DP thinks we should start TTCing urgently because our bio clocks are ticking. We are in our 20s. Is he BU?

[dpwantsababy]

My DP has become obsessed with the idea of having a baby. It started a few months ago. He has said that he doesn't want to wait until his 30s to have DCs because he doesn't like the idea of being an older father. His parents had him when they were in their late 30s. A few friends of ours have had babies recently and are constantly posting on facebook about how proud they are and how amazing their little ones are. I am not feeling broody at all though. I'm also not worried about my fertility at 26. DP keeps saying we'll regret it if we wait too long because we might run into problems conceiving. Is he right?

queen I earn 6 figures and am the director of my own company. I still enjoy the security of marriage.

If DH died and we weren't married we would have to pay inheritance tax of his half of our house in order for me to inherit his half. It's just basic financial planning that you are better off (take any romance out of it) to be married.

But then I'm an accountant and not everyone thinks of the finances. Maybe it doesn't bother you that if your partner was in an accident and on life support you aren't his next of kin. It would bother me that his parents would be the one to make those decisions on if to turn off support etc not me.

I haven't changed my name, I'm still ms, I don't flaunt my marriage or feel that I live in the 50s (in fact DH despite also earning 6 figures does more childcare than me) but it's basic common sense and protection.

His logic is flawed if he thinks that having a baby in his early thirties makes him an "older father". Have you pointed this out?

Frankly, unless he has also been very clear to you that he intends to spend the rest of his life with you (i.e. You're engaged or not married because of a mutual decision that marriage is not something you feel you need) then his behaviour smacks of seeing you as a baby- machine not a partner.

There are many pensions where a spouse is entitled to a widows pension but cohabiting couples aren't recognised.

Little things like getting insurance is often cheaper (car etc) if you tick the box that says married. There are tens of reasons why if you are planning to be together forever you should get married.

I can think of no reason not to. But let us not derail the thread I merely asked the op if she was married yet. The decision is up to her and for all we know maybe she's married already.

You need to feel ready yourself.

I'm currently 29w pregnant with a MUCH wanted baby. I started trying at 23 and took me 2 years to get first BFP.

But your life completely changes from the day you find out your expecting. No matter how supportive your dp is his life will not change until baby comes. If you don't feel ready now you really need to wait until you are 100% sure your ready. It's your body and your life that will be altered forever by just going along with his plan

IMHO, the final decision is yours as you are the one who will carry and give birth. And chances are that you will be primarily responsible for caring for the child, at least in early infancy if not always. A child is a 24/7 job and it's hard work. The very best work, infinitely rewarding, but hard. And it does change your life. Is he truly aware of all that bringing a child into the world entails? Or does he just think 'We'll have a baby' whilst unconsciously he sees YOU as having the primary care and it not really impacting his activities and lifestyle?

And I hate to be Debbie Downer, but it's also likely that you will be the one to be resident parent if your relationship hits the skids as it is a known fact that most men skip merrily off into their new life, paying little to no maintenance, leaving children to the care of their mothers. Not always, I know. But statistically probable. Are you prepared for that?

Having a child is a wonderful thing, the best thing ever to happen to me. I wouldn't change it for the world. I was 28 and 34 when my two were born. But I was enthusiastically ready and willing. I knew our lives would change and embraced it.

Just don't do this unless you are really, really sure.

How long have you been together?

Some men say they really want babies when they just want to have a hold over their gf.

And some young men are really enthusiastic about having kids because try have no idea what's actually involved in looking after them. The novelty wears off quite quickly and then they want to be with their mates.

I would be wary.

There are always 'frightening statistics' being published.

'if you want one child naturally, you need to have started by 32'

Really?

Yes, really. Things haven't changed much in that respect, we've known for a very long time that your chances of conceiving a healthy baby easily and quickly start to plummet, and I do mean plummet, after 35.

The fact that we now take IVF for granted as a fallback plan doesn't change that.

If you struggle to conceive on your own then there is more help and more likelihood of a favourable outcome than ever before. But the fact remains that your chances of conceiving on your own without medical intervention after 35 remain exactly as they ever were.

I think the majority of women over 35 manage to conceive quite happily WITHOUT IVF!

IVF is for couples with fertility problems, not women over the age of 35!

Some of those couples/women will have fertility problems.

your chances of conceiving a healthy baby easily and quickly start to plummet, and I do mean plummet, after 35.

Plummet?

Makes a change from 'falls off a cliff' I suppose.

Also, OP is 26 so she's got 9 years before her ovaries either and die overnight she turns 35.

You need to be ready. But I also wouldn't be too complacent about only being 26. I was just turned 27 when I started ttc, and I thank god I didn't leave it till later, as DD didn't arrive until I was nearly 32.

Is he in as much as a rush to get married? what's his proposal for who does/pays for the childcare?

I'm 27 weeks pregnant with my first at 34, I'll be 35 before it's born. I guess I better take it back seeing as I need to have started before 32.
Given that conceived easily I might even have a second in a couple of years.

You both need to feel ready, it has to be a joint decision.

Everyone is different had has different experiences. We began TTC when I was 26 and now at 31 I am finally pregnant. I had wanted to have my first baby before I was 30 but it wasn't to be. You take the hand that is dealt you, but I am so, so glad we began 'early'. My sister on the other hand skipped a pill and fell pregnant accidentally. You can't predict these things.

Also for what it's worth even now, after 4.5 years of trying and being desperate for a baby and being 31, I still have 'oh shit what have I done I'm not ready I can't do this!' moments. I don't think that ever changes!

Is he tying you to the home?

female fertility generally falls off a cliff after 35. This is why private fertility clinics don't let you do low cost IVF (where you donate some of your eggs in order to get cheaper IVF) after 35 cos they know it's highly unlikely that they'll get enough decent spare eggs from you. Add to this the fact that you might be unlucky and have worse than average fertility, you might struggle with miscarriage/still birth and recovering from them, NHS tends not to fund fertility treatment until you've been trying for a year, you might want more than one or two kids with a gap of 2 years between etc etc and it all starts to add up. It's not fair but science doesn't do fair unfortunately. And no doubt stupid, selfish people will tell you you have loads of time. People did that to me and I ignored them and listened to the science. Sorry I don't have a decent weblink to back me up, I just did so much research a few years ago that I know this is true.

Go to your GP who should give you a basic fertility test (this tests 3 things, AMH, ovarian reserve and something else, I can't remember the details, maybe AMH is ovarian reserve but i'm sure it tests 3 things). If you feel that this isn't enough info, you can pay a private fertility clinic to give you more in depth testing. I don't know what testing is available for men.
it's shit that women have such a short window in which to establish a career and find a decent partner. And we aren't even warned about it.

Oyster just because you conceived without any issues doesn't make it all a big lie.

No-one is saying you won't conceive, just that statistically your chances reduce for very year you are over 30 and by 35 they start to reduce more dramatically. Why are people only ever capable of seeing things in such black and white terms?

Despite what the stats say, most people get pregnant easily and naturally.

Most people, or most people over 35 trying for the first time?

Both.

This is (statistically) unlikely to affect hos career at this point in his life. That's not a 'con' for him. But what are his positives? Why does he want children?
More importantly do you want children? Do you want them in x years?
Deciding on children is more than a worry about fertility. Yes, unfortunately most people only find there's a problem when they've decided to try. BUT the internet gives you a skewed picture. Fertility issues are not as common as internet forums make it appear.
FWIW (my situation different to yours) I had my first child at 30 ("naturally" on first go). Second child at nearly 32 (we had 1 lot of sex in 3 cycles so). My (ex)H was my age and (despite his feelings) utterly ill prepared for parenthood. Too needy, too demanding, too selfish. He could not handle that I pit DC first (as is natural).
I am now 40. After a series of miscarriages last / this year. I am pregnant again with new partner. I get a lot of shit for being 'irresponsible' to have another child. Personally I know I've become a better adult/ patient person since my 30's. Buty career has definitely been affected.

You say he is "obsessed" with the idea and "keeps saying we'll regret it".
OP, run for the hills.

Take amummys post for example (congratulations by the way)

It took, if I've read that correctly, just over 4 years for her to conceive her first. Now that obviously massively pushes up the averages for everybody else - in the same way that we'd all look a lot richer if bill gates moved into our home town!

Whilst fertility does of course decline with age it is absolutely NOT the case that a woman goes to bed aged 34 and overnight, at some point between 11 pm and 1 am of turning 35, her ovaries leap off a cliff.

To be honest only someone with a very poor knowledge of biology would think this (and I only have a GCSE in it!)

It is scaremongering I have several female friends who have successfully conceive 2 children and they all started in mid to late 30s

Unless you physically have a problem which you can find out about

Eat well
Sleep well
Keep your weight down
Stay off caffeine
Don't smoke
Don't drink

Problem is today's UK women don't do all these things

""I think the majority of women over 35 manage to conceive quite happily WITHOUT IVF! ""

A lot need help to conceive and then that doesn't guarantee a baby, of course.

Recently a IVF consultant based in my home city of Liverpool called for a stop to NHS funded IVF for women who are struggling, purely because they've delayed conceiving, which she said is the majority of the people they've seen, in the last few years.

Everyone working in fertility seems to be calling for women to be given the information that if you wait until your over 35, you may have to except that you won't have a successful pregnancy.

But that's beside the point, the whole point is that the OP doesn't feel ready ttc.