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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - spending Christmas alone

368 replies

chrome100 · 04/11/2015 11:45

My sister has told me I am "not allowed" to come for Christmas.

Bit of background, she has just had a baby (in September) with my BIL and they have moved house, so she's had a lot on her plate. I get that. Our parents will be abroad and she's told me she doesn't want me coming to theirs as she wants it to be just her, her husband and the baby for my nephew's first Christmas.

I've offered to host them at my place (I now live 20 mins from them), or to just come round to theirs for a few hours. I've also offered to do the cooking for them (which is a big deal for me as I am a terrible cook but I am prepared to give it a go) but no - that is not good enough.

I have no partner or children so suppose I will be spending it alone. I am not a huge Christmas fan and it doesn't really matter, but I was looking forward to spending a nice day with my sister, BIL and baby nephew (the first baby in our family for over 30 years).

AIBU to feel upset? Aren't I family too?

OP posts:
cleaty · 05/11/2015 12:56

Sad that so many here don't think someone should consider at all their own sister who they get on well with.

ilovesooty · 05/11/2015 13:09

Once my sister was married she told my parents that her husband and any children she might have were her family now. As I said my dad died three months later and she has never had Christmas lunch with my mum, and my mother's place or hers. That duty as she saw it was mine.
Oh, and someone upthread mentioned a two week break. I'm only getting four days off and I would have thought that was not uncommon.

Zucker · 05/11/2015 13:11

Being a sister goes both ways. It's just not nice cutting you off like this. Enjoy your Christmas break OP and maybe be much less available with your furniture moving service you've been providing your sisters family.

ApplePaltrow · 05/11/2015 13:11

OP seems like an annoying martyr so can understand why the sister is distancing. She has dripfed all over this thread to make her sister look evil but that's ok. I'm guessing the sister will be cooling off the relationship as well.

Drip feeding

  1. Original post said no family, turns out there are parents and grandparents
  2. The OP originally intended to spend christmas alone and only just changed her mind.
  3. OP can go to France with parents but doesn't want to because she has just gone. She doesn't have enough leave for a long holiday (her words) but there is no indication she doesn't have enough leave or money to go for the 2 or so for christmas day and boxing day (which are national bank holidays anyway). Christmas is a Friday so Sat/Sun don't require leave.
  4. She states that she offered to cook but then admits later she is not much of a cook, so that's a hollow offer.
  5. She admits later that she goes round to her sisters all the time and her sister hosts her a lot.

In other words, the sister is not leaving "her alone". She never was.

I dislike OP because she sounds passive and passive-aggressive. But it sounds like her sister or at least her sister's DH will be putting a stop to her encroaching ways so my guess is she'll end up really alone soon enough.

DingleberryDip · 05/11/2015 13:15

Oohhhhh an underlined title and a list.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

ExitPursuedByABear · 05/11/2015 13:16

Well ApplePaltrow you sound delightful.

DingleberryDip · 05/11/2015 13:17

’I dislike OP because she sounds passive and passive-aggressive.’

You ‘dislike’ the OP? Seriously?

Can’t you see what an idiot this make you seem?

I’m happy to say you come across as an idiot at this present moment but I’ll hold fire on saying I dislike you based on this one thread.

ilovesooty · 05/11/2015 13:18

Apple I feel rather tempted to tell you how you sound but I suspect I'd quite rightly be deleted if I do.

diddl · 05/11/2015 13:19

Back to the OP, where Op puts that she isn't a fan of Christmas & it doesn't matter.

So what's the pointof this?

To see how many folks will lay into the sister??

maybebabybee · 05/11/2015 13:19

apple my my, someone's projecting, aren't they?

Imogentlasting · 05/11/2015 13:23

Apple you're being very silly.

GnomeDePlume · 05/11/2015 13:24

DingleberryDip that thought does not fill me with horror. However I do accept that I am quite a solitary person.

lorelei9 · 05/11/2015 13:25

Apple "Original post said no family, turns out there are parents and grandparents"

no, the original post mentioned the parents!

Shutthatdoor · 05/11/2015 13:28

boxing day (which are national bank holidays anyway). Christmas is a Friday so Sat/Sun don't require leave.

Errrrr Apple Just to correct you, for some they would have to take leave to have those days off! not everyone works 9-5 Monday to Friday

Funinthesun15 · 05/11/2015 13:31

Original post said no family, turns out there are parents and grandparents

I suggest Apple before you start throwing around words like passive aggressive you should actually read the OPs posts yourself.

If you had you would see that it does actually state that there are parents!

Plus you have wrongly stated that those days don't require leave when actually for some they do.

Vintagegramaphone · 05/11/2015 13:37

The main thing is that the OP, for whatever reasons, does not want to travel to France over Christmas and has asked her sister, who lives near her, if she can have Christmas dinner with her and her husband. A perfectly reasonable request that has received a perfectly unreasonable answer.

The OP shouldn't have to 'prove' that there's a 'valid' reason why she doesn't wish to go to France. Most normal siblings would be happy to accommodate her.

ZenNudist · 05/11/2015 13:38

Your sister is a cow, but hopefully she will get a grip when not clouded by new baby. I suppose it's not worth distancing yourself from her over one act of selfishness.

Still for revenge purposes I'd be asking them to arrange the removal of their things, tell her you're having a clear out in advance of the new year. Offerto British heart foundation anything they don't organise to collect.

Also, no presents for them this year. Selfishness works 2 ways.

Do you not have any friends who'd have you. You don't have to invite yourself. If you were my friend id invite you if I found out you were alone. I wouldn't see someone alone at Christmas, unless they want to be.,.

magimedi · 05/11/2015 13:42

I am an aetheist but to me Christmas is about giving & sharing & including?

Not about what you want but about being generous with your time & yourself towards others.

Yes, it's a pain at times, but it's only one day a year.

ShamelessBreadAddict · 05/11/2015 13:54

hopefully she will get a grip when not clouded by new baby

I firmly believe this^^ and that this is some sort of over protective instinct talking and not the OP's sister's normal self. I can't imagine any other reason why a sister would say her sibling, who she gets on well with normally, isn't allowed to come over for Xmas dinner. V strange indeed. I know siblings who hate each other and still stupidly spend Xmas together so it just seems v strange that sisters who like each other wouldn't see each other all day when they live near to each other. That's not even taking into account the lack of other family available for the OP to spend some of the day with.

GrouchyKiwi · 05/11/2015 13:59

OP: YANBU to be upset at your sister not including you. I can't understand leaving a sister alone on Christmas Day, even if the baby is tiring.

I hope you're no longer feeling upset, though, and are looking forward to the plans you have made. Hope you have a lovely Christmas anyway. Flowers

Millionprammiles · 05/11/2015 14:35

OP: in the first 6 months after having dd I was so utterly unhappy and exhausted I couldn't face seeing anyone. Its the only time I'd declined to see my lovely in-laws at Xmas. It might be that your sister is struggling and doesn't want anyone else to see that?

Or alternatively she may be selfishly wrapped up in her own little family unit in which case feel free to steadfastedly refuse to babysit in the future, let her know how much you're enjoying lie-ins/nights out/holidays/reading books in peace etc whilst she's knee deep in nappies and hasn't slept for 4 months. Support goes both ways, if she's not giving it, don't offer it.

bluebolt · 05/11/2015 14:45

Hate this term nuclear family, anyone who has been through divorce or worse still loss of a partner know the importance of close family or close friends. I think this Christmas will be tainted for the op's sister when the day comes. I have a disabled son who will never have his own "nuclear family" I hope his sibling do not cast his feeling aside and stop considering him as "family" and just "extended family".

voluptuagoodshag · 05/11/2015 15:05

The Op refers to 'my nephew' and 'first baby in the family for 30 years'

Sorry perhaps I'm reading more into it than I should but that doesn't make him a trophy for all to be enjoyed. Maybe I'm sticking my neck out even further to suggest that your sister has other priorities now and the OP is further down the list and she's miffed at that.

IMO you never invite or suggest an invite anywhere, you wait to be invited. Like someone else said upthread, we are only hearing one side of the story so the sis may have very valid reasons for keeping it small. Perhaps she's feeling smothered a bit.

Still want to know if your dog sitting was offered or asked for.

DingleberryDip · 05/11/2015 15:06

Yes you seem oddly fixated on that.

DingleberryDip · 05/11/2015 15:08

Seeing as the OP hasn't posted on the thread since yesterday afternoon your dog sitting obsession may have to be shelved.