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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has told me off like a teenager home late from the school disco

125 replies

HoplaBobo · 28/10/2015 23:39

It's a complicated backstory but suffice it to say that I have a fragile relationship with my DS (20). Today - out of the blue - he invited me out to the cinema - I find it difficult to be spontaneous, especially as I also have a younger dd (7) who is a handful. But I really thought this was a great opportunity for us to do something together and restore some much needed fun in our relationship. I asked DH if he would mind if I went (i.e. would he be able to take care of dd). DH said "Well I'd have to know what you were going to see in case I wanted to see it" (i.e. if he wanted to go I'd have to stay home to take care of DD) - he didn't want to see the film so it was agreed I would go. Before I left DH said he was going out to run some errands, one of which was for me. He would have to take DD with him. When I was on the train with DS, he texted 3 times to tell me about the various dramas he was having with running the errands, coping with DD, and nightmare traffic. All as if I was either responsible or could do something about it. All I could think to reply was "I'm sorry". After the film, DS and I stopped off to grab a bite to eat before the train home. I checked my phone to discover more texts complaining about DD's bedtime. I said we were just eating and would be getting the train after that. When we got home there was no "hello, how was the film?" - only "where have you been? I've been waiting to go out - it was 9pm when you said you were getting the train - it doesn't take that long to eat" (it was just 10.30btw and we live about an hour from London door to door). Moan moan moan. I said "We had a lovely time, thanks for asking. "I'm sure you did" was the response. I had felt so happy having a nice evening with DS. And now I feel sad, deflated and full of anxiety. I don't understand this. I hardly ever go out, let alone with DS. Why was it a problem - is it so effing unreasonable of me to expect to be able to enjoy an evening out now and then without being made to feel anxious about something or other back home? AIBU?

OP posts:
CuteAsaF0x · 29/10/2015 08:08

He sounds like my x

My x acted like he was my boss which was bad enough, but he also like I was (as an employee) quite incompetent.

I told him it was intolerable but he'd never acknowledge it. I do not miss that man.

CuteAsaF0x · 29/10/2015 08:11

Oh, I've just missed the Trial. He puts you through that too?

Your date in court is today then? You're up in the dock on trial for your not sure what but he's the cross-examining barrister and he's going to brinng you down?

THAT WAS MY MISERABLE LIFE FOR YEARS.

You will be happier without this kryptonite of a husband sapping the life out of you.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 29/10/2015 08:13

Not RTFT, but your DH is an asshole. This is not a one-off incident but another example of his assholery. LTB.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/10/2015 08:14

Yanbu. If you are both dd's parents then you are both capable of looking after her. This doesn't sound like a fair set up. DH would only contact me when I'm on a night out if he needed advice (generally on where things are in the house, or whether I intended him to feed the baby anything in particular). I only get progress updates if I ask for them.

Iamabuyingbootsaddict · 29/10/2015 08:59

I had to respond to your post as it felt very familiar. My XH was just like this. I went for my first day out shopping by myself when our DS was 10 which my now XH encouraged (I'd previously booked childcare rather than rely on him). It was a total nightmare as he plagued me with texts and calls because he was having such a hard time taking responsibility for our DS for the day. I wished I hadn't gone and it blighted the day. It was the beginning of the end for us as I finally realised what a controlling idiot he was. My life was not my own and I was isolated and nervy all the time. I will never forget the look on our DS sons face when I arrived home aftering spending a stressful day with his dad. Nearly five years down the line my DS and I are so much happier and I now have a lovely partner who is a total grownup and life could not be more different. Don't be controlled, you deserve better than that.

SuperFlyHigh · 29/10/2015 09:06

I rarely post on these threads too, but he's a complete arse.

After I'm guessing more than 20 years of this behaviour I doubt he'd change (so Relate etc no good to you there) - I honestly say LTB.

Please do it before he gets older, develops a serious illness etc (I know of a couple, friend of my parents, the DH is worse than your DH but 'seriously ill' and the DW is stuck with him now (won't leave as guilt would be awful if he croaked it) and they're also living abroad and can't come home to UK as house is worth less than what they paid for it.

SuperFlyHigh · 29/10/2015 09:08

Oh forgot to say, I used to work for a solicitors that did divorce and family law, they saw this all the time, if you get a good family/divorce lawyer (they're normally all quite good forms experience) they will be totally supportive and help you deal with a divorce in a practical way.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 29/10/2015 09:09

It really doesn't matter how lovely he is if he is like this even 1% of the time. Nice behaviour does not buy you the right to be an asshole on other occasions. I would be looking to leave for the sake of my children.

Fairenuff · 29/10/2015 09:27

I have just lost all perspective on what is healthy and acceptable

OP when you posted this I think I saw a glimmer of hope for you. There is a lot of really good advice and support on mn if you keep posting.

I know that change is scary but it doesn't have to happen overnight. It will take time before you begin to see how awful your relationship is.

Ask for this thread to be moved to Relationships or start another one over there. You will get so much support and you can go at your own pace.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 29/10/2015 09:33

Sad Hope you have someone in RL to talk to Flowers

flustercuck · 29/10/2015 09:43

DH and I check with each other, just in case the other has already made plans or we might need a babysitter.

When we do go out apart we tell each other to have a great time. When we get back home we'll ask how did it go, or whatever. That's normal, I think.

If one of us is much later than we said, the other will think, oh, they must have been caught up. Once I went out to change a pair of shoes late night shopping and didn't arrive home til 3am. I'd bumped into a mate and one thing led to another until it was kicking out time at the club we'd gone to. DH (who to be fair had gone to bed at 11, he may have been a bit miffed if he'd stayed up), said to me the following day, he thought I must have gone for a drink. It was a great night and DH and I still laugh about it.

I can't think of a time where either of us has grilled the other or sulked because of a bit of a social life.

OP you were out with your SON FFS.

ArmchairTraveller · 29/10/2015 09:54

*He can be like this sometimes but at other times he is so lovely. I don't understand it.

Let me help you out. He's a wanker. *

Oh Iguana, so many posts, yet such simplicity in your response. Exactly. Smile
He is being controlling, unhelpful and if looking after his DD is so traumatic then, as I say to my 20yo DS when he finds certain things tricky...like housework or cooking... 'You just need a lot more practice'
Yet somehow you feel guilty, disloyal and afraid because you have asked on an anonymous forum if this is unreasonable or not. That's how EA works, you are deprived of a normal frame of reference.
Try and get out once a month or so, then your OH will have the opportunity to learn how to manage his time and his child.

FudgeLoverYum · 29/10/2015 10:00

He had to see if you could go to the film because if he wanted to see it then he would go with DS? Then he purposefully messed you around?

Is DS just your DS or both of yours? Because your husband sounds jealous and controlling. Please look seriously at how he acts and just why you feel disloyal. Speak to someone neutral like a counsellor.

Purplepoodle · 29/10/2015 10:05

ok my mouth hung open when dh wanted to know what film you were seeing. He sounds very controlling and has little respect for your feelings.

Even if my dh had wanted to see the film he would have just asked me to go with him next week or shock horror - gone with a mate or by himself.

Next time leave mobile at home

popalot · 29/10/2015 10:13

Maybe it's time for you to reflect on how your h has affected your children and your relationships with them. Has he had anythinng to do with the problems with your ds? Other than trying to sabotage your attempts at reconciliation at the cinema. Why is your 7 year old dd a 'handful'? Is she spirited or anxious?

MrsDeVere · 29/10/2015 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AkkerDemik · 29/10/2015 10:33

OP, if you're still around...
Please don't feel guilty or disloyal posting about this. A few years ago I had a very difficult issue with DP that I felt I couldn't talk to others about IRL so I posted on a board I was on at the time. The responses I got saved my sanity and gave me the strength to deal with it.
Secondly please try to be strong if you do have the 'showdown' post mortem. I'm not going to go over all the points about what he did yesterday, PPs have done that very adequately. Don't excuse him on the grounds that he 'can be lovely' or that 'you too can be difficult'. Be assertive rather than aggressive and stand your ground.
And don't forget that being lovely some of the time is also a control mechanism. It keeps you on his string....

KatharinaRosalie · 29/10/2015 10:37

See I first wanted to tell you YABU, as I get annoyed when DH says he will be home at a certain time, and then is not. But the rest!

Yes you have lost a sense what normality is - your son asks YOU out, but your husband will decide if you are allowed, or if he will go instead? WTF?

And the rest is just so sad to read, you should not be afraid of your husband and worrying about the 'aftermath' of your 'disobedience'

NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 10:39

He is controlling and emotionally abusive.
This comment makes it very clear:
"I am shaking with fear now I feel so disloyal to have shared this."
It's not disloyal to seek support for relationship problems.

OP, please read these signs of emotional abuse. I suspect that many will be true in your case Sad

My advice:
Talk to someone in real life, a supportive family member or friend
Contact Women's Aid
Look up Lundy Bancroft's books

Good luck Flowers

AskBasil · 29/10/2015 10:44

See he gets to decide that he wants to go out without reference to you, but you get shit when you've gone out with his "permission" (not even agreement, negotiation etc., permission).

Good luck talking to Women's Aid.

SlightlyJaded · 29/10/2015 11:32

OP I am going to PM you

throwingpebbles · 29/10/2015 11:39

Hope you are ok op

This isn't how normal healthy relationships work. The thing about him needing to know what film first in case he wanted to watch it is shocking. I hope you are ok and have real life support

My new partner and I have both come out of controlling relationships and it is immensely healing and yet upsetting also to be in a normal healthy relationship and realise what I had been putting up with all those years xx

AcrossthePond55 · 29/10/2015 12:34

OP, I just wanted you to know that I've been thinking of you since reading this thread and hoping that you are safe and OK.

If you feel up to it, you do need to do a bit of reading on emotional abuse. It's insidious and can be almost invisible. Your situation is much, much worse than mine ever was. I don't think you understand how very strong you really are to be living with this daily. You can use that same strength to extricate yourself out of this hellhole.

lubeybooby · 29/10/2015 13:05

OP just to let you know this isn't normal behavior. If this was my partner it would have been a complete non issue.

No bargaining, no texts, no doubt, no control, no moaning, no making me feel bad, no being utterly useless with the child

All he would have done is ask genuinely if I'd had a nice time when I got back. That is normal and how it should be.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 29/10/2015 15:05

I hope you're ok OP?

Some good advice on here. Nothing new to say about your dh. It's so sad he's manipulated you this much Sad

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