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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if you invite you pay

284 replies

laffymeal · 31/10/2015 21:26

Just back from friends ds's 18th birthday meal. Me, dh, dd and ds all invited to TGI Fridays along with about 20 others. Only had main course and drinks, dessert was birthday cake which dh drove the mum to Costco for, spent £50 on present, bill arrives and we're asked for £35 a head! Aibu to be fucking totally pissed off? Was happy to contribute towards drinks/tip but not whole fucking meal, which incidentally was quite shite and overpriced. Happy to be told I'm an entitled cunt btw, opinions please!

OP posts:
Fluffy40 · 01/11/2015 13:04

Overpriced burgers, wasn't impressed. Yes, you should have paid up.

dustarr73 · 01/11/2015 13:12

I dont think the op minds paying for her own grub,its paying for everybody elses thats annoying her.

I would have to say something even just to let them know that you know you where fleeced.

watchingthedetectives · 01/11/2015 13:13

YANBU
It all just needs to be clarified up front but is really cheeky to expect the OP to cover for the teenagers and therefore subsidise the night
2 options seem sensible

  1. Parents pay for teenagers etc and other 'guests' pay for themselves
  2. Parents who have done the inviting pay for everyone - that is actually what I would do (have done) and you cut your cloth etc etc
GwynethPaltrowIamNot · 01/11/2015 13:17

Just to muddy the waters .... In our group of friends if it's a significant birthday host pays , other birthdays we split it evenly

I couldn't afford to pay for someone else's children

Lweji · 01/11/2015 13:44

But this was a very significant birthday. 18.
And not even of the actual friend of the OP, but their child.
I'd have been very embarassed to ask people for contributions, let alone to cover other non paying guests...

londonrach · 01/11/2015 14:15

Id expect to pay for the food and drink id had.

GwynethPaltrowIamNot · 01/11/2015 14:21

Lweji no within our friend group , not our children's ,
If we all went out with our children we would split it into couples still , regardless of who had what and how many children , weird I know

HormonalHeap · 01/11/2015 14:31

Of COURSE I would not have expected to pay, this having been arranged by ADULTS. If they can't afford to make a party for her, don't do it!!! How incredibly rude.

Rafflesway · 01/11/2015 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PiperChapstick · 01/11/2015 18:03

I can't believe people expect for their meal out to be paid to the tune of £700+ - no one in their right mind would use that money for one meal, when it could go on so much else.

I organised a surprise 30th meal out for DH, about 12 close family &a friends, and didn't pay for anyway but us 2. I never said I would but I'm beginning to wonder if people thought they were getting a freebie Confused IIRC it was £25ph in a very nice restaurant, including 2 courses & drinks

Greengardenpixie · 01/11/2015 18:24

I agree with who ever said that it should be made clear before you go. Then you know and can prepare for it. I think its a bit rude not to have said prior to the meal. I mean, what if you didnt have it? How incredibly embaressing!

MissBattleaxe · 01/11/2015 19:11

Of COURSE I would not have expected to pay, this having been arranged by ADULTS. If they can't afford to make a party for her, don't do it!!! How incredibly rude.

I disagree. Everyone I know always expects guests to pay for themselves when they go for a birthday meal. Otherwise only people with large disposable incomes would be able to celebrate birthdays in restaurants with friends. Whether they're adults or not has nothing to do with it.

I have never heard of the etiquette where you pay for the people you invite to a restaurant until Mumsnet.

The only time I would expect not to pay is at a dinner party or a wedding.

bronnie98 · 01/11/2015 19:11

Yabu- I would never dream of not paying in that situation!

Lweji · 01/11/2015 19:15

Of course, I'd also pay if asked, but the OP is still NBU to think the people who invited her (and in the circumstances) should have paid.

Lweji · 01/11/2015 19:18

Everyone I know always expects guests to pay for themselves when they go for a birthday meal. Otherwise only people with large disposable incomes would be able to celebrate birthdays in restaurants with friends. Whether they're adults or not has nothing to do with it.

If everyone takes their friends for dinner when it's their birthday, and pay for them, over the course of one year it should be similar to having the guests pay. They require the same disposable income.

A big part of the problem is that the OP did pay previously when she invited her friends and now she was made to pay.
Cost for friends: 0
Cost for OP: I'd guess at least £200 (this meal, plus the previous)

Squiff85 · 01/11/2015 19:21

People differ on this - I feel if you invite people to something you should cater/pay but I know plenty who don't agree and think people should stilll pay their own way!

Viviennemary · 01/11/2015 19:24

I think this sort of thing should be made clear when the initation is given. I don't think I'd expect people to pay all meals and drinks for all four of you plus all the others so would try and tactfully find out what the situation was before accepting the invitation.

Nevertheless I can see why you're annoyed having spent all that money on a present and then asked to pay for the meal as well. It is a bit cheeky doing this on the cheap. How much did it cost the 'hosts' If you can call them that as they didn't do much hosting.

SarahSavesTheDay · 01/11/2015 20:11

We've hosted a number of parties at restaurants and paid. We didn't specify this in the invite; how would you word that, precisely?

AgentProvocateur · 01/11/2015 20:20

I don't think you'd need to word it if you were paying - only if you weren't.

MissBattleaxe · 01/11/2015 20:21

Sarah- you just say "please join us, it's on us"

If everyone takes their friends for dinner when it's their birthday, and pay for them, over the course of one year it should be similar to having the guests pay. They require the same disposable income.

But money doesn't always work like that.

1.You can't say "well I paid for everyone at my birthday so I expect X number of people to pay for me in return so it evens out".

  1. Some people just don't have enough money to pay for all the people they would want to join them, especially if people want to bring kids etc.
  2. Some people won't or can't put money in a "My birthday meal" jar for a year just to avoid expecting their friends to pay for themselves.

I always assume that if I am asked to join someone at a restaurant, I will pay for myself. If I can't afford it, I make a polite excuse.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 01/11/2015 20:45

For birthdays we've always had the rule that the invitee would pay. So one family with less cash chose an Indian restaurant with a set menu and beer. The family that chose a flash restaurant that others wouldn't be able to afford footed that bill too. Someone did afternoon tea in a funky cafe which was also great and within their budget.

For those that say 'why should the host pay for my meal' that's fine assuming they've chosen the type of place you can afford.

Lweji · 01/11/2015 20:56

2. Some people just don't have enough money to pay for all the people they would want to join them, especially if people want to bring kids etc.
Want being the operative word.
I want many things myself, but have to tone down to what I can afford or am prepared to pay.
If you can't afford it, either don't do anything or be upfront about guests having to pay.

But it's also why it's fairer for the inviter to pay. If they want 100 people and a flash restaurant they fork out, not the guests.
If the guests have to pay, they can go to many more parties than the number of their friends that are prepared to also fork out for theirs.

mom2twoteens · 01/11/2015 21:14

If I was invited for a meal at a restaurant to celebrate a friend's birthday I would expect to pay. If I was feeling broke, I'd either not go or just order main and a soft drink.

I'm with Piperchapstick, I've invited people to meals for my birthday before now and assumed they knew they'd be paying. If it's my birthday and I want to go for meals with my friends I ask them when they're are free and where they want to go. They know they're paying. Other wise I wouldn't celebrate my birthday. (That would just be sad.)

If I was invited to a party in a hall, I'd usually expect food and music and to only pay for my drinks. (In this case my present would be more expensive.)

AwfulBeryl · 01/11/2015 21:24

Mn really can be an eye opener can't it, as I mentioned way back -my friends and family always pay for ourselves or just split the bill, depends on what everyone else wants to do.
I wouldn't ever think that the inviter was the host and would therefore pay, I just see it as just going out for dinner with friends. Celebrating a birthday with them.
We were invited out with a couple we know last week for his birthday and I paid for us all because I had a big bonus at work. They would and have done the same, we just do what we can when we can afford to.
When we have been out for my birthday I have been the only one not to pay, It's not a big deal to us really.
I can see how it becomes a problem though when you mix with people who do things differently, especially if they don't think to mention it before hand - I wouldn't have before seeing it on here tbh.

cleaty · 02/11/2015 00:34

The only people who have ever paid for a meal to which I was invited, are my parents and my inlaws. And even then I always offer to pay my share. A party in a house or a hall, obviously the host pays for any food. But going out, the invite is to join them, that is all. And like my friends, we choose somewhere that everyone can afford.

It isn't about cutting your cloth. It is a totally different understanding of what a birthday invite means. Are those who say the invitee pays from a very well off background?

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