Page 10 | to think if you invite you pay

laffymeal · 2015-10-31T21:26:30+00:00

Just back from friends ds's 18th birthday meal. Me, dh, dd and ds all invited to TGI Fridays along with about 20 others. Only had main course and drinks, dessert was birthday cake which dh drove the mum to Costco for, spent £50 on present, bill arrives and we're asked for £35 a head! Aibu to be fucking totally pissed off? Was happy to contribute towards drinks/tip but not whole fucking meal, which incidentally was quite shite and overpriced. Happy to be told I'm an entitled cunt btw, opinions please!

ohtheholidays · 02/11/2015 00:47

Ouch that worked out a very expensive night out for you and your family then Laffy.

I think when anyone invites someone out it's up to them to make sure that they tell those they've invited if they're paying or if the guests are expected to pay for themselves so I don't think YABU.

When we invite anyone out we always pay,we had two birthdays within one month and there was a group of us once for DS17 th birthday and 27 days earlier for DD's 12th birthday and we paid for everyone.Each time with drinks and the cake it cost us about £450 - £500.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/11/2015 01:00

I've been stung by bill-splitters before; I've also been out for dinner for someone's birthday where she, the hostess and birthday girl, has footed the bill for everyone (as a surprise, we were all expecting to pay our own way).

In our group of friends, pre-marriage/partners etc., we tended to split the bill but the alcohol drinkers paid extra. Then one new friend came along who was on a very low income, comparatively - so she only ever paid her own and we chose places to go that were within her budget. Sometimes we would pay for her, but she could be easily offended so we didn't do it every time.

This made it easier for me when I became a student again to only pay for what I had; the others either did the same or took my cost off and then split the bill between the rest of them.

But that's mostly because none of us were arseholes, and we were all able to say what we needed to do. (The bill-split sting was with another set of people).

Lweji · 02/11/2015 08:15

I just can't understand how people don't see that inviting people to a party at home or elsewhere is the same.
Fine if people always go out and pay their own dinner. They know it and they choose how many such birthdays they go to.
Not fine if someone celebrates at home, pay for everyone, and then is expected to pay their own way for their friends' more expensive and hassle free dinners out.

And yes, if you want to celebrate your birthday, you can certainly put away money every month to fund it.
Or you can spend £20 a head every month for other people's parties.

In a group of friends you should do it one way or the other. The mix creates freeloaders and people who end up subsidising them.

milkysmum · 02/11/2015 08:19

You must be absolutely loaded if you would have paid for everyone's meal! Of course you pay for your own.

Lweji · 02/11/2015 08:35

Ok
Say you pay 20 pounds every time you go to your friends' birthday. For 10 friends it's 200.
Then you invite 10 friends for your birthday and pay 200 pounds for them.
Apart from one being spread and the other in one go, what's the difference?
And if each person pays for their own party they can choose the venue that is most adequate to their own budget (from home to a * Michelin restaurant).
Loaded people pay 1000s and less well off may well pay less than 100. I think that's perfectly fair.

Lweji · 02/11/2015 08:36

It's all maths.

Rachel0Greep · 02/11/2015 08:46

I think the hosts should have been upfront re the paying, so that everyone knew they were expected to pay, and could decide then whether or not they wished to attend.
If I read this correctly, the OP also ended up paying for meals for people she didn't even know. Now, that is a right cheek, on the part of the hosts!

cleaty · 02/11/2015 08:56

The difference is that not everyone goes out for a meal on their birthday. We do all sorts amongst our friends. And sometimes, people don't celebrate their birthday at all if life is difficult.

Lweji · 02/11/2015 09:04

But if you can't afford it, then say it will be X per head and is that OK.
Don't invite 4 people in the same family and then expect them all to pay and for other guests on top too.

AwakeCantSleep · 02/11/2015 09:06

And if each person pays for their own party they can choose the venue that is most adequate to their own budget (from home to a Michelin restaurant).*

This. As a host I'd find it really rude (and entitled) to dictate to my guests that a) they spend money on eating out when they might not normally do so and b) where they should spend this money, and how much (£ to £££££). As a guest, I would resent having to spend £30 in a burger joint (don't like burgers) because a friend chose to go there for their birthday meal. I had no issues with paying £35 the other day for an evening of wine tasting (3 course meal included) in a lovely restaurant. But that was my choice.

If you choose the venue, cost and type of activity, then you should pay. There are plenty cheaper alternatives for celebrating a birthday that don't involve your guests having to part with lots of cash for something they wouldn't normally choose to do.

Rachel0Greep · 02/11/2015 09:06

Don't invite 4 people in the same family and then expect them all to pay and for other guests on top too.

Exactly.

SarahSavesTheDay · 02/11/2015 09:08

If I couldn't afford to pay everyone's tab for an event I organised, I'd reconsider the scale of the celebration.

LookAtAllThesePhucksIGive · 02/11/2015 10:16

I'd have been fine about paying for myself and anyone in my family but I'd have been there with the menu and calculator app on my phone paying exactly what we'd ordered. Plus a bit more for tipping. I've been in company with folk who've pulled the split into amount of guests routine before. I was recovering from an op one time so just had a starter, soft drink and a coffee. Friends husband had starter, most expensive main, dessert, 3-4 drinks etc and I was asked for the excessive amount of £38 and he was asked for the same but far far off the mark amount. It was actually my friends dad who queried this and said it was unfair. Thanks to him I paid £15. :o friends dh paid £70.

Lemonfizzypop · 02/11/2015 10:19

Clearly different groups of friends have different ways of doing things then, I'm telling you now that if I invited my friends out to join me for a meal to celebrate my birthday they would think it was fucking weird for me to pay the whole bill at the end!

It's much more a casual- "this is what I'm gonna do, please come too if you can" kind of thing. If someone was really skint or whatever then is totally understand if they didn't want to come or if they wanted to only come for a drink afterwards or whatever.

I don't think there's a "right" way of doing things, maybe it's cos we've been doing the same thing since our early twenties when everyone earned very different salaries therefore you couldn't have the "host pays" rule and it's just carried on from there.

Although I still don't really see it as "hosting".

It would be different for kids birthdays though obviously.

Lemonfizzypop · 02/11/2015 10:19

Clearly different groups of friends have different ways of doing things then, I'm telling you now that if I invited my friends out to join me for a meal to celebrate my birthday they would think it was fucking weird for me to pay the whole bill at the end!

It's much more a casual- "this is what I'm gonna do, please come too if you can" kind of thing. If someone was really skint or whatever then is totally understand if they didn't want to come or if they wanted to only come for a drink afterwards or whatever.

I don't think there's a "right" way of doing things, maybe it's cos we've been doing the same thing since our early twenties when everyone earned very different salaries therefore you couldn't have the "host pays" rule and it's just carried on from there.

Although I still don't really see it as "hosting".

It would be different for kids birthdays though obviously.

LittleLionMansMummy · 02/11/2015 10:36

We always get stung on bill splitting and I agree that the cost of doing something like this is usually very high for individuals, but I wouldn't expect the hosts to foot the whole bill.

We went to Frankie & Bennys recently for my 7yo nephew's birthday meal (family only) DH and I had a £12 burger each and a couple of soft drinks, other people had wine/ beer etc. The result was that we paid £42 for the two of us. It would have been higher but dsis said she'd pay for all the dc. We'd only ever spend that sort of money on a meal for 2 of us that was two/ three courses somewhere a bit 'special'. What made us even crosser was that another member of the family who always pleads poverty (yet is managing to go on a six week long haul holiday next year) only paid for what she ate! I don't mind so much if the 'rules' are applied equally but this really did piss me off. I find large family meals out very stressful and wish I could avoid them altogether tbh.

welliesandleaves · 02/11/2015 11:03

It depends really. I think if a couple invite another couple to their daughter's birthday meal, it is reasonable to assume they're paying.

If someone suggests to a group of friends that they all go out to celebrate her birthday then I would assume everyone pays for themselves.

Utterlyclueless · 02/11/2015 11:05

YABU obviously you was expected to pay

welliesandleaves · 02/11/2015 11:07

Wow, just realised that you were also expected to subsidise the birthday boys' school friends. That was unbelievably cheeky of the hosts. I would be really pissed off at that.

Utterlyclueless · 02/11/2015 11:09

Yeah I've just seen the subsidising too, that's out of order and I certainly wouldn't expect that! Now it's a YNBU from me

Rachel0Greep · 02/11/2015 11:34

I think some posters did miss the bit about the OP ending up paying for others, not just for her own family. That is the really rubbish bit, IMO. I'd certainly have been rethinking the birthday present and consider I had gifted more than enough, by paying for meals for people I didn't even know.

Lweji · 02/11/2015 11:49

If someone was really skint or whatever then is totally understand if they didn't want to come or if they wanted to only come for a drink afterwards or whatever.

But that certainly excludes friends who can't pay their way.

If I wanted to celebrate my birthday I'd rather have there people I'd want to instead of people who could afford it.

Oysterbabe · 02/11/2015 12:16

I think some posters did miss the bit about the OP ending up paying for others, not just for her own family

Yes that was a bit of a drip feed. From first read yabu. With the added info yab less u, should have just paid for your family.

Lemonfizzypop · 02/11/2015 12:23

*But that certainly excludes friends who can't pay their way.

If I wanted to celebrate my birthday I'd rather have there people I'd want to instead of people who could afford it.*

Yeah tbh it's never happened, none of us have ever chosen to go to high end restaurants it's always somewhere affordable and casual.

I think creating this trend of making sure the birthday host pays would mean none of us would ever go out for meals together!

Magic69 · 02/11/2015 12:28

I think its different if it was family. If its :

SIL bday- my FIL will pay for everyone
MIL bday- my FIL will pay for everyone
BIL- his wife will pay for everyone
FIL- my MIL will pay
DM- my dad will pay
DF- My mum will pay

For my birthday my DH pays for everyone and for his birthday I pay for everyone

For the kids birthdays, DH pays for everyone

If it is cousins/family friends...then their prospective parents/partners will pay for everyone. In my culture, if it is a family event and you are invited by someone else- then they pay.

It is seen as shameful if you invite family and not pay for them.

For friends birthdays.....we split the bill. It is much less awkward.