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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think if you invite you pay

284 replies

laffymeal · 31/10/2015 21:26

Just back from friends ds's 18th birthday meal. Me, dh, dd and ds all invited to TGI Fridays along with about 20 others. Only had main course and drinks, dessert was birthday cake which dh drove the mum to Costco for, spent £50 on present, bill arrives and we're asked for £35 a head! Aibu to be fucking totally pissed off? Was happy to contribute towards drinks/tip but not whole fucking meal, which incidentally was quite shite and overpriced. Happy to be told I'm an entitled cunt btw, opinions please!

OP posts:
Bellebella · 31/10/2015 22:11

I would expect to pay, when I read the title I thought you meant a child being invited to someone's house. This is a 18th mean, I have always paid for myself in those circumstances.

expatinscotland · 31/10/2015 22:11

This is why people should be German. Everyone pays for their own food, no splitting and right down to the last cent.

I agree.

expatinscotland · 31/10/2015 22:12

Sorry, missed out the quotation marks!

'This is why people should be German. Everyone pays for their own food, no splitting and right down to the last cent.'

Bimblywibble · 31/10/2015 22:13

It's a slightly odd occasion to be invited to a friend's son's celebration and TBF my kids are too young for this have happened to me. I've already said I'd assume we would pay, but I also wouldn't be at all surprised if the parents covered it, or a good whack of it, in which case we would thank them politely and not argue.

To ask for £140 from your family does sound OTT. Do you think you were subsidising the son's friends? This is going to sound arsey and I apologise, it's not meant to, but when you say they definitely didn't pay for diddly squat do you mean they definitely didn't pay at all, or they definitely paid a significant amount?

Lweji · 31/10/2015 22:13

I don't think yabu at all.

The amount sounds odd.

Are you close to the friend's DS?

Why didn't the other boys pay? Surely they are adults or thereabouts.

AwakeCantSleep · 31/10/2015 22:14

Theydontknow (ahem... I'm German...) not if we invite people out for a birthday meal! At other times, yes people usually only pay for what they have had to eat/drink. Tbh, I really don't like subsidising other people's large appetite and alcohol consumption when all I've had is a salad and a diet coke...

namechangedtoday15 · 31/10/2015 22:15

YANBU - I would have assumed I was being invited to an 18th birthday party - yes it was in a restaurant rather than a hall, but it was still an invitation. You wouldn't expect to go to an 18th birthday party in a hall with a buffet, then be asked for say £20 a head - I think it's the same.

As PP have said - I think it's just a different upbringing / expectation. I would never invite people to a party / dinner and then ask people to contribute - my invitation so my bill - so I'd have been the same as you OP. But other families / groups don't work like that but I'd have expected them to have made it clear that you were expected to pay right at the outset.

And £140 at TGI's Shock?!

SquareStarfish · 31/10/2015 22:16

awake when did I say that? I said it's unfair to pay for more than what you've had. I wouldn't do it. Maybe a couple of quid to cover the birthday person but I even begrudge that.
But a world where £50 presents are handed around to people who aren't close family is a world far away from mine.

Lovelydiscusfish · 31/10/2015 22:16

Have you got any recollection (from looking at the menu) of what your family's mains and drinks would actually have cost, in broad terms?
Because my suspicion is that you've been wildly over-charged. In the circumstances you describe, I wouldn't necessarily object too much to paying my family's way - but I would be really annoyed if I was subsidising other party members by a significant amount, as I suspect you may have!

AwfulBeryl · 31/10/2015 22:18

Ah, well if you have paid when others haven't then I can see why you would be pissed off, I would be too.
Did anyone else look annoyed ?
MN really can be an eye opener sometimes, I wouldn't ever think that someone else would pay for my meal for their birthday or other celebration, because it never happens, we either split or pay for what we have. It's not something I would clarify because it's not something that has ever come up in rl for me.
I think the confusion comes when people assume everyone is on the same page as them.

minimalist000001 · 31/10/2015 22:19

I would expect to pay but would have bought a small token gift. Maybe you should have clarified what the plan was pre meal?

It was very nice for you to throw a huge party complete with hog roast. You did that for your son. At the end of the day though, it is just a birthday.

HorseyCool · 31/10/2015 22:19

I would totally expect to pay for my family's food in this situation

Original poster
laffymeal · 31/10/2015 22:20

Mains were roughly £12 each, boys were all 18, they paid nothing at all.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 31/10/2015 22:20

The etiquette involved with parties is all a bit bizarre isn't it...

  1. You host a party in your house = you pay for everything. They bring presents.
  1. You invite everyone to a meal in a restaurant. Not only do people generally think it's right to pay for their own meal, they often all club in fir birthday persons meal to. Plus everyone still brings presents.

With these mismatched etiquette rules, I wonder why in earth anyone can be arsed to host their birthday party in their own house.

Lweji · 31/10/2015 22:20

At work we sometimes got out for lunch for someone's birthday and they wouldn't pay, but that was not an invitation from them. It was usually arranged by someone else. So, very different.

pinotblush · 31/10/2015 22:21

I dont understand this at all.

I have a party, I do it in entirety or I dont do it.

I don't expect people to come to something "I" want to hold and pay for it.

Original poster
laffymeal · 31/10/2015 22:21

Some others looked a bit Confused

OP posts:
charleybarley · 31/10/2015 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AwakeCantSleep · 31/10/2015 22:27

square same here, £50 is extravagant for someone who isn't a close friend or family. But I wonder what birthday family's train of thought was - "laffy's family, yeah they'll have £200 spare, let's invite them and get them to pay for DS friends too"? I certainly wouldn't rush to accept any more 'invitations' from them...

arethereanyleftatall · 31/10/2015 22:28

Oooh I've only jus read the bit about none of the 18 year olds paying... So all the grown ups had to split the bill? You had to pay essentially fir some of the birthday boys guests?? That's bang out of order.

expatinscotland · 31/10/2015 22:30

Why, oh, why, oh why do people just make faces and pay up? Just no. 'Sorry, I don't have that kind of money. Here's ours + tip.'

Original poster
laffymeal · 31/10/2015 22:30

They are very close friends, hence my confusion Grin

OP posts:
AutumnLeavesArePretty · 31/10/2015 22:30

I always thought the rule was if you are invited the host pays wheteas a general shall we get together conversation means people paying for themselves.

Why act as host but then expect others to pay for the event.

trufflehunterthebadger · 31/10/2015 22:30

i would not dream of inviting people to a birthday party (esp an 18th) without paying for their meal and wine. if you invite someone you pay for them, very simple etiquette.

minimalist000001 · 31/10/2015 22:31

OP can you look at the menu online and work out if you just paid for your family? (Which would have been fine). It would be wrong to pay for 6 birthday boys! Outrageous infact

Do you know the boys?

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