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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be absolutely furious with DH who threw out 'some old children's books' he found stacked in the shed that I'd kept since childhood?

295 replies

Workingfromhome200 · 02/11/2015 11:17

I had about 100 children's books that I'd kept from my own childhood (my late grandmother had read them to me as a kid, others were classics) as well as various books of my own children's that I'd read to them as well. They are now too old for them so I had put them away in the garage for when I have my own grandchildren to read to. DH, who hates any form of clutter, had found them and little by little, been throwing them in the recycling bin, a few books at a time. I discovered this by accident when I was looking through the paper recycling looking for a receipt that might be in a box in there. I was devastated and furious all at once. I phoned him at work and asked him and he took ages to admit it because he has form in this area. Three years ago I had run out of room in my wardrobe and placed some winter clothes in a chest. He went to put some of his own things in the chest, there was no room so go took 'some old clothes there' and put them in the bin outside. I found them a day later when I took out the rubbish, and he promised never to do it again. Don't worry, I am not a hoarder or anything, but we do live in a small 3-bedroom house. But he didn't ask and I think it's just so disrespectful and arrogant not to check. Of course, he's very sorry about what he's done but I have told him not to come home tonight. I am too cross. What makes it worse is that there was one book he didn't throw away because he knew that it was my favourite from childhood (The Lorax from Dr Suess, I was always reading it to our kids when they were little). that tells me he knew what he was doing was sneaky and wrong.

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 02/11/2015 12:45

Fucking hell Sad

I seriously think you need to reconsider your future with this arsehole.

And as for replacing the books - he wouldn't have an option on that I'm afraid.

Could you post a list of books so that we can see if anyone can find copies for you?

Aramynta · 02/11/2015 12:49

Oh good. He hurt you and its all about him

Classic.

Peregrina · 02/11/2015 12:51

I have mixed feelings about this, because I selectively throw out DH's stuff. He is a hoarder. The sort of thing that happens is this: after the tenth time of asking him to sort out say 10 boxes of reference manuals from an IT system which was already obsolete by 2000 from a firm he left in 2005, so are of zero use whatever, they are found shuffled round elsewhere. When I find them they go in the bin. The trouble is that the stuff which has sentimental value is mixed up with the dross, and it is always going to be sorted out 'later' which like tomorrow, never comes.

My DM was the worst for this - stuff from her grandparents was moved around from house to house, never looked at and shoved in the loft/shed/garage. When it was finally looked at it was moth-eaten or the mice had been at it, and was fit for nothing. Again though, there were some things which had been good pieces e.g. some nice table linens, which could have been used and enjoyed for 20 years but instead had cracked and foxed and were only fit for recycling.

Whatever, you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him, to try to reach a compromise.

Aramynta · 02/11/2015 12:53

What I can't get my head around OP is that he knew exactly what he was doing and how much it would upset you yet somehow he is making himself out as the injured party.

He used a methodical approach by binning them in dribs and drabs so you wouldn't notice. Then, when caught out, turns it back on himself so he looks like the "victim".

If he has form for this I doubt that it will stop here.

RiceCrispieTreats · 02/11/2015 12:53

He does not respect you.

He places large store by himself, though: he gave himself the right to bin your things, his book mattered (but yours didn't), his clothes mattered (but yours didn't), and today his feelings matter more than yours.

He is selfish, and you don't matter.

StayWithMe · 02/11/2015 12:53

I'm absolutely gutted for you OP. He obviously feels that you don't know what's good for you and his 'wants' are more important than your feelings. So did he think that throwing out your books in such an underhand and nasty way, would somehow solve his other 'problems'? Do the books have some sort of magical, problem solving properties? What an arrogant, manipulative, selfish, sly arsehole!

ipsos · 02/11/2015 12:58

I've seen this kind of thing before and I felt that couples' therapy would have really improved things. There were resentments on both sides and they continued to fester for years, when it would have been much better to sort things out.

Chilledmonkeybrains · 02/11/2015 12:58

OP, did he know what those books meant to you or did he think they were just old junk? What is he saying?

The bit-by-bit disposal and the keeping of a couple are not conclusive either way.

Original poster
Workingfromhome200 · 02/11/2015 12:59

Somebody earlier on asked if I was sure I wasn't a hoarder, as this would minimise the offence. And I agree if that's the case because it would be easy to get confused by what should be thrown out and what shouldn't. but our garage is more or less like another room of the house and the books were tidily stacked within a large, open unit, with shelves, next to our CDs. however I realise now (the books were put there about 3 months ago when I tidied up my son's room over summer) that this got rid of an area where DH liked to keep spare bags of oranges to make his juice each morning. as crazy as it seems, this is why I think he began the silent cull, to free up space.

OP posts:
squoosh · 02/11/2015 12:59

'I have mixed feelings about this, because I selectively throw out DH's stuff. He is a hoarder. The sort of thing that happens is this: after the tenth time of asking him to sort out say 10 boxes of reference manuals from an IT system which was already obsolete by 2000 from a firm he left in 2005, so are of zero use whatever, they are found shuffled round elsewhere.'

Massive difference here as the OP wasn't even consulted.

MaidOfStars · 02/11/2015 12:59

While scannign the thread for a response that matches my own, I found SGB's and it sums it up for me:

deliberate, calculated cruelty

I'd be so sad if my husband did this.

Original poster
Workingfromhome200 · 02/11/2015 13:04

in response to ChilledMonkeyBrains, he thought they were junk that should be gotten rid of, and though he knew i wanted to keep them (obviously as they were stacked neatly there) didn't seem to think there would be a compelling reason why. He knew some were my books from childhood but says he has been thoughtless in thinking it was okay to throw them out.

OP posts:
PeterParkerSays · 02/11/2015 13:04

He cleared your books to make space for his orange juice? Seriously?

i'd be banging bloody nails into the space for his fruit so he couldn't use it. spiteful twat.

Write a list of all of them, and explain that these items will be replaced, by him, so he can start working now, or you start chucking out his stuff, an item a day until the books are back to full strength.

Oliversmumsarmy · 02/11/2015 13:04

He won't buy them from Ebay for me -- he's not that sort of person.

I would be ebaying his clothes and anything he had an attachment to so you could afford to replace the books. I would be eating all his oranges before he had a chance to juice them.

How many f**king oranges does he need?

PegsPigs · 02/11/2015 13:05

It's the drip drip drip sneaky way that would get to me. If it was one big huff and he dumped the lot that would different. He's a total shit.

RiceCrispieTreats · 02/11/2015 13:07

So you put the books where he likes to keep his oranges, and his reaction is to slowly and silently throw them out, over time? Rather than open his mouth and talk to you about it, or just move them elsewhere if he really finds talking to you so difficult?

He sounds both arrogant and underhanded. And definitely not respectful.

Scoobydoo8 · 02/11/2015 13:07

spiteful twat sums it up

StayWithMe · 02/11/2015 13:09

I was just wondering who decides where and when you eat out, go on holiday, makes the important decisions for your DC?

OliviaBenson · 02/11/2015 13:10

It's the calculated way he did this, coupled with his reluctance to admit what he did. And then he is trying to blame other issues. Nonsense. I'll bet that he'll start getting arsey with you when you are still upset about it in a few days/weeks. He doesn't have any respect for you.

Has he made any suggestion how he's going to make it up to you? Or are you just simply expected to accept his apology?

I don't know how you move on from this. So sorry op.

Trufflethewuffle · 02/11/2015 13:10

If you hadn't discovered this today the Lorax would have gone too.

ManorGreyhound · 02/11/2015 13:10

I don't think I could stay married to someone like this. It is the calculated, cold spitefulness of it that I could never forgive.

It would be this character trait that I would end the marriage over - the actual circumstances of its expression (the binning of your books) would be neither here nor there.

Scoobydoo8 · 02/11/2015 13:11

It's a 'my happiness and contentment (room for his stuff) is much more important than yours - and I don't mind letting you know that' scenario.

squoosh · 02/11/2015 13:12

It's beyond bloody weird that he couldn't just say 'oh that's where I normally keep my oranges, can we find another space for the books?'

He sounds like the silent huffy sort who punish people who don't even know they've done anything 'wrong'.

RaspberryOverload · 02/11/2015 13:13

I have to agree that this calculated spitefulness would seriously make me think again about staying with someone like this.

Everything mentioned here has been all about him, and I bet he'll expect you to get over it by tonight.

ManorGreyhound · 02/11/2015 13:15

He sounds like the silent huffy sort who punish people who don't even know they've done anything 'wrong'.

Yes, this too - DH and I are both of the 'big bust up and then it's done with" persuasion. Somehow, the spinelessness of what your DH has done really serves to make it even worse, like he doesn't have the balls to actually say how he feels and will 'punish' you instead.

Horrible man. He's really shown his true colours here, hasn't he?