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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if you invite you pay

284 replies

laffymeal · 31/10/2015 21:26

Just back from friends ds's 18th birthday meal. Me, dh, dd and ds all invited to TGI Fridays along with about 20 others. Only had main course and drinks, dessert was birthday cake which dh drove the mum to Costco for, spent £50 on present, bill arrives and we're asked for £35 a head! Aibu to be fucking totally pissed off? Was happy to contribute towards drinks/tip but not whole fucking meal, which incidentally was quite shite and overpriced. Happy to be told I'm an entitled cunt btw, opinions please!

OP posts:
Lemonfizzypop · 02/11/2015 12:33

Lweji - and by your etiquette that would mean the people in our friendship group who earn less would never go out to celebrate their bday as it would cost them an arm and a leg! I don't see how that's any fairer.

Lweji · 02/11/2015 12:35

In that case they'd be upfront and organise something that others would contribute to.

Lemonfizzypop · 02/11/2015 12:41

Gosh I think that's so odd! Even for stuff like hen dos and other celebrations in restaurants I'd expect to pay for my own meal.

MissBattleaxe · 02/11/2015 12:41

*Lweji - and by your etiquette that would mean the people in our friendship group who earn less would never go out to celebrate their bday as it would cost them an arm and a leg! I don't see how that's any fairer."

Exactly. Only the well off would be dining out on their birthdays!

TBH I would never have to be "upfront" about my friend or family paying for themselves as they would all just assume they are paying for themselves anyway.

MissBattleaxe · 02/11/2015 12:42

It is seen as shameful if you invite family and not pay for them.

Not in my family it's not.

Magic69 · 02/11/2015 12:48

its a cultural thing for us.....every family is different :) will be boring if we were all the same

AwakeCantSleep · 02/11/2015 12:59

Exactly. Only the well off would be dining out on their birthdays!

Dining out on a birthday (certainly with a large group) is rare in my home country for that reason. People tend to host a party/gathering in their home, to which their guests may or may not be asked to contribute (please bring a salad/dessert, or a bottle of wine). I prefer this because it's a quieter/more private atmosphere, and guests aren't required to spend a lot of money on themselves just to be able to attend a birthday celebration.

If the guests would really like to dine out, and offer to pay for themselves (and maybe treating the host in lieu of birthday presents) then that's of course a lovely idea and would be appreciated. A bit like clubbing together for a big present. But it wouldn't be expected, or be considered the norm.

cleaty · 02/11/2015 17:38

Yes with our family, my parents or in laws always pay. Although we always offer. I did take my parents out for a meal once where I paid, when they had little money, and my mum said it felt strange to have one of their children pay.

But with friends, they decide what they want to do for their birthday, and invite people to join them. Everyone pays for themselves. It might be going out for a meal, going to the cinema, or just going out for a drink at a local pub.

Magic69 · 02/11/2015 21:32

My in laws or my parents always pay.....I always justify that they are better off than we are and paying for a meal will not dent their account whereas with us, it would

Magic69 · 02/11/2015 21:33

I wouldn't take the same granted with my friends thou....seeing as we are all public sector folks (overworked underpaid)...we all pay for our own

Gwenhwyfar · 03/11/2015 00:07

"As a guest, I would resent having to spend £30 in a burger joint"

Well don't then. It's a choice isn't it.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/11/2015 00:15

"If you can't afford it, either don't do anything"

Works exactly the same the other way. If you can't afford to pay for yourself in a restaurant when it's a friend's birthday, you don't have to go. I have declined birthday invitations to expensive restaurants for this reason.

38cody · 03/11/2015 00:21

I wouldn't expect to pay, if I'd been invited for her birthday, it's like her party, if you go to a party you don't pay.
Unless it was made clear to me I would def be surprised to be asked to contribute.

LeaLeander · 03/11/2015 00:52

But Gwen, we are discussing what is socially accepted. Hosts of an event HOST, it's beyond the pale to hand a tab to an invitee.

Organizing is different and the organizees should get a strong say in the cost, scope and terms of the event.

See the difference? OP got the worst of both approaches.

northernsoul78 · 03/11/2015 00:57

The coke would only be £3.00. You were robbed op.

Gwenhwyfar · 03/11/2015 07:49

I disagree with you both counts LeaLender. The event wasn't hosted by the other family at their home, it was organised by them at a restaurant. When two or three people go to a restaurant, you can discuss where you want to eat, etc., when you're inviting a large group there isn't time for that. If I organise a restaurant evening I choose where I want to go and people join me if they want to.
I don't agree with splitting the bill equally if people have eaten differently priced things, but that's a subject for another thread.

Lweji · 03/11/2015 07:54

"As a guest, I would resent having to spend £30 in a burger joint"

Well don't then. It's a choice isn't it.

Except the op wasn't given a choice. She assumed the inviter would pay, as she herself had done to these friends previously. (I think this is key too - you don't accept that a host pays your tab once and then charge them when you invite them)

Rafflesway · 03/11/2015 08:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AwakeCantSleep · 03/11/2015 08:45

Well don't then. It's a choice isn't it.

Except the OP wasn't given a choice. And even if it's made very clear upfront that "guest" pay for their meal, the choice is between spending lots of money on distinctly average food versus not being able to celebrate a close friend's birthday. It's very inconsiderate towards the "guests". Surely the point of being a host is to make your guests feel welcome and have a good time?

AwakeCantSleep · 03/11/2015 08:46

That should be "make sure they have a good time".

Gwenhwyfar · 03/11/2015 08:49

"Except the OP wasn't given a choice."

Well, this is down to the OP and her friends coming from different "cultures" I think, not in the sense of different countries, but different sets of beliefs. Like many of us have said on the thread it's normal for us to pay our own way at a restaurant. I'm thinking it's probably a class issue (as well as things being different in different countries) and there was a misunderstanding on this occasion. When I went to a restaurant for my birthday, it would have been silly and awkward for me to say 'you have to pay for your own food' because everybody would automatically understand it.

Of course, I wanted people to enjoy my birthday, but that didn't extend to paying 100s for it.

AwakeCantSleep · 03/11/2015 08:55

"If I organise a restaurant evening I choose where I want to go and people join me if they want to."

That's fine for a night out in town. It's how citysocializer works. But on your birthday, when close friends and family want to spend time with you, because you are important to them, they'd feel obliged to go along with whatever you are suggesting or feel like they've let you down. It's beyond rude really to impose a costly restaurant meal on them.

If all you do for your own birthday party is making a two minute phone call to the restaurant, it's a pretty poor attempt at "hosting" anything really.

AwakeCantSleep · 03/11/2015 08:59

"Of course, I wanted people to enjoy my birthday, but that didn't extend to paying 100s for it."

Nobody is saying you should. Go to the pub and buy a round. Have a picnic in the park. Invite everyone round your place and serve a simple dish, guests bring the wine. The possibilities are endless.

Rachel0Greep · 03/11/2015 09:04

At the very least, the hosts should have paid for the guys they brought along, friends of the DS. Instead, it appears that OP ended up paying for her own family AND subsidising meals for guys she didn't even know.

Original poster
laffymeal · 03/11/2015 09:40

Rafflesway, you have summed up the way I felt about it. I simply wouldn't have hosted something I couldn't have afforded for my dd's 18th so assumed the same with them as they'd been at gatherings for dd's 18th and mine and DH's 50ths earlier in the year where we had paid for everything, where cost per head was roughly £40 and they are a family of four so £160 or so.

It's not the same as joining an adult gathering at a restaurant and paying your share, she had gone on for months about it, TGI Friday is somewhere I would never choose to go but accepted the birthday boy likes it, was just gobsmacked when asked for the money. I'm not dwelling on it and it won't affect the friendship but they've got significant birthdays coming up soon and I'll be a little less cavalier with what I spend on their presents Grin

OP posts:
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