DH annoyed that we're not sleeping in the same bedroom

[Monkeyrules]

My DH has restless feet at night which wakes me up. My job is really stressful and I can't cope with being tired. We have moved to sleeping in separate bedrooms. I love my DH very much and we get on so well but he is getting frustrated at us being apart. We did try twin beds in the same room but I am a light sleeper (he always has to get up in the middle of the night for a toilet stop etc.) DH is saying I need to go to the doctors to get this resolved. TBH I like being in a room on my own just to relax and have some quiet in the evenings.

By the way I often get leg cramps at night and I often drink tonic to help. I find it does help me sleep a. because of the placebo effect and b. I put a big slug of gin in!

notime
"I wonder what happened to Solidgoldbrass to make her so bitter and twisted. My guess is that she's not in a happy long term relationship right now though ;) "
What a nasty and unnecessary comment. You may disagree but there's absolutely no need for this bitchy personal attack.

Aren't you lot missing the point here? The H wants to start TTC, OP says she's not ready.
This, I think is the heart of the matter.

OP - you have relationship issues, not restless legs issues.

I'm with BitOutOfPractice

AnotherEmma I don't just disagree! I take umbrage! As my comments suggests. And as my user name suggests . . . .

I had an ex who snored VERY loudly. When i asked him to try several things including nose strips, going to the GP there was always an excuse why he couldnt. Coupled with the tightwaddery he had already shown over other things it was obvious he didnt want to buy nose strips over the counter or pay for a prescription. And his patronizing attitude made it worse "oh i know you are one of THOSE people who really need your sleep"

Notime Some people dont want or arent interested in monogamy and there is nothing wrong with that.

And yes she is not sure she wants to TTC. Is it any wonder shes not sure about ttcing with a man who has already shown that her sleep isnt important. I bet he knows damn well she would end up doing all the night feeds as .....hey shes awake already anyway.

I thought the same as SGB. I just didn't want to feed the tropes.

1. OP has a partner who wants to control her sleep, specifically to ensure she doesn't get enough.

1. He doesn't seem bothered if she loses her job through insufficient sleep.

1. He wants her to be drugged into a state he finds convenient.

It doesn't look good to me.
A less threatening take on this, Monkey, would simply be that your relationship styles are incompatible. He needs a partner who sleeps like the dead, loves incessant chatter and wants a child more than she wants a good career. You need a partner who - well, talks and twitches less, for starters! Being interested in your well-being and career would be a bonus.

Good points Garlick

To quote Marmite "And re her downgrading her job. I don't think OP has said anywhere that he's suggested she move jobs but I may have missed it?

"I think there has been a huge amount of conjecture on this post away from the original problem - OP is a light sleeper, her DH doesn't appreciate this, and he's upset that she doesn't want to share a bed with him. Everything else seems to be projection from a few people on here!"

It is quite acceptable to read between the lines. People don't always give all the information. So long as you're clear that that is what you're up to, rather than pronouncing that yours is the one true story, it isn't a problem. The OP herself said on the first page I've done my job sleep deprived and became so slow that it was brought up in my appraisal. Yes I suppose I need to find a new job but this would mean taking a massive pay cut which seems ridiculous when I could just sleep in a separate room and get a decent nights sleep.

So whilst her husband hasn't directly suggested it, the OP herself thinks maybe it's a solution. The fact is that sleep deprivation was affecting her performance at work. If it's got to that stage it is also affecting her health and wellbeing. At best her husband is very selfish not to realise the knock-on effects of her sleep deprivation, at worst he could be using it to gain control. The fact that he thinks she's the one who should go to the GP unfortunately rather suggests the latter. Why the bloody hell should she be drugged in order to share a bed with him?

Anyway, I will bow out as the voice of reason on this thread

Pretty much self appointed (other than I think one lone voice). Interesting piece of rhetoric, but not one I'm buying.

I assume by tropes Garlick means trolls. Another MN thing. Anyone who disagrees with you must be a troll

I meant tropes, Notime. These being "everybody on MN sees abuse where there isn't any" and "everybody on MN yells LTB as soon as your partner forgets to put the milk in the fridge".

Tis a true story!

I imagine the all of the posters who don't really think the OP's lack of sleep is a nightmare have never been in that position themselves. It really is torture. When I was really suffering from a partner's snoring and fidgeting, I actually fell asleep at work more than once (in meetings, not whilst actually teaching thankfully). I felt so ill and grumpy all the time and was a danger on the road. On holiday once, I actually slept in a deckchair in a field rather than lay awake all night next to the racket. All solved by separate rooms at bedtime. No brainer and any partner who finds that unreasonable (even if they would prefer it otherwise) is really not worth staying with.

Do you people have children? I haven't slept in years! ;)

Just read this on Lundy Bancroft's blog:

        If you go day after day, week after week, not getting enough sleep, the toll it will take on you can be greater than you realize. Lack of sleep can clog up your ability to think clearly, and can make you feel more raw and sensitive emotionally. The effects tend to be cumulative, so that the longer you've been having trouble getting enough rest, the greater the impact on your life may be. Some people report starting to have depression, hopelessness, or even a sense that they are losing their minds. You can start to just plain feel shaky, physically and mentally.

        So if you feel as though you're falling apart, one possibility is that you just need to sleep.

        Being involved in a destructive relationship can make sleep hard to come by. The stress and emotional pain of being mistreated can keep you awake. Your worries about what your partner will do next can do the same. Maybe sometimes  <span class="line-through"> or often  </span>  he doesn't let you sleep, either to punish you about something he's angry about or as a way to force you to have sex with him. When a man causes sleep deprivation in his partner, he is actually committing one of the more serious forms of physical abuse <span class="line-through"> yes, sleep deprivation is a form of physical abuse  </span>  but the depth of damage he can do in these ways is often not recognized.  

.......... And also this:

        When people picture an abusive or controlling man, they imagine him yelling, threatening, or attacking with his fists. These images do capture one aspect of the experience of a woman who has a destructive partner, but at the same time they leave so much out. 

       They particularly miss one of the most insidious forms of relationship poison, which is when the man relentlessly – but not necessarily loudly -- badgers, criticizes, pressures, and guilt-trips the woman until she gives in. This kind of vise-grip approach, where he just keeps tightening up the pressure until she can’t take it, is especially common regarding sex, but it comes about other issues as well.

        Why is this pressure so toxic? One of the key reasons is that the woman comes out blaming herself. Over and over again, women say to me, “Well, I let him get away with it,” or, “I was stupid to put up with it.” Her partner has made her feel that she made a voluntary choice, so she feels responsible for causing her own harm to herself.

        But the decision wasn’t voluntary at all. You are not making a free choice if it follows an unending barrage of verbal pushing. And this is even more true when that pushing includes insults and guilt-tripping. This style of man is sending the message that you are bad and that you are inferior if you don’t give in to his demands.

Good work garlick.

I think it's always worth raising the possibility of abuse, even if it turns out not to be the case, because so often it is the case.

Sleep deprivation was used as a tactic by the Gestapo.

I knew my kids had been trained by someone !

I have suffered sleep deprivation (though it was caused by a job rather than by anyone close to me). I had auditory hallucinations and a couple of episodes of self-harming, which has never otherwise been much of a problem for me.

A partner who won't accept that his behaviour is continually depriving you of sleep, who trivialises the fact that he is depriving you of sleep, objects to any methods you employ to get more sleep if they inconvenience him in any way at all or who wakes you up by talking at you or starting to have sex on you is either selfish (which can be a stepping stone to abuse: men who abuse women often start from the position that women are simply less important than men and exist for men's benefit) - or he's consciously abusive and beginning to escalate.

When DH's snoring became a real problem for me we were able to discuss it like grown ups. Medicating me to cope with his 'problem' was never raised. He went to the GP who made some suggestions and DH ended up buying a mouth guard which works beautifully. If he has a cold and can't wear it we sleep separately.
The crucial thing here was talking and addressing the issues and that doesn't seem to be happening within the OP's relationship. Her DH wants closeness and chatting that are not to the OP's liking. And he wants to introduce another person into the relationship in the form of a baby who will likely take up more of the OP's energy leaving less for him.
Sounds like a recipe for disaster.
Doesn't matter who has right on their side. They seem to need different things.

Morning OP, you have my total sympathies.

About 3-4 nights a week I end up sleeping in a separate bedroom to my DH it.

Some nights he snores incredibly loudly and it is impossible for me to sleep. He also never stops fidgeting and it drives me mad! The mattress is constantly moving beneath me because of his fidgeting and the springs are squeaking, the quilt is constantly being tugged away from me when he rolls over and every night it disturbs me.

I work in a very stressful job and am out the house for over 14 hours and when I get home I am exhausted and in desperate need of a good sleep.

My sleep is already disturbed each night by our 20m DS who wakes up usually once a night and I can be up with him for an hour so the last thing I need is my DH stopping me from being able to sleep as well.

On the occasions we go to the same bed at night there are three possible options of how the night will pan out:

1. Sometines my DH is still snd silent, my DS doesn't wake and so I manage to sleep well and so me and DH wake up in same bed in the ironing. This is very, very rare.

2. I will be able to fall asleep in the same bed as DH but at some point his snoring and fidgeting will wake me so I will go to the spare room.

3. DH will fall asleep immediately, start snoring ridiculously loudly and I know there is absolutely no chance I will even be able to fall asleep so I go straight to the spare room.

Sometimes, if I have had a particularly draining day at work and am desperate for sleep I don't even start the night with DH and just go straight to the spare room.

Last night me and DH went to bed together and I did fall asleep but DS woke at 2am so I went to deal with him and was up there for 30 minutes. I came back down to DH but an hour later I was still awake because I couldn't go back to sleep with DH's fidgeting snd annoying breathing noises so I went up to the spare room.

When DS wakes I usually immediately go into the spare room once he's back to sleep as I know it's the only way I'm going to get back to sleep. Last night though, when I left mine and DH's room to see to DS my DH said, "You're coming back down aren't you?" And I said I would. Really wish I hadn't.

My DH also gets up at 6am so if I'm tired from work or tired from being up with DS through the night the sbsolute last thing I want is to be woken by my DH at 6am so me being in the spare room solves that problem too.

I absolutely love being in the spare room, it's absolutely silent and I get a really good, uninterrupted sleep.

Thankfully my DH had no problem with me ending up in the spare room - he's not petty enough to take it as a 'personal rejection' as he completely understands that sleep is a basic need and hates to think he is preventing me from getting enough.

Why doesn't your DH get up to your ds wannabe?

writer

1. What BitOutOfPractice said
2. Has your DH tried any snoring remedies like the mouth guard a PP mentioned? You could also get a King size bed with two single mattresses, or two single beds pushed together, which might help with you being disturbed by his fidgeting.

If those two things don't work I'd sleep in a separate room on work nights!

Do you people have children? I haven't slept in years! ;)

Yes, i don't expect interupted sleep after 2 and I didn't get it.

My DH doesn't get up to deal with DS because he wakes for a feed.

When DS was younger we co-slept so I got used to being in bed without DH to the point that now I just find his presence at night annoying

Wow, when did AIBU turn into the relationships board?

Talking to your wife = abuse. Men must be silent until spoken to. If they speak to their wives at any other time = abuse. Wanting anything that differs from your wife = abuse. Wanting to sleep in the same bed as your wife = abuse.

Well, the OP's got her marching orders: LTB and report him to the police on the way out.

It's so weird. Do women who hate men this much actually enjoy being married? I guess they are similar to male abusers who hate women but stay married because misery loves company.