AIBU to be absolutely furious with DH who threw out 'some old children's books' he found stacked in the shed that I'd kept since childhood?

[Workingfromhome200]

I had about 100 children's books that I'd kept from my own childhood (my late grandmother had read them to me as a kid, others were classics) as well as various books of my own children's that I'd read to them as well. They are now too old for them so I had put them away in the garage for when I have my own grandchildren to read to. DH, who hates any form of clutter, had found them and little by little, been throwing them in the recycling bin, a few books at a time. I discovered this by accident when I was looking through the paper recycling looking for a receipt that might be in a box in there. I was devastated and furious all at once. I phoned him at work and asked him and he took ages to admit it because he has form in this area. Three years ago I had run out of room in my wardrobe and placed some winter clothes in a chest. He went to put some of his own things in the chest, there was no room so go took 'some old clothes there' and put them in the bin outside. I found them a day later when I took out the rubbish, and he promised never to do it again. Don't worry, I am not a hoarder or anything, but we do live in a small 3-bedroom house. But he didn't ask and I think it's just so disrespectful and arrogant not to check. Of course, he's very sorry about what he's done but I have told him not to come home tonight. I am too cross. What makes it worse is that there was one book he didn't throw away because he knew that it was my favourite from childhood (The Lorax from Dr Suess, I was always reading it to our kids when they were little). that tells me he knew what he was doing was sneaky and wrong.

There's clearly more to this than some books, it's interesting that you mention his controlling behaviour and that he displayed aggression towards you. Time to reasses your life op.

He sounds like an utterly horrible person.

We had a long conversation/argument about his controlling behaviour and how that this was a particularly hurtful manifestation. I talked about other examples and asked him to question why he thought that his desire to get rid of 'clutter' (in his mind) trumped respectful and courteous behaviour (ie asking if I was keeping it for a reason). I talked about other times he tried to control, talked about arrogance, and asked him to reflect on his motivations. I was accused of psychobabble.

He doesn't love you op. He is a self-centred git.

It's interesting that it's your stuff that needed to be thrown out. It would be one thing to toss the entire box in an act of thoughtlessness, but this was very calculated to get rid of stuff without you noticing.

The books are gone, but the wider issue is that he doesn't respect you.

I do understand about the books though. I've gone on ebay to get DD some books I loved as a kid because they're out of print. Then my lovely mother informed me she kept a box of them all somewhere that I could have.

i will forgive but not forget

But what has he done to earn your forgiveness? He’s done nothing to try and rectify what he did, and the humility and remorse he shows clearly isn’t genuine if he’s continuing to lie to you and is dismissing everything you say. Somebody genuinely remorseful would have come clean and listened to their partner’s concerns.

Absolute thundercunt. "Little by little" "silent cull" - you said it yourself - he wanted his own way without any bothersome confrontation, like requesting permission of the owner. Why ask, when you can sneakily do it and have your own way?

Of course they aren't replaceable. You want the very books that held so much personal emotion. You want the books you thumbed through with your little 5 year old fat fingers. The actual book with the "scary page" and the bit that made you cry (Beth March ).

His reaction is horrible. His text is only to get you to move on. His focus on himself is to get you to not think about yourself. "psychobabble" - great to minimise it. "barely talking now" he's happy with that - a mock "sulk" that will no doubt be turned on you.

Arrogant and spiteful. He knew damn well what he was doing. And he definitely kept those 2 books to one side. Him even attempting (daring) to argue otherwise was ridiculous.

I'm so sorry for you! And angry. I'd definitely want revenge.

I suggest you throw away something of his that he values.

Start with his balls.

Sorry you're going through this OP, what a selfish thing to do.

I had a time where, after each argument with my partner, something I owned inexplicably got damaged or broken. It was a long time after I had left that relationship which turned out to be abusive that I joined up the dots and made the connection between my possessions being broken and the preceding rows.

He also was fond of trashing the place during a row. It was usually my books/ ornaments /trinkets/ favourite mug that suffered. His play station, laptop or other prized possessions were usually carefully positioned to look like they'd been chucked around, but were usually in a corner having conveniently 'landed' on a cushion.

I lost a lot of very sentimental things during that time. But I'd rather lose every possession I have than to live with someone who has no respect for the possessions of others.

In a general way, people who are pious wankers about 'materialism' and other people's wicked selfishness in being 'so het up about mere objects'... these people are usually abusive. This isn't to say that people who generally don't get much attached to stuff are inherently abusive, just the ones who make a lot of noise about it. If someone doesn't respect other people's property, they don't respect other people, either.

I'd be so upset if someone did to me what your DH did to you, and I'm not sure I could ever get over it. In my world you simply do not throw out stuff that isn't yours. Ever. Even if something is jointly owned you always check with the other person first.

"yes C4ro, I did rip up that revolting shirt of his in my temper yesterday morning. i sent him a photo by text. i felt very good doing it."
What was his response to that?!
I'm not normally pro tit for tat, but this made me feel so much better about your situation. What a total twat your DH is and I think you'd be completely justified in slowly chucking his stuff out. Then dump the fucker.

I actually think throwing them out was his way of secretly "punishing" you for slights. He knew you'd find out eventually, unless he think you're stupid or blind.

He wouldn't have just mindlessly thrown away something that wasn't his. He obviously looked at the stack of books and consciously decided to thrown them out, and throw them out slowly so you wouldn't know.

He obviously validated this to himself why this was okay. The question is not only why he thought throwing away your possessions was okay, it's why he did it without asking, in spite of knowing he was doing something wrong, and why he never mentioned it.

There is a lot more wrong then him doing something that broke your heart. Something "not serious" enough, in his mind, for you to do anything about it, and to declare you irrational when you "overreact".

How are you OP?

Update: Thanks all for your constructive advice and observations. It makes for hard reading at times. DH thinks things are more or less back to normal but they're not. Don't worry, I often challenge (in my own way) his selfish behaviour, and ensure we have a marriage of equals, perhaps this is why he did what he did. I've remembered a few other similar incidents over the years of my stuff being thrown out without permission. nothing as traumatic as this though. He's on notice, and he knows it. I'm sure I am difficult to live with in my own way, but that doesn't excuse what he did. so forgiving but not forgetting is how i'm moving forward. (and keeping a closer eye on my stuff)

He doesn't see it as a marriage of equals if he punishes you for challenging him by destroying your possessions. I feel for you having to keep an eye on your things around him, it must be so stressful.

I have sympathy, I had an old book of my grandmas, gidappi a story about a little horse who met a spider and they had a debate about his web being strong, but not strong enough for giddappi to balance on (or some such story) I left it at my mums in my bedroom drawer and yes it was coverless and a bit battered but when my sil was staying one time she took it on herself to clear out some of mums 'stuff' and got rid, I was and

If anyone has been listening to The Archers for the last few months, they will see a superior example of "gaslighting" by Rob. It makes for quite horrible listening, tbh, quite upsetting as it gets worse with each few episodes, but a big eye-opener and (apparently) very realistically done.

This: *I suggest you throw away something of his that he values.

Start with his balls.*

Midnite you summed it up perfectly - and succintly.

I know where I'd be shoving his fucking juicer. He sounds an arsehole. Btw I've heard too much citric acid is terrible for stomach ulcers, be awful if he got one wouldn't it.

Fucking hell. Throwing books away at all is pretty bad, but irreplacable childhood books? Death is too good for this him. LTB.