to not want DH to go away for 6 weeks?

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Gah. Can't work out if AIBU or not.

Background:
1 DD aged 13m. 1 large dog. Both DH and I work FT, but my hours are compressed into 3.5days. DD is in nursery for those days. I bring in 2/3 of the household income, DH 1/3. My commute is 45mins-1hr each way. We have no family closer than 2 hours away.

Problem:
DH wants to do a course next year through work. It is residential and will involve him being away Mon-Fri for 6 weeks. It is non-essential to his career, but may lead to other opportunities in the future, and he is very keen to do it for job satisfaction reasons.

I really, really don't want him to go on this course because how difficult it is going to make things for me for that 6 weeks. I rely on DH to be able to do the majority of nursery pick-ups since my compressed days mean longer hours. I'm really worried how I will cope with it all, and can't see any way that I can make nursery pick-ups with my commute every day. Work is obviously not going to let me take 6 weeks off. My DM still works FT herself, and we are more or less NC with his parents.

If the situation was reversed, I wouldn't even consider going, but he is worried that the funding for this course will be withdrawn in the near future and then he will never get the opportunity to do it. I've told him that if he wants to do it, HE needs to come up with a workable solution.

So AIBU to tell him he can't go on this course? (since he hasn't come up with any ideas yet!)

I would sit down with him and say well done for passing preselection course, you want to be supportive but can you both think together how this can be managed. Sounds to me like childcare for your two long days might work - at a cost, what else needs to be done to make it easier for you? Make a list, together.

You will need to employ someone on a temporary basis for the 6 weeks to help out. it would be the only way to avoid a very stressful situation.

Using up leave to cover childcare is rubbish but necessary for some families, but it works both ways.

If he whines about childcare when OP is on call and doesn't just get on with it why does he get to benefit from her entire annual leave entitlement plus then have his own to play with.

Doesn't sound like he's pulling his weight to me. Especially as the jolly course is for his benefit alone at this point.

Different case entirely if he'd said there's this course, I wouldn't be here for 6 weeks but I've spoken to MIL /nursery worker and if you could do X y z then they'll do a b c and although it'd really be a pain it would be doable and I'd really appreciate it. Plus you'd have xy weekend to have a rest after. But I don't think he's said anything like that.

Ach. Annoying if he's not considering the practical implications, and with you being only 6 weeks into a new job I can see how stressful just the thought of this would be. However, for the greater good in the future, 6 weeks now is really doable - it will seem like ages but actually is not solo bad. (School summer holidays length!)

Team meeting when he's back off the course, to thoroughly explore how it might work and how much it will cost to make it work. Definitely make him see that it's not as simple as he would like it to seem.

Sounds as if temporary childcare (newly-qualified nanny/au pair/student nursery nurse) is the way forward, and you arranging your negotiable hours around it as best as possible.

If necessary I would take 1 week of annual leave, but no more. It doesn't sound as if you can cover it any other way than with paid childcare for the duration, as you don't have any family who could pitch in, and anyway if you need to use a paid solution for some of it then it may well be easier to get someone for a longer period of 6 weeks than to bother for 3 weeks, say.

Of course your dh should go. Get an aupair. 6 weeks Mon-Fri is hardly a long time for letting your dh get on with his career.

Yes, you need to work something out. Childminder to collect? I don't think either of you are being unreasonable - you cannot obviously make it work with your current hours, and he wants to do this for the whole family's future, it's not like he's off on holiday. But unless some arrangements are made it won't be practically possible.

Tell him it's fine to go as long as HE arranges childcare - whether that's a nanny or au pair or whatever. It shouldn't be down to you to do all the running around.

Oh wow - this is tricky. I'd look at it purely in factual terms. You earn double what he does. This course won't help him to increase his earnings, in actual fact, it will cost the family as a whole - financially and emotionally. So - it doesnt make sense for him to go ahead.

If I were you, I really wouldn't be risking what sounds like a really flexible set up in a well paid job for his secondary role, which only brings in 1/3 of your household income. No one in their right mind would do that! I'm sorry, but I really don't think it's fair that he's essentially asking you to pay for him to have a jolly for six weeks, and then do all the household and childcare stuff on top, when you have your own lucrative career to run as well.

Sounds like you both need to sit down and plan what is best for you both in the context of your family. I am wondering if you are a doctor by the sounds of your on-calls and the larger salary you keep talking about.
If I were in your situation I would take some leave, and plan to request a nursery worker to help, or go through an agency mentioned above.
You said your mum works full-time - might she want to take leave to help out and have some time with her grandchild?
It's not as if he's swanning off on a jaunt for 6 weeks. Many people have to accommodate partners being away for long periods and there are ways round it.

OP, whatever job you are in, and however much you are paid (you do keep mentioning your differences in income which I hope you aren't doing at home as that will undermine him), you say he did a lot to facilitate you in getting it.
Sounds like you should encourage him to do the course, with the proviso that he assists in finding solutions for the time he is away in the week.

He isn't being unreasonable for wanting to do this course. He is being unreasonable for expecting you do pick up all the slack and not coming up with any real solutions.

YANBU to say no if he cannot come up with a workable solution.

I imagine that your employer would not be keen on "uncompressing" your hours for 6 weeks- this could mean re-organising lots of peoples working patterns/duties and impact on managing workload. It may not be possible even if they would consider it.

I would not be using all my annual leave to facilitate this- and again, your employer may not allow this (I know it would not be possible for me to take off every afternoon for 6 weeks).

I've only been in this job for 1.5 months since I went back off maternity leave (interviewed for it when I was off work). Not going to look great when I go asking for loads of time off next year.

If you think this would cause difficulties for you at work, then you shouldn't do it.

You could look into extra childcare, but this can be difficult to get for short-term, and from experience early morning/late evenings can be even more so. I think you should suggest to your DH that HE needs to look into and organise child-minder/nanny if that is what it is going to take. You should not be doing all the donkey work.

Ultimately, if he wants to go onto this course then your DH needs to come up with a workable plan that will facilitate that AND he needs to organise it. If he cannot come up with a workable plan, then he can't go- not because you are being obstructive/difficult but because it is simply not practically possible.

It's clear that it's not going to be feasible to do the course at this time. He needs to put it on the back burner until your dd is older and needs less childcare. Those are the sort of sacrifices we have to make when we become parents.

If he wants to go he needs to think up some solutions which you can discuss and decide together. It's not your job to facilitate this.

Btw, I'd be really uncomfortable telling my DP "no" on the basis that I out-earned him. Sure, you need to prioritise your job, but if you can do that by paying for childcare support the only decision is if that is financially viable. The course may not increase his earning potential, but the whole of life is not about who can earn the most money. Career satisfaction and self-determination are really incredibly important, and if this course is likely to benefit your DP in those ways in the future then if it is possible to accommodate it then you should explore that. Not at a cost to your own career - that would be stupid - but if your job can be unaffected as far as possible for those 6 weeks then it's just whether you can afford to pay the extra to enable him to do the course?

But you should also be making it damn clear that you'll be booking some lovely weekends away for at least 3 of those 6 weeks!

The OP did say that the funding for the course might be withdrawn and if that happens he presumably can't do it at a later stage.

if you have the space, get an au pair for 6 weeks. morning / evening part time care of one child is ideal work for an au pair. but make your DH do the leg work of sorting it out.

They could save up for the funding. I think her dh is just saying that to try and get some leverage.

The only problem with him sorting child care while ideologically he should - will it fit your needs and will it be someone you are comfortable with, as it will be you dealing with it during the six weeks? I personally would do the arranging to suit my needs and give me flexibility plus perhas additional help around the house BUT ask DH to pay and have a spa weekend when he got back (not really but it always seams to be the done thing on here)

6 weeks Monday to Friday is nothing. Try doing 4 months where they don't come home at all, or 6 months where they might get a week or two him at some point.

I think he should go. You will cope, you'll get into a routine and you'll be fine. Start looking for childcare and solutions now, as a team. It's 5 months away there's plenty of time to sort things out.

I would use a weeks AL at the most, maybe the 3rd week.

I admit mine are 6 and 9 years old and most of the time mon-fri due to DH job I am on my own, it is a struggle and I do get lonely in the evenings.

I really don't know how single parents do it, by the weekend I am tired but at least DH is here then to lighten the load. ( it's why I find working weekends hard but got to be done as I'm NHS)

I would hate DH for putting me in the position to veto any of his plans. I would much prefer if he had solutions and a plan before informing me of the course.

I don't see why the OP should have to make him going on the course a possibility, the DH should be making it so he can go on the course without to much of an upheaval for his wife.

The thing that would bother me about insisting that your DH arranges childcare to cover his course is that it isn't an issue to him. HE will be away on his course, not the one having to deal with the fallout of that - so he might not really put it at the head of his list of things to consider.

Which could end up meaning that he swans off on his course with nothing concrete in place, and you have to pick up the slack.

He might pull his finger out of course, but it doesn't sound like he's trying very hard so far, does it - so I wouldn't bank on it.

You are going to have to put in at least half the hard work to sort out this problem, because otherwise it won't be sorted adequately (IME).

I think it's reasonable to try and facilitate him going on this course; but of course he should put SOME effort into it himself! I just have no reliance on the person whom it will least affect actually doing that. (Again IME, I'm projecting, I know, but it's not just me it happens to)

It's all very well for those PP's talking about "being part of a team" and putting up with a crap time for 6 weeks/using all your annual leave/causing difficulties for yourself at work because you need to be supportive of your husband- but surely the OPs DH is also a member of this "team"? He's not really acting like it at the moment.

As part of "the team" OP's DH needs to put a lot of effort in to find ways to make this work because he is expecting his wife to pick up the slack to allow him to go (so her part of the teamwork aspect is to pick up the extra work caused by his absence, within the realms of possibility). That is his part of the "teamwork". So he does need to come up with a plan and find the childcare etc if that is what it takes. I don't think it fair to ask her to use most/all of her annual leave. We all need a break that is actually a break. He can't dump it all on the OP. That is not teamwork, that is being a lazy, selfish arse.

Also, not sure what some posters think OP is supposed to do if her work won't allow her to change hours for 6 weeks then change back? Or if they won't just let her have every afternoon off during her long-shifts. What if they can't organise cover for the on-calls for those 6 weeks? I know in my job this would be almost impossible to facilitate via change to working hours, it may be the same for OP. That means extra childcare may be the only solution- if that is the case, then they need to decide if they can afford it and agree that what is available is suitable.

I can see it from both sides. I don't think it is selfish of him to want to do the course now because the opportunities for it are likely to dry up in the near future when funding is withdrawn.

It is the logistical problems it poses whilst you have a small child that need to be worked through.

Could you check out childminders for availability to pick your DD up from nursery for those weeks and have her until you can get back?

Otherwise, uncompress your hours temporarily as already suggested.

As for weekends, would your DH only be away Monday - Friday, so back home for most of the weekends? Or did I misunderstand there? If he is back at weekends then you could still be on call and just ignore him if he whinges about that.

You have a fair point. He does too. You have to see if the logistics can be thrashed out.

Just an extra thought but Easter is in March next year, so will he be home for good Friday and bank hoilday Monday, if he is would that mean the course is longer than 6 weeks to make up the 2 lost days.

Don't get sucked into this OP. You risk damaging your own career by seeming unreliable after just returning after ML. As well as being stressed and overwrought by it all (and its clear that you are already).

Of course its bloody relevant that you earn twice as much as him! Mumsnet has some strange rule where you're not allowed to mention how much you earn as everyone is forced to be equal, but in real life its vital.

6 weeks is also far too long for him to swan off on a non-essential course that won't increase his earning potential. Its pretty much unreasonable for anyone. 2 weeks maybe, but 6? Its hardly a good use of time.

Who pays for this course and why? It seems an awfully expensive way of training an employee not to progress. Does he work in sales?