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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DH to go away for 6 weeks?

110 replies

anotherBadAvatar · 28/10/2015 20:27

Gah. Can't work out if AIBU or not.

Background:
1 DD aged 13m. 1 large dog. Both DH and I work FT, but my hours are compressed into 3.5days. DD is in nursery for those days. I bring in 2/3 of the household income, DH 1/3. My commute is 45mins-1hr each way. We have no family closer than 2 hours away.

Problem:
DH wants to do a course next year through work. It is residential and will involve him being away Mon-Fri for 6 weeks. It is non-essential to his career, but may lead to other opportunities in the future, and he is very keen to do it for job satisfaction reasons.

I really, really don't want him to go on this course because how difficult it is going to make things for me for that 6 weeks. I rely on DH to be able to do the majority of nursery pick-ups since my compressed days mean longer hours. I'm really worried how I will cope with it all, and can't see any way that I can make nursery pick-ups with my commute every day. Work is obviously not going to let me take 6 weeks off. My DM still works FT herself, and we are more or less NC with his parents.

If the situation was reversed, I wouldn't even consider going, but he is worried that the funding for this course will be withdrawn in the near future and then he will never get the opportunity to do it. I've told him that if he wants to do it, HE needs to come up with a workable solution.

So AIBU to tell him he can't go on this course? (since he hasn't come up with any ideas yet!)

OP posts:
museumum · 28/10/2015 20:31

Well I'd say you would be unreasonable if it were just that you didn't want him to go.
But it's not about what you want is it? It's about what's possible. If you work about ten hours a day on your long days then you just can't pick up your dd from nursery. You can't take six weeks holiday and it would be ridiculous for you to resign.
So he can't do it. Not because you don't want him to but because it's logistically impossible.

Original poster
anotherBadAvatar · 28/10/2015 20:34

His only suggestion so far has been for me to use my annual leave and take all my afternoons off. At a stretch, this might be feasible, but then I'd be using all my leave just to facilitate this course which I'd really bloody resent.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 28/10/2015 20:36

I would not facilitate this to my own detriment

It doesn't sound like it is possible for him to do this course. The End.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 28/10/2015 20:36

I don't think he is being unreasonable to want to do this if it might lead to further opportunities, but you need to work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

It's not helpful for him to swan off into the sunset with no regard for how you will arrange childcare. Likewise, it's not helpful for you to refuse to come up with a solution and effectively be obstructive.

Could you work 5 shorter days for that period so that you can manage drop off and pick ups? Could you work the weekends for that period, when DH will be there?

Six weeks sounds like a long time and it might not be much fun, but in reality it's really not that long.

CMOTDibbler · 28/10/2015 20:37

If he could come up with a plan (and funds) to cover the 3 days a week you need nursery pick up cover and possibly a dog walker as well, then I'd say for him to do it (but he does all household admin, online food shops, present buying online etc while away in the week, no coursework to come home).

It could well be that one of the nursery staff would bring your dd home and babysit till you were back - we used to do that - but as you say its for him to sort.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 28/10/2015 20:38

Sorry, x post. To expect you to use all your annual leave to facilitate this is ludicrous and selfish.

WorkingBling · 28/10/2015 20:38

Your employer wouldn't like it either. It might not cost them anything but productivity would go down.

Can you pay someone to pick her up? If it's in holidays perhaps a student or similar? Or often nursery staff will do this kind of thing with the added benefit that they know you and your child already?

He needs to come up with a solution that does not require you to have to struggle at work. It's one thing to sacrifice a bit to help your partner but this does feel a bit much.

petalsandstars · 28/10/2015 20:39

I'm assuming you work compressed hours to then look after DC on the other days? HINBU to want to do the course but YANBU to say he needs to figure out a solution to the problems created by him not being there.

Would it be possible to call in favours from friends and finish/start at more regular hours for some of the time?

I plan our family calendar with precision and if DH wants to change shift/do something else when he is responsible for the DC then I refuse to reorganise childcare he has to do it himself.

Purplepoodle · 28/10/2015 20:40

I think you should try and find solutions together for this. It's a good idea for him to do the course if it's funded and may increase further opportunities. Could you take unpaid leave with proviso dh save up from his spending money to cover money lost. Or could you arrange with one of nursery staff to do extra childcare?

MsVestibule · 28/10/2015 20:40

Would your employer agree for you to work your FT hours over 5 days for that 6 week period? That way you could do the nursery pick-ups and drop-offs every day.

I know it seems unfair that you're having to come up with solutions, but if he is going to go, I guess you have to get the one to pick up the slack.

WorkingBling · 28/10/2015 20:40

Also, could you do six weeks of full time over 4 or even 5 days and put dd into nursery for extra sessions but leave work earlier in order to do pick ups?

Lambzig · 28/10/2015 20:40

Could you afford some after nursery childcare for those six weeks? A temporary nanny?

I totally sympathise with you though. The only time DH and I fall out is when he glibly announces he is off to some random part of the globe next week without a thought about how I am supposed to work without him doing the after school pick up.

Reenskar · 28/10/2015 20:41

Could you ask nursery to take her for a few hours on the day you usually don't work and see if your employers would allow you to work more flexible hours to allow you to come in and leave earlier and make hours up on day 5? I don't think YABU to say no but I would try and explore all options first. I am in a similar situation (FT work, dog needs walking, one 2 yr old ds although I can JUST fit in pick ups) with husband about to go away for 4 months so I know it can be v stressful fitting it all in and completely understand your reaction.

Reenskar · 28/10/2015 20:42

Sorry cross posts!

petalsandstars · 28/10/2015 20:43

Definitely not fair for you to use all your annual leave to cover this.

Original poster
anotherBadAvatar · 28/10/2015 20:44

I don't think I'm being obstructive. I just want him to come up with an effective solution which doesn't involve all sacrificing to be done by me.

He was massively stressed this weekend as I was on call through work, which meant him looking after DD all of Fri pm/night, most of Sat and then all of Sun again. I was pretty fucking pissed off to be honest. He moans at having to shoulder all of the load for one weekend, but is quite happy to leave me to it for 6 weeks.

Jesus. So much respect for anyone doing this on their own. Just the thought of having to do this all for 6 weeks makes me baulk.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 28/10/2015 20:44

I domt think he is bu to want to do something that may benefit his career.

As your hours are cutrently compressed, could you un-compress them for those weeks so you could do drop off and pick ups?

Could he take your child with him mon-fri and her go to a nursery there?

CalleighDoodle · 28/10/2015 20:45

Xp with your last post. Er, if he isnt willing to do a weekend id be not heloing him in the slightest. But that doesnt sound like a good marriage...

Fluffy24 · 28/10/2015 20:45

I'd be wary of using your leave for childcare unless he also does the same.

It's tough when you're tired, can't take any more leave, but you see OH still had his leave left - I'd def avoid that as it causes tension at least exactly the wrong time.

Could you use leave as he suggests but only on the proviso that he then uses the same amount of leave to give you a break at another time?

I don't think YABU to say he can't do it, but will you feel bad about it at some point later?

CalleighDoodle · 28/10/2015 20:46

6 week placement au pair?

Or oermenant au pair and throw his demanding selfish arse out?

AnyFucker · 28/10/2015 20:47

I would be even less inclined to make sacrifices if it was clear he would never reciprocate, and makes a bloody meal out of routine stuff like when you were on call

LaurieMarlow · 28/10/2015 20:47

I agree with PurplePoodle. Sounds like a great opportunity for his personal development and you should be trying to accommodate him if possible - though obviously he should be taking the lead in finding solutions to the pick up issues and so on.

Original poster
anotherBadAvatar · 28/10/2015 20:49

We are in a more privileged position than some, already have dog walker and cleaner, so those bases are covered.

Trying not to drip feed, but I will occasionally have to be on call in the week as well. Obviously will not be able to do this for the duration he is away. Don't know how work will react to this. I've only been in this job for 1.5 months since I went back off maternity leave (interviewed for it when I was off work). Not going to look great when I go asking for loads of time off next year.

OP posts:
Original poster
anotherBadAvatar · 28/10/2015 20:53

CalleighDoodle Trust me, it's a good marriage! We're very happy (most of the time Grin) This has become a bit of an elephant in the room at the moment. He does well with DD, but finds doing everything stressful (as we all do at times). He quite happily picks up the slack and has done so much to facilitate me getting this job that I almost feel like I "owe him one" since I know he doesn't like the role he's in right now and is looking for a change in the future.

OP posts:
whooshbangprettycolours · 28/10/2015 20:56

It would be lively for him, but you're life just doesn't allow for this right now. It's what happens when one has kids, work takes a hit.