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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

14 year old left alone in the dark

182 replies

peppercorns3 · 29/10/2015 14:49

So my 14 year old daughter asked if she could go in to town with some friends yesterday, one of whom I assume is her new ' boyfriend' although she would never tell me!
I told her she needed to be back at 6pm at the latest and reminded her that she never stays out alone.
At about 6.01 I got a message saying she was just waiting with 'said boy' until he was picked up and then would come straight home. I tried to call her a number of times to tell her to bring him back here rather than wait outside ( they were a 5 min walk away), but she didn't pick up her phone.
About 20 mins later she walked through the door after walking home alone.
AIBU to be cross 1: with her for allowing herself to be put in the position of being alone in the dark; 2: with the boy for leaving her to walk home alone in the dark and 3: with his parent for picking their child up and leaving mine alone in the dark??!
I know it was only a short walk, but still- things can happen even close to home!
I now feel worried because she is obviously not as sensible as I thought and I also feel bad because I am annoyed with this boy- who u haven't even met yet for not taking better care of my daughter!
Unreasonable?? X

OP posts:

financialwizard · 29/10/2015 16:44

Seriously my 14 year old (boy mind) is out until 10/11pm on a weekend and I expect him to walk from town which is over 20 minutes away. Well actually he has to because I have a 5 year old normally in bed by then. Honestly your daughter is only 4 years away from being an adult, let her learn some independence for goodness sake.

BertrandRussell · 29/10/2015 16:52

"Seriously my 14 year old (boy mind) is out until 10/11pm on a weekend and I expect him to walk from town which is over 20 minutes away."

Wow- really????? And I thought I was laid back!

CremeEggThief · 29/10/2015 16:55

Em, it's going to be dark soon at 4 p.m. My 13 year old will be going to and coming back from school in the dark.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 29/10/2015 16:57

I think we have extremes here, the op and financialwizard I wouldn't let my 14 year old walk around a town at 11.00pm. I also would allow it at 6.

Strokethefurrywall · 29/10/2015 16:58

Oh look. The OP has done a runner.

Original poster

peppercorns3 · 29/10/2015 17:00

Yes, and some of you have hinted towards, maybe I am very VERY aware of dangers and the fact that time and place have nothing to do with it.
Maybe that's why I wanted to check myself against other parents to make sure this did not cloud my view too much.
Just to clarify- she doesn't have a particular 'curfew' (6pm yesterday was because of a prior arrangement). Just needs to not be on her own after dark.
Thank you for your comments, I will not be too hard on her- I love her and my other children very much and just want them to have a happy, safe, carefree childhood.

OP posts:

JoySzasz · 29/10/2015 17:04

I'm sure it will all be okay op. 14 is a tricky age (in my experience) as your daughter grows it will be easier, as she will mature and give you more confidence (about freedom)

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/10/2015 17:05

OK OP, I think even before you came back I knew there was a reason behind your thinking and that's fine, you don't have to share it here.

But the thing that caused your thinking isn't 'the dark'. Maybe something bad once happened to you in the dark, but it wasn't the dark that caused it. Lots of bad things happen at night. Lots of bad things happen in the day. The thing is to keep those anxieties at bay and actively teach your DCs how to make their own judgements about risk.

DD obviously felt safe. That's good. Keep working on that.

You would absolutely not BU to have a good discussion with her about answering her phone when she's late though - because that is something that will help keep your anxiety in check and ultimately she will get more freedom if she is rock-solid reliable about answering her phone.

JoySzasz · 29/10/2015 17:10

Exactly, totally agree with wilson if Ds17 hadn't been so responsible with his text messages, he wouldn't have had half the freedoms he enjoyed. It is imperative your daughter gets that. A simple (couple of words) message is all it takes!

titchy · 29/10/2015 17:16

I don't think you've listened to what anyone has said OP - you still don't want her out alone in the dark, so after 4pm......

BertrandRussell · 29/10/2015 17:18

"Just to clarify- she doesn't have a particular 'curfew' (6pm yesterday was because of a prior arrangement). Just needs to not be on her own after dark."

You really can't stick to this. How is she going to get home in the winter if she's not allowed to be on her own after dark?

WorraLiberty · 29/10/2015 17:20

How can you have a carefree childhood, if your parent wont let you out alone after 4.30pm alone, at the age of fourteen?

You might end up putting the fear of God into her.

What happens if she wants to get herself a part time job or something?

Will she have to be ferried home, even if it's only 6pm or so?

itsmeohlord · 29/10/2015 17:25

OP and MT Pumpkin, just when will you let your children out on their own after 6pm.

My kids were certainly out at 6pm in the dark on occasion. At only four years older than your daughter, mine went to Australia for a year on her own.

NerrSnerr · 29/10/2015 17:27

She may also be leaving home in under 4 years, she might also get a job at 16. Is it sustainable for her not to be allowed out in the dark? I was often walking home from lectures at 6.30pm, often later if I had been to the library, a friends house, the pub, for tea or any other reason.

itsmeohlord · 29/10/2015 17:27

A Carefree childhood........ she needs to take off on her bike at 8am and not return unitl 8pm, not be told that on a winters day she will need to be in by 3:30pm.

lifesalongsong · 29/10/2015 17:28

How far away is your daughter's school? Do you pick her up every day? By December it's dark by the time my child's school bus gets back so they have walked home since starting secondary school.

The only thing that I think is a genuine concern is cross roads in dark clothing. If you are worrying about anything else imo your perception of risk skewed, statistically your daughter was probably at more risk is she's taken the lift.

The above is valid unless you live in some kind of danger zone that you haven't mentioned.

howabout · 29/10/2015 17:29

Be careful with "just not on her own". I would be very uncomfortable with leading my dd to feel she had to stay with people she was uncomfortable with
eg what if the boy in question had been pressuring her?

Goldmandra · 29/10/2015 17:30

Be cross with her for not being home in time for whatever it was you had arranged but not with anyone for leaving her alone in the dark at tea time, five minutes from home.

MrsJayy · 29/10/2015 17:31

But she is going to come of an age when she has to be alone in the dark do you expect her friends to walk her to the gate if they are all out together do you really think somebody should be with her at all times? Dd is at college till 4 .30 gets home at 6.30 its dark but she is 17 is that an ok age to be on your own after dark. In a few weeks kids are going to walking home from school in the dark. I get you want her to be safe but to insist she is never alone will only frighten her.

Scoobydoo8 · 29/10/2015 17:31

I can understand you being anxious but imo it might boost her confidence a bit. DCs surely need to know how to walk in the dark. What happens is you become much more aware of your surroundings, listening hard for eg footsteps behind you - it's good practice.

BertrandRussell · 29/10/2015 17:56

"Be cross with her for not being home in time for whatever it was you had arranged but not with anyone for leaving her alone in the dark at tea time, five minutes from home."

But she texted at 6 saying she would be home very soon and was home at 6.20! That's fine, surely?

GruntledOne · 29/10/2015 18:01

I'd expect the boy's parents to have given her a lift back. It's the polite thing to do.

Seriously, Fairylea? For a 5 minute walk? I wouldn't dream of expecting that.

BertrandRussell · 29/10/2015 18:03

I would be cross with one of mine if I discovered that they hadn't politely declined a lift for a 5 minute walk unless it was absolutely on the way they were going............

Marynary · 29/10/2015 18:12

I consider myself to be very protective compared with some but I wouldn't have an issue with a 14 year old walking in the dark as long as there were plenty of other people around.
The fact that its is dark is fairly irrelevant surely? The issue is whether it is a time of day when other people are around. For example, I would be happier to walk around at 6 .pm. in the dark during winter than I would be at 5 a.m. in the daylight in the summer.

MinesAPintOfTea · 29/10/2015 18:14

Statistically she's safer alone. And sir's much safer if confident to leave a situation which feels uncomfortable, even when its dark outside.

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