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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

14 year old left alone in the dark

182 replies

peppercorns3 · 29/10/2015 14:49

So my 14 year old daughter asked if she could go in to town with some friends yesterday, one of whom I assume is her new ' boyfriend' although she would never tell me!
I told her she needed to be back at 6pm at the latest and reminded her that she never stays out alone.
At about 6.01 I got a message saying she was just waiting with 'said boy' until he was picked up and then would come straight home. I tried to call her a number of times to tell her to bring him back here rather than wait outside ( they were a 5 min walk away), but she didn't pick up her phone.
About 20 mins later she walked through the door after walking home alone.
AIBU to be cross 1: with her for allowing herself to be put in the position of being alone in the dark; 2: with the boy for leaving her to walk home alone in the dark and 3: with his parent for picking their child up and leaving mine alone in the dark??!
I know it was only a short walk, but still- things can happen even close to home!
I now feel worried because she is obviously not as sensible as I thought and I also feel bad because I am annoyed with this boy- who u haven't even met yet for not taking better care of my daughter!
Unreasonable?? X

OP posts:

Happfeet2911 · 30/10/2015 00:03

At 14, minus mobile phones, how the hell did we survive in the prehistoric times, YABVVU, you were either a saint or have a very bad memory!! They can get married at 16 but you worry about the girl coming home at 6.20pm, the same day!!

MistressMerryWeather · 30/10/2015 00:08

I thought the same, Wilson.

hackedoffnow · 30/10/2015 00:15

Op I agree it is unsafe.

WorraLiberty · 30/10/2015 00:28

I pick my dds up when it's dark. I don't care if that's being overprotective

If it's only 6pm and they're 14 years old, I think you should care if you're being overprotective.

Being overprotective is really nothing to be proud of. It's often much more to do with the parent projecting their own problems onto their teenagers.

I had friends with neurotic, over protective parents when I was a teenager, and all that managed to do was to turn them into convincing liars.

Who wants to be picked up by Mummy at 5pm in the winter, when you've been shopping with your mates and they all get to go home normally?

Senpai · 30/10/2015 02:18

14 year olds get abducted and raped in broad daylight too. It's not a night time thing that suddenly brings out all the "spoopy people". If you live in a dangerous area, that's one thing. But at 6pm in a safe neighborhood, she's in no more danger than she is at 2 in the afternoon.

Atenco · 30/10/2015 03:12

I pick my dds up when it's dark. I don't care if that's being overprotective

I think most of us understand the desire to keep our children safe from every possible danger, but we are here as their parents to teach how to become adults, which means that from pre-teens to late teens we gradually let them take control of their own lives and learn how to deal with life's problems. Otherwise we send them out into the world totally unequipped.

GruntledOne · 30/10/2015 07:45

verystressedmum, when are you going to stop picking your teenagers up in the dark? When they're 16? Why will they be in less danger then? When they're 18? How will you prevent them going out after dark at 17 and refusing to tell you where to pick them up from? When they're 25?

Lightbulbon · 30/10/2015 07:58

It's not a carefree childhood if you've installed in their an irrational fear of the dark.

Kids get raped/abducted/murdered in the daytime too.

It's not the dark that's dangerous. It's the criminals.

maxxytoe · 30/10/2015 08:17

My curfew was 10pm at 14 you need to calm down

BertrandRussell · 30/10/2015 08:35

"Kids get raped/abducted/murdered in the daytime too."

Except they don't, actually. Except at the hands of members of their families, usually in their family homes or in the homes of relations.

Enjolrass · 30/10/2015 09:03

There could be reasons the boy's parents didn't give her a lift.

She refused, despite them offering

They didn't know she was there, he is hiding her as much as she is hiding him

She could have said you were on your way.

He may not have walked her home because she didn't want you peeping at her, she didn't want you asking questions or meeting him.

Or they didn't want his parents to know they are bf and gf.

Given that you are this upset about 5min walk at 6pm. I can see why.

I can also understand her ignoring your phone calls, I bet she knew exactly what you were going to say

My mum was over protective and can tell you, teenagers learn to avoid situations where you know too much and will try and keep you out of their lives.

Enjolrass · 30/10/2015 09:33

Except they don't, actually. Except at the hands of members of their families, usually in their family homes or in the homes of relations.

Really? What about April Jones? Or Jamie burger?

Look I think the OP is being over protective. But let's not go the other way and pretend that children are only ever at risk from their own family.

GruntledOne · 30/10/2015 09:52

And indeed Megan Russell, Keith Bennett and Lesley-Ann Downey.

lifesalongsong · 30/10/2015 10:00

The fact that we remember cases like April Jones and Jamie Bulger is exactly because they are so rare they make the news.

I don't think anyone is saying that stranger incidents don't happen just that they likelihood of them happening to a 14 year old on a 5 minute walk at 6pm is miniscule.

Being overprotective can lead to issues for children in later life, I don't see it as something to be proud of

cece · 30/10/2015 10:01

At 14 I used to walk our dog around the park at about 8pm in the dark. Then walk the 5 minutes home through dark streets.

Enjolrass · 30/10/2015 10:05

The fact that we remember cases like April Jones and Jamie Bulger is exactly because they are so rare they make the news.

I didn't say they were rare I was saying that when bert posted

Except they don't, actually. Except at the hands of members of their families, usually in their family homes or in the homes of relations.

note the use of 'except they don't' and 'except at the hands of their family'

That sounds very much like 'stranger incidents don't happen' to me.

It's doesn't say 'usually' or 'more at risk from their own family'.

I also have said the op she is over protective and what will happen. Her teen will withdraw more and more.

Enjolrass · 30/10/2015 10:06

I didn't say they weren't rare

GruntledOne · 30/10/2015 10:09

lifesalongsong, I think you've misunderstood the point about the references to April Jones and Jamie Bulger - as I understand it, they were mentioned in the context of children who had been attacked in daytime, i.e. to make the point that telling your child that they can't be out after dark isn't any guarantee of safety.

MrsJayy · 30/10/2015 10:25

Jame Bulger was a toddler April jones knew the man who murdered her pointing out these terrible crimes is not really helpful i know you were trying to say things happen in daylight butit does not really fit here imo.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 30/10/2015 11:05

We've established the OP is suffering from some kind of anxiety. I really think posts listing terrible tragedies will not be helpful to her.

MrsJayy · 30/10/2015 11:09

Yeah this ^

Original poster

peppercorns3 · 30/10/2015 11:39

Ok, I get the point that I'm over protective- I thought the point of mumsnet was to air concerns and get advice- not to get branded a bad mother!
I'm not sure how we go from me worrying about my daughter to me not having a good relationship with her!!
She regularly brings friends to the house- boys and girls ( and yes, if it is dark they get picked up or I bring them home!). She went to the park yesterday with this boy ( and others) and they all popped round to ours for a quick drink before going out again.
I feel as if she is keener on this boy than any other, but she is not ready to share that yet- that's fine, I respect that! I don't have a problem with the 'boyfriend' thing because it is something she has control of and a say in. we have talked about limits and respect for herself and I very much trust her with this.

I am very protective- I get that and I will try to rein it in. Thank you!

OP posts:

Atenco · 30/10/2015 11:46

I certainly don't worry about crimes that there is a big fuss about, because they are the extremely rare ones. When they are common they aren't even reported.

longtimelurker101 · 30/10/2015 11:46

I think OP you need to think about how your own anxieties will effect your kids in future. 14 year olds being out at 6 pm in the dark 5 minutes away are in the same danger that they are at 6pm in summer time 5 minutes away.

verystressedmum · 30/10/2015 20:06

My dds are 14 and 15 they have a lot of freedom and are out all over the place, on trains to the city etc all the time.
My 15 year old has been out since about 3pm today in the town and she's now at the cinema (her and her friend walked there from the town in the dark) I'll be picking her up when she's ready.
Why would she home on her own in the dark just to prove that I'm not overprotective

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