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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be absolutely furious with DH who threw out 'some old children's books' he found stacked in the shed that I'd kept since childhood?

295 replies

Workingfromhome200 · 02/11/2015 11:17

I had about 100 children's books that I'd kept from my own childhood (my late grandmother had read them to me as a kid, others were classics) as well as various books of my own children's that I'd read to them as well. They are now too old for them so I had put them away in the garage for when I have my own grandchildren to read to. DH, who hates any form of clutter, had found them and little by little, been throwing them in the recycling bin, a few books at a time. I discovered this by accident when I was looking through the paper recycling looking for a receipt that might be in a box in there. I was devastated and furious all at once. I phoned him at work and asked him and he took ages to admit it because he has form in this area. Three years ago I had run out of room in my wardrobe and placed some winter clothes in a chest. He went to put some of his own things in the chest, there was no room so go took 'some old clothes there' and put them in the bin outside. I found them a day later when I took out the rubbish, and he promised never to do it again. Don't worry, I am not a hoarder or anything, but we do live in a small 3-bedroom house. But he didn't ask and I think it's just so disrespectful and arrogant not to check. Of course, he's very sorry about what he's done but I have told him not to come home tonight. I am too cross. What makes it worse is that there was one book he didn't throw away because he knew that it was my favourite from childhood (The Lorax from Dr Suess, I was always reading it to our kids when they were little). that tells me he knew what he was doing was sneaky and wrong.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/11/2015 13:54

Oh I so need a 'Like' button for your post, Iagreewithmrsdevere!!

Indole · 02/11/2015 13:55

This is awful. I don't know if I could forgive someone who did this to me, or if I would even want to! WTF to the oranges. Could he not have just said 'can we keep these elsewhere as I quite wanted to carry on keeping my oranges there?' That's what a normal person would do.

Workingfromhome200 · 02/11/2015 13:59

thank you HamaTime. I'm actually too gutted to start writing a list as it makes me remember so much about my grandmother who I loved to pieces. When she died 15 years ago my family asked me what I wanted from her house and I said that all I wanted was her book collection. There were about 200 books, and the are all with me in my office here at home mixed in with my own collection. Over the last 15 years i've read all the books she had (even the one about growing roses) and felt I got to know her even more by her taste in books. Knowing that I have lost the children's books she read to me and my cousins as little kids is more painful than i would have anticipated.

OP posts:
TheWatchersCouncil · 02/11/2015 14:01

Would be delighted to help track things down for you.

XX

greatbigwho · 02/11/2015 14:02

My dad threw out a box of my books from childhood as he couldn't be bothered to take them with him when he moved. It was 15 years ago and even thinking about them now I can feel tears forming.

I'm so sorry that you've lost all your books, what an awful, awful thing to happen.

Washediris · 02/11/2015 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntGertrude · 02/11/2015 14:05

I agree with Moriarty. Make a list asap before you forget any - and add to it as you remember.

BogusCatAndTheFuzz · 02/11/2015 14:06

Stuff them being your Christmas presents

They'd be leaving presents in my house.

As said above it's the underhand way he went around it, and that now knowing you're upset he still making it all about him.

LemonySmithit · 02/11/2015 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Toastandstrawberryjam · 02/11/2015 14:13

My STBEH threw out a pile of papers I was keeping once. In it were my children's letters to Father Christmas over a few years. He knew full well it was wrong and what they meant but still did it.

It was one of my deciding points to divorce him. It just summed up his whole view of me and the lack of respect he had. I expect you feel the same OP.

Snowcoveredthoughtcage · 02/11/2015 14:16

I am so upset by your post. I could never forgive this. I have a bag of cassette tapes in the garage that DH occasionally complains about but he would never ever throw them away, he knows what they mean to me, despite the fact they are obsolete, they represent years of old and forgotten relationships. I have ended friendships because they stole books from me. I could end a marriage over this act and what it says about his attitude to me.

dinkystinky · 02/11/2015 14:16

I would be so so furious and hurt - he went about it in a totally underhand way and isn't even properly apologising. I'm so sorry this has happened OP.

babyiwantabump · 02/11/2015 14:22

Feel for you op - my sister did something similar with some toys that me and my other sister had made with my grandparents as a child . She threw them out when they were given to her children as they weren't plastic Tat. Didn't even ask if we wanted them. Had some lovely memories attached and I couldn't speak to her for a while because it hurt so much .

Some people just don't get the emotional attachments that some items can have .

emotionsecho · 02/11/2015 14:24

It's the fact he did it in such a nasty, underhand way and all over storage space for some oranges. It shows he values himself and his oranges over and above your feelings and anything you value. The same with the clothes in the chest, he wanted to put his clothes in there you and yours were irrelevant.

This isn't about hoarding/non hoarding it is about him feeling that him and his possessions and wants are the only things worthy of consideration.

A reasonable person would have discussed freeing up some space for the all important oranges.

I'd be so tempted to inject the oranges with something foul.

DeputyPecksBentBeak · 02/11/2015 14:24

He knew exactly what he was doing. What a shit

TheWitTank · 02/11/2015 14:25

The more you post the angrier I get on your behalf. What a total cunt. How are you going to deal with this op?

SouthWesterlyWinds · 02/11/2015 14:29

This would devastate me. Please try to remember if you can and I will look on my shelves to see if I can find similar ones for you

Pipestheghost · 02/11/2015 14:32

I'm so angry on your behalf, my abusive ex used to throw possessions of emotional value to me away.
How does you DH generally treat you?

Sallystyle · 02/11/2015 14:34

Replacing them won't help will it? They won't be your grandmother's books.

I am so gutted for you. I just can't believe someone could be so cruel to do this.

For me it would be a deal breaker because it signifies something so much deeper. It is cruelty.

I am so sorry OP Thanks

Workingfromhome200 · 02/11/2015 14:36

so what am I going to do? tbh I'm not sure. There's something wrong. Not sure what it is. He claims it was just pure thoughtlessness and says he's really sorry. He says he didn't know that the books were from my childhood. But he knew at the very least that were our children's. and kept a few aside that he knew for sure had sentimental value. (though now says this was not intentional and it was just lucky they were left behind). It's that kind of response that worries me. It's the denial and rationalisation rather than the act that concerns me. But appreciate your support and offers to help replace the books though probably I don't think i will try. How do you replace a book that a godparent living overseas bought your child for your sixth birthday for example? going to stop posting. I think I'm moving into 'anger' mode and this is probably going to make it worse!

OP posts:
DoctorFunkenstein · 02/11/2015 14:40

If you are sure he knew they were special to you and from your own childhood, and now he is denying that, then what he is doing is called gaslighting (as well as minimising, and lying)

It is a huge red flag in any relationship

Basically making you think you are going mad because what you were sure about, he is denying took place/was so.

If you reckon he didn't actually know you wanted them, or why, then that's a bit different - but within this thread that part of it has changed, and I'm not sure if he has been telling you different things, or if you were unsure to start with?

Sorry you are going through this Flowers

TheWitTank · 02/11/2015 14:41

Good luck op however you deal with this Flowers

TheTigerIsOut · 02/11/2015 14:42

I'm sure you will find a way to deal with this Working, but please keep your eyes open. The same way he diminished your book collection little by little, he can start to diminish your self-esteem and other more important things with so much thoughtless egoism.

Be careful, he may say he is not sentimental and that he doesn't get it, but if he really doesn't get it, that's much worse... really, there's no hope for him to appreciate that his actions are hurting you.

Workingfromhome200 · 02/11/2015 14:45

gaslighting! yes, that sounds spot on. He knew I wanted to keep those books. But decided to throw them out anyway. And bit by bit so I wouldn't see a big stack in the recycling. But says he's guilty of only being thoughtless. when i asked him what went through his mind to think it was okay to throw them out, what sort of internal dialogue gave him permission to do that, he said that he couldn't remember. can somebody explain a bit more about gaslighting? I have heard about it but sounds like this might be a case?

OP posts:
squoosh · 02/11/2015 14:47

Gaslighting

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