DP thinks we should start TTCing urgently because our bio clocks are ticking. We are in our 20s. Is he BU?

[dpwantsababy]

My DP has become obsessed with the idea of having a baby. It started a few months ago. He has said that he doesn't want to wait until his 30s to have DCs because he doesn't like the idea of being an older father. His parents had him when they were in their late 30s. A few friends of ours have had babies recently and are constantly posting on facebook about how proud they are and how amazing their little ones are. I am not feeling broody at all though. I'm also not worried about my fertility at 26. DP keeps saying we'll regret it if we wait too long because we might run into problems conceiving. Is he right?

I had my children at 28 and 29. ds the month I came off the pill and dd when I'd just finished breastfeeding dd. dh was the broody one, I think he was looking for a bit more meaning in his life.

It was a good age for us although a bit irresponsible really as dh hadn't finished retraining - we thought it would take a lot longer to conceive!

OP your DP sounds a bit anxious/ obsessive about this. Does he have any MH issues? It sounds like he might have some problems with his relationship with his own parents that he is ascribing primarily to parental age.

Contrary to what someone said up thread, the link between declining fertility and age is pretty well established; if anything has been added to our understanding in recent years it's that this affects men too, from an earlier age than we previously thought (albeit the decline in fertility isn't as big as for women).

OP hasn't been back.

I lost my ability to have children at 28. I realise I'm not the 'norm' but these things do happen.
That's not to say I think anyone should ttc if they aren't ready, just another perspective to think about.

I was 37 and my husband 48 when we had our son. I had my first child when I was 19.

If I'm honest. I'm enjoying parent hood better this time. I'm financially in a better place. I'm calmer. I am less worried about what others think or say.

But the down side is. I'm tired. I don't have the same energy as when I had my first.

My first wasn't planned. I missed out on a lot. I still love her. But if I had my time again.... I'd wait.

You shouldn't try for a baby when both partners aren't ready.

The downside of this is that you won't know if you have problems TTC but that's surely the same with everyone?

I had my first at 30 and I'm now pregnant with my second at 33.

Similarly to a PP, my dear friend knew from a young age she would have trouble conceiving however she was only able to start trying when she met her partner and they were ready to try for a baby. She's been going through fertility treatment for a couple of years now and is a little older than me.

The majority of people don't know they have issues until they start trying. I got pregnant first time with my DP with both pregnancies so have been very lucky. However, I tried with my previous partner (albeit half heartedly) for a couple of years before we ended up separating anyway.

"OP your DP sounds a bit anxious/ obsessive about this. Does he have any MH issues?"

OP hasn't been back.

I think it's going a bit far to suggest that he has MN issues when what we have here is someone feeling they want to crack on with having their own DC when their friends have started producing them.

OP hasn't told us her attitude to when she would like DC (or if she wants them at all). I think we're all assuming she doesn't share his sudden enthusiasm, but we don't know if it's a case of cold feet as OP likes it in theory but is nervous of actually doing it, or of bringing forward a plan by a while, or of a big change from 'no never' which is an attitude OP shared.

Having dc and not having a legal marriage certificate is legally a midfield for a woman, but not a man. It never will be an equal partnership without marriage.

Op is not active on the thread.

Is she a journalist looking for ideas to an article? Are our opinions her sources?

With the wisdom of hindsight I'd try earlier. Yes fertility does fall, even through your twenties. Trouble us you don't know how fast it's falling for you. It's a risk thing. On average it will take longer to conceive the older you are. Some people will never have a baby just because they leave it until thirty for example. (The longer you leave it the more likely your body goes wrong eg cancer which may make it impossible)

I saw first hand how my fertility was affected by age, found it easy to get pregnant mid twenties, took longer in thirties, ages in forties.

Yes I did have children later, but it took a very long time to conceive, and that's time you are on hold not planning hols , just in case, affects career etc.
You still need to want one though!

So women should have a baby in their 20s headifthehive because they may get cancer in their thirties?! Step away from the Daily Mail!

Somewhat rude of the OP not to come back, starting to agree with the journalist theory.

I must say, I read threads like this and wonder if I deviate so far from the norm as to be downright bizarre.

I was 36 when I had DD. I was/am a single parent (by choice) and I am not remotely tired, exhausted, worn down or any other adjectives that those on the wrong side of 35 are supposed to feel!

I've been saying this to my other half, although we are not in a rush to ever have another child but before I was pregnant I obsessed over not being able to get pregnant and I was only 20! But I hadn't Been able to conceive in the four years previous so it was playing on my mind

He's not wrong to have a preferred age to become a parent. He's also right that both of your fertility is likely to have peaked and is only going one way now. However, at 26 the odds are still overwhelmingly on your side and there are many other things you also need to consider. Like whether you're ready, or even if you want them at all.

You totally misunderstand jessie!
If you wish to gave a greater chance of children you should start earlier. That's simply a fact.

Really don't mind what anyone else does but if you want the greatest chance of having children it makes sense to start early.

I think he is being unreasonable in so much as he is putting pressure on you.

However, it isn't unreasonable to want to have a discussion about children, and come up with a compromise that you are both happy with.

Firstly: You need to work out if you actually want children at all. If you can't promise this, then it's only fair for him to know now and to decide what means more to him. Don't string him along if you know it's definitely not something you want.

Secondly: It could take you years to get pregnant, or it could happen first time. You won't know until you start ttcing. I doubt you would be eligible for fertility tests on the NHS at your age. Thing is, you have to be prepared for it to happen immediately. Also, this might be controversial, but you might need to stress that YOU are the one who actually has to go through with the pregnancy. Being pregnant involves huge life style changes, and obviously huge physical changes, not to mention a large number of medical tests, procedures (some invasive) and obviously birth. As the person to go through them, you need to be happy with that before you ttc.

Finally, I think you need a discussion about timescales and things you would want to do together before starting a family. Have you travelled? Is that something you want to do? Are you in a solid place career wise? Which one of you would take the brunt of childcare responsibility? Do you live somewhere suitable for a child? Could you afford a full time creche on your salaries? Who would give up work if not, and for how long?

Whose last name would the baby take if you aren't married? Does he presume it would be his? Would you want double barrelled? Would you want to be married first?

You need to work out if you are both looking for the same things.

Thanks everyone for the replies. I have been with DP for three years and living together for the past two. I do not think he has MH issues at all. I think saying he is obsessed with a baby might have made it sound worse than what it is. He is just very keen to start a family sooner rather than later. He has said he wouldn't mind staying at home himself to look after the baby if we did conceive. He wants to be as hands-on as possible.

We aren't married. I've hinted that I'd quite like to have an engagement ring on my finger but nothing has happened yet. I feel quite strongly that I would like to be married before ttc. I realise that lots of babies are born outside marriage, but I'd much prefer to be married before conceiving.

Have you told him that OP? If he's so keen to enter into the commitment of having a child with you then a ring should be no problem I'd have thought. Also, if you go into TTC with the expectation of him giving up work rather than you, make sure that is sorted well before the baby arrives.

Lots of good reasons to have children early. On the other hand, as an anecdote, I fell on the first time I had unprotected sex at the age of 39. I wouldn't have coped earlier in my life with a kid. One size does not fit all.

At your age, unless there are urgent threats to your fertility then check the relationship first. It's okay to say, 'I don't want to have kids if I'm not married. It is something that would protect us if anything happened to you.'

When you have a newborn you can end up utterly reliant on your partner. People can manage without it but there is nothing so stinging as being in pain, frightened, tired and seeing Himself fuck off for a night out while your left with a newborn. Do not underestimate the toll a baby takes in the first month or two, even for younger mothers. You need to feel safe in your relationship.

Lots of different information and opinions so sorry but here's another.

I lost 3 before having dd...at 28. But I fell pregnant very easily. First time on the pill', taking properly no antibiotics or anything.

Within my circle of friends I have extremes from one who fell while a teen completely unplanned through to 3 who 2 have had their first babies in last couple years one is pregnant (we're mid 40's). 2 of those had major fertility issues the 3rd has a chronic health condition which on the surface is unrelated but had a knock on effect. 3 have had stillbirths (though one was because of a drunk driver), 7 of us have had mc and of those 5 multiple mc. It's not just about conception. If someone goes through a mc, stillbirth, difficult birth for some reason they need time to recover.

I also agree about it being knackering.

BUT I'm concerned about you being pressured, if your dp has any real life experience of young babies, understands the financial, practical and emotional stress a baby brings.

I love my dd to pieces and would never be without her but...

Ex was an immature arse who did bugger all father wise. He expected me to have 6-week check and then 'the baby would fit round our life' and yes I was an idiot having a child with him.

Meanwhile several things might get across the seriousness of this to him

Letting him know as far as you're concerned you want the financial and legal protection of marriage first.

Get both your fertility checked and general health that may affect things.

'Borrow' a baby (or 3 ) for as long a period as possible so he can experience the practical realities - and don't you do all the childcare.

Work out what your budget would be while you were on may leave or if you left work, and live on it for a month? Good way to save for Christmas!

Review your contraception and protect yourself before the decision is out of your control.

If marriage is important to you before having children, don't compromise on that. Don't hint, tell him that's what has to happen. And don't settle for engagement either. It's just a promise and a sparkly ring (if you get one), which means nothing legally.

Did you say he has experience?

He has said he wouldn't mind staying at home himself to look after the baby if we did conceive. He wants to be as hands-on as possible

Could be meaningless if he has no idea.

Being home alone with a baby can be very lonely. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone long term.

If you think that you would be happy to have a baby with him in the next year or so but you want to be married first, then tell him that you will TTC once you are married. If he wants a baby with you that much then he will agree to marry you.
If he won't marry you but is still pestering for a baby, then there's something dodgy going on. He might want to prove his willy works, he might want to make sure you are tied to him, he might think that impregnating you is the best way of turning you into a domestic little woman who will admire and obey him... if he wants a baby but not a wife then he is pursuing an agenda of his own, probably at your expense.