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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be absolutely furious with DH who threw out 'some old children's books' he found stacked in the shed that I'd kept since childhood?

295 replies

Workingfromhome200 · 02/11/2015 11:17

I had about 100 children's books that I'd kept from my own childhood (my late grandmother had read them to me as a kid, others were classics) as well as various books of my own children's that I'd read to them as well. They are now too old for them so I had put them away in the garage for when I have my own grandchildren to read to. DH, who hates any form of clutter, had found them and little by little, been throwing them in the recycling bin, a few books at a time. I discovered this by accident when I was looking through the paper recycling looking for a receipt that might be in a box in there. I was devastated and furious all at once. I phoned him at work and asked him and he took ages to admit it because he has form in this area. Three years ago I had run out of room in my wardrobe and placed some winter clothes in a chest. He went to put some of his own things in the chest, there was no room so go took 'some old clothes there' and put them in the bin outside. I found them a day later when I took out the rubbish, and he promised never to do it again. Don't worry, I am not a hoarder or anything, but we do live in a small 3-bedroom house. But he didn't ask and I think it's just so disrespectful and arrogant not to check. Of course, he's very sorry about what he's done but I have told him not to come home tonight. I am too cross. What makes it worse is that there was one book he didn't throw away because he knew that it was my favourite from childhood (The Lorax from Dr Suess, I was always reading it to our kids when they were little). that tells me he knew what he was doing was sneaky and wrong.

OP posts:
sashh · 02/11/2015 13:15

I had an ex like this.

Anything of mine could be used, thrown or given away, but woe betide I did the same with his.

It was his way of saying my feelings were irrelevant and that I was worthless.

This is my first ever serious LTB.

DoreenLethal · 02/11/2015 13:17

he realises how much he has hurt me

Of course he does, which is why he did it.

Floggingmolly · 02/11/2015 13:19

His oranges... Confused How big is his stash that he has to store it in the shed?

ConferencePear · 02/11/2015 13:20

I would find this unforgivable, so sneaky and arrogant and such a complete disregard for your feelings.

GiraffesAndButterflies · 02/11/2015 13:21

Fucking hell that's spiteful.

Imagine how long he must have kept that secret for, if he's been doing this gradually. And every single time he did it he was making the same decisions: throwing away things he knew you wanted, hiding it from you, knowing you would surely find out eventually and be hurt but still secretively doing it. Over. And over. And over. Ugh.

The clothes thing makes it even weirder. Does he have some kind of issues over shared space? It's like two children sharing a room who've drawn a line down the middle and woe betide any toy that crosses it.

Except he's an ADULT. And the secretive spite of this is just horrible.

Flowers
MoriartyIsMyAngel · 02/11/2015 13:23

Start a list of the missing books while you remember. Add to it every time you remember another. Then set about hunting them down on eBay. It's not perfect, but they will still be the same books. I assume you have shared finances? It may cost quite a bit to get some of them in an 'as new' condition, maybe take it out of his Christmas present budget this year?

MoriartyIsMyAngel · 02/11/2015 13:25

If you need your memory bumping, look at 'nostalgia' children's book boards on pinterest.

lexigrey · 02/11/2015 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chilledmonkeybrains · 02/11/2015 13:30

Thanks for answering.

So (he says) he didn't understand the significance of the books to the OP and perhaps he's not sentimental himself? He wouldn't get it.

Of course, he absolutely should have checked with you and should be grovelling like crazy and trying to find them on eBay for you.

He's massively in the wrong but I'm not seeing the calculated malice that some posters are.

Curiouserandcuriouser30 · 02/11/2015 13:30

That is such an unkind and disrespectful thing to do. OP you say he couldn't think of a reason why you would want to keep them - he should have asked you why they were important, not made the decision for you.

OliviaBenson · 02/11/2015 13:31

Does he have a proper juicer for his oranges? I'd be tempted to hide it, then he won't need any room for his bloody oranges. I know two wrongs don't make a right, but still! (But I can be petty like that).

cantucci01 · 02/11/2015 13:32

even if you were surrounded up to your nose with several years worth of newspapers due to your hoarding disorder, why would you start with someone's old books that they'd obviously kept for years and years already? There's no excuse except he was feeling selfish and dismissive. Sorry for you Op. If the 'juicing space' was so important, why didn't he discuss it like an adult and you move/chuck something else? My DH hoards clothes he'll never wear because he doesn't want to admit wasting the money/keeps for a rainy day but I'd never steal them, at worst I hassle every winter on behalf of the homeless charities and their campaign for warm clothes :)

APlaceOnTheCouch · 02/11/2015 13:33

It really wasn't thoughtless of him. It took quite a bit of thought to slowly siphon the books away in stages and to do so without discussing it with you because he didn't want to hear your answer .

It shows he is incredibly selfish and considers his needs and wants to be much more important than your's.

You need to draw a big line in the sand over this. Otherwise, you're secretly agreeing that his needs, wants and possessions are always more important than your's.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 02/11/2015 13:36

Chilledmonkeybrains the calculated malice that some are seeing is from the information that the OP posted saying that he had been getting rid of these books (that the OP had hung onto since her own childhood) in drips and drabs, not in one "Let's clean off some space for my oranges in the garage" type clean-up. There was thought put into their disposal, nothing said to the OP that this was happening and had the OP not discovered one in the recycle bin (think that's where she found one) she wouldn't have known and he wouldn't have said anything.

Very calculating way to do something and the malice is that he knows (having form for this) that what he was doing was wrong but he still continued.

OP - you have my sympathies. I really do hope that he sees the error of his ways and trys to sort out this mess that he has made for himself.

squoosh · 02/11/2015 13:36

So (he says) he didn't understand the significance of the books to the OP and perhaps he's not sentimental himself? He wouldn't get it.

More likely he's lying. Otherwise why leave one solitary special book?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 02/11/2015 13:38

My dh once threw out a bag full of soft toys, including the teddy bear I had had since I was a baby, that was special to me because of the memories of my dad that were attached to it, that I had put in the loft.

He told me he was throwing out a bag of rubbish, and added it to a load of stuff he took to the tip - and it wasn't until an hour or so later that a lightbulb went on in my head, and I realised what bag he was talking about, and I freaked out, burst into tears and made him drive me straight to the top to see if we could get it back, but that container had already been removed, so it was gone for good.

I cried, on and off, for weeks (I think I was doing the crying I hadn't done when my dad actually died) - but there was a big difference between what dh did and what the OP's arsehole H did - my dh didn't know that there was anything precious in the bag (and arguably, as the bear was so precious, maybe I should have put him somewhere safer), and he was devastated to know how much his actions had hurt me. He definitely wasn't doing it to hurt me, or on purpose. I don't know if I could have forgiven him, if I knew it has been on purpose, and not a mistake.

This man needs to understand that what he did was cruel, and whatever issues he has, this sort of thing is NOT how grown ups deal with problems. I agree with all those who say he must replace the books,,and he needs to promise that he will NEVER, EVER do this again. Even then, I don't know that I could stay with someone who could be this deliberately cruel.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 02/11/2015 13:42

I have a tight, angry feeling in my chest on your behalf. What a massive cunt he is! Angry Angry Angry

You know there would be more room if he fucked off with all his stuff.

GRRrr what a disrespectful horrible man he is! I'm so sorry for you op :(

Panickingalot · 02/11/2015 13:43

Sounds like this is more than just tidying up/making space. It sounds like a real mental health issue here. The lies, the deception.

HamaTime · 02/11/2015 13:44

You don't have to be sentimental to understand that other people are. You can think sentimentality a bit wank, but chucking peoples sentimental items out because you don't understand or care about the sentiment attached to them is shitty in anyone's language. Personally I think that 'we' as a society are over invested in 'stuff' but DH's collection of 1980's manga that he will never ever look at is safe in a box in the wardrobe.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/11/2015 13:44

Stuff them being your Christmas presents

I meant that the OP should be buying her DH the replacement books as "his" Christmas/Birthday presents for the forseeable future. Preferably in an upgraded first edition style.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 02/11/2015 13:45

Can you do a quick list from memory and post it on here and we can all start looking and see what we can come up with?

I'd like to get you a book. I know it's not the same and can't be the same but at least then you can read the stories to your grandchildren.

Or I'll come round a bash your dh in the balls with a bag of his bloody oranges if you'd prefer that.

Either way, happy to help.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 02/11/2015 13:48

Sounds like this is more than just tidying up/making space. It sounds like a real mental health issue here. The lies, the deception.

Mental health issue? WTAF? Being a selfish, unpleasant cunt is not a mental health issue. Please don't associate illness with horrible behaviour like that with no evidence. It's really not helpful to people who suffer with mental health conditions because as a significant proportion of people will suffer some sort of mental health condition in their lifetime (1:3) symptoms and the person are not always interdependent.

HamaTime · 02/11/2015 13:50

I think you should post the list. The 'new' books are not going to be the same books that you had, and I think you will feel the loss. I would and I'm not sentimental.

It will change the narrative of your story from "DH threw away things that were important to me and I had to replace them all" to "DH threw away things that were important to me and lots of people reached out to help me". The power of the sisterhood, and all that.

Gruntfuttock · 02/11/2015 13:51

Well said MovingOnUpMovingOnOut "Mental health issue" FFS!

Iagreewithmrsdevere · 02/11/2015 13:52

Some round things should be going in the juicer but it should not be the bloody oranges.

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