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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14 year old left alone in the dark

182 replies

peppercorns3 · 29/10/2015 14:49

So my 14 year old daughter asked if she could go in to town with some friends yesterday, one of whom I assume is her new ' boyfriend' although she would never tell me!
I told her she needed to be back at 6pm at the latest and reminded her that she never stays out alone.
At about 6.01 I got a message saying she was just waiting with 'said boy' until he was picked up and then would come straight home. I tried to call her a number of times to tell her to bring him back here rather than wait outside ( they were a 5 min walk away), but she didn't pick up her phone.
About 20 mins later she walked through the door after walking home alone.
AIBU to be cross 1: with her for allowing herself to be put in the position of being alone in the dark; 2: with the boy for leaving her to walk home alone in the dark and 3: with his parent for picking their child up and leaving mine alone in the dark??!
I know it was only a short walk, but still- things can happen even close to home!
I now feel worried because she is obviously not as sensible as I thought and I also feel bad because I am annoyed with this boy- who u haven't even met yet for not taking better care of my daughter!
Unreasonable?? X

OP posts:
chrome100 · 29/10/2015 18:18

YABU. It was 6pm, not midnight.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 29/10/2015 18:36

Why do you think she needs a blanket rule to be in before dark?

Marynary · 29/10/2015 18:36

Statistically she's safer alone

Really? Are you suggesting that people are safer walking around by themselves vs. being with friends?

MinesAPintOfTea · 29/10/2015 18:44

Safer alone than with a boyfriend. Most sexual assults aren't strangers and feeling she has to be walked home is a vulnerability

AnyFucker · 29/10/2015 18:50

A young girl is statistically more likely to get attacked by someone she knows than by a stranger

So yes, in that context she is safer alone

I have always been a year or two behind in what I allow my kids to do relative to their peers, but this sounds too over protective to me

Georgethesecond · 29/10/2015 18:53

Hi OP. I think it's fine. DS2 went to see the Bond film while I was at work today (I have an older DS as well). He went on his own by public transport, met his friends at the cinema, and came back on his own between 5.20 and 6.10. The public transport will have been busy and we live 2 mins from the stop. I was home at 5.00. He let me know when the film finished and when he got on/ off public transport (he had to change). It was the first time he had done it alone in the dark, but he has done it alone before. It's ok I think.

Georgethesecond · 29/10/2015 18:53

Sorry. The point being, he's 14!

MrsJayy · 29/10/2015 21:20

When my dds were that age and hanging about or out with friends they would all walk together then break off to walk home thats all that happened op her friend went home and it was just 5 minutes away she did text you and let you know.

Goldmandra · 29/10/2015 21:38

But she texted at 6 saying she would be home very soon and was home at 6.20! That's fine, surely?

I guess that depends whether being home 20 mins late caused a problem with whatever the arrangements were.

I wouldn't be cross with her for being home at 6.20 unless she was aware that she was making someone or something late.

MrsJayy · 29/10/2015 21:48

I would be annoyed at lateness if she had to be in at 6 nothing to do with being alone in the dark though

Atenco · 29/10/2015 21:52

I understand your worries, OP, but she is getting closer and closer to grown up and only has a very short period of time left to learn how to handle herself on her own.

I live in Mexico where some people can be completely madly overprotective, though we have all sorts. My dd had a 16-year-old friend who wasn't allowed to the corner, even during the day, without her mother chaperoning her. Sure enough when she hit 18 and the apron-strings were loosened she got in with the wrong type of people and made a bit of a mess of her life.

financialwizard · 29/10/2015 22:20

Yes I allow my 14 year old son to hang around at Youth Club or go to Army Cadets on the respective nights they are on in town which is a mile ish away from our home. We do live relatively rurally, and tbf to him he will normally take his push bike but he is quite mature and sensible and5'8"andbuiltlikeabrick so I trust him to do his thing and come back.

He has never come back drunk, drugged, been brought home by police or been attacked thus far so I trust him to make a judgement call.

The only thing I insist on is that his mobile is charged and switched on. We both have locators on our mobiles.

I was far more mischievous at his age.

GreenFinnedDemon · 29/10/2015 22:35

YABU I was going to nightclubs/gigs at 13 in inner city Manchester. It was the 80s too no mobile phones...shock horror.

Like another poster said loosen the apron strings or your gonna have big problems.

GreenPetal94 · 29/10/2015 22:52

So when the clocks change do all the hardened criminals creep around in the late afternoon. Of course not. In our house (City centre, lots of street lights) it's the time of night we worry about, not the darkness. So I would be a bit worried about letting my 14 year old son walk around alone later than 10pm. My 12 year old son walks back from an activity at 8pm.

You don't want to set your children up to be terrified of the dark or they are going to lead boring adult lives in the winter.

BackforGood · 29/10/2015 22:56

I have to agree with the majority.
I wouldn't have a problem with either of my dds (one is 14) doing a 5 min walk home at 6pm.
YABU and OTT, IMO.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 29/10/2015 23:00

I don't think they were waiting for his parents. I think she just wanted to stay a bit longer with him on their own, which is exactly why she didn't answer the phone!

^ this

Marynary · 29/10/2015 23:10

A young girl is statistically more likely to get attacked by someone she knows than by a stranger

Young girls are more likely to be attacked by people they know than strangers because they spend more time with people they know vs. strangers in situations where they might be vulnerable.

This should not be translated to mean that it is safer to walk home by yourself or with a complete stranger than someone you know!

MistressMerryWeather · 29/10/2015 23:14

My best friends mum was like this when we were teenagers.

My God, the lies we ended up telling so she wouldn't worry/my friend wouldn't get into trouble.

I look back now and feel terrible but it was the only was my friend could be even slightly independent.

clary · 29/10/2015 23:25

Really? My DD (14) walks home alone (about 5 mins) from Guides every week at 9pm. (so ragged, I am answering your question there! Almost all the girls walk home alone or maybe in twos if they live the same way.)

My DD also does a paper round in the morning - a week ago she was certainly doing that in the dark and she will be again come December. (she starts it about 7am)

DS2 is 12 and walks home from Scouts at 9.30 (same distance as Guides!) Sometimes I fetch him, sometimes his 16yo brother does. Sometimes he walks with a friend. It's all fine IMHO and we will check what he wants us to do (eg "if it's raining can you driiiiive???")

They all live here and have lived here all her life. It's a residential neighbourhood where they know someone in about every fourth house anyway. If I honestly felt DD or the boys could not walk around their manor in the dark confidently and in safety I would be really angry. But in fact she can. And assuming you are talking about a similar situation OP, so can your DD. The dark, as someone else says, is not as such dangerous.

verystressedmum · 29/10/2015 23:39

I pick my dds up when it's dark. I don't care if that's being overprotective.

AnnaMarlowe · 29/10/2015 23:55

The OP doesn't actually say who was picking the boy up.

At 14 he might have been being picked up by an older sibling.

Would everyone have been so keen for the girl to hop in with the boyfriend if his lift had been his 17 yo brother and mates?

Happfeet2911 · 29/10/2015 23:56

Jesus h Christ woman, where do you live - Helmand province?? At 14 I was rampaging round the west end, trying to blag my way into nightclubs and all sorts of teenage misbehaviour. Is she some sort of saint? You really, really, really need to get out more and get drunk occasionally yourself!

Happfeet2911 · 29/10/2015 23:58

What's with this phobia about the dark, do all the perverts hibernate until the end of October??

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/10/2015 23:59

Despite my earlier post which was pretty supportive, something's been niggling me - if it's not ok for your DD to be out on her own in the dark, why is it ok for the boy to walk her home then to walk back on his own? Boys are actually more at risk of mugging/attack/generally getting into bother.

AnnaMarlowe · 30/10/2015 00:03

My Mum was very wise, she always recognised that there was nothing that we could get up to in the dark at midnight that we couldn't just as easily do at 3pm on a sunny day.

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