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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14 year old left alone in the dark

182 replies

peppercorns3 · 29/10/2015 14:49

So my 14 year old daughter asked if she could go in to town with some friends yesterday, one of whom I assume is her new ' boyfriend' although she would never tell me!
I told her she needed to be back at 6pm at the latest and reminded her that she never stays out alone.
At about 6.01 I got a message saying she was just waiting with 'said boy' until he was picked up and then would come straight home. I tried to call her a number of times to tell her to bring him back here rather than wait outside ( they were a 5 min walk away), but she didn't pick up her phone.
About 20 mins later she walked through the door after walking home alone.
AIBU to be cross 1: with her for allowing herself to be put in the position of being alone in the dark; 2: with the boy for leaving her to walk home alone in the dark and 3: with his parent for picking their child up and leaving mine alone in the dark??!
I know it was only a short walk, but still- things can happen even close to home!
I now feel worried because she is obviously not as sensible as I thought and I also feel bad because I am annoyed with this boy- who u haven't even met yet for not taking better care of my daughter!
Unreasonable?? X

OP posts:
M00nUnit · 29/10/2015 15:50

I hope you haven't given your poor daughter too hard a time over this. She's done nothing wrong at all!

cailindana · 29/10/2015 15:52

I was staying out till at least 10 when I was 14 - going to the cinema, having a drink in the pub Blush

myotherusernameisbetter · 29/10/2015 15:56

I was out working and coming home on the last bus from the city centre at age 15 and I didn't live in a nice area.

SurlyCue · 29/10/2015 15:57

Havent read the responses.

I dont think there was a parent or a lift.

They werent 5 minutes away

They were of somewhere else snogging. Somewhere you wouldnt let her go.

She made up the story about the other parent and lift to give her time to walk back from where she was.

You've been duped and you've bought it.

weegiemum · 29/10/2015 16:02

My dc are 11,13 and 15. It's a 10 minute walk from the bus stop to home and tonight it will be after 5 until the bus gets here, so close to dark. Another couple of weeks and it will be dark by 4 (Scotland).

We don't live in the most salubrious area of Glasgow but I'm not about to start controlling my dc to all get the bus together (there are loads of buses to our area, ds prefers a different route to his sisters as his friends go that way, both of the girls travel with mates and sometimes stop off in the city centre). So from now, even dd2 (11) will walk home alone form the bus down a well-lit street. She might even be later if she goes to her friends house.

I can't pick them up, I'm disabled and unable to drive. Dh works long hours. They've got used to getting themselves around Glasgow (trip to school involves changing buses in the city centre) and while I'd not be best pleased if they were bussing it when the pubs let out, I tend to err on the side of they know what they're doing and I get dd1 (15) a taxi if she's late home from her boyfriends house. Which, as we aren't stupid about it, she's been happy to talk to me about since they got together, no sneaking around.

So I think OP is being vvu about this - if your 14 year old can't walk 5 mins home in the dark then there is something seriously wrong!

M00nUnit · 29/10/2015 16:07

I did an evening and Sunday morning paper round at the age of 14 (which admittedly was 26 years ago but I still don't think it's that unusual). In the winter that meant walking around on my own in the dark. No big deal at all!

JoySzasz · 29/10/2015 16:13

I'm confused about the relaxed attitude about the boyfriend, and the nervousness about the light.
No judgement from me though, only you know your daughter and your area.
MN is chocablock with very, very laid back parents. They aren't always visible, but a thread will bring them out of hiding. Wink don't go away from this thread feeling wretched.
My 17 year old is free to roam (obviously) however, our rule is that if he changes from his original time home, he is to text me. There is no need to come home, but there is always a need for good manners!

OooooohMissDiane · 29/10/2015 16:14

Bloody he'll there are some weird people on here at the mo. Of course it's ok for her to walk at 6pm, c'mon.....Really?

BreadPitt · 29/10/2015 16:20

Please don't do this to your DD. I had a Mother that wouldn't allow me out alone after dark until I was 16. There was a lot more to it than that but being unable to spend time with friends and effectively being stifled led to a complete breakdown in our relationship and me walking out aged 18.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 29/10/2015 16:21

I'm not as laid back as some posters on here.

When ds3 comes back from football at night, light or dark, he always texts me when he's leaving, that's just our thing.

When ds1 and 2 [20 and 18] are home from Uni and out on the lash I do expect a text from them [if they're walking home alone] just to say 'I'm on my way home' whatever time it is.

purplefizz26 · 29/10/2015 16:22

I think the boys parents could have offered a lift, I certainly would have, but only out of politeness.

At 6pm and 14 years old, 5 minutes walk away from home I wouldn't be worried. Cut her some slack!

Gruntfuttock · 29/10/2015 16:23

"I think the boys parents could have offered a lift, I certainly would have, but only out of politeness."

Maybe they did offer, but the DD said no.

LisbethSalandersLaptop · 29/10/2015 16:25

maybe they havent got a car...Confused

NerrSnerr · 29/10/2015 16:28

I wouldn't have accepted a lift if it was 5 minutes away, I'd have enjoyed the walk (especially after the snogging session she probably just had). What is going to happen when it gets darker earlier? Will she have to be home by 4?

Arfarfanarf · 29/10/2015 16:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purplefizz26 · 29/10/2015 16:29

"Could have"

As in they could have offered a lift, might have, might not, my point was that it's not the end if the world if they didn't. They didn't leave the DD in a horrific dangerous situation if they didn't offer a lift.

Gruntfuttock · 29/10/2015 16:30

maybe they havent got a car.

Oh, I didn't think of that. So when she said they were waiting for the boy to be picked up, they meant literally. Now I'm wondering whether they gave him a fireman's lift or a piggyback.

BoreOfWhabylon · 29/10/2015 16:32

mrsmilktray · 29/10/2015 16:33

Perhaps there was no room in their car?
Or perhaps they just thought that giving someone a lift for such a short distance was a bit pointless?

Obs2015 · 29/10/2015 16:36

Op?
She's presumably gone off to be overprotective!!

pearpotter · 29/10/2015 16:38

The not answering her phone is more of an issuing than the walking in the dark

She got in touch at 6pm then was home twenty minutes later - why call in between? It's not like she rolled in at 2.20am.

Bloomsberry · 29/10/2015 16:39

Honestly, OP, I thought from the thread title that this was about a four year old left to cry themselves to sleep in a strange bedroom or something, before I realised I'd misread the age, and gathered that it was about a 14 year old being outdoors at six in the evening. Honestly?

Imnotaslimjim · 29/10/2015 16:40

You sound like my mother was, and I hated it. She is going to rebel big time as soon as she figures it out. She'll be extremely embarrassed around her friends as I would imagine they're out much later. Loosen up a little and you'll find she has a lot more respect for you

Narp · 29/10/2015 16:41

As SurleyCue says, there's something here that doesn't add up.

If there were parents I'd be surprised if they didn't offer her a lift

And you are over-protective but I wonder if there's a reason for that?

dotdotdotmustdash · 29/10/2015 16:41

When my Dd was 14 she was give a place in a national music organisation which rehearsed in a major city 50 miles away. She had to be there once a month on a Friday evening and all day Saturday and Sunday. It involved getting into the bus station and a 15-20 min walk through the town centre.

I was worried about it, but it was a fabulous opportunity so I rehearsed it with her the first time and the first few times kept in phone contact with her for most of her walk.

Two years on and she's still doing it, and doing it confidently. The whole experience has helped her to grow up to be a resourceful and independent girl. Of course there are risks, but there are always going to be risks with everything and you can't remove them, you can only let the leash go slowly and gain confidence in your child.

A five minute walk in a familiar area at 6pm is entirely within normal limits for a 14yr old.