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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that FIL thinks DH works his fingers to the bone whilst I do nothing?

107 replies

MagicalMischief · 29/10/2015 13:00

I am sick of FIL's attitude. Every time I see FIL if DH isn't there or isn't in the room, FIL goes on about how hard DH works and that he hopes I appreciate it. DH works full time. I am self employed and work full time and more hours besides, quite often around the DCs. We earn roughly the same.

I am at home this week as it is half term and on Monday FIL popped round. He started up with his usual spiel of asking where DH is working this week (DH travels around sometimes), then saying how hard DH works and that he hopes I appreciate it. This time rather than taking it I said "Actually I work hard too". He ignored me and carried on so I did the broken record technique and after 3 or 4 times he said "Well yes but DH keeps the family afloat financially, you don't work properly". I then said that yes, I do work 'properly' and I do keep us afloat financially too, and he then went on and on about how DH's job is harder and how it's 'always harder for the man than the woman'.

So I walked out of the room. When I went back into the room he changed the subject.

I am just sick of it all. I told DH about it and he wasn't too happy that I answered back to his dad and said that his dad means well!!

OP posts:

winchester1 · 29/10/2015 23:45

Have you actually told him you earn as much as OH and work longer hours? Maybe he thinks its a hobby job, lots of people don't really get home working is working.

Unreasonablebetty · 30/10/2015 00:05

Phew!! I thought it was only me that got this shit!!!
When I first met my husband, he had a failing business, while I worked. His parents didn't know about this business failing until six months in, then apparently £10,000 had been spent in my house by his son- no way, not at all!!
But I still struggle with the fact that he believes I ran him into the ground financially, when he was living with me rent free, and actually borrowed all he could off me at the time.
He's very rude to me, and likes to be quite spiteful... Which until about a month ago would just keep quiet to,
But we bought a new car about 7 weeks ago (newish! A year old!!)
And he started rattling on, oh you take care of that car, don't you do your make up in that car. It's his. And says to my daughter that's your dads car, time he got something nice for himself.
I couldn't help it, I piped up with, actually yes, he does drive the car, but seeing as someone had to finance it and he couldn't I did, so it's my car.
He didn't like it one bit....

AnnaMarlowe · 30/10/2015 00:11

betty your fil thought he was entitled to tell you whether you could check your lippy in your own car before getting out?

Unreasonablebetty · 30/10/2015 00:28

Annamarlowe- yep! He really is that rude. Apparently a car is no place for a woman's make up, the car is a mans place... He's admittedly not the most intelligent of chaps, I tend to ignore him most of the time, as he's always got some brilliant insight.

Just last night he asked my husband to set up his new tablet (we've no idea how he will figure out how to use it!) and told me to make some tea, because the men are playing with computers and I wouldn't understand, very funny when husband pipes up and says, oh I don't know dad, she's forgotten about computers more than I'll ever know, I've seen documentation to prove it, his dad scoffs and says naaaah!
(I have numerous professional certifications from the IT industry)

PILs, what can we do?

AnnaMarlowe · 30/10/2015 00:33

I'd find it very difficult to put up with that kind of rudeness in my own house.

Mmmmcake123 · 30/10/2015 00:35

It's a bit of an aside (sorry), but if I didn't put makeup on in the car I would just present as a scary Mary each day. Don't do it whilst mobile but red lights are what it's for in my life. B4 anyone gets angry I always check mirrors b4 setting off. Really can't stand male views on makeup application in cars when they are frequently finishing off a sarnie or fb liking.

Baconyum · 30/10/2015 00:46

Fil is bad enough but OP I think you need a serious word with your 'd' h! You want your kids hearing these opinions? From their father about their mother? He'd be in the doghouse if he were mine.

welshHairs · 30/10/2015 00:52

I feel a bit of an imposter joining this thread as I recently gave up my job after mat leave, but it's a bit of a relief (as well as depressingly awful) to hear that I'm not alone with the sexist pil's.

Dp's dad is what I call 'an old fashioned sexist', will always help carry your luggage, sees women as decorations primarily. Chirpy, little, pretty birds, not much of importance to say, may have a little fun job but paying the bills is for the man of the house. Recently pointed out a Moulin Rouge style outfit and said "what a sweet outfit for a little girl." Mil's no better. She called my dd is a flirt a few weeks ago. Typical girl behaviour apparently. My dd is 15 months old.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2015 00:56

Good on you op, keep doing this. Your dh is the problem here, he sees no issue with his fathers behaviour and lack of especia for you.

Aeroflotgirl · 30/10/2015 00:56

Respect I meant.

CheckedMate · 30/10/2015 01:08

My mum is the one who does this, unfortunately. Last year I was averaging 76 hour working weeks and yet whenever she came round to visit she would tell me off for asking DH to make me a coffee, because "he's been at work all day, can't you see he needs a rest?".

Another gem once when I was having a bit of a moan to her about how DH wasn't picking up the housework slack while I was working from home at weekends, was: "Don't worry about it. As long as you've got a man who loves you and makes you laugh sometimes, then who cares about the housework?" Errr.... because laughter will clean the kitchen, empty the bins and do the washing???

PoundingTheStreets · 30/10/2015 01:20

YANBU

Atenco · 30/10/2015 01:37

Please, please don't accuse us older generation of being responsable for this. Back in the 70's, when they were both alive, my mother had a serious falling out with her mother because gran said that now that my cousin had married a minister, she would of course have to give up her job as a doctor to support him in his parish work. That was extremely old fashioned even then.

I live in Mexico now and one thing I've noticed more than once is that when a male blood relative dies, rumours start to abound in the family about how his wife killed him. So I supposed this type of antagonism with in-laws is power for the course.

Senpai · 30/10/2015 01:54

If he truly meant well, he wouldn't continue to insist on something that upset you. So no, he didn't mean well.

Good on you for standing up to him.

I'd be talking to your DH too since he's obviously not backing you up on this. He sees you as an equal, I hope?

CheerfulYank · 30/10/2015 02:18

I get a lot of "aren't you lucky" because my DH changes diapers.

AvaCrowder · 30/10/2015 02:33

My fil is adorable, he is nuts about his wife, kind about his dc, a positive soppy old cow about his grandchildren. I love him. He is a reason that I liked his son.

PoundingTheStreets · 30/10/2015 02:38

Ava - that's so lovely.

Ememem84 · 30/10/2015 07:06

There's a woman I work with who chirps on about how her dh is amazing because he does childcare from 8-10 on a Saturday morning. They both work full time. But he shouldn't be expected to look after kids because he works. He also shouldn't be expected to do housework because he works. And he's a man. He obviously shouldn't have to take care of his own kids. That's what women are for.

She sits opposite another woman who's dh also works full time and from all accounts does so much to help their family. The "doing childcare" but really grates on her he takes them to swimming lessons and sits and eats bacon rolls in the spectators gallery one day the two of them are going to fight.

Thattimeofyearagain · 30/10/2015 07:34

Gems from my fil.

Told dh aunty that I was a cleaner in an office for pocket money. I am an office administrator, main wage earner.
Asked why I drive a " mans car". ( anything over a 1l engine is too powerful for a woman to drive)
Nearly fainted with shock to find out that I regularly drive dh's transit van. *Watching in stunned silence as I changed a plug. Dh and I always called him on this bullshit, and we are very low contact now.

areyoubeingserviced · 30/10/2015 07:41

My own mother does this. I adore my mother. She is a wonderful woman.
She encouraged my sister and I to study hard and go to university .
We both have decent jobs and earn a decent salary. In fact, we both work similar if not longer hours than our dhs .Yet my mother will berate us for not cooking dinner for our husbands . In her opinion, we are 'lucky' to have husbands who 'help' us with the children , clean and cook.
Mil ( who I am NC) once told me that if dh and I divorced I would have to leave as it was her son's house. The house that I had paid the deposit for and the mortgage for two years when her son's business was failing. When dh informed her of this fact, she refused to believe him and said that I had forced him to lie to her.

OnlyLovers · 30/10/2015 14:13

How offensive.

I wouldn't even engage; I'd just say mildly 'Don't be silly' and change the subject any time he brings it up.

Your DH needs his arse kicked too.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 30/10/2015 14:35

My FIL was annoyed i didnt jump up to make DH a cuppa the min he got home. Poor lamb has sat on the bus for an hour reading the paper, while i dealt with 3 under 2 and cooked tea... bless ... he made me a cuppa!!

Mintyy · 30/10/2015 14:44

I think it's time to get angry with him too! Why the fuck does your dh think you should put up with this sexist crap?

Next time he starts up with it, don't hold back and don't be polite:

"FGS Fil, you are like a bloody broken record. I work longer hours than your son and I earn as much as him. I don't know why you seem unable to process that"

And then leave him to stew for a couple of months.

Why on EARTH should you smile and nod and put up with it?

StealthPolarBear · 30/10/2015 14:58

Anyone on this thread also on the "walking in the kerbside" thread? Where the men are just being old fashioned and chivalrous?
Do people really not get that it's the same type of attitude? Men who walk on the outside may let you do a little job of you're lucky but you'll never be an equal in their eyes.

welshHairs · 30/10/2015 15:01

I've not seen the walking on the kerbside thread, but it sounds like the kind of old fashioned sexist that my fil is. I agree stealth, men with this attitude will never see women as equal.

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