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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH has told me off like a teenager home late from the school disco

125 replies

HoplaBobo · 28/10/2015 23:39

It's a complicated backstory but suffice it to say that I have a fragile relationship with my DS (20). Today - out of the blue - he invited me out to the cinema - I find it difficult to be spontaneous, especially as I also have a younger dd (7) who is a handful. But I really thought this was a great opportunity for us to do something together and restore some much needed fun in our relationship. I asked DH if he would mind if I went (i.e. would he be able to take care of dd). DH said "Well I'd have to know what you were going to see in case I wanted to see it" (i.e. if he wanted to go I'd have to stay home to take care of DD) - he didn't want to see the film so it was agreed I would go. Before I left DH said he was going out to run some errands, one of which was for me. He would have to take DD with him. When I was on the train with DS, he texted 3 times to tell me about the various dramas he was having with running the errands, coping with DD, and nightmare traffic. All as if I was either responsible or could do something about it. All I could think to reply was "I'm sorry". After the film, DS and I stopped off to grab a bite to eat before the train home. I checked my phone to discover more texts complaining about DD's bedtime. I said we were just eating and would be getting the train after that. When we got home there was no "hello, how was the film?" - only "where have you been? I've been waiting to go out - it was 9pm when you said you were getting the train - it doesn't take that long to eat" (it was just 10.30btw and we live about an hour from London door to door). Moan moan moan. I said "We had a lovely time, thanks for asking. "I'm sure you did" was the response. I had felt so happy having a nice evening with DS. And now I feel sad, deflated and full of anxiety. I don't understand this. I hardly ever go out, let alone with DS. Why was it a problem - is it so effing unreasonable of me to expect to be able to enjoy an evening out now and then without being made to feel anxious about something or other back home? AIBU?

OP posts:

pluck · 29/10/2015 15:37

It sounds as though you have a "fragile relationship" with your H as well!

Fragile as the eggshells you're walking on.

CalypsoLilt · 29/10/2015 15:51

what hillfarmer said. my X would have a tantrum and sulk for days on end (worst and last time was 7 nights) and I would dread going home. So glad he's gone.

TheoriginalLEM · 29/10/2015 16:04

So let me get this straight. You had to check with him what film was showing and if it had been something he wanted to see, you would have had to stay home?

Fuck that for a game

pluck · 29/10/2015 16:11

That will teach me not to RTFT!

These habits sound completely entrenched with him. It sounds a lost cause to expect him to be reasonable.

HackerFucker22 · 29/10/2015 16:11

Not sure if it's been confirmed but is DH the DS's father?

FayKorgasm · 29/10/2015 16:13

I know some the replies here must be hard to take but that is because your husband is not a nice person. He made sure your evening was ruined.

ConfusedInBath · 29/10/2015 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheTigerIsOut · 29/10/2015 16:57

If you don't normally go out and let him take all the decissions (and your comments in this thread makes me think that is the case) it is not surprising he has reacted like that. You disobeyed him.

That doesn't mean however that he is right to behave like that, as much as it is not right that you are in fear missing sleep over this and talking about it with a bunch of strangers.

IMO, you need to start reducatibg him into a more reasonable person so you both stop behaving as a 1950s couple. Little steps at the time, start by being strong enough to remind him that it is not wrong for you to meet with your son from time to time.

CuteAsaF0x · 29/10/2015 17:09

don'thaveausername suggests that you sit down and talk to him, confront him basically, about his lack of respect.

this is an interesting bench mark. The op cannot sit down and talk reasonably with her h. She cannot initiate any conversation that suggests the H is less than perfect, or that the H is disrespectful, or thoughtless, or selfish.............

He has trained her to never complain, never challenge, never raise any issues, never ask for anything to be resolved. The status quo that is acceptable to the H is that his wife meet his needs without complaint.

I think that's obvious reading the thread. I know don'thaveausername's post was early in the thread but any suggestion to sit down and talk on a thread like this shows such a massive lack of understanding, followed up by pointlessly reprimanding to other posters.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 29/10/2015 17:14

Op has vanished forever I suspect. Not ready to acknowledge that she's in an abusive relationship with a controlling man.

Jux · 29/10/2015 17:20

You're not going to rush to go our again, are you?

So he's won. You stay at home doing the little wifey stuff, and he will reward you for being a good girl by being nice.

Did you know that some men are nice even when their partners aren't doing the wifey stuff and staying home every evening.

Some men are nice, even when they have to babysit - even when they're babysitting so their partner can just go out on the town for a laugh. Oh, and those men don't call it babysitting either. They think they're looking after their children.

Some men do housework too. Does your h?
Some treat their partners with respect.

Read the opening post on this thread, and see how close your relationship comes to it, www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 17:20

Obsidian I think she's most likely vanished because she's terrified and feels guilty for posting in the first place

CuteAsaF0x · 29/10/2015 17:23

Poor woman. In April 2007 I posted a thread like this. In July I left.

So even if she doesn't come back, people's responses will be chipping away at her denial. It still serves a purpose.

DeoGratias · 29/10/2015 17:27

I think the answer lies in "I hardly ever go out". People like what they are used to. So starting going out once a week without your husband so he can look after the 7 year old. He will soon get used to it.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 29/10/2015 18:35

any suggestion to sit down and talk on a thread like this shows such a massive lack of understanding

I was writing a reply saying exactly this much closer to the original post, CuteAsaF0x, but then my browser crashed and I gave up. Glad someone could be bothered to point it out. I think people who lack any kind of ability to read a situation as it is laid out in black and white by an OP should refrain from being so quick to discard others' advice in favour of their own suggestions.

NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 18:43

It's funny isn't it, the idea that you can educate an abusive man into becoming a reasonable person!

Aeroflotgirl · 29/10/2015 18:48

Op your dh is not so dh at all! I hope that you are ok, and that you are thinking seriously about your situation.

wizzywig · 29/10/2015 19:03

LTB!

Groovee · 29/10/2015 19:14

Your dh should manage to care for his daughter without her mum needing to be there. Dh has coped fine when I've had an emergency admittance to hospital.

He sounds jealous.

starlight2007 · 29/10/2015 19:44

I hope you are at least reading OP..

I have read through the posts...Although I have read most replies..I think it has been ignored. you had to be back so he could go out..Did he ask your permission.

I see very little of personnel freedom for you..The fact you are concerned this thread is here the consequence of tomorrow. (today) is very worrying.. I really support others contact women's aid

sophiet8b · 29/10/2015 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CuteAsaF0x · 29/10/2015 22:09

Happfeet2911 · 30/10/2015 00:12

Total wanker control freak, get rid!!

funnyperson · 30/10/2015 05:07

I think go out once a week so that DH gets used to it.
Very odd behaviour though. Esp as DS wanted to go out with his mum. What would have happened if it were the new Bond movie and DH had wanted to go?

Mehitabel6 · 30/10/2015 07:08

I think that OP is scared off. She started a thread just to have a vent thinking it 'normal' behaviour and is shocked to find that it isn't.
Hopefully she will read and start to do something about it.
I get the impression that she will stay- in which case start small and go out at least once a week.

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