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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DH to go away for 6 weeks?

110 replies

anotherBadAvatar · 28/10/2015 20:27

Gah. Can't work out if AIBU or not.

Background:
1 DD aged 13m. 1 large dog. Both DH and I work FT, but my hours are compressed into 3.5days. DD is in nursery for those days. I bring in 2/3 of the household income, DH 1/3. My commute is 45mins-1hr each way. We have no family closer than 2 hours away.

Problem:
DH wants to do a course next year through work. It is residential and will involve him being away Mon-Fri for 6 weeks. It is non-essential to his career, but may lead to other opportunities in the future, and he is very keen to do it for job satisfaction reasons.

I really, really don't want him to go on this course because how difficult it is going to make things for me for that 6 weeks. I rely on DH to be able to do the majority of nursery pick-ups since my compressed days mean longer hours. I'm really worried how I will cope with it all, and can't see any way that I can make nursery pick-ups with my commute every day. Work is obviously not going to let me take 6 weeks off. My DM still works FT herself, and we are more or less NC with his parents.

If the situation was reversed, I wouldn't even consider going, but he is worried that the funding for this course will be withdrawn in the near future and then he will never get the opportunity to do it. I've told him that if he wants to do it, HE needs to come up with a workable solution.

So AIBU to tell him he can't go on this course? (since he hasn't come up with any ideas yet!)

OP posts:
whooshbangprettycolours · 28/10/2015 20:56

Your* I'm blaming auto correct and the kids

winchester1 · 28/10/2015 20:56

Could you take a short term aupair or change your hrs to normal hrs short term?

Bookeatingboy · 28/10/2015 20:57

Was going to say YABU... but after reading your last post I don't think you are!

If he can't be arsed to do it for one weekend when you're at work without having a strop, then why should you do it for 6 weeks.

blankblink · 28/10/2015 20:57

Temp childcare to cover the 6 week course, hours to suit whatever you are doing. He has time to save up and pay for it as a 'thank-you' to you.

ajandjjmum · 28/10/2015 20:59

When would the course be next year? Does he have any choice of dates?

Would anyone at the nursery be able to cover for you, so that DD would be with someone she knows? Someone might be glad of the extra money. Smile

Hope you can find a solution that works for you both.

K1mberly · 28/10/2015 21:00

If you are just back from maternity leave, it won't look good to be asking for lots of favours from work . How much parental leave did your Dh take ?

Mintyy · 28/10/2015 21:03

What kind of course requires him to be away for weekends as well?

paisleypark · 28/10/2015 21:04

Don't know if this is helpful, but you are entitled to parental leave, albeit unpaid, see www.gov.uk/parental-leave. I think the rules around this must have recently changed as we used this leave in the summer and were able to take up to 6 weeks off if the child was under the age of 5 - I can't see any reference to this on .gov.uk now though which is a bit strange.

AnyFucker · 28/10/2015 21:04

it's Mon-Fri isn't it ?

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 28/10/2015 21:08

It just cannot be done unless there is a comprehensive back up plan in place for: nursery pick ups; dog walking; whatever the fuck would be supposed to happen if DD sick and off nursery. That is planned for, and paid for.

That said, if this creates career development opportunities for your H then it might be worth it in the long run, and it is better now than when your DC are in school and there is even less childcare flexibility. Is there no alternative option to 6 weeks residential? Evening class over a longer period? A few weekends away?

I would be well pissed off with the huffing and puffing about looking after DD whilst you are at work though.

TheOriginalMerylStrop · 28/10/2015 21:09

The annual leave/finishing early every day is a total nonstarter. Do not even pretend to consider it. Take a couple of days off maybe but muck your work about like that? No way.

K1mberly · 28/10/2015 21:10

I REALLY think you should avoid asking your employer to change your hours 6 weeks into a new job. I know you are legally entitled to ask but it doesn't look good , especially when it's not any kind of emergency .

Why would you be jeopardising your career to facilitate his ? You have already taken the hit taking some / all of the leave after the baby was born.

mysteryfairy · 28/10/2015 21:11

Full time hours over 3.5 days sounds horrendous. Do you do 3 10 and 1 5 hr days. I'm guessing if you worked over 5 days you'd be arriving and leaving through rush hour traffic so decompressing your hours might not even give you short enough days when you factor in the commute, even assuming work and childcare were amenable.

I think you're entitled to request unpaid leave so if finances allow you could request this and not work for the duration of the course, thus eliminating logistics problems. Not sure I'd dare with a new job and just back from maternity though.

It's annoying he didn't do the course whilst you were on maternity leave. Do you have any plans for baby number two and could he delay the course until then? Still tough for you and not ideal but potentially more manageable.

ohtheholidays · 28/10/2015 21:14

YANBU,if he really wants to do this course OP then I'd tell him that he needs to find a solution for any problems it will cause for your family,child care cover and help for you.

Tell him that it can't be just down to you to make this work,he has a choice from what you've said over doing this course or not,it would be different if he had to do it but he doesn't.

It sounds like he has a while to sort it out,tell him exactly what it is your need for this to happen.Also would he be able to come back for weekends so you and LO get to see him for some of the 6 weeks.

Original poster
anotherBadAvatar · 28/10/2015 21:18

Clarify - it is Mon to Fri. He could come home Fri pm, but it is a trek and we only have one car. Course can't be done in anything other than this 6 week stretch. Fundamentally, it will not lead to DH earning any more money. This would purely to allow him to take his career in a different route. Ultimately however, I am the breadwinner between us. (Earn double DH's wage).

I don't work Mondays. DD is looked after by me.

I work "fixed" days on Thurs and Fri (hours in the region of 8am - 6pm those days) No way to decompress these. I am not office based.

Other than my fixed days, I am obliged to do another 2 or 3 half days per week, but it is my prerogative how I take these. For example, I could do all day Tues, have Wed off and then work Thurs and Fri as normal. At the moment I am just doing Tues and Wed am to ensure I am off to collect DD, followed by my long days.

ajandjjmum - course will likely be in March.

K1mberly - DH took 4 weeks off when DD was born (2 weeks paternity, 2 weeks annual leave).

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 28/10/2015 21:19

The course is Monday to Friday. Perhaps it wasn't available while the OP was on maternity leave.

herethereandeverywhere · 28/10/2015 21:20

If he can sort out the childcare issues, he can go.

Why should you be thinking of how the situation can be fixed? He should be offering solutions that work for you, not just a man-child "oh you can just sort it all out whilst I'm away" approach.

Mintyy · 28/10/2015 21:20

Its a shame for your dh though. I would be unhappy in his position.

trufflehunterthebadger · 28/10/2015 21:20

yabvu

career progression will benefit both of you. for people to try and say it's not your problem and tough shit is pathetic frankly. when you marry you become a team, a unit, not individual entities co-residing.

i am on a 15 week training course for my new job. I stay at my parents in the week as the hours/commute is impratical on 9-5 hours. Dh works full time in the emergency servies (as do i) on shifts. we have a 6 year old. the opportunity to develop my career significantly was most welcome and dh has had to use a lot of leave and juggle things a great deal to make it work as he is working full time and doing sole childcare monday-friday. he does have some help from mil.

i would have really resented it had he said it was not prepared to make the sacrifice so if you refuse then don't be surprised if your dh feels the same.

K1mberly · 28/10/2015 21:21

So you took nearly all of the leave ? It's not fair to expect you to take even more time off

Doraydiego · 28/10/2015 21:22

He supported you in your career, you should support him in his.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 28/10/2015 21:22

No, I'm sorry, it's not about you "letting" him or not - it's just not doable without massive upheaval. Why should you either use up all of your annual leave (without even getting a break), or go to the expense of hiring extra childcare help and having DD get used to a nanny or au pair just for him/her to disappear again 6 weeks later? Not fair on you. Not fair on DD (unless you have a child who loves everyone & is comfortable with going to anyone).

He could have done this course before you had a child. Why has it suddenly become so urgent now?

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 28/10/2015 21:22

Agree with pp who said you both need to work together to find a constructive solution. The only thing I can see that would work is after nursery nanny care as it may not be possible for nursery to have your dd full time or for work to readjust around you.

Be careful of setting up ultimatums. If you don't both try to help each other on this it can turn Into a massive ongoing source of resentment particularly if he has helped you get to where you are.

Dh lived away mon-fri for 6 mth. We did ok only because we each put the other first and that's the way forward in a situation like this - both of you trying to facilitate the other.

ilovesooty · 28/10/2015 21:22

I don't really think that the fact that you earn so much more than your husband is strictly relevant.

K1mberly · 28/10/2015 21:24

But the op has already made a lot of the sacrifices , while her Dh only took 4 weeks off . There's a lot of double standards here . men who develop their careers are doing it for the family . Women who develop their careers are selfish .