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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH has told me off like a teenager home late from the school disco

125 replies

HoplaBobo · 28/10/2015 23:39

It's a complicated backstory but suffice it to say that I have a fragile relationship with my DS (20). Today - out of the blue - he invited me out to the cinema - I find it difficult to be spontaneous, especially as I also have a younger dd (7) who is a handful. But I really thought this was a great opportunity for us to do something together and restore some much needed fun in our relationship. I asked DH if he would mind if I went (i.e. would he be able to take care of dd). DH said "Well I'd have to know what you were going to see in case I wanted to see it" (i.e. if he wanted to go I'd have to stay home to take care of DD) - he didn't want to see the film so it was agreed I would go. Before I left DH said he was going out to run some errands, one of which was for me. He would have to take DD with him. When I was on the train with DS, he texted 3 times to tell me about the various dramas he was having with running the errands, coping with DD, and nightmare traffic. All as if I was either responsible or could do something about it. All I could think to reply was "I'm sorry". After the film, DS and I stopped off to grab a bite to eat before the train home. I checked my phone to discover more texts complaining about DD's bedtime. I said we were just eating and would be getting the train after that. When we got home there was no "hello, how was the film?" - only "where have you been? I've been waiting to go out - it was 9pm when you said you were getting the train - it doesn't take that long to eat" (it was just 10.30btw and we live about an hour from London door to door). Moan moan moan. I said "We had a lovely time, thanks for asking. "I'm sure you did" was the response. I had felt so happy having a nice evening with DS. And now I feel sad, deflated and full of anxiety. I don't understand this. I hardly ever go out, let alone with DS. Why was it a problem - is it so effing unreasonable of me to expect to be able to enjoy an evening out now and then without being made to feel anxious about something or other back home? AIBU?

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/10/2015 00:07

By mammoth post-mortem do you mean mammoth guilt tripping self pitying wingefest by your DH where he keeps badgering you until you agree with him to shut him up?

Hillfarmer · 29/10/2015 00:07

p.s. Why will you be having a mammoth post mortem tomorrow?

Tell him he is/was being unreasonable. You didn't ask him to do errands with dd. All you did was politely request that he look after his own daughter. What is he making a fuss about? You were enjoying a rare night out with your son. He did all he could to spoil it. If anything, you could be having a go at him for trying to ruin your evening. What sort of person does that? (Perhaps the answer to that question opens a whole can of worms OP - not a very nice one, is the answer). Good luck to you.

GruntledOne · 29/10/2015 00:08

He knew you couldn't get back before 10 at the earliest yet he was waiting to go out? Where on earth was he planning to go to? Why couldn't he go there any other night this week?

emotionsecho · 29/10/2015 00:08

He isn't 'lovely' he was determined to spoil your night out before you set foot out of the door.

I also can't get over the fact that he might have wanted to see the film and if he did his desire to see it would automatically override yours and you would have stayed at home, perhaps that's why you have a difficult relationship with your son - he invited you not your dh and yet he would have had to go with your dh instead if your dh said so.

Original poster

HoplaBobo · 29/10/2015 00:10

Donthaveausername - thank you - I am shaking with fear now I feel so disloyal to have shared this. I know this will sound typical and pathetic but he is not always like that and I can also be a pain in the backside. I have just lost all perspective on what is healthy and acceptable - like I am on a merrygoround.

OP posts:

Hillfarmer · 29/10/2015 00:10

Don't - I am giving OP constructive advice and calling her DH an arse. These things are not mutually exclusive.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 29/10/2015 00:11

Let's face it, OP, he was determined to ruin your evening with your son any way he could.

BackforGood · 29/10/2015 00:11

See, you lost me at :

DH said "Well I'd have to know what you were going to see in case I wanted to see it" (i.e. if he wanted to go I'd have to stay home to take care of DD) - he didn't want to see the film so it was agreed I would go

Can you really not see that this is not a thing anyone's partner would say in an equal, loving relationship ?
I'm not one to leap on to MN and shout 'controlling' at the first post, but you really need to ask yourself why you think his "right" to go and watch a film can somehow 'trump' a plan you had already made ??? Trust me, this is not how it works in a loving relationship.

Original poster

HoplaBobo · 29/10/2015 00:12

gruntled I had no idea he was planning to go out - he'd never said anything before.

OP posts:

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/10/2015 00:14

Why are you shaking with fear?
Serious questions:-
Do you feel he respects you?
Do you feel like an equal?
Do you give in for a quiet life?
Do you make sure you don't do things that annoy or upset him even if it means giving up something you want?
Is he your DS's dad?

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 29/10/2015 00:15

He was trying to think up any way possible to ruin your evening OP.

oh, you can go as long as it's not a film he wants to see.
oh, the errands were a nightmare with dd
oh, I wanted to go out and you ruined it.

He's been an arse - you have to talk to him about it, and if he doesn't see that he's being a dick, I don't know where you are.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 29/10/2015 00:17

I am shaking with fear now I feel so disloyal to have shared this.

Oh dear.

Please don't let DontHaveAUsername's clumsy attempt at 'advice' make you feel any worse than you already feel, OP. You should not be feeling guilt.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 29/10/2015 00:17

Or fear!

ohtheholidays · 29/10/2015 00:18

Hopla your husband behaved appallingly.

He had to check if it was a film he would want to see and if he did you wouldn't be allowed to go and he would go in your place(even though your DS wanted to spend some time alone with his Mum)please tell me you can see how abnormal that is.That is about as far away from a normal healthy relationship as possible Hopla it really is.

Your husband is being controlling and I think you've seen that for yourself.

For your sake and the sake of your 2DC you need to think about what you want to do about your relationship with your husband and the way he treats you.Honestly if it was me I'd want the relationship to end,I've been in a similar situation twice sadly in the past.

But if you want to do all you can to keep the relationship,then I'd start by talking to your husband.
Try and talk to him when you both have the time,aren't overly stressed and the children are out of the house or in bed asleep.Tell him how your left feeling when things like this happen.Speak to him about how you'd like yours and his relationship to work for all your sakes his included.

Then you can see where your be able to go from there.

By the way I think it was lovely that your DS wanted to spend time alone with you,it sounds like you both had a really good time,I know it's hard but try not to let your husbands attitude spoil the memories of the lovely time you had with your son and I hope you get many more times of spending some quality time together just you and your DS.

DontHaveAUsername · 29/10/2015 00:18

Hillfarmer you might be giving constructive advice but it's still really rude to go around calling people an "arse" because they've done something wrong. I don't understand the motivation for doing it unless it's venting frustration but the only person I can see who could justifiably be frustrated at him is the OP herself.

Hopla it's not disloyal to have shared it. But you do have to confront him, we can't solve your marriage problems. You said you can be a pain in the backside - EVERYONE in a relationship is a pain in the backside to the other person at some point, you put two humans together for a long period of time and it doesn't matter how well they get on they will start to annoy each other, you'll discover annoying quirks and so on. But the fact that you may be a pain in the backside to him at times (as he will no doubt be to you as well) isn't really an excuse for this kind of controlling behaviour.

bloodyteenagers · 29/10/2015 00:18

You shouldn't be living in fear in your own home.
A healthy relationship is about respect and being equals. Understanding that each person is their own person and not to be treated like a child. Even a child in the relationship has a voice. A healthy relationship isn't about asking permission, of course there is some dialogue but not to ask permission. A healthy relationship should never involve fear of another person.

IguanaTail · 29/10/2015 00:19

That's because he wasn't going to go out. He only said that so you would feel the default position should be that you remain at home. How about getting one of those calendars where you write down when you're going out etc. That might make it clearer. Side-step the post-mortem. It doesn't have to be a big deal - just have a clear planner stuck to the fridge. Commend him on doing a great job and encourage him that with more practice he will be even better.

Sorry to have called him a name. I just don't think he is treating you very respectfully from what you have said.

DontStopBelievin · 29/10/2015 00:19

He sounds petty and jealous. Why would he get to go instead of you if he wanted to see the film, he wasn't the one invited.
This. Why would he automatically get to go instead?
As for the replying with 'sorry' when he texted you with random day to day childcare dealings, just why are you sorry?
He should just deal with it.
Do you randomly update him with every minor whine/tantrum/disagreement/hiccup of toddler dealings when he's at work or just out and about?
I bet you don't. Why is it any different when it's you?

Original poster

HoplaBobo · 29/10/2015 00:20

I have to go now. Thank you everyone. I think I should delete this thread. Is that possible?

OP posts:

bloodyteenagers · 29/10/2015 00:23

Hopla, gain something from the thread.
Make the first step.
Contact woman's aid.

If you are scared that he is going to get physical, don't confront him. If he his aggressive call the police.

werewolfinladderedtights · 29/10/2015 00:24

hoopla I think he is blowing hot and cold to keep you always off balance. You sound as if you are constantly on edge trying to avoid upsetting him and then facing the fallout. The fallout being you causing him to be unhappy.
I had a husband like that, it's horrible walking on eggshells trying not to cause a bad atmosphere. But it's not you causing the bad feeling, it's him.
I saw a review for that film it looked good. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Don't feel responsible for his cockishness. You have done nothing wrong.

IguanaTail · 29/10/2015 00:24

You can ask. Or you can hide it.

DontStopBelievin · 29/10/2015 00:24

Then he rang me (in Spain) to tell me they'd run out of butter.

I'm sorry. I actually just snorted. good job everyone's in bed asleep , dh and kids
Did you not just laugh out loud down the phone?! I know I would have!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/10/2015 00:26

You can ask MN to delete it by reporting your own post. They may agree to do so but it will probably be sometime during the day not immediately.

I can understand that the responses on this thread might have been a shock especially if you are caught up in a situation. All I can say is that I don't think your DH was fair or reasonable and you will find support if you want to post again.

werewolfinladderedtights · 29/10/2015 00:26

If you contact Mnhq they will delete

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