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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that FIL thinks DH works his fingers to the bone whilst I do nothing?

107 replies

MagicalMischief · 29/10/2015 13:00

I am sick of FIL's attitude. Every time I see FIL if DH isn't there or isn't in the room, FIL goes on about how hard DH works and that he hopes I appreciate it. DH works full time. I am self employed and work full time and more hours besides, quite often around the DCs. We earn roughly the same.

I am at home this week as it is half term and on Monday FIL popped round. He started up with his usual spiel of asking where DH is working this week (DH travels around sometimes), then saying how hard DH works and that he hopes I appreciate it. This time rather than taking it I said "Actually I work hard too". He ignored me and carried on so I did the broken record technique and after 3 or 4 times he said "Well yes but DH keeps the family afloat financially, you don't work properly". I then said that yes, I do work 'properly' and I do keep us afloat financially too, and he then went on and on about how DH's job is harder and how it's 'always harder for the man than the woman'.

So I walked out of the room. When I went back into the room he changed the subject.

I am just sick of it all. I told DH about it and he wasn't too happy that I answered back to his dad and said that his dad means well!!

OP posts:

sooperdooper · 29/10/2015 13:02

Good for you for speaking up, it'd get on my nerves too - I'd also question why your DH wasn't happy with your reply, it was just factual!!

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 29/10/2015 13:03

Smile and nod, smile and nod. Let him think what he wants.

My mum is exactly the same and ive decided I couldn't give a fuck what she thinks. It's annoying though and I did lose it when she started saying that the house is a tip and she doesn't know how my Dh can stand living in it.

I rather hotly pointed out that firstly it wasn't that bad, that I work as well and if Dh was bothered about the house not being a show home he could bloody well do something about it.

ConfusedInBath · 29/10/2015 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OffMyAyersRocker · 29/10/2015 13:06

Good for you! My GP used to say how my df raised dsis and me as dm worked full time

Um no, dm worked ft, minded the house AND dsis and I! If l could have just a quarter of her energy.

I did set GP straight one day, to their

AnnaMarlowe · 29/10/2015 13:06

His Dad means well? Ah well then it's completely fine for him to repeatedly belittle you in your own home then.

trollkonor · 29/10/2015 13:07

How very dare you answer back to a man who has come round to be rude to you I hope you baked him a cake and made him a cuppa, he must be exhausted after all he too has had years or life being harder for him.

SaucyJack · 29/10/2015 13:08

YABU. You should be kissing the floor and hailing the all-mighty peen.

MitzyLeFrouf · 29/10/2015 13:11

I told DH about it and he wasn't too happy that I answered back to his dad and said that his dad means well!!

Cut from the same cloth I'll bet.

Tell your FIL to swivel on it next time he comes out with this 'I hope you appreciate it' horse shit.

OutToGetYou · 29/10/2015 13:11

Dp's dad does this. Also makes "hilarious" jokes about my driving and cooking. Takes it upon himself to mansplain to me, randomly, how to use a clutch. He's never actually been in the car when I've been driving nor eaten anything I have cooked.

I lost it when he asked, just after we moved in together "how much did dp pay for this house?". I made it very clear that we both bought the house and in fact I paid more.

Usually I just ignore it all but it does mean I end up barely speaking when he's there. Dp says his family think I am miserable. I am around them!

bloodyteenagers · 29/10/2015 13:12

Next time.
You feeling ok fil? It's just you seem to be repeating the same rubbish over and over and as we keep explaining I work and earn what dh earns.

The next time, oh fil I really think we should take you to the gp's. Seems like you aren't getting any better.

Or, next time.. If you have come here to spout you sexist outdated shite again, then do us both a favor, turn round and get out of my house. FYI, I work actually harder than your precious son. Not only do I work full time, I don't whilst taking care of the kids and all the housework. If you think I have it easy, here's a suggestion l, take over my life for a week.

Fuckingfuming82 · 29/10/2015 13:15

My fil is like this too!
He constantly makes digs, expects me to put the kettle on and comments on my housekeeping.

I wor full time and dp is a stay at home dad. Yet fil thinks I should be the one to sort the kids and home.

Stupid shit stain he is.

SweetAdeline · 29/10/2015 13:17

As a start I wouldn't have him round when dh isn't there.
But I think your dh is completely out of order too. Do you think he agrees with your fil?

runlulurun · 29/10/2015 13:19

My guess is that he feels like he was under-appreciated for all the hard work he did thus he keeps banging this particular drum.

How about asking a direct question like 'Is that how you felt then?' next time he brings it up. Give him the opportunity to say how hard he worked and he might stop going on about it. You never know!

PragmaticWench · 29/10/2015 13:21

My FIL regularly tells me that the husband's salary should pay for the home/bills/car etc. If the wife works, which is frowned upon, then her income should be saved for little treats and extras like holidays for the family.

I've tried telling him that the average mortgage needs two incomes these days, or that some women earn more than men but he just can't accept it.

I've said it gently and see no need to say it with more force, it's not going to improve our relationship if he finally 'get's it'.

SilverBirchWithout · 29/10/2015 13:23

The thing is you will never change his opinion. He wants to think of his DS as the manly breadwinner and you just working for pin money. (Who were this women with wondrous collections of pins ). For him this is as the world should be and he wants to be proud of his DS. IN some way he is also in denial, as for him the fact his DIL needing to also work to keep the family going is something he feels a tad ashamed about.

Well that's the patient understanding bit over with. He is a fucking mysoginistic dinosaur.

harryhausen · 29/10/2015 13:36

Omg my MIL is like this.

Both me and dh are self employed and have been for 20+ years. The difference dh works long contracts that are outside the home and I have a garden office outside the house. I deal with Dcs, schools, shopping, cooking and I often work well into the night to catch up on my hours. Dh does all the laundry and cleaning. My work has been regular for years and years. For our first house, it was my money that was the deposit. These days I earn pretty much the same as DH.

Every time we see PIL my MIL asks if I'm 'busy with work' (I always am). She exclaims how awful, messy, cluttered the house is. She even ran her finger over the mantelpiece once! If dh ever has a period of time between contracts she throws her hands in the air in a drama "oh no! What ARE you going do?? How will you all survive??" When dh or I point out that I'm still working and it will all work out fine she'll roll her eyes and say something like "yes, but Dh's is the real job and we couldn't possibly manage on Harry's little job".

It bugs the bejesus out of me.

WorkingBling · 29/10/2015 13:40

I'd be more annoyed with your dh really! I am main breadwinner. Dh is always super quick to point out to people that disparaging remarks about me/ work are ridiculous. Too quick sometimes, bless him!

Paddingtonsmarmaladesandwiches · 29/10/2015 13:43

Oh my Fil was like this for years, that I should appreciate how hard my DH worked to give us nice things, our lovely home etc etc. One particularly sleep deprived grumpy morning, whilst I was on Mat leave, I snapped and told him that I earned significantly more than DH, always had, always will and that whilst it wasn't an issue for us, he was embarrassing DH. Never mentioned since, funnily enough.

OurBlanche · 29/10/2015 13:58

When DH resigned his boring, low paid, dead end factory job to go to university his whole family started in with how he was throwing away a perfectly good job, how we would never manage, I would not cope withhim being away!

For 4 years (he did an access course) they were upset that he had to work every spare minute and in his holidays, to pay the bills, to save the day. For 3 years they were horrified that didn't ask them for help, I shouldn't suffer in silence. One day, at Sunday lunch I said "I do have a job. I have paid for everything for 4 years. DH has worked to pay for his own food, train fares, books etc. I have also started saving regularly. How? I have a real job, I earn real money and I am not stupid"

DH laughed, thinking I was being a bit odd when poisonous SIL said I was just being brave, it was obvious I wasn't coping and MIL patted my arm and said they would always be there for me. DH sort of exploded...

That is how our years of very low contact started

notquitehuman · 29/10/2015 14:05

Haha, I sometimes think some of the older generation have no idea how things work nowadays. Apparently my years of freelancing, sometimes working until 3am to get projects done was 'just a little job for spare cash' according to my MIL. Now that I work in an office I have a 'proper job', but as I'm a mum I will always come second to my DH in terms of importance or earning potential.

Of course, my job isn't nearly as stressful or difficult. It's just an excuse for me to get out of the house and spend time away from DS. Ah yes, such a luxury to work! It's like a spa day!

redexpat · 29/10/2015 15:40

Remind him that you'll be choosing his care home.

Pico2 · 29/10/2015 15:50

My concern about this sort of sexist bullshit is that it can be heard by children. Whether they are boys or girls, I think it is important for them not to internalise the message that women are inevitably financially dependent on men and that it is ok to undermine their mother.

whois · 29/10/2015 15:55

I snapped and told him that I earned significantly more than DH, always had, always will and that whilst it wasn't an issue for us, he was embarrassing DH. Never mentioned since, funnily enough.

I think this is a good approach!

Want2bSupermum · 29/10/2015 16:00

Oh I have had my PIL say some really stupid things too. My MIL thinks I should do more at home and with the kids. Poor DH having to parent. I have my own career and I am not going to be dependent on ANYONE. I am always the one cleaning up, doing the laundry and getting everyone on schedule. When DH leaves his plate at the kitchen table she expects me to pick it up! Errr no.... He has two hands and two feet so can take the plate to the sink, rinse it and put it in the dishwasher like a normal human being.

OP I would be furious with your DH and would strongly consider holding back your pay since it isn't needed. It can go straight into a savings account that only you can withdraw from. Lets see how you guys as a family do without your income. He can put his money where his mouth is. Also, if you are working as many hours as him plus doing childcare you are contributing more to the family than he is.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 29/10/2015 16:02

I'd place a bet that either DH has given his parents a "poor little unappreciated me" speech at some point during your relationship - either that or FIL has formed that opinion for himself & your DH is happy to let him carry on thinking that way!

I'm afraid that it sounds like your response will be seen as a "stroppy little woman, thinking she works as hard" comment. It needs your DH to set his dad straight once & for all.

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