DH has told me off like a teenager home late from the school disco

[HoplaBobo]

It's a complicated backstory but suffice it to say that I have a fragile relationship with my DS (20). Today - out of the blue - he invited me out to the cinema - I find it difficult to be spontaneous, especially as I also have a younger dd (7) who is a handful. But I really thought this was a great opportunity for us to do something together and restore some much needed fun in our relationship. I asked DH if he would mind if I went (i.e. would he be able to take care of dd). DH said "Well I'd have to know what you were going to see in case I wanted to see it" (i.e. if he wanted to go I'd have to stay home to take care of DD) - he didn't want to see the film so it was agreed I would go. Before I left DH said he was going out to run some errands, one of which was for me. He would have to take DD with him. When I was on the train with DS, he texted 3 times to tell me about the various dramas he was having with running the errands, coping with DD, and nightmare traffic. All as if I was either responsible or could do something about it. All I could think to reply was "I'm sorry". After the film, DS and I stopped off to grab a bite to eat before the train home. I checked my phone to discover more texts complaining about DD's bedtime. I said we were just eating and would be getting the train after that. When we got home there was no "hello, how was the film?" - only "where have you been? I've been waiting to go out - it was 9pm when you said you were getting the train - it doesn't take that long to eat" (it was just 10.30btw and we live about an hour from London door to door). Moan moan moan. I said "We had a lovely time, thanks for asking. "I'm sure you did" was the response. I had felt so happy having a nice evening with DS. And now I feel sad, deflated and full of anxiety. I don't understand this. I hardly ever go out, let alone with DS. Why was it a problem - is it so effing unreasonable of me to expect to be able to enjoy an evening out now and then without being made to feel anxious about something or other back home? AIBU?

"Please don't let DontHaveAUsername's clumsy attempt at 'advice' make you feel any worse than you already feel, OP. You should not be feeling guilt."

When you feel your partner or husband has done something wrong it is not clumsy to point it out to them and ask them to alter their behaviour. I was criticizing the few posts at the start that just say "he is an arse/prick" without offering any actual advice. First of all because I think it's just rude to go around calling people names and second, I think the OP was maybe seeking advice or ideas about what to do, and those posts didn't provide it.

The husband is definitely unreasonable in his attitude and his mentality that if he wanted to go (I know he didn't but if he did then he would have) then it would somehow trump OP and her son going, that attitude needs to change. I think OP should explain this to him, be polite but still be firm about the fact that you think it's not acceptable and you'd like him to alter his behaviour. Correct me if I'm wrong OP the impression I get is that you'd prefer to resolve this and continue your relationship? If so, then I think explaining what he did was wrong is the best way to go about that.

You could google how to delete your internet history instead if you're worried about your husband somehow finding this. That way you could keep coming back here for support and then covering your tracks. Unless you fear he's monitoring what you're doing beyond even that?

Have reported the OP's post to MNHQ to draw their attention to her request in case she's gone offline.

Hopla I'm even more worried about you know.

Please don't feel like you've been disloyal you honestly haven't been my love,we all need to reach out and to be heard now and again and sometimes when it's something that can feel so complicated to ourselves it just feels so much easier to reach out to those that might not know us that well or might not know us at all.

I really hope that he's never hurt you or your children,if you need to talk anytime please feel free to PM me anytime.I've been in 2 really awful relationships in the past,they were both abusive in different ways.

I've also known ladies that had to leave with they're DC so that them and they're children could live a normal and happy life,I've helped two women and they're children with the help of womens aid to get away to safety.

This is themwww.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=Cj0KEQjw5MGxBRDiuZm2icXX2-sBEiQA619bqy7ueUPAYqZrimWGjJK2iGMQgF1c0_SqbPDGZdLW5RMaAnAJ8P8HAQ they have a 24 hour free helpline if you ever feel like you want to talk to someone there and online they can show you how to cover your tracts online.

www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=Cj0KEQjw5MGxBRDiuZm2icXX2-sBEiQA619bqy7ueUPAYqZrimWGjJK2iGMQgF1c0_SqbPDGZdLW5RMaAnAJ8P8HAQ sorry hope that links worked.

And OP before you have this thread deleted,I'd have a look at how to cover your tracks online at that link above.

You haven't done anything wrong at ALL. In your average relationship partners don't ask for permission to go out... or feel guilty. I've been with DH 27 years and we will check with each other if one has plans ..along the lines of 'I've been invited for a meal with my work mates on tuesday, are you home to look after DS2?' and occasionally have to change plans if one has something booked. I'm happy for dh to go out, and he is happy if I do... neither of us bother very often tho!

To feel worried, guilty or worrying about being grilled about it in the morning, isn't OK. Isn't a healthy releationship. Please keep posting if you need support :/

Oh dear OP. This sounds very like what used to happen with my ex. I had to 'ask' to go out.
Him looking after his own kids was a 'favour'.
Anything he wanted to do was more important than what I wanted.
He made an arse job of looking after the kids half the time just to try to make me not ask.
And I too feared the post mortem.

It was all designed to stop me asking him for anything. It all got to be far too exhausting in the end

Just remember OP it is not your fault that he bahaved like that. And it is unlikely you can change him.

Have a good think about your rs. You say you can be a nightmare, is that true or does he just tell you you are a nightmare? Possibly whenever you don't agree with what he wants or when you have got annoyed with him for being unreasonable as he was tonight.

donthaveausername's posts, on any subject, are generally best ignored.

OP you can report your OP and ask them to remove it because you're afraid it will breach your anonymity.

I hope you're ok, and can still have a memory of a nice night out with your son

I was hoping it was just a bad day he was taking out on you. Sounds like it's more than that which I hope you can sort out somehow. I was very late home last week and DH called and my friend urged me to apologise - no way do you or anyone need to apologise for going out, especially if you've told him your plans and weren't particularly late. You are equals and parenting takes two with you both entitled to a little time out. I hope your DD didn't get too much of his anger during her bedtime.

Op I hope you are ok. Your husband was behaving very unreasonable on that particular occasion. I can't quite understand why he would have gone if he'd wanted to see it instead of you. I presume your ds invited just you?
If he's not often like this just put the rest of it down to having a stressful time with dd. I don't think it's helpful of posters to call him a twat etc, op is posting about one situation. Perhaps mention how you feel in the morning, hopefully he'll apologise to you.

Sometimes the truth about your partner is hard to hear when 100 odd posters are saying it all at one. But he has been a total arse.

He should be encouraging a relationship with your son, not thwarting it.

"I was hoping it was just a bad day he was taking out on you. Sounds like it's more than that which I hope you can sort out somehow."

Me too, it sounded to me as though some random unrelated thing or multiple things had bugged/stressed him throughout the day and then he just snapped at OP. Which still isn't "ok" or anything, but isn't as bad as what it now appears to be; Her shaking with fear about posting this has made me concerned about the extent of what might be happening.

If your DH was 'really' going to out tonight why did he ask what film it was?...

Yanbu, don't let your dh spoil it. Glad ye had a great night out, what did ye go to see? I haven't been to the cinema in ages.

Your DH is an arse. Sorry. Been there, had countless times with my ds ruined.
It's petty jealousy and or signs of a controlling bastard.
You've done nothing wrong. Nor has your ds.
Please think of your options. .
Hope you're ok.

I snorted out loud at the phone call to Spain about running out of butter!! Sorry. I know I shouldn't have.

I am off soon to Paris for a long weekend to visit my DD1. If DH were to phone me with anything so ridiculous I would never let him live it down. He won't.

OP, why do you seem to be asking your H's permission to go out with your son? Don't ask him. Just check that he will be there to take care of DD and state that you and DS will be doing XXX a a certain time.

I can't imagine your DS would have been overly impressed if he had been forced to go with your H instead when he had specifically asked you. If I were him I imagine I would have been thoroughly pissed off and probably have abandoned the whole idea.

I guess your H was spoiling for a fight about it. Don't apologise. Just don't engage at all.

Sorry Op, I just saw your update. Don't feel bad, sometimes we all need to talk things over. Try to get some rest, everything will feel better in the morning

I don't know if you are still there HoplaBobo but I am sorry this has been so horrible and has maybe enabled you to see how unpleasant your husband is in his attitude and behaviour to you.

I agree with what everything else has said about his behaviour, controlling, only wanting you to see the film if he does not want to, pissing on your chips (horrible phrase - but so true) and generally spoiling your evening! And I agree with the names he has been called on here because I am sure many of us feel angry on your behalf! Calling him names here is a way to signal to you (IMHO) that we do not approve of his behaviour. I do feel it is helpful for you to know that most people would not find this behaviour acceptable in a partner, that this kind of controlling behaviour is detrimental to your self esteem and to marriage... as well as to your relationship with your son (is he your dh's son too?).

I am especially sad to hear you say...

I am not looking forward to re-living it all in a mammoth post-mortem tomorrow.

If it is not too much for me to say but in your shoes I would turn any mammoth post-mortem into a time to hear what he thinks about 'last night' and then to share very simply what you feel....

Just as you have with us (which is not disloyal)... e.g.

You and your son are not always close but here was a chance to spend quality time together.
You were asking your dh to look after his own child
Yes, he was doing an errand for you but presumably you do plenty of stuff for him, (I am guessing from the context that this includes looking after your dd most of the time)
From what you say it seems clear your dh has time to himself to go out and do things so it is only fair you also have time without being burdened by any things that he is experiencing.

(Just as an aside and I have no way of knowing this but if your daughter is very difficult in her behaviour could she be picking up on any tensions in the house form your husbands hot/cold nice/not nice behaviour?)

I would only talk about these issues with your dh if you are safe to do this, if he will not become angry or abusive or aggressive. If he is likely to do any of these things I would avoid the post mortem or go to the local park or soft play with dd and have your chat in a public place (but not in front of dd) so you are safe. This is very important. If he is controlling and feels that contorl is slipping he might become more aggressive. I have not experienced this myself at all but have read enough here to know that you do need to be careful around controlling men.

In your shoes I would be suggesting some form of marriage guidance (relate) counselling together to work out how you can both respect each other better in your marriage (it sounds like you respect him PLENTY but you may need to use the mutual respect language to get him on board). To help you to have the kind of marriage where you can have an evening out without numerous checking up on your calls and without a massive post mortem afterwards.

If he really is lovely, as you say, he will address these issues and even if he does not agree to counselling he will know that you are serious. There are some very good books about controlling behaviour, or so I am told, and other posters may have some ideas what to read. Even if you delete this thread you could actually start a new one on a very neutral topic like 'how to deal with a controlling husband'. PLEASE do hide the thread and delete any browsing history from him if you fear this may start an argument or a situation he will make uncomfortable for you.

Talk to women's aid and get some advice because what you are describing is not what an equal relationship is meant to be about. They may have tips and advice and you may find that your dh comes to understand that you too have rights and expectations and you should most definitely not to be fearful of confrontations with a partner.

www.womensaid.org.uk

Just to add, if you're still reading, OP, that this was not at all reasonable from him, and that you should not feel bad as you did nothing wrong, whereas he was unfair and manipulative. Do look for help. I think you deserve much better treatment than this.

See, you lost me at :

DH said "Well I'd have to know what you were going to see in case I wanted to see it" (i.e. if he wanted to go I'd have to stay home to take care of DD) - he didn't want to see the film so it was agreed I would go

Me too. You'll have no problem getting the thread deleted. What you did with your son was the right thing to do, and your husband should have been happy for you to go. He's a dick.

Never mind the games he played before you even got to go, the amount of texts he sent you while you were out - all designed to make you feel guilty -
that's out of order.

When I'm out I ususally get a text to say our youngest (6) is in bed. The only contact apart from that would be in an emergency.

I'm the same when he is out.

Have this thread deleted if you feel bad about sharing it, but don't dismiss the advice given here.

He is just been petty- it sounds like a jealousy problem.
It is his problem- don't take it on.

I don't often post on these threads but what a f#cking arse.

Why why why do you put up with that shite??? Please don't say you love him and he is so lovely at other times because an arse is always an arse.

If you want to stay with him you need to tell him, calmly and clearly, that you see nothing wrong with your evening and you will be doing it again.

How would your relationship with your DCs be if you didn't also have to tiptoe round your cruel, tantrummy DH?