AIBU to be absolutely furious with DH who threw out 'some old children's books' he found stacked in the shed that I'd kept since childhood?

[Workingfromhome200]

I had about 100 children's books that I'd kept from my own childhood (my late grandmother had read them to me as a kid, others were classics) as well as various books of my own children's that I'd read to them as well. They are now too old for them so I had put them away in the garage for when I have my own grandchildren to read to. DH, who hates any form of clutter, had found them and little by little, been throwing them in the recycling bin, a few books at a time. I discovered this by accident when I was looking through the paper recycling looking for a receipt that might be in a box in there. I was devastated and furious all at once. I phoned him at work and asked him and he took ages to admit it because he has form in this area. Three years ago I had run out of room in my wardrobe and placed some winter clothes in a chest. He went to put some of his own things in the chest, there was no room so go took 'some old clothes there' and put them in the bin outside. I found them a day later when I took out the rubbish, and he promised never to do it again. Don't worry, I am not a hoarder or anything, but we do live in a small 3-bedroom house. But he didn't ask and I think it's just so disrespectful and arrogant not to check. Of course, he's very sorry about what he's done but I have told him not to come home tonight. I am too cross. What makes it worse is that there was one book he didn't throw away because he knew that it was my favourite from childhood (The Lorax from Dr Suess, I was always reading it to our kids when they were little). that tells me he knew what he was doing was sneaky and wrong.

What a disgusting thing to do. He's a creep. I would throw my DH out if he did this. But he wouldn't - because he loves me, and because he's not a sociopath.

It's a hateful act :(

"Do you want to stay bound to a man with a missing sensitivity chip?"

this.

There is no respect for you or your property. I would imagine this lack of respect is evident in the rest of your life together too?

I won't repeat what everyone else has said but wanted to express my sympathy. You sound lovely and don't deserve this at all. If you can bring yourself to, please share some of the titles. If I had any I'd be glad to send one to you. I know it wouldn't be the same but it might help a little.

So sorry you are upset and what he did was wrong but remember they are just books (important books but just books).

I hate clutter. I do usually ask my DH and I do respect the very little that he insists on keeping almost all the time ;)

ruth would you feel the same if your DH threw out, say for instance, your gran's wedding ring that you'd inherited?

I feel so sad reading this. I knew he'd call anything you said 'psychobabble'. You don't want to be with this git for the rest of your life do you?

I'm afraid something else you care about will disappear or be 'accidentally' destroyed pretty soon. While I don't blame you at all for trashing his shirt, he will see this as a sign that you are not sufficiently crushed and miserable yet, that you haven't learned your place, so he will find another way of inflicting harsher pain on you. Because that's what this is all about: putting you in your place.

Sorry, ^^ this "he will see this as a sign that you are not sufficiently crushed and miserable yet, that you haven't learned your place, so he will find another way of inflicting harsher pain on you. Because that's what this is all about: putting you in your place."

When i read your opening post i thought "shit! that sounds like my sis!". Having read the whole thread i can see that he IS my sister but in a mans body!

The way to deal with his bullshit is by being blunt, matter of fact and placing the responsibility of fixing the situation back on to him. TELL him that you don't believe it was 'accident' or 'thoughtless', that you hold him responsible for destroying your possessions - and what is he going to do to replace them?

From my own exp with my sis i can tell you that this is all calculated, premeditated, passive aggressive CONTROLLING behaviour. When they eventually get called out on it they do all they can to minimise it and turn it back round on you. All of which he has done.

He's feeling confident that you will react the same as you did every other time he violated your trust and destroyed your possessions - and i suspect you are. You already sound 'defeated', as though you've 'accepted' this latest episode - and that is exactly what he is counting on. If you won't stand up for yourself then this will only be repeated in the future - because you already know deep down that you can't/don't trust him anymore.

The 'why' bit - some people are just nasty and mean that way, could likely an issue or hang up from childhood that has followed him - but that still doesn't EXCUSE his actions. He did this to deliberately punish you - please don't forget or minimise that. Just like my sis, he has no problems accusing others of 'hoarding' and being 'dysfunctional' but the minute you accuse them of having issues suddenly it's all 'psychobabble'.

Exactly like my sis, he is deliberately walking all over you but making sure that he can't be held responsible for any of it - by using 'didn't think' as an excuse and by turning it back round on you for 'hoarding silly things'. When you do stand up to him he gaslights you, lies to you and makes you feel like you're 'blowing things out of proportion'.

I couldn't remain in a relationship with a man who behaved like this. My sis picked a spineless manchild who doesn't stand up for himself, his kids or even his own family in the face of my sis's games and nastiness. People like them pick their 'victims' carefully and they only show you their 'true' nature once they believe they've got you backed into a corner...

Was he even upset by the shirt ??
You can keep venting if it helps x
My mom threw out a box of toys when i was a teenager that i had had since a toddler and up.
I was devestated.
I am not the tidiest person im first to admit it but i have a collection of sweet valley high ( well only few of them) but huge collection of sv university that i saved from childhood and have added few too in adulthood.
Yes some take up space in our bedroom and spareroom, but my dp would never get rid of them.
I've collected them for years.
End of the day they're my possessions.
I would never do the same to him even if it were clutter.
I can understand how you are feeling.
It's bigger than him simply throwing away some of your things.
I'm sorry op xx

I think you should rent a storage unit to keep the things guy consider important. Your house is not a safe place to store things. I'm sorry.

What did he say about his shirt?

I agree with many of those who have posted as to the very real seriousness re the sick nature of someone who would do this to a person he claims to care about. I also agree with the posters who feel that there probably have been and will be more harmful and hurtful little (or big) mistakes, accidents, etc. There's something genuinely creepy about what you've described. OP, we don't mean to sound overly dramatic, but his actions and mental processes are not coming from a good place and are indicative of a very secretive and spiteful games-player. So sorry this happened.

Thing is it appears that this is the first time you have challenged his behaviour. I would think it is a pretty notable wake up call for him. He might be acting all unconcerned but might not be underneath.

If you maintain a stern demeanour it might be interesting to see if he cracks and actually can acknowledge what he did and even work out why he did it and perhaps redeem himself somehow. Though it might take weeks.

But - my husband would claim not to be a hoarder, yet the house is full of his stuff and whenever I need space there isn't any. Every time I clear some space for something it seems it ends up with his stuff in it. I would have found it immensely frustrating if he had taken a spot I use for something every year and filled it with yet more stuff of his without even talking to me about it. It's selfish and disrespectful

Unless your house does look like a hoarders house,then you may want to consider how you react about things.

You clear a space where you like to keep something (it sounds like something that is not in a permanent location) it's left long enough for him to put stuff there and you think it's selfish and disrespectful and get frustrated by it?

yet the house is full of his stuff and whenever I need space there isn't any.

I can relate to this - DH is the same. There was the time when he grumbled that the house was untidy. We went round the house, and every heap of untidiness was his. Enough said!

ruthsmumkath
It's not just about the books, although they were sentimental and irreplaceable. The OP's DH deliberately did something he knew would be hurtful to her very secretively and was evasive when confronted about it. Destroying possessions is abusive and when she attempted to discuss his behaviour he undermined her by accusing her of "psychobabble".

I wonder if he'll start throwing out the children's memories too.

I think you should rent a storage unit to keep the things guy consider important

Yes, and live in it - it's called 'another house'.

It's still material abuse. Dont forgive him. Divorce him. Do you think this is the last time he will pull a stunt like this? You sound like such a lovely person, one who deserves loveliness. Please rent a storage unit somewhere and start removing any other precious items, particularly irreplacable ones. And start collecting evidence of assets and earnings too. You will find these tricky to find should you need them later on. You might not be ready to go yet, but one day you will be.

Wow. I have read all your posts op and I am so, so sorry this has happened to you. On the surface it seems such a silly think to be upset about - a book, or books. But it's what they and the action of disposing of them represents. All your beloved memories and your dh's lack of respect for you as a person, as his wife. I don't think I can add anything which hasn't already been said - I'd be furious too. I have precious few books I kept from my childhood, to share with my children. And they remain safely out of reach on the very top shelf of a bookcase. But dh knows what they are and what they mean to me. Heck even the children (3,3,5&7) aren't allowed to touch them until they learn to look after their own books! But I will happily snuggle down and read them to them. Dorrie books, poetry books, treasury of fairy tales and one oddly illustrated book but I still love it now. Some aren't even in print any more. So no, you are completely reasonable in feeling the way you do. I just hope your dh doesn't start taking it out on other things of yours. And if it's likely, I would remove them to a place of absolute safety and consider doing the same for myself.

Needs - I'm not sure why I shouldn't find it disrespectful - the house is a shared resource, there's no reason why I should be happy to be denied its use when I do want it because I want it less than he does.

Imagine that with money - Well it was just sitting in the account. I know you were planning on using it for your trip at Easter, but I wanted it for some nights out now so I just took it. What? Well yes, I suppose I did spend all our free money this month, and last month too. And no, I don't suppose money would be there when you actually want it at Easter, but it was just sitting there, so why shouldn't I use it without even discussing it with you?