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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be absolutely furious with DH who threw out 'some old children's books' he found stacked in the shed that I'd kept since childhood?

295 replies

Workingfromhome200 · 02/11/2015 11:17

I had about 100 children's books that I'd kept from my own childhood (my late grandmother had read them to me as a kid, others were classics) as well as various books of my own children's that I'd read to them as well. They are now too old for them so I had put them away in the garage for when I have my own grandchildren to read to. DH, who hates any form of clutter, had found them and little by little, been throwing them in the recycling bin, a few books at a time. I discovered this by accident when I was looking through the paper recycling looking for a receipt that might be in a box in there. I was devastated and furious all at once. I phoned him at work and asked him and he took ages to admit it because he has form in this area. Three years ago I had run out of room in my wardrobe and placed some winter clothes in a chest. He went to put some of his own things in the chest, there was no room so go took 'some old clothes there' and put them in the bin outside. I found them a day later when I took out the rubbish, and he promised never to do it again. Don't worry, I am not a hoarder or anything, but we do live in a small 3-bedroom house. But he didn't ask and I think it's just so disrespectful and arrogant not to check. Of course, he's very sorry about what he's done but I have told him not to come home tonight. I am too cross. What makes it worse is that there was one book he didn't throw away because he knew that it was my favourite from childhood (The Lorax from Dr Suess, I was always reading it to our kids when they were little). that tells me he knew what he was doing was sneaky and wrong.

OP posts:
Gruntfuttock · 02/11/2015 12:21

OP, I'm sorry but no one does this to a person they both love and respect. Surely everyone who loves and respects their partner/spouse will check 'just in case' before throwing something out. Isn't that a normal way to behave? He can't do something like this if he feels about you as he should, can he? Confused As PP have said, it wasn't done without thinking or impulsively.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/11/2015 12:21

He won't buy them from Ebay for me -- he's not that sort of person.

He doesn't have to. That's his Christmas presents "from you" sorted until they are all back.

What.A.Wanker

AmyLouKin · 02/11/2015 12:21

Oh and yes, it does seem like a calculated act to me too, which makes it worse in my opinion!

AlistairSim · 02/11/2015 12:22

There are no words Sad

Pranmasghost · 02/11/2015 12:23

I know it's not the same but you can get the full set of Beatrix Potter books from The Book People very reasonably. I too have some duplicates if you rember and just want individual titles. I'd be making him buy the set though.

annandale · 02/11/2015 12:23

Ooh this is a nasty nasty area for a lot of couples. Back in the mists of time dh and I have both upset each other with chucking stuff out. I can't remember the details tbh (dh probably can, he is the memory archivist in our family) but although it is years ago, both of us immediately say I HAVEN'T THROWN IT AWAY as a reflex whenever the other is looking for something.It is so painful.

Of course it is possible to move on from this, it is possible to get over practically anything. But a person's history matters just as a country's history does. He wouldn't knock down a war memorial to grow potatoes on it, and it would be good if he could acknowledge what he has done.

FarticCircle · 02/11/2015 12:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iwantanewcar · 02/11/2015 12:27

Yes totally agree with pp about the behaviour. This "he was so disingenuous about it when confronted on the phone. wouldn't answer questions directly, and it took ages to get a confession". Mine was like this about his affair and the behaviour has continued post divorce. Sorry, I would be really looking at your relationship if I were you.

If it is of any help. I have several boxes of my childhood books in the loft. Carefully kept for many years, due to the memories and the thought of passing them on to my DC. Finally got some out to have a look. They are foxed, smell, old fashioned in appearance, I cannot remember reading many of them. I think the joy in my mind was much greater than the reality. So I am getting rid of them. If you have any specific books you want please pm me. I can have a look and see if have a copy.

DoctorFunkenstein · 02/11/2015 12:27

Ours are all scribbled on with torn pages. A set of new ones wouldn't mean anything to me.

It's just so sad - they are irreplaceable. Men like him, conversely, are not.

ThatsHowYouGetAnts · 02/11/2015 12:28

Oh my fucking God. No you're NOT overreacting. In fact my heart sped up just reading your OP. I have books from my childhood - the Oz books and Laura Ingalls Wilder's books - that mean the world to me. They might just be battered old paperbacks but they are suffused with memories and are irreplaceable. If DP got rid of them (and in the fucking RECYCLING?!) it would be over between us.

This is really a horrible and indefensible thing he's done to you, I'm so sorry Sad

Workingfromhome200 · 02/11/2015 12:29

he has sent a very grovelling and apologetic text saying he realises how much he has hurt me. he then goes on about other, bigger personal issues that are causing him concern as a way of mitigating and explaining. i think i might just curl up in foetus position for a few days!!

OP posts:
DoctorFunkenstein · 02/11/2015 12:29

I also have a lot of old Puffins as well as the Beatrix Potters, (and my children aren't even interested in them! Philistines)

So if you have any you can recall, maybe put a list on here - I think we would be able to find quite a few for you.

I know it isn't the same but the same edition with the same pictures might be better than nothing perhaps x

DoctorFunkenstein · 02/11/2015 12:30

So it's all about him then?

Lovely Sad

SolidGoldBrass · 02/11/2015 12:31

This is deliberate, calculated cruelty on his part. I bet there are other examples of his attitude towards you (which is that you are someone he is entitled to punish, hurt and control). You would have been meant to find out at some stage, and there will be implications that something you did caused him to destroy your books. What he intends is for you to be permanently on edge, anxious about displeasing him in any way because you know that if you do there will be consequences for you that are both very upsetting and can be passed off (by him) as you 'making a fuss about nothing.'

Do cruel practical jokes, or nasty 'funny' comments at your expense feature in this man's repertoire by any chance? Or 'playfighting'?

squoosh · 02/11/2015 12:32

Is he going to apologise for each time he betrayed you by sneaking five books time into the recycling or is it just one overall apology?

His texts would mean diddly squat to me I'm afraid.

Gruntfuttock · 02/11/2015 12:32

That's the thing isn't it? The OP has to deal with both the loss of the books and what it's telling her about her husbands feelings - or lack of them - towards her. Two very difficult things to deal with indeed.

Stillunexpected · 02/11/2015 12:32

No issue, not matter how big or personal, explains why he has been deliberately and systematically throwing our items of significance to you! What is he trying to do, present this as some kind of therapy for him?

Wineandrosesagain · 02/11/2015 12:34

So is he saying that he did this in retaliation for other issues, or did those issues cause him to have some sort of brain-fail that resulted in him throwing out your books, a few at a time Confused. Twat. Spiteful, lying twat.

DoctorFunkenstein · 02/11/2015 12:36

Yes indeed - no one with serious worries about 'impirtant issues' would stand in a garage systematically and deviously throwing away their other half's possessions, a few at a time, for several weeks or months as a form of coping.

What an absolute twat.

Goingtobeawesome · 02/11/2015 12:36

Stuff them being your Christmas presents, it is his beer/hobby/new pants money that should be used to replace the irreplaceable.

I have FIVE books from my childhood but given I was only bought ten it isn't too bad but there are 100s in the loft that I have bought for my children and they have moved on from. My books cost 49p or 75p, theirs cost £3.99 upwards so I dread to think the cost when my grand children are buying them so I've saved for financial and sentimental reasons.

OP, your husband is a complete dickhead and needs to seriously pay for what he has done and how he has expressed his contempt and lack of respect for you.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 02/11/2015 12:37

What an absolute turd. It maybe because I'm 38 weeks pregnant a v hormonal but I actually cried when I read your post. I have lots of very sentimental books and I would be devastated if DH did this - including books from DM's childhood that her DF inscribed before he died when she was very young. She's passed them onto me and they are one of the things I would honestly try and save first in a fire (once humans accounted for!).

Can we help you look for replacements? I know it's not the same bit if you can remember roughly how old they will be, I would be very happy to hunt

redexpat · 02/11/2015 12:40

Isn't destroying possessions called material abuse? He knows they were important to you, and that meant nothing to him. What a bastard.

Marynary · 02/11/2015 12:41

It was obviously very unreasonable of him to throw away something that is precious to you. However, I kind of sympathise with him for being frustrated about the garage being cluttered up with ancient books as DH does that too. He has the same attitude and deludes himself that one day future generations will want to read them. Considering his children weren't interested (they much prefer new or newish books from the library or electronic books) rather than damp dusty ones with tiny writing that had been kept in the garage/loft.

Noctilucent · 02/11/2015 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hullygully · 02/11/2015 12:44

He's either mentally ill or a raging arse.