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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think if you invite you pay

284 replies

laffymeal · 31/10/2015 21:26

Just back from friends ds's 18th birthday meal. Me, dh, dd and ds all invited to TGI Fridays along with about 20 others. Only had main course and drinks, dessert was birthday cake which dh drove the mum to Costco for, spent £50 on present, bill arrives and we're asked for £35 a head! Aibu to be fucking totally pissed off? Was happy to contribute towards drinks/tip but not whole fucking meal, which incidentally was quite shite and overpriced. Happy to be told I'm an entitled cunt btw, opinions please!

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 31/10/2015 21:56

YANBU. Your 'hosts' have brass necks.

They should have told all their 'guests' in advance what they intended to do about the bill. You were hijacked. I would have been gobsmacked.
You paid for their celebration. And you brought a present too.

Duck90 · 31/10/2015 21:56

I'm not sure really, if they had a party you wouldn't pay towards it. Depends on how the dynamics are really. I ve been out for birthday meals where the host pays and also where we each pay our own way.

Sitting on the fence with this. except 35 each would annoy me, as I normally only have a main course. So I would prefer I paid my own amount.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/10/2015 21:56

I think that, if you are going to expect people to pay for their own meal/ticket/whatever, you should make it crystal clear on the invitation.

TiggyD · 31/10/2015 21:56

Can I come to your next party OP?

Katedotness1963 · 31/10/2015 21:56

If I invite, I pay.

Citrasun · 31/10/2015 21:57

I must admit I'm with the OP on this one and I'm quite surprised that it isn't considered normal.

My family and circle of friends use the 'you pay for everyone if you invite them' rule. Although we wouldn't normally have as many as 20 people at a dinner.

We use the 'everyone pays for themselves' rule if we decide it might be nice for everyone to go out, rather than a specific invite IYKWIM. Or for smaller groups then we'll take turns & 'fight' over the bill.

I don't see the OP's situation as being any different from a smaller child's party really, eg at a play centre where the host parent pays for everything.

happyinherts · 31/10/2015 21:59

Going slightly against the grain here.

If you invite someone as in "Would you like to come out for a meal with us," without mentioning cost, the person you 'invite' is quite likely to assume you mean that you would pay.

An invite is a an invite. You are requesting the pleasure of.... I'd definitely consider it as my host was paying. I'm not an entitled at all, but it's all in the wording. If no one mentions splitting a bill or paying separately beforehand, by all means assume your host is paying.

mathanxiety · 31/10/2015 21:59

Same boat here as AwakeCantSleep and Igneococcus.

You should never risk embarrassing your guests, and guests means people you have invited. The invitation from one family or individual makes this different from people deciding to go out together for a meal.

SquareStarfish · 31/10/2015 21:59

About £15- £20 is what it would cost for most of the mains plus a drink or two at tgis.
Sounds like some people got greedy knowing the bill would be split evenly.
We always just pay roughly our share when we go out as a group. It's also a good reason to go to a set menu/eat as much as you like place. No bill problems.

trixymalixy · 31/10/2015 22:00

Yabu

eatyouwithaspoon · 31/10/2015 22:00

I would expect to pay unless they had said not too. £35 a head seems dear for there though its been a while since Ive been Tfi but that seems a lots for a main and a couple if drinks (Im tight )

Original poster

laffymeal · 31/10/2015 22:02

There were about 6 boys there from the birthday boys school without parents and they definitely didn't pay for diddly squat.

OP posts:

Longislandicetee · 31/10/2015 22:04

Yup, you were had!

Mumsnet always makes me laugh. One person says yabu and then loads of people immediately pile in.

SquareStarfish · 31/10/2015 22:04

Sounds like you and any others in your situation paid for them then! That sounds very unfair.
That said- I don't even spend £50 on my brother for his birthday and I don't know anyone who would have £700 they could just hand over to pay for a meal like this. That's nearly a month's wages to some people.

RollingRollingRolling · 31/10/2015 22:05

Was everyone told £35 a head? I'd always pay for what I actually ate/drank, not split it amongst those who knew this would happen and drank champagne/ate lobster

Canyouforgiveher · 31/10/2015 22:06

I think it depends on the invitation. We were invited to a 50th birthday party and the invitation was very much on the lines of "we are inviting you to dinner to celebrate" and I was a bit surprised when the bill was split. But part of that was that it was a 50th - most of the other ones I went to, the host (usually the birthday person or his/her spouse) paid. For an 18th I would presume it is a split the bill situation.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 31/10/2015 22:06

Well then you were obviously paying for them so YAB slightly less U

Original poster

laffymeal · 31/10/2015 22:06

Yup, we were all told £35 a head

OP posts:

BaronessEllaSaturday · 31/10/2015 22:06

Op I don't think you were entitled to expect them to pay and it just comes down to the circles you mix in. With us if it is a big celebration meal out everyone pays for themselves so I would go expecting to pay it's also why I always cater everything at home so that I can pay for everything when I am hosting. I also expect it was so high per person because some were taking the mickey because they expected someone else to pick up the bill.

Notimefortossers · 31/10/2015 22:07

Yeh see that's not on . . . so effectively you've paid for their meals too!

I think it depends on what circles you mix in and what you're used to really. In my group of friends if we all go out for dinner for one of our birthdays we all pay for ourselves, but maybe that's because we've all been friends for years so started doing this at a time when none of us had any money! Lol!

The first time my DH came out with us for a friends birthday he was shocked that the host didn't pay for everyone and I was shocked at him thinking she should!

AwakeCantSleep · 31/10/2015 22:09

square but it's okay for the birthday family to expect OP's family to spend £150 + presents on a birthday meal? I'd have been pretty miffed (and only paid for my own consumption).

Nearlycaughtawoozle · 31/10/2015 22:09

If you 've paid for a share of unaccompanied teenagers then I am changing my position YANBU

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 31/10/2015 22:09

This is why people should be German. Everyone pays for their own food, no splitting and right down to the last cent.

None of this "should I offer/who should pay?" agony.

expatinscotland · 31/10/2015 22:09

Aye, she did, math. A £50 present. Honestly, I would have expected to pay but for what we ate/drink, not for everyone else. £140?! I'd have told her, 'Sorry, I don't have that kind of money. Here's what we ate and drank + tip,' and left.

eatyouwithaspoon · 31/10/2015 22:10

Sounds like you were subsidising their birthday celebrations, then which is unfair. Do you want to come to my birthday

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