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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be absolutely furious with DH who threw out 'some old children's books' he found stacked in the shed that I'd kept since childhood?

295 replies

Workingfromhome200 · 02/11/2015 11:17

I had about 100 children's books that I'd kept from my own childhood (my late grandmother had read them to me as a kid, others were classics) as well as various books of my own children's that I'd read to them as well. They are now too old for them so I had put them away in the garage for when I have my own grandchildren to read to. DH, who hates any form of clutter, had found them and little by little, been throwing them in the recycling bin, a few books at a time. I discovered this by accident when I was looking through the paper recycling looking for a receipt that might be in a box in there. I was devastated and furious all at once. I phoned him at work and asked him and he took ages to admit it because he has form in this area. Three years ago I had run out of room in my wardrobe and placed some winter clothes in a chest. He went to put some of his own things in the chest, there was no room so go took 'some old clothes there' and put them in the bin outside. I found them a day later when I took out the rubbish, and he promised never to do it again. Don't worry, I am not a hoarder or anything, but we do live in a small 3-bedroom house. But he didn't ask and I think it's just so disrespectful and arrogant not to check. Of course, he's very sorry about what he's done but I have told him not to come home tonight. I am too cross. What makes it worse is that there was one book he didn't throw away because he knew that it was my favourite from childhood (The Lorax from Dr Suess, I was always reading it to our kids when they were little). that tells me he knew what he was doing was sneaky and wrong.

OP posts:
DeputyPecksBentBeak · 02/11/2015 14:59

Half an hour after first reading your posts and I'm still angry on your behalf, OP. So I get where you're coming from if you think the thread won't help while you're feeling angry.

yoshipoppet · 02/11/2015 14:59

I had to have words with DH when I found something of mine in the recycling bin. Not books, mind. He knows not to touch The Books. But I did say that if he ever threw anything of mine away again, he would regret it, as he has a huge collection of stuff and the possibilities of being repaid in kind made him go pale.
It was only saying that which made him realise how I feel about my things, and how utterly heartless he would be if he got rid of any of it, without checking first.
I am so sorry that you have lost your collection, I would be gutted too and honestly, would be seriously considering my future with this man.

BogusCatAndTheFuzz · 02/11/2015 15:09

I think it's well past time to get angry.

His rationalisation, is crap. Thoughtless was to do it once, but he didn't did he? Thoughtless doesn't cover the fact that 'he was so disingenuous about it when confronted on the phone. wouldn't answer questions directly, and it took ages to get a confession.'

Plenty of thought went in to this.

VimFuego101 · 02/11/2015 15:16

I normally get annoyed when people shout 'LTB', but in this case, i really hope you do, OP. I would be heartbroken if DH did this to me. And if he did do it, I would expecting him to be tying himself in knots, selling his own treasured possessions to replace what he'd got rid of. All your DH has done is to whine on about himself. I would give him one chance to explain what's going on in his head and then end things. I wouldn't want to stay married to someone who had such a blatant disregard for the things that were important to me.

emotionsecho · 02/11/2015 15:20

He wasn't being thoughtless he put a deliberate amount of thought and time into gradually throwing the books away in small numbers in the belief that the OP wouldn't notice until they had all gone, that's cruel and calculating.

KurriKurri · 02/11/2015 15:29

If you hadn't discovered what he was doing before he had systematically eradicated your precious book collection, what would he have said when you wondered where they had ALL gone? My bet is he would have denied them ever being there and implied you were going mad and you must have put them somewhere else.

I've been gaslighted - I think you are being too, it is cruel and horrible and usually the prelude to something even nastier than throwing away books.

RedToothBrush · 02/11/2015 15:38

He hasn't thrown out a book.

He's thrown out a memory. A moment in time you can never return to. A special relationship with a person who is long since gone.

He knew this.

I think you need to reflect on that, and his reaction to you finding out in that context especially give he did it slowly and deliberately so you didn't notice and why he wanted to do that.

Lots of people have said it was thoughtless. The thing is that everything about it, says that actually he did think about it. A lot.

It puts things in a very different light - what did he put before your memories and important people in your life?

Get angry, but channel it in a meaningful way.

Dumdedumdedum · 02/11/2015 15:49

I don't know if this makes sense, but the word which occurs to me is not "thoughtless", it is "violation". I am furious on your behalf, OP. I wish you well.

SlaggyIsland · 02/11/2015 15:54

It's actually a bit like something from a horror film, what he's done.

dangermouse2015 · 02/11/2015 15:56

My dad this to my mum. She wasn't a huge hoarder but definitely hung on to stuff.99% of the time she didn't notice but would have been upset if he did this for sure. He used to (and still does) do it in exactly the same way - bit by bit. That said, he loves her more than anything in theworld they are each other's rock despite differences
over theyears. For those who are saying LTB over this, I think that's a dreadful overreaction if he relationship is otherwise loving. It is doubtful he meant to cause the hurt he has. YANBU for being very upset though.

Badders123 · 02/11/2015 15:59

It wasn't a random act of thoughtlessness though, was it?
It was a very deliberate act of throwing away your beloved possessions bit by bit so you didn't notice.
I'm horrified by his behaviour.
It's totally indefensible.

Gruntfuttock · 02/11/2015 15:59

SlaggyIsland "It's actually a bit like something from a horror film, what he's done."

I think that's going a bit far. He hasn't chopped up a pet or family member.

GruntledOne · 02/11/2015 16:01

Apart from all the points that people have said above, this seems to me a financially idiotic thing to do. Out of print children's books can be surprisingly valuable - I was really surprised to discover that one of mine would sell for around £200. No idea whether yours would come to that sort of figure, but I wouldn't be surprised if he's effectively thrown away at least £1000. Ask him if he would throw away £1000 in cash, or something like a diamond ring, because he was being "just thoughtless" or wanted more space for his own stuff.

And tell him that, whether he likes it or not, he absolutely is going to replace each and every book he threw out via second hand shops, Amazon and eBay, no matter what it costs.

Pohtaytoh · 02/11/2015 16:02

Im sorry, what a bumhole. As a fellow Mumsnetter once said, may he poop hedgehogs for the rest of 2015.

The little fucker knew exactly what he was doing.

My DH is the same and it upsets me when he throws out things that should be sentimental to him, let alone me.

We had to clear through a lot of stuff when we had our home renovated, and it transpired DH had thrown out some very expensive wedding items. Apparently it was my fault for not going through them even though when he did it i had a 10 day old baby and was surgically attached to the fecking sofa . He was up in the loft when i found out he'd chucked it all in the tip, in the midst of a blazing row about it i put baby in the pram and walked out the house without a word (or my phone) while he was still hollering in the loft.

My parents are pretty shit too though, because they are hoarders with everything but my stuff - which is apparently clutter. It's like that episode in friends where monica's stuff is all destroyed but Ross' isn't. They threw some pretty special things away when i was at uni, that i had specifically left home for safe keeping, wanting to one day pass on to my kids.

alltouchedout · 02/11/2015 16:06

I'd be better able to deal with my husband shagging someone else than doing this. ( I realise how weird that sounds but it's true!) I hope your anger is unforgettable and changes him enormously and for good... How this could be truly forgiven I dont know, though. He sounds such a selfish, sly, unlikable shit.

Pohtaytoh · 02/11/2015 16:08

dangermouse the question that only the OP can really answer is 'did he do this because he is a pillock, or did he do it because ultimately he sees working's possessions as less important than his?' If it's the latter than i can see how LTB would be a genuine reaction

GoblinLittleOwl · 02/11/2015 16:09

My father used to do this; the worst was when my mother discovered he had thrown away her wedding dress. He was tidy, she was not.
I suggest if you have anything that is valuable to you, parcel and box it up and put it in the loft, in a lockable container if possible.
Towards the end of his life, I was smuggling things out of my parents' house, such as postcard albums from the First World War, to stop my father from destroying them.

SlaggyIsland · 02/11/2015 16:15

Gruntfuttock I was thinking one of those very psychological ones rather than a gorefest.
It sounds flippant but I didn't actually mean it that way - the thought of him carefully, stealthily, little by little removing the OPs most precious things is actually a deeply unsettling one.

originalmavis · 02/11/2015 16:15

So they went in the bim, not even to Oxfam? I'd be very upset. I'd be beyond upset. We are a family of book worms, so it would definately be a hanging offence. Luckily DH is the same.

I don't know what made him think it was ok to throw anything of anyone else's, let alone things of great sentimental value. I'm not very good at letting things drop so I'm afraid I would have binned all his things by now.

dangermouse2015 · 02/11/2015 16:18

Poytahtoh - I couldn't agree more but haven't seen anything to suggest that he is guilty of the other behaviours talked about here (gaslighting was mentioned). My point being that, if he has behaved in a monumentally selfish, thoughtless, hurtful manner but is otherwise a loving husband then Op has every right to be upset but to turn it into a reason to end an otherwise healthy relationship is unnecessary.

squoosh · 02/11/2015 16:22

'thoughtless' suggests he did it once. He did it several times in a sneaky, underhand manner.

dangermouse2015 · 02/11/2015 16:27

Ok perhaps inconsiderate is better but my dad did the same and was behaving selfishly and thoughtlessly, also in a sly fashion but without being abusive.

StopShoutingAtYourBrother · 02/11/2015 16:28

This wasn't thoughtless, it was deliberately thoughtful OP I'm sorry to say.

I don't think you're overreacting. I'd be gutted if this happened to me. For me it's not so much the books but the precious memories attached to them. You may not be able to retrieve your original books but at the least he should be buying you replacements. Id ask my dp not to
come home if he'd done this to me too.

madmotherof2 · 02/11/2015 16:32

What a tosspot Angry

uglyswan · 02/11/2015 16:33

Oh, OP, I'm feeling quite ill with sympathy rage for you - that is a really horrible thing to do. For some oranges! Angry

The only useful thing I can think of to say is that now you've had his pathetic, worthless fauxpology, it's up to him to think of how to make it up to you. I mean, I would love to find one of your lost books and can imagine a good many posters would like to crowdsource all of them back to you. But that's his job and I would make that very clear to him. He did something really horrible and cruel to you and (even if it was thoughtless, and with all the best will in the world I'm not seeing that here), he has to find a way to make it right again.