AIBU - spending Christmas alone

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My sister has told me I am "not allowed" to come for Christmas.

Bit of background, she has just had a baby (in September) with my BIL and they have moved house, so she's had a lot on her plate. I get that. Our parents will be abroad and she's told me she doesn't want me coming to theirs as she wants it to be just her, her husband and the baby for my nephew's first Christmas.

I've offered to host them at my place (I now live 20 mins from them), or to just come round to theirs for a few hours. I've also offered to do the cooking for them (which is a big deal for me as I am a terrible cook but I am prepared to give it a go) but no - that is not good enough.

I have no partner or children so suppose I will be spending it alone. I am not a huge Christmas fan and it doesn't really matter, but I was looking forward to spending a nice day with my sister, BIL and baby nephew (the first baby in our family for over 30 years).

AIBU to feel upset? Aren't I family too?

I don't like to say it this way but right now cant think of better phrasing, I am pleased that my family are not the only ones with these big issues of who is spending Christmas with whom!
I am now an old single family member. I have often invited a certain branch of the family for Christmas as have others. This branch never go to our side. They constantly go to the other partners (not our family member) parents. That would seem a bit selfish and inconsiderate at best. The fact that there have been several other partners and their parents/family involved, the question as I see, is does the person related to us really not want to spend time with any of us or is this person being bullied by all the partners into complying with their wishes. If the latter why does our person never say my family are being visited this year or report the abuse.
I am considering a Christmas on my own because that would be of my choosing and not by being ignored. It would also mean that the persons who do keep family contact would not be inviting all the family singletons (single by death, divorce etc). I have people missing as a result of death and that is hard enough but to have a living person who year after year ignores all is a bit too much for my currently over emotional distressed state.

My FIL is a widower. My BIL is gay, but doesn't really do relationships. I have hosted them for the last 20 years while four new babies have, in turn, made their presence felt.

BIL is lovely, FIL a bit less so. Nevertheless, we have 364 days of the year to be a little nuclear family. On Christmas Day we embrace the wider concept of family, including the occasional extra non family guest, and set a good example to our kids.

My DD was a September baby and although I put on a pretty good front I was still really struggling by the Christmas - the thought of having 'an audience' for the whole day would have absolutely floored me, however...

...we did invite both sides of the family to pop over late afternoon and did a buffet tea.

It seems as shame as you appear to have a good and supportive relationship that your DSis can't be a bit more flexible, but I'm not sure she deserves the roasting she's getting by some PPs.

Hope you enjoy your break.

TheBouquets, I don't mean this at all nastily - and I'm very sorry for your losses - but your post encapsulates exactly why some people pull up the drawbridge and stay 'immediate nuclear family only' at Christmas. All the registering of how someone always invites x, but X never comes, but always goes to their partner's family, hence is 'selfish and inconsiderate' or possibly 'being abused' by a succession of different partners into favouring their ILs at Christmas.

I'm assuming there is a massive backstory here as well as the fact that Christmas is hard for you because you're bereaved, but I honestly couldnt get that excercised about a sibling (or adult child or whoever) who always chose to avoid family Christmases. They're not supposed to be compulsory!

But my point was that this kind of tension is why some people find it more relaxing to simply have a blanket 'no travel, no guests, immediate family' policy.

Seeing that you've had a good relationship with your sister in the past I think this is bloody mean of her. Why are people so bloody precious these days?

But my point was that this kind of tension is why some people find it more relaxing to simply have a blanket 'no travel, no guests, immediate family' policy.

That is fine as long as you are willing to be on the future one of those people that are left on your own.

From the OP it seems that it seems to be all take and no give on the behalf of her sister.

If I was the OP I would be doing less of the giving in future.

I don't know if she is being unreasonable or not

I understand wanting to spend Christmas with her family, but 'baby's first christmas' really isn't all that and she will probably regret not inviting you just because of that as the whole 'Oh baby's first christmas' crap lasts about... 6 minutes? Then it's like, 'Oh it's just another Christmas day'

Baby's don't care about Christmas, presents, who the fuck is there or not. All they want to do is play with wrapping paper and pull the decorations down that you took ages to precariously place!

When it was my son's 1st christmas, I didn't change any plans just because I had a bloody baby that year. I spent it like I always do, with my mum, sisters, dp and nieces and nephews.

I just can't believe she knows you're on your own and not bothered by it just for the sake of wanting to be alone for baby's first christmas which, in the end, means absolutely nothing, to be honest.

It sounds like she has a family now and doesn't care. I think she's being too sentimental.

Bloody hell, I've often had random neighbours at ours for Christmas rather than let them spend it alone! How miserable of her.

But really, it's all a fuss about nothing.

OP says that Christmas isn't that important to her & originally was to be alone anyway.

Now her sister's plans have changed & OP would have liked to see her& her nephew.

That hasn't worked out so OP is just back to square one.

Hopefully OP will have many chances to spend days with her sister & nephew in the future.

My mother was widowed in 1989 and from then on I ensured that I travelled at Christmas to be with her. My sister married the same year and occasionally invited us for Christmas tea but that was moved to Christmas eve night for a couple of hours very quickly.
In 2010 mum went into a home. I was pretty sure that as a single person I wouldn't be invited to my sister for Christmas. When I mentioned that I was thinking of going away she said "You might as well. It's not as if you've got anywhere else to go". That year I bought presents as usual and gave them beforehand only to be told "We didn't get you anything because you won't be here"
I'm going to Amsterdam as I did last year and I hope the OP has as good a time as I plan to.

What's it like in Amsterdam at Christmas, sooty? It's the sort of thing I'd like to do.

Btw I hope you don't get your miserable sister and her family Christmas presents nowadays.

Mild Virago - I am not really sure how to take your post. I think I cant have been clear enough. I have not been bereaved/divorced every year for over 15 years. I did not say whether I was a divorced person or a widowed person. We have a few of both in the family.
I have no idea if "X" choses to go elsewhere or is expected/demanded at other places. Abuse by a partner towards "X" et al came to light previously and appears to have had an effect on me as it previously would not have been a thought.
Selfish and inconsiderate were maybe not the best words to use but even so I don't know if those or other similar words apply to "X" or who ever else. My view would be to at least have variation and not always going to the same places years after year till there is a change of partner.

The difference here is that the OP is not invited to her Dsis. Someone put on a suggested post from the Dsis being the "other side". What I wrote is a real "other side" from my experiences. Invitations being made and totally ignored. Arrangements are being discussed for Christmas and I want to invite "X" but others have said why bother, they wont come, after all this time we are not used to "X" being with us. I still hope that maybe one day.....
There are immediate family to "X" on this side too. "X" is a child, parent and sibling and other relationships to people other than those living in their house and maybe it would be better if it was only those in their house but that is not the case.
I am the one who keeps inviting with hope others are saying don't put myself to the stress. It can see the tension easily on this side and now we also have the anti "X" relatives which I don't like. If the others don't want to invite surely I should still be entitled to want to make the invitation even if it is ignored.
Am I being unreasonable/stupid to keep issuing invites?
I think this is about opposite to the OP experience this year.

Imperial no we don't exchange Christmas presents now. Amsterdam is great at Christmas. Loads going on and plenty of places open as well as public transport running. I can get a very nice Christmas dinner for €22 for three courses too. I'm flying out on Christmas day itself so that I don't need to use any annual leave.

Apologies, TheBouquets, I assumed from your reference to a 'current over-emotional distressed state' that you were facing your first Christmas after a bereavement.

Of course you are entitled to invite your relative to your house for Christmas, as you're the host, and I think it's nice you're doing so, but I'm still a bit mystified by quite how upset you are - if I'm understanding this correctly - by a family member who has never accepted your Christmas invitations, but has always gone to the family of a succession of partners instead. Do you not see this family member at all during the rest of the year?

It sounds like a load of fuss over nothing. The sister was never meant to be spending Christmas with the OP, who herself has said that she doesn't like Christmas. She has got options, just not the one she assumed she would get on finding out that her sister isn't going to Glasgow.

Christmas is a faff. I'm now the woman in my family who has to do all the running around to please people. I could not do it, but then I'd get moaned at for not making an effort or being any of the horrible things the OP's sister has been called. I could write a massive paragraph on what the day will no doubt involve, but suffice to say: a holiday it ain't. It's lovely seeing the children enjoying themselves, but my rest isn't until they go to bed (same as every other day of the year).

People just fall for the sentimentality of it all.

OP, just want to say I feel for you. I hope you find something fun to do on the day.

PS sorry if I missed it but did your sister use the words "not allowed"? I'm another one who will be interested to know about her expectations for nephew gift.

I'd have been tempted to suggest she do Xmas day for the baby on a different day, it's not like he will know the difference!

Well I seem to cook enough food to feed the 5000 so you would be welcome here . I live on the outskirts of East Yorks so probably not that far from you!

I totally get that you feel hurt by your sister's decision. I don't think she's being mean or selfish although I am surprised she couldn't/wouldn't accommodate you for a portion of the day...

When DH and I got married I made it clear to both his parents and my mum that we wouldn't get caught in the alternating parents trap as sometimes we might want to stay put and be on our own BUT not at the expense of any of them being left alone! Fortunately, we both come from families of 4 children so it was never an issue. Sometimes PIL have chosen to be on their own either at home or away.

However, I was really shocked that the first year of our separation DH was left on his own by his family. He came to mine first thing in the morning to watch DC open their stockings and exchange gifts from us to them but then went home alone. I did feel bad for him but there was a reason we were separated and I couldn't invite him to stay as it would have sent out all the wrong messages to him and DC alike. When he had the kids I spent the day with my mum and siblings because we're a sad bunch of singletons!

My sister now volunteers for a 'meals on wheels' type of charity and goes round delivering Christmas lunches then she comes to us to join in with pudding and presents.

Mild Virago - No apology needed I didn't make my post clear enough. This is not my first Christmas without certain decceased people. I do think though that events where family would likely gather together are emotional especially for people like me who take things too deep into my heart. Christmas being discussed and the part of the conversation about "X" when others said don't bother asking them upset me as if they are just getting rid of "X". Airbrushing them as if they never existed.
I want to invite "X" because I really do want them to accept. It is not a duty invite. This is a person I have stood by through thick and thin. I have wanted to help through certain difficulties but then I got a load of cheek and attitude from "X" OH. I had invited as usual even knowing that I would have to endure the OH. I got no response. "X" is related to me and I feel there is definitely unfairness if not abuse going on. "X" did not get the promised financial help with something because of the OH. "X" works long hours OH does not but spends like a millionaire "X" is in debt yet again but does not shop or spend.
I saw "X" up to just after last Christmas. There was something happened I asked "X" to sort it. I cant discuss because it is too identifiable. I got some nasty msg from people I did not even know. I said I was unhappy that not only did "X" not come there was no indication of acceptance or otherwise. "X" does not seem to see anything untoward.

The others are against "X" mostly because of the OH. Everyone dislikes that person because the OH is such a PITA. I am not happy with the folk who say don't invite "X" because if I do invite "X" and they were to arrive the OH would be there too and that would lead to all sorts.
This is why Christmas might be best on my own because on top of all that I have issues with food and may not even eat anyway. Food is a major stress subject with me.

She sounds like a thoughtless cow to me (haven't read ft) I would be horrified if one of my Dcs did this to the other .

Well, don't be available for any more dog sitting or furniture moving -

I can't believe they won't have you over for lunch. Very Babyzilla of them.

As someone who grew up in a nuclear family (extended family of GPs, aunts and uncles were seldom seen) I really dont get what the fuss is about. It is one day. At the moment we celebrate with the DCs but I fully expect that at some point they will want to do their own thing and that will be fine.

Unless she ran off with the OP's partner (which would be a whole different thread) it isnt the Dsis' fault that the OP is going to be alone this Christmas.

Gosh some of you have sad, wizened little souls don't you? Yeah fuck my only sibling, it's not my fault she's not got a man, like a real woman would, she can spend it on her own...no one I now in real life would let this happen. Thanks Christ.

I don't get the unpleasantness towards the sister.

The OP was expecting to be on her own having decided not to go to France with her parents. So she obviously has no problem with spending Christmas on her own.

The sister has said nothing about "precious first Christmas" that is entirely people on here.

More likely she is tired and us just looking forward to a few days,with her dh at home, where she can relax get up when they want, eat what and when they want and generally not do a lot.

It's all very well saying "oh they can fo that and just ave her sister too" but really. How many people would truly feel fine letting dsis in at 11am and returning to bed, then eating boiled eggs at 3pm, and going back to bed at 6pm saying let yourself out, when the sister has come round for Christmas day. I wouldn't and I have an excellent relationship with my sister.

Op, by her own admission, isn't much of a cook so it's a reasonable guess that the,sister/her dh will be doing the cooking. They'll also be doing the shopping, the getting the house ready etc.

We don't leave people out at Christmas, and have invited various people over the years, but it is very different inviting an individual to your Christmas which already has 20 than inviting the one when otherwise you're on your own.