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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - spending Christmas alone

368 replies

chrome100 · 04/11/2015 11:45

My sister has told me I am "not allowed" to come for Christmas.

Bit of background, she has just had a baby (in September) with my BIL and they have moved house, so she's had a lot on her plate. I get that. Our parents will be abroad and she's told me she doesn't want me coming to theirs as she wants it to be just her, her husband and the baby for my nephew's first Christmas.

I've offered to host them at my place (I now live 20 mins from them), or to just come round to theirs for a few hours. I've also offered to do the cooking for them (which is a big deal for me as I am a terrible cook but I am prepared to give it a go) but no - that is not good enough.

I have no partner or children so suppose I will be spending it alone. I am not a huge Christmas fan and it doesn't really matter, but I was looking forward to spending a nice day with my sister, BIL and baby nephew (the first baby in our family for over 30 years).

AIBU to feel upset? Aren't I family too?

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 05/11/2015 10:15

Rookie "OP could spend Christmas with friends - but chooses not to"

I thought her friends were all doing family stuff. That's a problem I'd have as well. In fact, I'd love to host a friends' Xmas but they all looked at me like I had 2 heads when I suggested it. a lot of them don't actually enjoy their family Xmas but feel they have to do it.

rookiemere · 05/11/2015 10:20

I thought she hadn't asked lorelei9 - must admit haven't scanned thread thoroughly.

I get that it's a pain being single at Christmas. I was in that situation myself from my late 20s to early 30s, but OP originally thought that Dsis was going to be away, so would have had to come up with plans for the day anyhow.

We're away this year, but if I had a friend who was going to be on their own at Christmas when it's our turn to host, I'd gladly ask them along would be nice to have someone who might actually help out a bit.

cleaty · 05/11/2015 10:28

Op clearly said all her friends are at family for Christmas. So no, that isn't an option. Totally different if it was.

rookiemere · 05/11/2015 10:38

Apologies then I've clearly not read thoroughly enough.

The point I was trying to make, albeit cackhandedly, is that OP has choices.

If the thread was reversed and Dsis was saying how much she wanted OP there, but OP had decided to do something else, then I imagine that she'd be being told that OP could do what she wanted on Christmas Day. Or if Dsis was single rather than in a family unit again I don't think there'd be the same expectation that OP would be invited.

Somehow it seems that if you are part of a family unit you automatically have an obligation to invite any non family units to Christmas Day, regardless of your own families wants or preferences, and not doing so makes you a horrible person. Whereas the single person gets complete carte blanche about what they do. Seems a little unbalanced to me.

lorelei9 · 05/11/2015 10:41

Rookie "I get that it's a pain being single at Christmas."

I'm surprised how many people have mentioned this. I'm single. I don't see what it's got to do with the case here. My feeling is the point is that the OP has been told she's not close enough to spend Xmas Day with her sister, which seems to be something of a shock to the OP as they are otherwise quite close.

I know the OP originally thought the sis was away, but surely the point is that sis is now not away and could easily spend a couple of hours with OP if she wanted to, but doesn't want to. It's the rejection that is hurtful.

squoosh · 05/11/2015 10:43

Somehow it seems that if you are part of a family unit you automatically have an obligation to invite any non family units to Christmas Day

You don't consider a sister to be part of a family unit?

Weird.

rookiemere · 05/11/2015 10:47

Sorry phrased that badly squoosh - i was trying to say that the OP doesn't have her own family unit i.e. DP/DH etc

squoosh · 05/11/2015 10:52

I suppose it all depends on your wider family dynamic. I just can't even begin to imagine saying no to one of my brothers if they asked to spend a few hours with my family on Christmas Day. Especially if I knew he'd be all alone otherwise! My siblings will always be part of my immediate family unit.

cleaty · 05/11/2015 10:52

I think the point is if you love someone and care about them, most people would not refuse to spend any time with them on Christmas Day. The only choices the OP has all mean that she will be alone.

DeepBlueLake · 05/11/2015 10:55

I never get this 'family unit only' thing at Christmas. When I was growing up, everyone had Christmas with extended family - it was just whoever is around for Christmas was welcome at whoever was wanting host or combine forces with one another. There was no expectation of having to do it year on year, some years you had it together, some you didn't. I had Christmases with various uncles, grandparents etc.

This year we're hosting with a newborn and toddler, BIL, SIL and their two kids will be staying at ours + my mum, along with other SiL and PIL coming over. My mum has been widowed for almost 20 years and I am in only, we always make sure she's has someone to spend Christmas with as she lives in New Zealand but we're in London, if we're having it in the UK, we always say she's welcome if she can't go to her brothers or friends etc.

As for Glasgow, the OP wasn't sure what she was going to do as it was months ago and she would not be expecting to have Christmas with them, but now the sister is around, surely there was no harm in asking. The sister is being very unreasonable, if she doesn't even want her own sister who will be on her own to pop round for a couple of hours.

I couldn't even leave my twat of a cousin on his now on Christmas day.

lorelei9 · 05/11/2015 10:55

rookie "Sorry phrased that badly squoosh - i was trying to say that the OP doesn't have her own family unit i.e. DP/DH etc"

gosh, does a sister not count as part of "own" family unit? Again, assuming that there's a closeness between those sisters - not advocating anyone spend Xmas with someone they don't like.

KatieLatie · 05/11/2015 11:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

cleaty · 05/11/2015 11:03

No OP does not have friends to spend it with, as they are all going to their own families for the day.
Would mums on here really be happy if their DCs left them alone on Christmas Day because they wanted to spend the day just with "their family"?

coffeetasteslikeshit · 05/11/2015 11:08

Haven't read the full thread (shoot me). Just wanted to say that your sister sounds selfish. Let's hope it's just a blip and she'll catch on to herself before next Christmas.

space0bongo · 05/11/2015 11:10

OP got a lucky escape. Hosting family with a new baby isn't easy. I hosted my sister for my niece's 1st Christmas and had to deal with:

  1. Poo and pee on white carpets.
  2. My sister knocking on the bedroom door at 6am and leaving the baby outside so I had to take care of her.
  3. BIL leaving dirty nappies everywhere including behind sofas because he was too fucking lazy to throw them away.
  4. Sis thinking it was okay to borrow everything from my closet.
  5. Watching TV on the lowest setting so it didnt upset the baby upstairs who was often knocked out on Calpol and probably wouldn't notice the noise anyway.
  6. My sister drinking all of my booze. Seriously. She had a bottle of gin and three bottles of wine in a week!!
Imogentlasting · 05/11/2015 11:11

I dunno, all those people drinking champagne in bed on Christmas morning, or 'snuggling up on the couch with the dcs to watch a film' and thinking their Christmas day is so lovely and special while, hovering in the background, is a lonely sibling or upset parents who have been denied the opportunity to spend Christmas day as part of a family group. Sad

squoosh · 05/11/2015 11:11

My sister knocking on the bedroom door at 6am and leaving the baby outside so I had to take care of her

I'm Shock and Grin at her cheek!

BIL leaving dirty nappies everywhere including behind sofas because he was too fucking lazy to throw them away.

I'm just Shock and Envy at that. What savage does that?

voluptuagoodshag · 05/11/2015 12:11

Flinging in another point of view from the sister - but perhaps she looks at your single life and thinks wow she has a great time. You've said that you've recently been in France, you have a wide social circle of friends, you pretty much get to please yourself. She, on the other hand, has responsibilities that mean she cannot just up and go please herself. Cut her some slack.

To actually say to her that you are not happy about it only makes it worse. You could have said OK then perhaps I could pop round on another day but only when it suits you, then she wouldn't have to feel guilty about not inviting you. I'm sorry that you are unhappy about having Xmas on your own but let people live their life and make their own decisions.

I'm still curious if she asked you for all the help you gave or if you offered.

PeasinPod1 · 05/11/2015 12:34

OP- my 2 pence worth- come Christmas day with no other guests/visitors and just DH and baby it will seem like a non event and a big anti climax . Surely more the merrier on Christmas day, as many people as possible to enjoy it with, add to the festive ambience etc.

Please don't mention it again, and back of contact up untill Christmas now but happily mention your new plans if asked and how you are looking forwards to it.

Come Christmas day & sat round her near empty table with a crying baby and just DH, I bet you she will think of you and regret it.

GnomeDePlume · 05/11/2015 12:44

I grew up in a nuclear family with aunts, uncles, GPs seldom seen. Christmas was just DParents, DBros and me.

DH grew up in an extended family with friends, aunts, uncles, GPs around a lot and especially at Christmas.

Both DH and I are very happy to now celebrate Christmas just with us and DCs. At some point sooner rather than later the DCs may want to do their own thing for Christmas. When that happens I am sure that DH and I will be perfectly happy doing our own thing.

Surely more the merrier on Christmas day, as many people as possible to enjoy it with, add to the festive ambience etc.

Hell's teeth, no. In the past we have had to do a couple of duty visits to see extended family and both come back exhausted by all that festive merry making. Too many people, too little space. Give me a nuclear family Christmas any day!

Shutthatdoor · 05/11/2015 12:46

I am sure that DH and I will be perfectly happy doing our own thing.

That's great, however there are two of you. Would you feel the same if you were on your own?

DingleberryDip · 05/11/2015 12:46

At some point sooner rather than later the DCs may want to do their own thing for Christmas. When that happens I am sure that DH and I will be perfectly happy doing our own thing.

What about when either you or your husband dies? Will you be happy for your kids to say 'sorry Mum, it's just immediate family this year'?

Bubblesinthesummer · 05/11/2015 12:49

Both DH and I are very happy to now celebrate Christmas just with us and DCs.

I'm sure that the OPs sister is very happy to do the same.

It doesn't stop those that are part of the family feeling upset at being left on their own.

lorelei9 · 05/11/2015 12:49

voluptu " perhaps she looks at your single life and thinks wow she has a great time. You've said that you've recently been in France, you have a wide social circle of friends, you pretty much get to please yourself. She, on the other hand, has responsibilities that mean she cannot just up and go please herself. Cut her some slack. "

but we make those choices...? The OP sis didn't get allocated a husband and child by a 1984 style government....!

Imogentlasting · 05/11/2015 12:53

voluptu

All the sister is being asked is to invite her sibling around for a few hours on Christmas day so she won't be all alone. Your post really underlines, for me, much of the thinking that lies behind some of the hurtful decisions being made around Christmas invitations (or lack thereof).