to not want DH to go away for 6 weeks?

[anotherBadAvatar]

Gah. Can't work out if AIBU or not.

Background:
1 DD aged 13m. 1 large dog. Both DH and I work FT, but my hours are compressed into 3.5days. DD is in nursery for those days. I bring in 2/3 of the household income, DH 1/3. My commute is 45mins-1hr each way. We have no family closer than 2 hours away.

Problem:
DH wants to do a course next year through work. It is residential and will involve him being away Mon-Fri for 6 weeks. It is non-essential to his career, but may lead to other opportunities in the future, and he is very keen to do it for job satisfaction reasons.

I really, really don't want him to go on this course because how difficult it is going to make things for me for that 6 weeks. I rely on DH to be able to do the majority of nursery pick-ups since my compressed days mean longer hours. I'm really worried how I will cope with it all, and can't see any way that I can make nursery pick-ups with my commute every day. Work is obviously not going to let me take 6 weeks off. My DM still works FT herself, and we are more or less NC with his parents.

If the situation was reversed, I wouldn't even consider going, but he is worried that the funding for this course will be withdrawn in the near future and then he will never get the opportunity to do it. I've told him that if he wants to do it, HE needs to come up with a workable solution.

So AIBU to tell him he can't go on this course? (since he hasn't come up with any ideas yet!)

Good Friday is 25th of March.

Topseyt

Otherwise, uncompress your hours temporarily as already suggested

I cannot get understand the number of people blithely assuming her employers can accommodate these "decompressed" hours for 6 weeks, then simply switch back! I would think it distinctly possible that the OPs employer may not allow her to change her working commitments. It would not be possible in my job, and I would never even suggest it because I know that to be the case.

Also, I think the impact of all these requests of her employers (soon after returning from ML and in a new job) will have on the their view of the OP needs to be considered. If she thinks it is liable to cause problems for her down the line, then that's something which needs careful consideration.

Jacks, I do not assume that they can. That was why it wasn't the first option I put up. It certainly wouldn't have been my preferred option.

It is an option along with all others which has to be considered, if only to discount it.

No harm in it being mentioned. Nobody has told OP to go dashing straight to her employer with it at all. I certainly haven't.

Is he a prison officer Op? Just a hunch as a friend had a very similar situation a while back!

As for all those posters saying imagine having him away for months at a time presumably op wouldn't be in the job she's in now as it would be unmanageable to do it alone!

What hours are you out of the house on your long days?

It's actually just not possible is it OP? Why are you finding it hard to tell him?

YABU, you say he facilitated you in getting your new job and now you're not willing to help him move his career in the direction of something he will enjoy too?

Maybe he's fed up of the constant comments re earnings, you keep mentioning it on here so it's likely it comes up often in real life too. Maybe he thinks it's a way of gaining more money elsewhere.

It's six weeks months away, plenty of time to find a sitter, au pair or student. When you love someone you try and find solutions.

If this was you working for a lower wage and he as the main earner refused to assist you in doing a course for your career would you be happy? Of course not.

Whilst I think his expectation that you change your hours, or take holiday are totally fucking unreasonable - I think there could be a way to do this.

You can get temporary nannies - plenty of time to get that in place. If you have the money this wouldn't be a problem. You could also consider a temporary live in nanny if you have a spare room.

If you have the money you can get a temporary cleaner to come in 2x a week to do the laundry and stuff to take the domestic load off.

If you don't have any money spare in the bank, then I suppose it is a non starter. But if you could afford it, albeit with sacrifices, then worth exploring.

DH could drive down early Monday morning and be back Friday night so only away 4 nights.

DH could do all the 'life admin' stiff remotely whilst away.

However like you say he should be the one who is coming up with the solutions and sorting it out. By his very suggestion that you just take every afternoon as holiday I think he is a price who resents that you earn more but hopefully I'm wrong.

I'd also expect him to be really fucking grateful and make it up to me in a big way that he had left me in the shit for 6 weeks for no real tangible benefit.

I'd need to assess his motivation as well, does he really think this will improve his career or is he just a dreamer? Is he lazy the rest of the time?

This does not compare to someone who has to work away as in that case the domestic arrangements would have to be set up like that to accommodate it.

The fact you earn more is relevant. You shouldn't jeopardise the higher earers job for the sake of some personal development for the other person! And asking for a change in hours could napped ids the relic ship you have at work.

What about his parents? Can he get them to stay and do the childcare?

It's relevant that you earn more.... You won't want to be asking your employer massive favours this early on.

He wants to do the course whixh may/may not benefit him/family in the future.

Given all the demands it is logistically impossible without someobe picking up all the stress /loose ends.

For me the best option is to free up some money - if you could wave 6-700£ in the face of a struggling social work/nursing student - or do you have any pals with 6th former kids who would jump at the chance to do some paid work?

That should make it massively easier all round.

What about putting it this way:

• He can't afford the course at the moment because of the time.
• He can't afford to do the course at the moment because of the money, either (hence the rush to do it before funding expires).

Therefore, it is simply unaffordable at the moment.

However, if he waits, he can do it at a time when you as a family have saved up the money (notably you not just off mat leave!) and leave/ can book in suitable childcare which gives you both the time.

Development courses are good, but if they have to come out of stretched, shared time-and-money budgets, they may need to be put off! He might even get more out of the course if he has more preparation time.

I've been thinking about this one since OP posted yesterday.

I think if it was a role reversal and the woman wanted to do the course, there'd be different responses. I'm the beta earner in our household, but if I felt a course was important for my professional development I'd make sure I was on it - difference is that I'd set up the childcare arrangements to support it.

To me the key issue here is the fact that the DH has just assumed that he can do it and that childcare will magically sort itself out. Perhaps somewhere in the back of his mind, or maybe not so far back, is the unconscious construct that somehow childcare is wimmin's work and therefore not for him to bother with, even though he earns a lot less than the OP, so logically his is the Beta job.

I agree totally with whois's post - it is possible to arrange temporary childcare. Expensive, a bit of a pain and a bit disruptive for the DCs but totally possible if you throw money at it. If you can afford it as a family then it may be worth it as an investment in your DH's future, but he needs to realise that it is a sacrifice and start stepping up to the plate in terms of looking after his own DC when you're working at the weekend.