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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH annoyed that we're not sleeping in the same bedroom

253 replies

Monkeyrules · 27/10/2015 14:06

My DH has restless feet at night which wakes me up. My job is really stressful and I can't cope with being tired. We have moved to sleeping in separate bedrooms. I love my DH very much and we get on so well but he is getting frustrated at us being apart. We did try twin beds in the same room but I am a light sleeper (he always has to get up in the middle of the night for a toilet stop etc.) DH is saying I need to go to the doctors to get this resolved. TBH I like being in a room on my own just to relax and have some quiet in the evenings.

OP posts:
Garlick · 29/10/2015 16:06

It's not about hating men, Apple. It's about expecting your partner to show some consideration for your needs, like enough sleep. You'd have to be pretty fucked up to think that = hatred.

TooOldForGlitter · 29/10/2015 16:33

I can't see a single example of man hating on this thread. Lots of examples of how women should adjust and bend and change in order to protect a mans feelings, but no, no man hating.

Talking to your wife = abuse

Did anyone say that? If I came to your house and talked to you incessantly until midnight and when you didn't answer me I made up your responses so I could continue the conversation, would you think I was being reasonable? If I then did the same thing at 6am?

The lengths some women will go to in order to defend men and their actions never ceases to amaze me.

Also, everything SGB and Garlick said.

NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 16:37

"The lengths some women will go to in order to defend men and their actions never ceases to amaze me."

THIS. Well said TooOld.

TooOldForGlitter · 29/10/2015 16:37
motherinferior · 29/10/2015 16:42

Talking from 6am nonstop and making up responses is seriously weird. And very unkind.

Gabilan · 29/10/2015 17:22

Talking to your wife = abuse

Yes. That's exactly what was said. FFS. Of course talking to your wife is not abusive per se. Talking to her until midnight then waking her up at 6am to talk some more is at best very inconsiderate and at worst could be part of an abusive pattern.

Men must be silent until spoken to.

No-one's said that.

If they speak to their wives at any other time = abuse.

Or that.

Wanting anything that differs from your wife = abuse.

Of course it isn't. However, again, assuming that want you want always takes precedence over what she wants is at best inconsiderate and at worst could be part of an abusive pattern.

Wanting to sleep in the same bed as your wife = abuse

No. But trying to pressure your wife into sleeping in the same bed as you when it deprives her of sleep so badly that it affects her work is at best inconsiderate and at worst might be abusive.

HTH.

PlymouthMaid1 · 29/10/2015 18:13

I did my sleepless nights with children over 20 years ago so certainly do not want sleepless nights now :)

Marynary · 29/10/2015 18:42

It certainly doesn't take much for some people on mumsnet to start suggesting abuse. It seems to happen on virtually every thread.

Notimefortossers · 29/10/2015 18:53

Yes, i don't expect interupted sleep after 2 and I didn't get it.

Yes agreed, 2 would usually be about the age that interrupted sleep stops (unless they're ill, had a nightmare, need a drink of water, can't sleep yadayadayada), so even if you only if you only have one child, 2 yearS is still YEARS without sleep. If you have more children the number of years increases . . . but anyway I digress.

However, again, assuming that want you want always takes precedence over what she wants is at best inconsiderate and at worst could be part of an abusive pattern

Works both ways

The lengths some women will go to in order to defend men and their actions never ceases to amaze me

This is ridiculous. Why has this and so many other posts on here been reduced to a male vs. female issue? Nobody on here has gone to extreme lengths to defend MEN, we're simply suggesting that the OP's partner is not a complete abusive twat for wanting to sleep with and talk to his partner! I'd have said the same thing whether a man or a woman had posted it. The sex of the poster should be a non issue. None of us have said either that the OP's need for sleep is unimportant, we've just recognized that BOTH their needs are of equal importance and tried to offer suggestions of how the situation might be resolved in BOTH their interests

SolidGoldBrass · 29/10/2015 19:00

But the sex of a poster isn't a non-issue and it never can be. Because we are all influenced, to a greater or lesser extent, by thousands of years of mainstream culture in every society insisting that men are human beings and women exist for their benefit, are their property and must defer to them, obey them and serve them.
MN is one of very few places where a woman whose relationship is making her unhappy is more likely to be helped to consider whether the problem is caused by the man in her life feeling entitled to mistreat her because he has a penis and she does not - rather than being told that she needs counselling, medication, new underwear, less food or lessons in how to open her legs more often without complaining.

Notimefortossers · 29/10/2015 19:05

Jjjeeeesssuuuuuuusss Christ SolidGoldBrass should I send you some bra's for the burning? You and I are definitely going to have to agree to disagree.

DeoGratias · 29/10/2015 19:13

SGB is definitely right on this.

Also it's not a gender free issue. Men on the whole want more sex and women want more peace and more uninterrupted nights. Also men are usually noiser and more disturbing of women's sleep than vice versa and most women need an hour's more sleep a night than men so it's a huge gender issue.

Notimefortossers · 29/10/2015 19:19

That's hugely stereotypical.

Notimefortossers · 29/10/2015 19:21

Feminists can never expect equality if they are creating the gender wedge themselves. Men and women are EQUAL. Nobody's needs, wants, desires are more important than anyone else's regardless of sex. You don't beat sexism by being sexist yourself and you women don't achieve equality by putting men down

Notimefortossers · 29/10/2015 19:22

I sincerely hope that none of you are raising sons :( Makes me sad my boy has to grow up in a world where some women think like you do

Garlick · 29/10/2015 19:34

Wouldn't it just be easier to raise him as a considerate man who doesn't assume his entitlements trump women's, Notime?

Garlick · 29/10/2015 19:38

As a reminder - Monkeyrules is considering quitting her job because it is incompatible with her husband's behaviours.
She is considering being drugged to make herself more amenable to his behaviours.

I don't believe anyone here would applaud a woman whose behaviour pushed her husband into that position.

LineyReborn · 29/10/2015 19:54

Gosh NoTimeFor thank you for learning me right on that whole expectations shit and all.

Notimefortossers · 29/10/2015 19:55

Wouldn't it just be easier to raise him as a considerate man who doesn't assume his entitlements trump women's, Notime?

That's what I intend on doing. Thanks for the advice. Sadly though, I fear that no matter how considerate he is raised to be he will still be judged and treated badly by women who think all men are abusive bastards purely based on the fact that he has a penis.

Notimefortossers · 29/10/2015 19:57

Gosh NoTimeFor thank you for learning me right on that whole expectations shit and all.

I have no idea what you're talking about . . . genuinely

LineyReborn · 29/10/2015 19:57

Figures.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/10/2015 22:18

Notime, women and men are not equal at present. One of the biggest causes of women's deaths (outside natural disasters and disease) is male violence against them. There are still countries where women are regarded as men's property rather than as human beings. In every area of public life, men outnumber women, make the decisions, hold on to the money and power.

And, in homes all over the country, men are still, routinely, mistreating women and acting as though women are some combination of breeding animals, household appliances, domestic pets and sex toys. Sure, #notyournigel. Yes, there are plenty of lovely, lovable, decent, fairminded men, But those men who don't consider women to be human beings, or at least not proper, important human beings like men, behave as they do because of these centuries of propaganda that men are the owners, rather than the fellow humans, of women.

SlightlyAshamed1 · 29/10/2015 22:33

Person A acts in a manner that means that Person B cannot get enough sleep. Person B's job is affected. Person B is considering medicating even though they will still not get enough sleep because of actions of Person A. Person A continues in a course of action that they know will mean less sleep to Person B. Person A has been told that their actions are impacting badly on Person B. Person A knows that their continued actions could cause Person B to lose their job. Person A knows that their actions are making Person B unwell.

Tell me again how Person A is a sweet, kind, harmless victim in this.

Now add, Person A is putting pressure on Person B to follow a course of action that will mean that Person B will have even less sleep and be in a less favourable to resist Person A's actions.

If Person A was female and Person B was male I would tell the man to get the hell out of there. Why shouldn't I do the same if it was a woman?

NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 22:33

"Why has this and so many other posts on here been reduced to a male vs. female issue?"
In the threads I've seen (quite a few) the first person to bring up gender is often the person who accuses people of being "man haters" because they are supporting the (female) OP and criticising her (male) partner. They accuse people of criticising the man because he's man, not because of his behaviour. It's all-too predictable that someone will say "if the genders were reversed, you'd say the opposite". This always gets my goat because it's just not bloody true.

NameChange30 · 29/10/2015 22:37

The thing is, most of the people using this website are women. Most of the perpetrators of violence and abuse are men, and most of the victims are women. So statistically it's pretty damn likely that the threads about relationship problems might feature an abusive man and an abused woman. Of course it's not always the case. But the reason you see women supporting each other to stand up to men is that LOTS OF WOMEN DO NEED SUPPORT TO STAND UP TO MEN. Because, patriarchy. Duh.