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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has told me off like a teenager home late from the school disco

125 replies

HoplaBobo · 28/10/2015 23:39

It's a complicated backstory but suffice it to say that I have a fragile relationship with my DS (20). Today - out of the blue - he invited me out to the cinema - I find it difficult to be spontaneous, especially as I also have a younger dd (7) who is a handful. But I really thought this was a great opportunity for us to do something together and restore some much needed fun in our relationship. I asked DH if he would mind if I went (i.e. would he be able to take care of dd). DH said "Well I'd have to know what you were going to see in case I wanted to see it" (i.e. if he wanted to go I'd have to stay home to take care of DD) - he didn't want to see the film so it was agreed I would go. Before I left DH said he was going out to run some errands, one of which was for me. He would have to take DD with him. When I was on the train with DS, he texted 3 times to tell me about the various dramas he was having with running the errands, coping with DD, and nightmare traffic. All as if I was either responsible or could do something about it. All I could think to reply was "I'm sorry". After the film, DS and I stopped off to grab a bite to eat before the train home. I checked my phone to discover more texts complaining about DD's bedtime. I said we were just eating and would be getting the train after that. When we got home there was no "hello, how was the film?" - only "where have you been? I've been waiting to go out - it was 9pm when you said you were getting the train - it doesn't take that long to eat" (it was just 10.30btw and we live about an hour from London door to door). Moan moan moan. I said "We had a lovely time, thanks for asking. "I'm sure you did" was the response. I had felt so happy having a nice evening with DS. And now I feel sad, deflated and full of anxiety. I don't understand this. I hardly ever go out, let alone with DS. Why was it a problem - is it so effing unreasonable of me to expect to be able to enjoy an evening out now and then without being made to feel anxious about something or other back home? AIBU?

OP posts:
G1veMeStrength · 28/10/2015 23:42

YANBU. And let me guess somehow your probs with DS have something to do with your DH?...

Your DH is behaving like an idiot. Is he usually like this?

flustercuck · 28/10/2015 23:42

Your DH is a prick.

Hopefully someone will be along soon to offer up something more constructive to help you.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/10/2015 23:44

YANBU
He sounds petty and jealous. Why would he get to go instead of you if he wanted to see the film, he wasn't the one invited.
It sounds like he thinks you should be at home doing the shitwork whilst he goes out. Does he usually put himself first.?

werewolfinladderedtights · 28/10/2015 23:45

No yanbu. He is tho.
I'd just ignore him and not let him spoil your lovely evening.
Which film did you see?

FuzzyWizard · 28/10/2015 23:45

Your DH is clearly a dick.

Snapespeare · 28/10/2015 23:45

You have to check with him in case its a film he wants to see? So you're not 'allowed' to go and see a film with your son if he wants to see it with you?

fuck that.

ENtertainmentAppreciated · 28/10/2015 23:46

Don't feel sad and deflated, you had a lovely time, so fix on that.

DH doesn't sound very kind or reasonable, is he DS's father?

DraculasDixieNormas · 28/10/2015 23:47

he just sounds like an arsehole. So if he wanted to see the film he would have gone instead of you? wtf is that about?

bloodyteenagers · 28/10/2015 23:47

Your an adult?
Asking for permission to go out..
If it was me (and would explain a bit why I am single) I wouldn't tolerate bullshit like that.
He would be told that actually on Saturday I am going out with mates and he is in charge.. It's not child minding, it's watching your own fucking child and being a parent. And if he didn't like it, well quite frankly he could fuck of and live elsewhere.

Wtaf.. Asking permission.. People really live like this?
It's not you. It's him and he is a complete controlling arsehole. And
You would be so much better without this arsehole in your life.
You are an adult. You don't need permission to do anything. Ffs, you was out with your child.

Original poster
HoplaBobo · 28/10/2015 23:49

He can be like this sometimes but at other times he is so lovely. I don't understand it. I always feel like I am getting it wrong. He goes on and on about personal freedom and not being controlling but sometimes I feel that no matter what I do he is judging me and I am not good enough.

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 28/10/2015 23:49

Your DH is a prick. Simple.

bluesbaby · 28/10/2015 23:53

He sounds pretty controlling to me Confused

CassieBearRawr · 28/10/2015 23:56

He's a controlling prick.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 28/10/2015 23:57

I'm going to give him the benefit of doubt and perhaps he is scared you will get hurt if things go bad with your son again, so he is worried rather than controlling.

Would he have reacted the same if it was a good friend.

CluckingBelle · 28/10/2015 23:57

He is being controlling. He has built up a smokescreen around it so you haven't realised how controlling he actually is. But today the smoke cleared a bit and you've seen it.

You don't have to live like this. I did, for ten years. But now I'm free and it's wonderful.

Canyouforgiveher · 28/10/2015 23:57

DH said "Well I'd have to know what you were going to see in case I wanted to see it" (i.e. if he wanted to go I'd have to stay home to take care of DD) - he didn't want to see the film so it was agreed I would go.

there is your problem right there. Most normal adults in relationships don't actually respond like that to the simple question "can you mind dd on wednesday night so I can go to the cinema with my son?"

Think HeartsTrumpDiamonds sums it up really.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 28/10/2015 23:58

YANBU. Definitely not.

IguanaTail · 28/10/2015 23:59

He can be like this sometimes but at other times he is so lovely. I don't understand it.

Let me help you out. He's a wanker. When things are going his way and he is in charge everything is hunkydory. As soon as you make your own plans, that he is not a part of, he becomes an arse. He wants you to feel guilty and to think twice about doing it again. He has truly pissed on your chips. Tell him to grow up and stop being such a gigantic nob.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/10/2015 23:59

I don't think DH and I have ever had a conversation about being controlling or personal freedom. We just do what we want whilst showing some common sense consideration for each other. I wouldn't ask him if I could go out but we would check with each other that a last minute plan didn't conflict with a prior arrangement.

He does sound controlling and I suspect it's his personal freedoms he values not yours.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 28/10/2015 23:59

He couldn't cope with a few errands without bothering you and making you feel guilty? What an immature selfish man.

I can't get over that he asked what the film was in case he wanted to go and see it. WTAF?

pillowaddict · 29/10/2015 00:01

How worrying - he talks about not controlling you? Dh and I have literally never had to have that conversation and it's not very normal that you would imo. He was horrible and ruined something he knew was important to you - is this usual? It shouldn't be.

CardinalPoint · 29/10/2015 00:01

Yanbu. I'd be really irritated with him. At best he was thoughtless and stupid and at worse he was being a nasty twunt. Confused

Perhaps you could have a chat about it with him tomorrow and see what his response is and see if he can understand why his behaviour is not OK.

I think you need to start going out on you own a lot more.

I hope it doesn't blight your lovely evening out.

Original poster
HoplaBobo · 29/10/2015 00:01

G1veMeStrength - yes, some of DS 's problems do relate to DH. Entertainment - thank you - I will try to focus on the lovely time spent with DS. Werewolf we went to see a docufilm about Marlon Brando.

I know I will not sleep well tonight. It's a bad atmosphere and I am not looking forward to re-living it all in a mammoth post-mortem tomorrow.

OP posts:
Hillfarmer · 29/10/2015 00:02

He is a controlling arse and he has you on a string.

I had an H like that. He 'allowed' me to take a three day break with some mates, when we had two toddlers. Made me feel like he was doing me a huge favour looking after his own kids. Then he rang me (in Spain) to tell me they'd run out of butter. I thought he was joking. He wasn't. So glad he is now my XH.

DontHaveAUsername · 29/10/2015 00:03

I don't think the people calling your DH names are being particularly helpful or contributing anything useful in resolving this problem tbh. His behaviour and attitude is rather bad, but that's no justification to just be sitting there calling him names, it's really rude and on a more practical note it doesn't help OP with any constructive advice on what to do. Personally I think you need to confront your DH about his attitude and explain why it's not on. Explain that you feel he's being controlling and it needs to stop. Good luck and hope it works out.

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