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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be absolutely furious with DH who threw out 'some old children's books' he found stacked in the shed that I'd kept since childhood?

295 replies

Workingfromhome200 · 02/11/2015 11:17

I had about 100 children's books that I'd kept from my own childhood (my late grandmother had read them to me as a kid, others were classics) as well as various books of my own children's that I'd read to them as well. They are now too old for them so I had put them away in the garage for when I have my own grandchildren to read to. DH, who hates any form of clutter, had found them and little by little, been throwing them in the recycling bin, a few books at a time. I discovered this by accident when I was looking through the paper recycling looking for a receipt that might be in a box in there. I was devastated and furious all at once. I phoned him at work and asked him and he took ages to admit it because he has form in this area. Three years ago I had run out of room in my wardrobe and placed some winter clothes in a chest. He went to put some of his own things in the chest, there was no room so go took 'some old clothes there' and put them in the bin outside. I found them a day later when I took out the rubbish, and he promised never to do it again. Don't worry, I am not a hoarder or anything, but we do live in a small 3-bedroom house. But he didn't ask and I think it's just so disrespectful and arrogant not to check. Of course, he's very sorry about what he's done but I have told him not to come home tonight. I am too cross. What makes it worse is that there was one book he didn't throw away because he knew that it was my favourite from childhood (The Lorax from Dr Suess, I was always reading it to our kids when they were little). that tells me he knew what he was doing was sneaky and wrong.

OP posts:
NomNomDePlum · 02/11/2015 12:04

bill the fucker for them. unbelievable.

Aramynta · 02/11/2015 12:04

It wasn't:

a) clutter, it being stored in the shed where "clutter" is kept
b) his to throw away

Angry on your behalf OP.

magicstar1 · 02/11/2015 12:05

What a horrible thing to do. I think what makes it worse is how sneaky he was. If he'd seen them all, got annoyed and dumped them, it'd be bad, but to purposely throw out a few at a time is so underhanded and mean, that I don't think I could forgive it.

ShowOfBloodyStumps · 02/11/2015 12:06

I would be in tears of rage and when they passed, I'd be inconsolably upset. What a shitty, devious, unthinking, cruel thing to do.

Can we help you try and source replacements for him to pay for. I know it's not the same as having your books back at all.

If you do start looking, can I recommend the website bookbutler? It will source the cheapest internet copy (it looks at amazon, abe, major booksellers and similar for you). I have zillions of books and am happy to scour all local charity shops too if you need help rebuilding your beloved library of children's books.

Gruntfuttock · 02/11/2015 12:07

It's completely outrageous, unkind and disrespectful behaviour. He shows no regard for you and your feelings whatsoever. I would find that so hurtful. Sad

TheTigerIsOut · 02/11/2015 12:07

Another vote for chopping his balls off and put them in the recycling bag (If you want to have more children, finds something else to ravage).

What an arse, I bet this just shows his true colours. So he doen't like clutter and therefore bins your very valuable personal stuff? Mark my words... there is more selfishness and unkindness to this man than you already know about.

I spent several years carefully restoring an antiquity, who my exH broke over an argument (he kicked it repeatedly until it broke).
So... as the years passed, it was not only the antiquity that he damaged/destroyed, but my career, the house, and my son. Fortunately we are way away from his path of destruction and hurt since our divorce.

Best of luck!

TheCreepyContessaOfPlumperton · 02/11/2015 12:09

This thread has reassured me that I'm not a colossal bitch! DH has form for throwing things out - invariably things that are precious to me - without checking first and recently commited two blinders in swift succession. I properly lost my shit with him and threatened divorce if he ever did it again and I think it has finally registered that this is Not Ok.

He's taken to coming over to me with a half-eaten homemade bread loaf and sarcastically asking if it's ok to sling it as it may have emotional relevance, but I am choosing to ignore this silliness and am just pleased that he has finally got the bloody message.

I would have been even more incandescent if it was precious books. Poor you op Angry

abigamarone · 02/11/2015 12:09

The sneakiness of it, chucking a pile of books out bit by bit along with keeping a particular one back, that's really weird horrible behaviour. As he has form for this, how could you ever feel any of your possessions were safe around him again?

Workingfromhome200 · 02/11/2015 12:10

yeah, it's really making me stop and think. Just went through what was left (a handful really) and he'd kept one he'd bought for my son that meant a lot to him. so he knew what he was doing. it's the 'why?' he thought this would be ok I'm struggling with. and he was so disingenuous about it when confronted on the phone. wouldn't answer questions directly, and it took ages to get a confession.

OP posts:
squoosh · 02/11/2015 12:10

there was one book he didn't throw away because he knew that it was my favourite from childhood (The Lorax from Dr Suess, I was always reading it to our kids when they were little). that tells me he knew what he was doing was sneaky and wrong.

So he generously allowed you to hang onto one item. What a scrote.

MangoBiscuit · 02/11/2015 12:10

Fucking hell.

I get that they're just objects (albeit highly sentimental, irreplaceable objects) but they way he's gone about it is just nasty. A bit at a time so you wouldn't notice, but kept your favourite. It's calculating, deliberate, and horrid. Somehow, I doubt he's actually sorry for what he's done, just sorry that he's been caught already. What a shit.

DramaAlpaca · 02/11/2015 12:11

I would be so upset by this. What a horrible, disrespectful, hurtful thing to do.

I particularly empathise with the sentimental value of the Beatrix Potter books given to you by your grandmother. I have a collection of them from my own grandmother which I'm keeping for when I have grandchildren, and I would be utterly devastated if they got thrown out.

MangoBiscuit · 02/11/2015 12:12

Oh, and which small Beatrix Potters? I might have some.

Badders123 · 02/11/2015 12:12

That's awful.

CocktailQueen · 02/11/2015 12:12

That's not thoughtless, as some other posters have said. It's deliberate, thoughtful and malicious.

What an absolute git. I'd be beyond furious and so devastated. I love books. He needs to buy them back - or as close as he can get. Sneaky and awful.

DoctorFunkenstein · 02/11/2015 12:13

I'm not sure why so many people are using the word 'thoughtless'; it clearly was very much thought about and planned.

I could not sustain a relationship with someone who valued my feelings so little.

You have done the right thing in telling him not to come home tonight.

What are you going to do next?

AmyLouKin · 02/11/2015 12:13

You are most definitely not being unfair! I have kept loads of books I read as a kid and my mum read to me! I fully intend to read them to my child (when it's born). I would be absolutely furious with my OH, if he got rid of them to make space in the attic. They are one of the things I'm most looking forward to putting in baby's room! Luckily I know my OH would never throw out my books, as he knows just how mad I'd be if he did and how much they mean to me (although I don't think he always treats them with the respect they deserve)!
I really feel for you OP and I'm very pissed off on your behalf! I hope your other half grovels suitably. Put all your things in a lockable cabinet or trunk from now on to keep them safe! Good luck!

squoosh · 02/11/2015 12:13

It seems such calculated behaviour. Calculated to hurt.

Is he the passive aggressive sort who can't discuss his frustrations so vents in other ways?

DoctorFunkenstein · 02/11/2015 12:14

Crossed posts.

He never thought it would be Ok or he would have asked you first.

He knew you would be upset by it; and he hoped you would not notice till it was too late, basically, which in the end was what happened.

He's a total wanker.

ICanSeeForMiles · 02/11/2015 12:14

My ex was like this with things he didn't approve of, or want me doing. I found clothes/shoes/ things in the bin. The one which stands out was when he binned my polling card because he wanted me to go somewhere with him on polling day, and not vote.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/11/2015 12:15

"DH, who hates any form of clutter, had found them and little by little, been throwing them in the recycling bin, a few books at a time."
That was absolutely NOT thoughtless. That he chose to do it 'little by little' means he wastrying to hide what he was doing and that he knew exactly what he was doing. So no, not thoughtless; but yes, disrespectful. He knew you would not want these books thrown away and he did it anyway. Your attachment to them meant nothing to him Sad. I am so sorry OP, I would be absolutely gutted too.

Workingfromhome200 · 02/11/2015 12:15

thank you mango biscuit. I'm trying to remember and it's just upsetting me. there were about 10 or 12 of them, all the various characters had their own books from memory. he won't buy them from Ebay for me -- he's not that sort of person. seriously, I'd like to borrow from jennifer Anniston and say that there's some sort of sensitivity or whatever chip it is missing from him.

OP posts:
MimsyBorogroves · 02/11/2015 12:16

I can't even imagine the hurt. Even someone who can't understand the significance in sentiment (which he clearly can, because he kept the one which meant something to him...) should surely understand that they mean something to YOU.

Twat.

squoosh · 02/11/2015 12:17

The one which stands out was when he binned my polling card because he wanted me to go somewhere with him on polling day, and not vote.

Well I'm glad you binned him!

canto3 · 02/11/2015 12:20

Gosh, that is terrible. I would be utterly livid too. It seems bizarre really - like an anti-hoarding obsession. I would find the sneakiness of it very hurtful.

Echoing a PP, the lack of respect for books your books! is mindblowing. I simply cannot understand why some people think it is acceptable to send perfectly good things to landfill / recycling.

Tell him to get himself on Abebooks and replace the lot. Loads of beautiful old books with lots of history on there.