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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want DH to go away for 6 weeks?

110 replies

anotherBadAvatar · 28/10/2015 20:27

Gah. Can't work out if AIBU or not.

Background:
1 DD aged 13m. 1 large dog. Both DH and I work FT, but my hours are compressed into 3.5days. DD is in nursery for those days. I bring in 2/3 of the household income, DH 1/3. My commute is 45mins-1hr each way. We have no family closer than 2 hours away.

Problem:
DH wants to do a course next year through work. It is residential and will involve him being away Mon-Fri for 6 weeks. It is non-essential to his career, but may lead to other opportunities in the future, and he is very keen to do it for job satisfaction reasons.

I really, really don't want him to go on this course because how difficult it is going to make things for me for that 6 weeks. I rely on DH to be able to do the majority of nursery pick-ups since my compressed days mean longer hours. I'm really worried how I will cope with it all, and can't see any way that I can make nursery pick-ups with my commute every day. Work is obviously not going to let me take 6 weeks off. My DM still works FT herself, and we are more or less NC with his parents.

If the situation was reversed, I wouldn't even consider going, but he is worried that the funding for this course will be withdrawn in the near future and then he will never get the opportunity to do it. I've told him that if he wants to do it, HE needs to come up with a workable solution.

So AIBU to tell him he can't go on this course? (since he hasn't come up with any ideas yet!)

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 28/10/2015 21:24

Also if he doesn't enjoy his role now he'll be keen to do this if it could facilitate a change in direction.

VimFuego101 · 28/10/2015 21:24

I would try and support him if it was really important to him. But you can't burn through all your AL to do it, he needs to be proactive and suggest possible solutions.

trufflehunterthebadger · 28/10/2015 21:25

Why should you either use up all of your annual leave (without even getting a break)

because that's what you do when you are a team ??

Original poster

anotherBadAvatar · 28/10/2015 21:25

I really don't mind supporting him as I know how much he wants to do this course. What is really pissing me off is his lack of practical suggestions (trust me, I have already considered if an au pair/nanny etc would be possible), but why the hell should it come to me to organise?

If I come down hard and say that there is no workable way to do this, he will accept it, but resent me for it . At the moment, I will resent him even more when he's away and I'm having to pull the slack by myself. It seems like either way, one of us is always going to lose.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 28/10/2015 21:28

if I had to use one week of my annual leave, maybe

but this much ?

no, annual leave is precious and should be a break ...it shouldn't be eaten up in this way.

AnyFucker · 28/10/2015 21:28

why do you need to "tell" him it is unworkable ?

can't he see that for himself ?

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 28/10/2015 21:28

And definitely agree with truffle

You are a team. i would be wary of the 'absolutely not, just think of how hard it will be for you' brigade. Sometimes upheaval and inconvenience lead to better things. Not saying you absolutely should go ahead with his plan but definitely saying you should be on his side working through this rather than antagonistic. Maybe that way he will also help come up with more feasible solutions for nursery pick ups.

roamer2 · 28/10/2015 21:29

Perhaps you could get an au pair/childminder for the six weeks?

AnyFucker · 28/10/2015 21:30

was he considering the "team" when he was pulling his kite at some routine childcare he was "forced" to do on a routine weekend when op was on call ?

trufflehunterthebadger · 28/10/2015 21:33

the differnce is,op, that you will be resentful and cross for 6 weeks. if your DH can't go on the course and is stuck in a job he hates for years he will directly link that with you refusing to let him develop his career and the resentment may well bubble away for years. especially if the course is withdrawn and he never gets the chance again

i was stuck in a job i really did not enjoy for 5 years trying to get out. if i had had an opportunity to do something and dh had blocked it due to inconvenience to himself i would have been very upset and resentful as he knew how much i hated it. fortunately dh would do anything to support me in my career, despite him earning quite a bit more than me.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 28/10/2015 21:36

but why the hell should it come to me to organise? Do you feel honestly and truly this is a good enough reason to stop him doing the course? Maybe you are better at organising it. Maybe he is better than you at doing other things and pulls his weight there.
I will resent him even more when he's away and I'm having to pull the slack by myself. it's only 6 weeks. Not forever. And if you know it's going to be hard then plan ahead and make sure you have extra help - whether that means online shopping or did an extra session in nursery so u can have a morning off or the cleaner comes more frequently. And also make a plan with dh for every weekend - he will give u a lie in every Sunday while he takes dd out for the morning. He is responsible for dinner on Saturday and Sunday. You have quality family time on Saturdays afternoons.
FWIW dh and I discovered a whole new side to our family dynamic and it made us put more effort into being a family at weekends n

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 28/10/2015 21:36

Truffle, if you have a member in a team who expects so much of their partner but can't even pull their weight for one weekend then you have a pretty shitty "team" member!

SimLondon · 28/10/2015 21:37

Is there not a different shorter course he can go on which will get him the same experience / qualification? a 6 week residential is fairly unusual isn't it unless it's something like on joining the armed forces.

Original poster

anotherBadAvatar · 28/10/2015 21:41

Oh, the irony is that he's away on a course this week. (it's the pre-selection course which he's required to pass). He gleefully told me that he's passed and can go on the March one now. It's been a bloody stressful week already, and this is only one week, let alone 6!

Initially the course was planned for Jan, but he had something come up which meant he couldn't do that one. I am ashamed to say I was so secretly relieved when that one got cancelled. At least he/we have a bit longer to sort out a solution.

OP posts:

thegiddylimit · 28/10/2015 21:42

He has to sort out the childcare for those 6 weeks without any impact on your work. That should be non-negotiable. No annual leave, no changing hours (legally you can only change them once a year I think). And no cadging favours off mates, that's how you lose them.

I can't believe you took the bulk of the parental leave when your DD was small, are only just back at work, working a compressed week with a big commute and now he wants you to mess around your work for his (not even financial) benefit.

TBH in your situation I'd be insisting he does a fair share of the childcare, e.g why doesn't he work PT at the moment if he is the lower earner? I suspect if the situation was reversed he'd tell you 'you give up work to look after DD while I go and have a lovely career.' Instead you seem to be doing all the compromising now you have a child and he doesn't?

Anyway that's irrelevant, tell him he can go but he needs to find someone else to do the wrap around-childcare (au pair probably being the best solution) and he has to pay for it. If he does that then he can go on the course, if he leave it to you then he can't go. That is rule in our house, whoever wants to work outside our normal routines has to sort out the childcare to facilitate their choices.

Original poster

anotherBadAvatar · 28/10/2015 21:42

SimLondon Not armed services, but pretty damned close.

OP posts:

Original poster

anotherBadAvatar · 28/10/2015 21:46

thegiddylimit We are considering him dropping his hours (that's why wage is relevant), since it would be less of an impact on the household income if he loses some hours. We agreed that we would give this a go with us both working FT until at least Christmas, and re-evaluate. We have a lot of decisions to make soon, i.e., should we move to make my commute more manageable? Get a nanny for the Thurs and Fri anyway when I work long days, or even if DH should stop working Fridays? We don't know the answers yet, but we know that our current situation is unlikely to be manageable in the long term.

OP posts:

Alanna1 · 28/10/2015 21:48

Could you ask if any if the staff at nursery would help you out for 6 weeks?

Original poster

anotherBadAvatar · 28/10/2015 21:51

I can ask at the nursery, but DD has only been there for 6 weeks herself, so I don't know any of the staff that well yet.

OP posts:

Phineyj · 28/10/2015 21:54

I think OP earning twice as much is relevant because if she ends up annoying her employer through being flakey or overtired for these 6 weeks, they're risking the salary they (presumably) live on.

Phineyj · 28/10/2015 21:55

Try www.sitters.co.uk for a quote. We have found them good in awkward hours childcare situations.

Sagethyme · 28/10/2015 21:56

As others have mentioned maybe consider an aupair, or since you have already mentioned a nanny try it for six weeks, maybe consider putting feelers out for a student looking to do child care or a norland nanny student? It is hard juggling work, childcare, pets etc when a DP works away, but it is only a one off 6 weeks and is possible. If your DH company will pay for it, then surely its worth taking this oppotunity. No training is ever wasted. Obvs you and your DH need to discuss this in more detail, but six weeks really is doable, hard yes, but impossible no.
Good luck with finding a solution which works for you both.

AnyFucker · 28/10/2015 21:57

So he is going ahead anyway ?

The decision has already been made, has it not ?

Original poster

anotherBadAvatar · 28/10/2015 21:58

Going to see who leaves the Apprentice now and head to bed.
Thanks to all for contributions. I think we have a lot to talk about....

OP posts:

nameinlights · 28/10/2015 22:00

Yanbu. My dd is the same age and I would find dh being away for 6 weeks really hard. I also work full time compressed hours. Dh does all the nursery runs as I have to leave for work too early and get home too late. When my dh goes away for work I have to get agreement from my manager to work shorter days and make up the time later. My dh would never agree to going away for work without first checking that I can get this agreement from work.

I don't think it's unreasonable it's for him to want to do that course. It is unreasonable for him to act the way he is, expecting you to work this out. The annual leave suggestion is ridiculous and unfair.

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