AIBU - spending Christmas alone

[chrome100]

My sister has told me I am "not allowed" to come for Christmas.

Bit of background, she has just had a baby (in September) with my BIL and they have moved house, so she's had a lot on her plate. I get that. Our parents will be abroad and she's told me she doesn't want me coming to theirs as she wants it to be just her, her husband and the baby for my nephew's first Christmas.

I've offered to host them at my place (I now live 20 mins from them), or to just come round to theirs for a few hours. I've also offered to do the cooking for them (which is a big deal for me as I am a terrible cook but I am prepared to give it a go) but no - that is not good enough.

I have no partner or children so suppose I will be spending it alone. I am not a huge Christmas fan and it doesn't really matter, but I was looking forward to spending a nice day with my sister, BIL and baby nephew (the first baby in our family for over 30 years).

AIBU to feel upset? Aren't I family too?

More likely she is tired and us just looking forward to a few days,with her dh at home, where she can relax get up when they want, eat what and when they want and generally not do a lot.

Well maybe when the sister needs yet another favour from the OP the OP will doing other stuff so can't help.

I'd be telling my sister that she had to remove the load of furniture she has at yours tbh.

It seems that favours only work one way.

She's mean. Baby or not, accommodating your sister for a few hours is hardly putting yourself out.

Fancy an Aussie Christmas OP? You're welcome at ours. We spend the day in the pool drinking champagne.

I predict there will be many Christmases in your future where you look back on this one and think 'damn, I was completely free to do what I wanted that year!' so make the most of it. Yanbu, but I'm just slightly envious of your position. No bending over backwards to accomodate various family members, slaving in the kitchen, spending lots of time and money planning and catering. I hope you have a fab Christmas

Since when is going to someone's Christmas payment or punishment? Why is doing Christmas a "favour"? That seems far more extreme than hoping to have the day without any pressure to entertain. Forced obligation only leads to resistance.

Forced obligation only leads to resistance.

Having one sibling that always gives and one that always takes leads to resentment

Right now the DSis has a baby who is just a few weeks old. She quite possibly has not got the energy to think about Christmas. And why should she? Why should she have to either entertain or be entertained? Either way can be exhausting.

It is all very well posters saying that they entertained having just given birth but that is irrelevant. They are not the DSis.

Why should she have to either entertain or be entertained?

I hardly think the OP needs 'entertaining' In fact she has said she would help out.

I would withdraw from them in terms of doing no further favours, don't put yourself out for them etc. Certainly no gifts. I know it's harsh but they are telling you very clearly how little you mean to them, so don't reward that.

I hardly think the OP needs 'entertaining' In fact she has said she would help out.

By her own admission she isnt much of a cook so that is one big chore which wouldnt have fallen to her.

The DSis has recently moved house and had a baby. I think the OP is being unreasonable and thoughtless.

I think the OP is being unreasonable and thoughtless.

The OP isn't the thoughtless one.

Having a baby doesn't give you a free pass to be hurtful to others, especially your sister who has been helping you out.

i can go weeks without seeing my sister, even tho she lives 5min drive away but under no circumstances would i ever let her be alone at christmas!!
yanbu!

Brokenhearted55a

Any gift for the baby is a gift for the parents. The baby doesn't know who is giving him the clothes or toy but the parents do. I would not give the baby a Christmas present in this situation.

Agree that OP needs to evaluate her relationship with her sister to see if its equal. But OP says she loves her sister so sister may be reasonable in other aspects.

OP seems accepting of sister's decision so all the comments asking why she's upset are unfair.

There does seem to be an awful lot of hysteria on this thread and I do think some posters need to get a grip.

The Dsis has told the OP nearly 7 weeks in advance that she wont be hosting this Christmas. She hasnt thrown the OP out into cold on Christmas Eve. She has given her plenty of notice to make other arrangements.

I know the OP offered to cook but by her own admission is no good at it. In the DSis' shoes the idea of a non-cook cooking Christmas dinner sounds both exhausting (lots of fuss about how long things need to cook/does this look done yet?) and dangerous (oh yippee, badly cooked food and a risk of botulism!).

At this stage the DSis quite probably wants no fuss, no having to think about feeding someone else, tidying up etc etc.

Well I think it's awful of your sister.

Ive invited my step mum (my dad has died, and they only married when I was in my 30s so I don't know her that well) to come for xmas dinner and also her brother who I know often visits her xmas time. Step mum works xmas day so I figured she wouldn't have time to cook and I dont like the idea of her brother spending most of the day alone.

Maybe your sister is just so wrapped up in baby's first Christmas she doesn't realise that she's been selfish. I refuse to travel anywhere at Christmas as I don't think it's fair on dd to make her leave the house after opening presents. Maybe I'm being PFB about that, but it's our tradition. I also often work Boxing Day so I want to relax at home on xmas day. But any distant family/friends is welcome to come to mine.

This is why I hate xmas. The expectation that we all have to gather round in forced merriment and if we don't then we're not having a good time.

The pressure to host, the expectation of being invited, the then wondering what pressies to buy - it's all bollocks. There is the entire rest of the year to spread out the entertaining but we are expected to cram in seeing everyone in the family in the Xmas/New Year period.

Me and DH are looking forward to doing nothing this festive. Nothing. No-one round except perhaps for pop-in drinkies.

OP sounds like this is just life - you've put out a bit in helping then but feel a bit aggrieved at not been invited to spend Xmas at theirs. How is your relationship with her the rest of the time? Was she grateful that you helped out so much (taking time off work to look after dog is a big ask). TBH having a baby is exhausting and I can totally get wanting time to chill out. She may just not see things from your point of view. And reading between the lines you do more than your fair share of support for her, why? Did she ask or did you offer?

We have a large family Christmas every year, combining both sides. Due to some in - fighting and NC on DH's side, we decided we wanted a Christmas alone last year. However, my mum is entirely alone and lives 100 miles away. We invited her down from Christmas Day, but spent Christmas Eve and morning alone as a family unit. She stayed for a week.

I understand your sister's desire for time alone as a family, but I think she should be offering more of a compromise. Having you over for dinner shouldn't be to hard. I hope you enjoy your time in the Lakes!

*Forced obligation only leads to resistance.

Having one sibling that always gives and one that always takes leads to resentment*

If that's what the relationship is like then a crappy turkey dinner and pleasantries when the host would rather be doing something else isn't going to cure it.

It would appear that some people just don't get the 'I want to be on my own" status. You might not get it but it exists and, like someone said upthread, why should your preferences trump another just because you don't get it?

I am that 'alone' person. I have people round, lots of them, family and friends, when it suits me. Not out of obligation. In the past I've had my family round for a meal on another day of the year so people don't feel so rushed in the festive fortnight.

I don't get the 'family at all costs' thing but I appreciate that some do. For me personally, the best thing to do at Xmas is to sod off for two weeks somewhere. Makes the best use of a two week break. I have spent Xmas with my side of the family which is usually at my sis-in-laws and tbh it bores me shitless. We all contribute a bit of the meal but it truly feels like groundhog day. I love my family and my siblings but in bite sized chunks. I'm sure to get flamed on here for that but at Xmas I like to do my own thing, with my own family. Dh has a massive family and we generally do get together once a year, all of them but not at Xmas. And everyone is fine with that.

Given that most families have both parents working, it's fair to say that people want more time alone because they are knackered and it's easier catering for 4-5 people in your family than 8-12 in your extended family.

it might just be me but I got the impression the OP wasn't suggesting any "forced merriment". More just "may I drop in and have a chat with you and a cuddle with my nephew".

I am not a "family" person myself but I think in a situation where you are close - with a friend too, not just a family member - and you know someone will be alone on the day and not thrilled about it, you say, "ooh, pop in" - even if just for an hour.

I do find the "family, forced merriment, ground hog day" thing dire, but it seems very far from what the OP suggested. I respect the right of anyone to do what they want but if I were the OP, I'd be winding back on the helpfulness frankly.

'No-one round except perhaps for pop-in drinkies.'

for 'drinkies'.

I suspect the No Christmas day may have come from the DH.

It sounds like OP is quite involved in DSis family life and that's wonderfully kind of her, but as Dsis and her DH were originally due to be at his parents then cancelling it sounds like they were looking forward very much to having just the three of them for this day.
After all in the original plans OP would have been on her own.

Look I get that it's kind to invite others on Christmas Day, especially when they do stuff for you, but there's also something in there about not always being obliged to host just because of circumstances.

OP could go over to France - but chooses not to. OP could spend Christmas with friends - but chooses not to. OP could help out with a charity on Christmas day - but chooses not to.

All fine and I'm glad OP has picked a Christmas at the Lake District that she'll enjoy - I love the Lake District - I wonder whereabouts she's going. I get that she would have enjoyed the day with her Dsis and family more, but as above OP has a lot of choices - why doesn't Dsis get that range of choices without being branded a selfish b*tch by many here?