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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP thinks we should start TTCing urgently because our bio clocks are ticking. We are in our 20s. Is he BU?

102 replies

dpwantsababy · 31/10/2015 15:51

My DP has become obsessed with the idea of having a baby. It started a few months ago. He has said that he doesn't want to wait until his 30s to have DCs because he doesn't like the idea of being an older father. His parents had him when they were in their late 30s. A few friends of ours have had babies recently and are constantly posting on facebook about how proud they are and how amazing their little ones are. I am not feeling broody at all though. I'm also not worried about my fertility at 26. DP keeps saying we'll regret it if we wait too long because we might run into problems conceiving. Is he right?

OP posts:

WildStallions · 31/10/2015 15:54

He could be. Nobody can predict your future.

strangechild · 31/10/2015 15:55

If you're not feeling broody don't do it.

Booboostwo · 31/10/2015 15:59

He is BU in that you are very young and will not have problems conceiving because of your age for a long while.

He is not BU in that if you have problems conceiving because of some other reason it is better to know about it sooner than later.

He is not BU to want DCs now, but then neither are you for wanting to wait, you just want different things. One of you will have to compromise or it might be better to find partners who have more similar wants.

BockCadger · 31/10/2015 16:01

As Wild says, you can't predict your future fertility but don't try for a baby if you have no desire for one.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 31/10/2015 16:08

It's a bit early to be panicking over it, but I don't think women over 35 should take as much for granted as they do, and personally I think there is such a thing as parents who are too old, to the detriment of the child.

But it's your body clock that's the issue, not his, and you don't sound ready. Don't be pressured, certainly not this side of 30.

TheGreenNinja · 31/10/2015 16:10

We started our family at age 30, and both dearly wish we'd got on with it sooner. But everyone's different!

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 31/10/2015 16:12

Nobody should have a baby if they aren't ready for one - male or female.

Personally I wanted to be married before conceiving - is that a factor in your plans?

Nobody knows how long it will take to conceive and successfully carry a pregnancy to term.

JoeMommuh · 31/10/2015 16:14

Are you married yet?

Who will take time out of their careers to look after the baby? Is he keen for you to have one and then him to have the fun of a little kiss before bedtime but you look after it? Or is he proposing a career break for himself? Can you afford him to do this yet?

queenoftheworld93 · 31/10/2015 16:15

Neither of you are BU, it just sounds like you have different opinions on when to have kids.

You may be surprised how long it takes the average couple to conceive though, especially after coming off BC pills.

queenoftheworld93 · 31/10/2015 16:15

Joemummah isn't that assuming that they're getting married? Lots of people don't these days.

Trills · 31/10/2015 16:16

Sounds like he just WANTS a baby and is coming up with reasons to try to pretend (to himself as well as to you) that it's based on logic rather than just on feelings.

WildStallions · 31/10/2015 16:19

Why does anyone need to take a career break?

OP for me the number I had in my head was 30. I thought to be on the safe side I should start my family by 30.

So I think you've got 4 years. Which really isn't that long. But not is it s pressing hurry.

I also wanted my family finished by 35.

I look at my friends who had their families near 40 and certainly don't envy them. I wouldn't have had the energy to look after a baby when I was 40.

AuntieStella · 31/10/2015 16:19

Of course he's not BU.

But you haven't said whether you want DC, or when you thought it might happen.

Is there is big mismatch?

JoeMommuh · 31/10/2015 16:22

queen yes I realise they don't and then they're often on mn when they realise they're not entitled to anything in the event of a split. The amount of women who have children with men and are utterly unprotected, aren't their next of kin, wouldn't get inheritance tax relief if partner died etc etc always amazes me.

Just because more people aren't doing it doesn't mean they shouldn't be.

Riley2015 · 31/10/2015 16:27

I'm 27 and only just started ttc but would have liked to have started earlier. My husband wanted to wait though so I waited for him to be ready :)

SparklesandBangs · 31/10/2015 16:29

I had my DC between 28-30 it worked well for my situation as I saw it then and now with hindsight I still feel the same.

As a couple we had been together for 8 years too so had had couple time, and most importantly we both felt it was the right time. Up to the year before I didn't feel ready, then without any outside pressure the broody feeling came.

queenoftheworld93 · 31/10/2015 16:32

Joemummah and what about where the woman is the higher earner, as in my relationship? we are not stuck in the 1950s where women are reliant on the security of a husband. I am choosing to get married but it certainly isn't a requirement for having kids.

MitzyLeFrouf · 31/10/2015 16:32

You don't sound ready. Tell him to stop pressurising you.

TheCraicDealer · 31/10/2015 16:32

Agree with joe, here. I wouldn't be planning a baby and not a wedding, no way.

Leavingsosoon · 31/10/2015 16:36

I do not want to project in any way here OP but I know two men who both pressured their partners to have a baby with them in their twenties.

Both men emerged to be abusive arse holes

I know that's massive projection, but, umm, do make sure he's who you want to spend your life with first?

Birdsgottafly · 31/10/2015 16:36

You can get your fertility tested.

My DD wants to delay trying, they are thirty. She was shocked at how her fertility had dropped between 27-30.

It's her DP that pushing, I think she could quite happily not have any, if it's got to happen within two years.

I don't think she's ready and hope she's not pushed into pregnancy.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/10/2015 16:37

I'm a high earner and wanted to be married first. No religious reasons. It is women who risk their health, disrupt their careers and tend to take on at least half the responsibility of childcare etc. I wouldn't want to do that with a man who wasn't properly committed to me.

knittingwithnettles · 31/10/2015 16:52

It's nice to have friends with children the same age. It has been a source of regret that most of my close friends had children when they were much younger than me, because I think they would have been a great support network if we had all gone through it together, as if is they were supportive but out of synch at every stage.

Some men don't want their partners to have babies for quite selfish reasons - tbh it can be the controlling men who don't want children and women suffer even more from that sort of partner who strings them along with all these theories about why they should wait

I would have thought men were more naturally cautious in this matter anyway, so a man who was keen on children is probably going to make a good father.

I think we all think too hard about these things. It is quite normal to have a baby when you are 26, not some weird outrageous risky irresponsible act.

hefzi · 31/10/2015 16:58

You need to want to also - but there have been some frightening statistics on female fertility published recently: if you want one child naturally, you need to have started by 32 - more than that, and you should start earlier for the best chance (I'll see if I can find the link...)

Ha - yes: see here (New Scientist)
www.newscientist.com/article/mg22730324-100-when-should-you-get-pregnant-computer-knows-age-to-start-trying/

MitzyLeFrouf · 31/10/2015 17:00

There are always 'frightening statistics' being published.

'if you want one child naturally, you need to have started by 32'

Really?

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