DP thinks we should start TTCing urgently because our bio clocks are ticking. We are in our 20s. Is he BU?

[dpwantsababy]

My DP has become obsessed with the idea of having a baby. It started a few months ago. He has said that he doesn't want to wait until his 30s to have DCs because he doesn't like the idea of being an older father. His parents had him when they were in their late 30s. A few friends of ours have had babies recently and are constantly posting on facebook about how proud they are and how amazing their little ones are. I am not feeling broody at all though. I'm also not worried about my fertility at 26. DP keeps saying we'll regret it if we wait too long because we might run into problems conceiving. Is he right?

Even if they do, they are still more likely to have a healthy baby than not

Abortion clinics rake in a fortune from women in their late 30s/early 40s.

It's just another way to give us a kicking isn't it! Have a baby NOW. Otherwise, you'll never have one/ it will be unhealthy/ well you won't have a second.

Fact is, most fertility problems are just that and not linked to age. The one exception is early menopause but the clues kind of in the name with that one!

sounds like time for some baby borrowing and deciding how it will work financially, work-wise etc etc. Make sure he is fully on board with the reality of his planned next 18 years!

I think we are focussing too much on the whole "how long should I leave it, fertility-wise" thing and not pointing out that OP's DP sounds like he has issues/is a bully. Frankly, at 26, she should be more worried about getting pregnant accidentally than struggling to get pregnant.

OP, you don't actually HAVE to have children at any point, you know! You haven't actually said you want them, after all!

But why can't people get their heads around the simple yet salient fact that if someone requires IVF to conceive a child it is because of fertility problems!

It is hardly the case that everyone aged 35 is whisked away to a fertility clinic! Grr! Anyway I have to go out as a cat and hope my kitten doesn't pull my tail down

One of my good friends is pregnant with her second IVF baby at age 34, her first is only 18 months old. She started trying at 25 and tried for 6 years before seeking help. A good proportion of couples requiring ivf would have needed it whatever age they started trying.

That's the experience in my friendship circle too Oysterbabe. The only friend who had trouble conceiving was told that is was likely they would age 18. The fact that they only met someone to have children with at 33 and started trying then doesn't mean the fertility problems were age related.

I think a lot of people forget that historically women have often had children post 35, not first children granted, but both my grandparents carried on having children into their early forties.

My DH was keen to start a family years before I was (he's 3 years older than me). We both waited until I'd come around to the idea - despite not wanting to be an "older" dad he respected my wishes. I'm 32 and am 6 months pregnant. Had no trouble conceiving.

I'd be very cautious if he's putting pressure on you, especially as it's usually the mum who ends up doing the brunt of the work (9 months of pregnancy aside). If he doesn't respect your feelings on the subject, I'd be very wary of starting a family with him and tying yourself to him.

He is possibly right. If there is anything wrong, the NHS will normally expect you to try for two years before they will do anything. In my case this was when I was 27 (actually it was 23 and 25 as well, but due to crap GPs didn't get anywhere). So 29 until they actually started doing investigations. And we had to go on a waiting list for them to start, so they didn't start until I was 30. Got diagnosed with PCOS and then had to wait to see a gynae. Gynae did various further investigations which took me up to 31, then I had unsuccessful Clomid treatment, then I had to wait for a referral to an ACU and didn't get pregnant until I was 32 having a baby at 33 and am now trying to have second at 37.

It's a gamble you have to take really. If you are happy to take the risk there will be no problems then that's cool. But do be aware that if there are problems the cogs do turn pretty slowly to get to the point of assisted conception unless you can afford to go privately. So if you want to have more than one or two, or you don't like the idea of being well into your thirties, it may be worth trying now.

How long have you been together?
Do you live together, and if so how long have you done so?
Are you sure you want children? If so, are you sure you want children with him?

As for the marriage debate, I definitely wanted to get married before having children, not because of tradition or religion but because of the commitment it represents and because it provides legal and financial protection.

OP, why don't you and your partner offer your babysitting services to friends who are new parents? A bit of a reality check might calm his obsession!

You need to be ready...although I probably wouldn't wait forever. (Yes, babies come along all the time when parents aren't ready and they manage,...but they aren't usually actively planned.)

I've wanted a baby since I was about 14. I've been sensible enough not to get myself knocked up so early, though. We've got children in the family, whose parents were that age when they conceived. They've managed, but it certainly wasn't ideal. Looking back, I probably needn't have worried anyway. We've tried on and off from when I was about 21 (uni and career start got in the way initially) and actively started trying when I was 28, once DH was feeling grown up enough. I'm 32 now and we are undergoing fertility treatment. I've been pregnant twice in the last four years,...but neither of them made it. I do feel a bit like time is running away. It also doesn't help that several of my friends from school are on baby number 3 or 4 by now.

He is BU to worry about fertility, but not to start the conversation about your joint plan for your lives, and when/whether/how many children might come into it.

OP, before you start TTC, some things to consider:

Only TTC if you are ready. If the relationship fails it's still predominantly the woman who becomes the primary carer after the split.

Talk to your partner about expectations - why does he want a baby now? What's his motivation? What are the plans on childcare? Is he expecting you to stay at home? And so on.

Don't go ahead with TTC without some plans. And don't be the one to make all the sacrifices.

You're 26. You really don't have to worry about your fertility. I would worry about whether or not you want to have a child with a man who is pressurising you into having one.

It's worth looking at where this idea of fertility dropping after 35 comes from. There's some historic (and therefore probably not entirely accurate and full of confounding factors we can't piece apart at this distance) data of birthrates at different ages pre-contraception. All modern data is based on couples undergoing fertility treatment. So not actually representative of the general population. After all, all those fertility experts don't see people like me who conceived the first month of trying (three times over in my case) despite being in their late 30s/early 40s.

if OP was posting here that she was desperate for a baby and her dp was stalling people would be urging her to consider the fact that he may never want children and to consider whether she wanted to stay in a relationship with him, in fact, people would be urging her to leave while she was still in charge of her fertility.

Now the dp is eager to have a baby and she isn't and still he's the one at fault and she should be the one to leave.....?

Ultimately, both need to be on board with the idea of having a baby, but it's not uncommon for one party to be ready before another. Also, the op said that many of their friends have recently had babies, we don't know the circumstances, perhaps some of them struggled to conceive and op's dp is now concerned that if they struggle they may leave it too late

He's not wrong to be concerned that there could be issues conceiving. One in six couples have fertility problems so the statistics are very real, and while infertility doesn't discriminate in terms of age, the fact is that the older you are when you discover you have fertility problems, the less time there is to be able to deal with them if necessary.

That being said, nobody should have a baby they aren't ready for, so op isn't wrong for wanting to wait. but neither is her dp for wanting to have the conversation and to establish whether or not children are in the ultimate plan. Because if they're not part of op's future plan then her dp needs to start thinking about his own future and whether he wants to stay in a relationship with someone who potentially doesn't want to have children with him. Of course, if op does want children then she will tell her dp this and hopefully they will wait until they're both on board with the idea. But children is a fundamental discussion which should be had in any relationship.

there's a fertility calculator on the NHS website and other advice about protecting fertility. I think a lot of people's stupid, selfish attitude about this fact stems from the fact that about half of children are unplanned, so for a lot of people they never have to face the hell of childlessness etc because they had kids younger than they planned to anyway. Sorry to rant but I'm sick to the back teeth of people presenting anecdotal evidence as if it's meaningful - "i know 2 couples that conceived no problem at the age of 40", so xxxxing what?! That proves nothing, don't you know the first thing about science? Would you take a new drug on the basis that 2 couples had taken it and been fine, or would you expect the drug to be tested on a wide range of people over a period of time etc etc?

I'm not saying the NHS is always right but basic fertility facts are hard to get wrong because of the large body of evidence. Dunno if anyone has posted this yet but if not, it should stop all the stupid reactionary comments from posters (I can dream!).

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Fertility/Pages/Protectyourfertility.aspx

"Both women and men are at their most fertile in their early twenties.
In women, fertility declines more quickly with age. This decline becomes rapid after the age of 35, particularly due to the decline in the quality of the eggs released by the ovaries.
Around one-third of couples in which the woman is over 35 have fertility problems. This rises to two-thirds when the woman is over 40.
Women over 35 are also less likely to become pregnant as a result of fertility treatments, including IVF, and are more likely to have a miscarriage if they do become pregnant.
Men’s fertility gradually declines from around the age of 40, but most men are able to father children into their 50s and beyond."
OP are your reservations just about having kids at your age, or are they partly about having kids with your DP? None of my business but I thought I should mention it, I give thanks every day that I didn't have them with my ex, but that's my own issue!
I think part of why some people react so stupidly to this issue is that they're subconsciously reacting to the unfair gender-bias of the science, but that's no excuse for giving such irresponsible advice. I tried patiently to explain to 2 friends (male and female) why their advice that I had "loads of time" was scientifically wrong, they persisted - I learned an important lesson about them - and I also thought "i wonder if you'd stick around to pick up the pieces if I was vulnerable enough to take your completely inaccurate advice". It's just one of the many things that we should be taught at school.

The rapid decline at 35 has been fairly widely debunked

The 300-year-old fertility statistics still in use today

"Another finding of the Dunson study was that, while fertility declines with age, it does not appear to do so as quickly as we have been led to believe.
Among women aged 27-34, the study showed that 86% will have conceived within a year of trying. So the 82% figure for women aged 35 to 39 is only a little lower."

And again with the plummeting bollocks.

Some women aren't very fertile. At any age. Lots of us, however, are extremely fertile well into our late 30s and beyond.

Given that women of any age are less likely to be talking to researchers about their fertility experiences if they got pregnant quickly, I would personally not be taking any stats about declining fertility as gospel.

I had one at 32 and one at 35, and caught very quickly both times. I was probably the youngest mother among my wider family for our generation, my (many) female cousins being at least 35 with their first, and no reported fertility issues (if there had been any, we would all have known in our famiy ).

So fertility declines as we age, but I don't think it's as clear cut as some stats would have you believe.

Hmm, difficult one really this.

Regardless of fertility statistics, one thing is for absolute certain that you have more energy when you are younger. I'm 33, DH is 40 and DS is nearly 2. We conceived the month after we decided to try.

I know all parents are knackered, but I for sure know I would have been less knackered if I'd have only been 26. DH feels it too, we both work full time and we're always in bed by 9.30pm during the week. (8pm at weekend, ha)

But, it's also the willingness to compromise on everything - financial, social, etc. I think that often comes with age. You do need to be in the right place as it were, especially if you are taking a practical approach I. E Planned pregnancy.

It's a massive commitment OP, a child changes everything. You are no longer number 1.

The whole debate about whether or not fertility declines after 35 isn't hugely relevant to this thread. The OP's only 26. Even if this were true, she'd still have NINE YEARS. So the clock isn't exactly ticking just yet!

I haven't read the whole thread but the only time in my experience that any partner of mine has suggested conceiving when it was to their benefit, as in they have behaved badly and I might leave so try to convince me to have a baby so that I am stuck with them.

Anyway don't have a kid if you are not ready plain and simple, if you have an age range you would like to then tell him so or revisit the idea at an another time but don't do it under pressure whatever you do.

What's he like, op? Day to day?

Great ALL the time? Or one of those ones where you say 'oh he's great, but of a temper/man child but we have great fun most of the time...'

Kids are great but they are very hard work, and the decision is irreversible. My husband and I (late 30s) have just had our first. He's great, but it is hard and it does change your life.

A while back I read the following advice on here 'the biggest decision you can make is to pick the person you have children with well.' I think that's very true. So ask yourself

Am I ready? Pregnancy itself can be tough physically and mentally.
Are we in a good place financially? Emotionally? Career wise? - of course there's no ideal time to have a baby but being in a secure stage of life is helpful (albeit not essential.)
Is this man the person you want to have kids with? Is he a grown up? Does he respect you?
How will you manage the childcare? Who will take time out of a career?
Are you legally sorted? Marriage is easiest but as pps have said, if you're the higher earner or have a great career it's possible to tie things up legally without it.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that You need to be ready, and as sure as you can be that he's the right person to procreate with.

Any hint of arseholeishness, don't do it.

I was pregnant with my first DC at 24. I had my third at 33. The difference in my energy level is unreal.

I had my first at 27, my third at 37.
All three pregnancies happened after just one attempt.
I wasn't particularly tired in any of them. Now, at 44 - l know l couldn't deal with a baby or small child again.

that might be something to do with having a 17 year old though
Anyway, there really is no hurry.
I think the advice on this thread (for the later mum) has been fantastic.