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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be absolutely furious with DH who threw out 'some old children's books' he found stacked in the shed that I'd kept since childhood?

295 replies

Workingfromhome200 · 02/11/2015 11:17

I had about 100 children's books that I'd kept from my own childhood (my late grandmother had read them to me as a kid, others were classics) as well as various books of my own children's that I'd read to them as well. They are now too old for them so I had put them away in the garage for when I have my own grandchildren to read to. DH, who hates any form of clutter, had found them and little by little, been throwing them in the recycling bin, a few books at a time. I discovered this by accident when I was looking through the paper recycling looking for a receipt that might be in a box in there. I was devastated and furious all at once. I phoned him at work and asked him and he took ages to admit it because he has form in this area. Three years ago I had run out of room in my wardrobe and placed some winter clothes in a chest. He went to put some of his own things in the chest, there was no room so go took 'some old clothes there' and put them in the bin outside. I found them a day later when I took out the rubbish, and he promised never to do it again. Don't worry, I am not a hoarder or anything, but we do live in a small 3-bedroom house. But he didn't ask and I think it's just so disrespectful and arrogant not to check. Of course, he's very sorry about what he's done but I have told him not to come home tonight. I am too cross. What makes it worse is that there was one book he didn't throw away because he knew that it was my favourite from childhood (The Lorax from Dr Suess, I was always reading it to our kids when they were little). that tells me he knew what he was doing was sneaky and wrong.

OP posts:
TheTigerIsOut · 02/11/2015 20:52

I grew up abroad so I am sure I have none of the books you mention,but if you tell us which they were, we can help you to find some of them.

I know that they won't be the same as your dear grandmother's but perhaps knowing that there are so many people out there caring about your feelings may make something good out of this loss. Could you post the list?

TheWernethWife · 03/11/2015 08:34

I'd get rid of the bloody juicer - see how he feels about that

jackstini · 03/11/2015 09:07

OP - you asked about Gaslighting so here you go.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

So sorry for the emotional pain you must be going through - I would be furious and devastated in equal measures. Sad Angry

What really annoys me though is that it sounds like he has not once asked how he can make this up to you.
Not that he can - but to not offer and twist the situation makes it much worse.

Would anyone in the family still have something else of Grandmother's that you could have as another memory?

BogusCatAndTheFuzz · 03/11/2015 10:25

How you doing this morning OP?

northernsoul78 · 03/11/2015 10:32

Poor you op. I have a dh like this. He chucked out ds3 scan photo. Fortunately I found it and is alwsys moaning for me to prune my book collection. Yet when I mention his football programmes he says they are fine ad they are dtored in a box. Wtf

northernsoul78 · 03/11/2015 10:33

Sorry not read whole thread. Things appear to have moved on.

Happyminimalist · 03/11/2015 10:34

How are you OP

Workingfromhome200 · 03/11/2015 10:39

a postscript. DH showed an equal mix of humility, remorse and aggression upon the return home. We had a long conversation/argument about his controlling behaviour and how that this was a particularly hurtful manifestation. I talked about other examples and asked him to question why he thought that his desire to get rid of 'clutter' (in his mind) trumped respectful and courteous behaviour (ie asking if I was keeping it for a reason). I talked about other times he tried to control, talked about arrogance, and asked him to reflect on his motivations. I was accused of psychobabble. We are barely talking. thanks to those who suggested I post a list and offered to see if they could replace. The problem is, I'm not really sure about what was there. For example, my daughter went to her bookcase to see whether she had any of my old childhood books lurking there. She found one. It was the 1971 edition of the Children's Encyclopedia of Knowledge Book of History. I wouldn't have been able to recall its title had it not been the lone survivor. But I devoured this book (kept at my grandmother's) as a child, learning about the kings and queens of England and my kids also used it for projects at school. I think I have to just move on and accept that these books are gone, and deal with the wider issue this has raised. i will forgive but not forget

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 03/11/2015 11:15

Working, that's an interesting postscript. I can understand you feel the books are irreplaceable.

As for the wider issues - I freely admit, I am a happy singleton, I don't know why anyone considers it worth putting up with someone who would do this in the first place. There's room for learning - but can a leopard really change spots?

whatever happens, I hope you are okay Flowers

KurriKurri · 03/11/2015 13:20

The thing is it is not a desire to get rid of clutter as such is it? - He is not throwing out his own stuff, he has deemed your things to be worthless and therefore 'clutter'. That is extreme arrogance and shows that he actually feels anything to do with you and your desires and needs is intrinsically less valuable than anything to do with himself. It is quite an insight into how he values you (or sadly, doesn't value you).

He will not change and he will do it again (I speak from bitter experience) because he just doesn't get it, he can make some of the right noises of remorse, but he doesn't mean it because he doesn't truly think he has done anything wrong. He has just observed that for some reason you appear to be upset so he'd better look a bit upset so things can get back to normal which is more comfortable for him. But he doesn't understand why his actions are disrespectful and cruel, and he doesn't actually care that he has hurt you, he still believes it is a fuss over nothing and you are the unreasonable one.

RhiWrites · 03/11/2015 13:45

What a depressing conclusion. So he'll just keep on doing it, then. And you'll live with it because he's a sunk cost.

Sazzle41 · 03/11/2015 14:05

Thats awful. And doing it bit by bit is so sneaky. Is it a control thing? I would put precious stuff somewhere else now tbh if he has form for this, its so disrespectful of whats important to you. Do you have a pretty box you could label and put them in, in the bottom of your side of the wardrobe or something? That way its blindingly obvious they are precious and to be kept. Garage or attic gives him the argument that they are places for junk...or he thinks out of sight out of mind.

yoshipoppet · 03/11/2015 14:08

How on earth does he feel he has the right to show aggression over this?

I would be so tempted to have a giant bonfire of ALL his stuff, then chuck him out too.

Jeffreythegiraffe · 03/11/2015 14:22

I don't think it's really resolved. How sad.

stoppingbywoods · 03/11/2015 16:13

If my DH did this, we would both know he might as well have punched me in terms of emotional impact and relational damage. I don't know what's going on with your DH, OP, but I'm really sorry that this has happened to you Flowers

PS: Another poster upthread very kindly took a photograph of her Beatrix Potter collection and offered to send it to you. In the general maelstrom, I think her post was overlooked. It's such a lovely thing to do.

C4ro · 03/11/2015 16:14

Has he noticed yet the disappearance of his favourite shirt yet or did you back out of dealing him tit-for-tat?

MitzyLeFrouf · 03/11/2015 16:15

'I talked about other times he tried to control, talked about arrogance, and asked him to reflect on his motivations. I was accused of psychobabble.'

What a dismissive arse. He's not even willing to talk honestly and rationally about why he did this! He's just trying to silence you.

I'm so sorry OP. The thought of this being done to those treasured childhood books I've taken with me into adulthood makes me feel so sad.

Workingfromhome200 · 03/11/2015 16:30

Oh, there's worse. he told me it was a complete co-incidence that the two books had been saved were the two most important books in the pile - my favourite childhood book and the one he bought and gave to our son. I told him he MUST have sorted through them for these two to be saved and he told me he couldn't remember but was adamant it wasn't on purpose. He must think I am stupid!
I'm new to this mumsnet thing so I didn't know how to properly thank the lovely person who offered me the Beatrix Potter books. If you're reading this, what a lovely, heartfelt thing to do, and so kind. I'd feel terrible taking them though from anybody else, I know they would regret it one day as they are so lovely. But I do really appreciate the kindness you've all shown. It's helped a lot and helped keep me from going completely bonkers at him. It's pointless. There's some sort of 'sensitivity chip' missing. or whatever you call it.

OP posts:
Workingfromhome200 · 03/11/2015 16:38

yes C4ro, I did rip up that revolting shirt of his in my temper yesterday morning. i sent him a photo by text. i felt very good doing it.

OP posts:
Badders123 · 03/11/2015 16:41

He sounds vile.
Sorry, op.
Such a cold, calculating thing to do.
I don't think for one minute he is sorry he did it, but he is sorry you caught him!

RiceCrispieTreats · 03/11/2015 16:43

Do you want to stay bound to a man with a missing sensitivity chip?

Because this won't be the last insensitive thing he does to you.

Grapejuicerocks · 03/11/2015 16:48

Genuine remorse I could deal wth. His refusal to accept he's done wrong and his inability to empathise, would be the deal beaker.

LagunaBubbles · 03/11/2015 16:54

Im a lot puzzled how you can forgive him really.

gotthemoononastick · 03/11/2015 17:11

OP,I am an ancient nomad,who has left many things behind in many places,with heartache sometimes.

Look on the internet.It is an Alladin's cave and you will find all your books displayed there.So thrilling seeing the old vintage illustrations again.Best thing is to not have to' own' them and just look awhile once more.

SlaggyIsland · 03/11/2015 17:16

Oh OP, is this really who you want to be with?
What he has done to you is hateful - there is no other word for it.

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