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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to expect a text after we slept together?

606 replies

BigOCupOfTea · 25/10/2015 13:43

So I've been seeing a guy for around a month and we had our fifth date and I stayed at his and we slept together.

We both left early as he had work.

He would have finished work by now and I've heard nothing from him.

Am I expecting too much?

OP posts:
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5
coffeetasteslikeshit · 27/10/2015 16:19

Jesus Christ. Really??!

If a man ran a mile because I chased him (although please note that I don't see texting someone you've had sex with as chasing them, I see it as being normal human beings) I wouldn't want him in the first place. Massive red flag to me.

Enjolrass · 27/10/2015 17:41

I wouldn't want him in the first place. Massive red flag to me.

This

DawnOfTheDoggers · 27/10/2015 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Helmetbymidnight · 27/10/2015 18:05

I am a feminist. I just happen to like a man who would text after first date/first sex.
I'm sorry if I'm letting down the sisterhood - I don't believe it does.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 27/10/2015 18:15

I like a man who texts after sex too *Helmetbymidnight", it's just that if he hadn't texted me, and I wanted that contact, I would text him myself. I wouldn't play games by following some silly rule.

Helmetbymidnight · 27/10/2015 18:18

Well so would I if I wanted to text him- it's not about a rule is it- but if he hadn't texted after 24 hrs is probably think 'nah he's not for me.'

coffeetasteslikeshit · 27/10/2015 18:51

Ha! Don't blame you Coco... how's about we just take turns? I don't mind going second

Vixxfacee · 27/10/2015 18:52

Has he text yet?

kali110 · 27/10/2015 18:59

I'd have text him. I've also been the first to give my number to a partner.
Was the text not good then?

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 27/10/2015 19:02

I dont think we will ever get a conclusion to this story.

Helmetbymidnight · 27/10/2015 19:12

Oh I think you can come to a conclusion.
a woman who was dumped the last time she had sex with someone is pathetic, desperate, needy, whiney, a game player, a rule follower, belongs back to the 1950s, if she is anxious that it's going to happen to her again.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/10/2015 19:12

"but if he hadn't texted after 24 hrs is probably think 'nah he's not for me.'"

Even though there may be a genuine reason for it? And what if he DID send a great text AFTER your 24 hr deadline? You would just write him off because he didn't correspond to your required time frame?

Anyway, OP was worried because he hadn't texted after A FEW HOURS. Not 24.

I frankly don't care anymore what OP's text from her boyfriend actually said. I am more shocked at the attitude of women on here acting like somethig from the 19th century.

No, men don't like women who throw themselves at them and text all the time. But it doesn't mean to say women are banned from sending a casual text next day to ask how their day was. It's the response AFTER that that would be the important one in my view. Why should sex come into the equation as to who texts first? It's almost as if women that want a first text to be from the man think "well, I've done you a favour by letting you sleep with me - now I want you to prove how into me you are." Maybe you should have figured that out before you slept with him?

Helmetbymidnight · 27/10/2015 19:50

Fancy considering writing off a new man because I didn't like how he communicated! How very dare I make a decision like that.

No one said there's a 'ban on sending casual texts' did they? I can't find where you're getting that from. I think People can do what they like when it comes to dating and sex- without being insulted for not doing what you'd like them to do.

SuperFlyHigh · 27/10/2015 21:34

A read of the OP's last posts reveals her guy was getting a saucy pic sent to him by one of his female workmates but in a group format eg sent to more than one person via Snapchat.

She was irate at the woman sending the pic but I've never known known any man I've dated get saucy pics sent by female workmates, group format or not, I'd be worried if it did happen and to be honest after this post we can assume 'he probably wasn't that into her'.

DanglyEarrings · 27/10/2015 22:00

I don't think it's sexist to acknowledge the differences between the sexes. I do think it's sexist to expect men and women to be the same because we are not the same.

We are not the same but we are of course of equal value. That's not sexist.

TooSassy · 27/10/2015 22:02

Ok. Catching up with thread.

Did he text? (IME, a guy who wanted more would normally send a quick something when leaving....)

UterusUterusGhali · 27/10/2015 23:20

Oh! :(

DadWasHere · 28/10/2015 01:18

I think it's within the essence of a man to chase and makes a woman appear more attractive and vice versa.

I raised my daughters to avoid these kinds of sick, flawed ideas. The idea a man is going to value a woman more if she plays a game of fox and hounds before she is 'caught', its BS. The idea a woman benefits by cramping her own attitude to her sexuality, to provide or deny sex on a timetable that will cause the guy to maximally value her, its BS.

All it ultimately does is cause way too many young women to have a grossly immature attitude to their own sexuality, where they flash flesh not for their own style but as bait, using alcohol as a lubricant to give themselves permission to have sex.

Its hardwired. Men like to do the chasing. Most (NOT ALL) men run a mile sooner or later if women do the chasing.

Which assumes its a mans fault for running because any woman should be able to bag any man she goes after, if only he just got over his fear of being chased? Nope nope nope.

A man who 'runs a mile' Does Not Want to be chased. Its not fear of being chased, its simply a desire not to be. Funnily enough it works if you reverse the genders, except the chasers are 'creeps' 'pushy' or guys who 'did not get the hint' if they keep up the pursuit.

Could be your crap in bed if it got that far, could be he got a whiff of the female friend zone aka 'I supply sex in the belief it should lead to a relationship and commitment', the mirror opposite of the male friend zone 'I supply a relationship and commitment in the belief it should lead to sex'. Or just, more simply, your not his cup of tea and he is not interested.

HidingI · 28/10/2015 01:28

Did he texted her?

OfficeGirl1969 · 28/10/2015 05:29

Hiding and TooSassy.......my understanding is that he did text her but we don't know what he texted her, so no idea if he texted her something nice and they've been merrily bonking ever since, or if they've gone their separate ways.
Sadly I think the OP may have run away after realising her thread has gone a bit berserk and that people are bickering about whether or not a woman texting a guy in a potential new relationship is unladylike (shock horror....."chasing after him!")

FWIW a guy I know once said that it was incredibly sexy if a girl did at least some of the chasing, because then he knew she really wanted him, and wasn't just responding to his advances......

RattusRattus · 28/10/2015 07:10

IMO the OP has played a blinder on the MNers on this thread. By the way she has been treated by some there is no way on earth they deserve to know the contents of his text. Horrible baying, judgemental crowd.

OP - hope everything is OK.

SuperFlyHigh · 28/10/2015 08:36

Skip why post on aibu then?!

StrawberrytallCake · 28/10/2015 08:42

Skiptothegoodbit

#notallvipers

EveryFrickingNameIsTaken · 28/10/2015 09:15

SuperFlyHigh I read the same thread. This all seems weird to me. The timescale doesn't add up. How can someone possibly be in this kind of situation but be perfectly comfortable looking at her "partners" phone after just one week?

DanglyEarrings · 28/10/2015 09:16

Dadwashere what you wrote would make sense if we were talking about not having sex on the first date or something but we're not.

They've had sex and it's about who should contact who next. My preference would be for a man to contact me first as was the OP's preference. My preference is based upon the fact that I wouldn't be attracted to the kind of man who didn't and I strongly suspect vice versa.

I don't think a man (or woman) texting after sex can be equated to pursuing someone for sex because they already had sex. It's just manners to get in touch same day in my opinion.

Men and women are generally different and I believe it is sexist not to appreciate and acknowledge these differences and lump women in with men as to how we operate and feel. If a woman wants to think and feel like a man she is free to do so in today's society and the other way around and that's quite right too, but some traditions and courtesies are reasonable and understandable in my eyes and nothing wrong with that either. The OP would have liked a text first as I would have done in her shoes.