21:41

If that was a girl treating me like that. Well she wouldn't have gotten the chance.

See him for what he is will you if he was as "wonderful" as you paint him to be he wouldn't be still hanging around his old girlfriend. (hoping he could get back with her)

Either.

She goes. Or you go. its that simple, unless you like being treated in the way you are?.

I know it sounds harsh but Please have some self respect!.

MillionToOneChances · 04/11/2015 21:44

Just as an alternative perspective, I know lots of people who have continued perfectly lovely platonic friendships after their relationship has ended. If they don't have mutual friends, meeting one to one isn't so bizarre. Talking to friends about your relationship isn't odd in itself. He's not necessarily as unreasonable as others seem to have decided.

eastwest · 04/11/2015 21:45

YANBU. I'm sorry but I agree with everyone here. I could have written this post 15 years ago. My bf mentioned his ex's name at every opportunity (like, if an advert came on, or a pop song with her name in it, he'd perk up and go, 'Ooh, X's name!'). Took me to her birthday party, disappeared, I found them sitting on the steps looking through old photo albums of when they were together. I still stuck around, telling myself I was being silly/ over-sensitive, getting more and more depressed and my self esteem getting lower and lower. Wish I'd had Mumsnet then! Instead just had my own mum to ask, who told me I was being over-demanding, over-sensitive and irrational. Split up with him finally but wasted so much time. Dump him and run. You deserve better.

eastwest · 04/11/2015 21:45

The question is: do you feel comfortable with it? If not, that's all you need to know. Don't stay in a relationship where you are unhappy.

shinynewusername · 04/11/2015 21:49

My DH is friends with his ex. They have dinner occasionally.....with me and her Bf. Occasional contact with your ex is one thing, going on dates together is not.

Their relationship is not over (regardless of whether it is currently sexual). You are just a diversion on the route to them getting back together - sorry. It's much better to cut your losses now.

PennyPants · 04/11/2015 22:07

Yanbu. I believe it's called having your cake and eating it. He may be lovely when he's with you but he's not willing to give her up, is he?
Saturday nights and you're not invited?! Move on.

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